thoughts on the situation...
okay, so this whole thing with the maid-of-honor, getting married in a civil service, and then informing me of it on the boards has a story, and i want to tell it, for my own self, but also for those of you who think i'm not being loving - anon, specifically you.
two years ago i became friends with the girl. we'll call her carrie. i also became friends with her then-boyfriend-now-husband who we'll call malcom. without going into the sordid details of their relationship, suffice it to say that they broke up and got back together several times over, and he wound up joining a branch of the military. through much conversation and semi-counselling, they got back together, and planned on getting married later this year. through a series of events, they decided to just blow that wedding and everyone and everything off and get married in a civil service. malcom's mom wasn't there. carrie's mom was barely there. it was an extremely fast thing. finally, carrie posted on a board i frequent, and informed the public that she had gotten married.
being that i was supposed to be the maid-of-honor in this, i was more than a little hurt and offended that instead of letting me know personally, she posted it on a public forum, and then sent me this message:
"Hey, look I'm sorry that you had to find out about the marriage through the boards... It's not that I didn't want to tell you, just we haven't spoken for a while, and both Malcom and I wanted to get this done with.. we couldn't afford anything extravagant.. so we did this. I hope you're not upset, and I hope you don't think I'm trying to steal your thunder. Girl, it's because of you that we're where we are. I owe you a lot, but I imagine it was mostly His work. Again, I hope you're not upset... if you are I'm here to listen.
love
carrie"
to which, i responded that i didn't have anything to say, and that i needed time to deal with everything.
this week, she posted and it went something like this:
"I have one problem in particular right now, a me problem. One of my best friends, or was best friends just won't speak to me. I don't really know what the issue is, perhaps because I didn't give her enough warning before the wedding, but it's really worrying, and hurting me a bit. Yes I've told her this, but I'm still concerned. I would find it hard to believe that anyone would be jealous of me, besides she is married. Anywho, I could really use some advice and prayer on that."
okay - here is where things start to fall apart, because i wasn't upset about not knowing about the wedding before, during or even after. i was upset that i found out about it on the boards. jealous? of what? seriously, i have absolutely nothing to be jealous about in this girl's life.
after being called out on it, it went to e-mail, and this is how that went...
"You're right, and I can only apologize so many times.. It wasn't a lack of love, but lack of thinking on my part. It was a bit selfish, and I admit... not only to you. but to everyone. It was just malcom and me and a few other people. I'm sorry that it hurt you so much, I guess I owed/owe you more credit for what you've done for me. Sorry that I can't even it out like you'd like.
love,
carrie"
again, this isn't about anything being evened out. it's not about credit. it's about how the situation was handled. so i responded:
"you've apologized once carrie. and that's all you need to do. but seriously, i just asked for time. do you want me to talk to you how i feel? because if you do, it's not going to be something you want to hear. just please be patient. "
and so she said: fine.
and i said: "i know you think you have the right to be the one hurt/upset here, but you're a little confused. i am the one with that right. not you. you are the hurt-er, i am the hurt-ee. because of that, *i* get to be the one upset. not you.
let me deal with this in my own time carrie. why can't you be patient about this? do you really want me to lash out at you the way i want to? i don't think you do.
i spent the better part of last night crying over the way you've handled ALL of this. so just sit back and relax. i'll approach you when i'm ready. "
and that's where everything REALLY fell apart. today, i got this in my inbox from her:
"look, I didn't do anything to so call "hurt you" whatever you're dealing with is your own issue, which just happens to be in reflection of me not telling you I was married. But hey whatever, I'm done, when you're "ready" I guess you can talk to me... since I'm the one who "hurt" you.... sure are ready to be the victim aren't we? "
i had no idea this was sitting in my inbox today. i called her on my way home from work, to straighten things out, apologize for the hurt-er/hurt-ee e-mail, and just let it all blow over. instead, she lashed out at me as soon as she found out it was me. eventually, malcom took the phone, and i'm not kidding you, told her to shut up no less than 25 times. excuse me, but if craig ever talked to me like that, we'd have a problem. that's hugely disrespectful...but they think i'm jealous of their relationship.
so, it gets better.
during malcom's conversation with me, he told me i wasn't in a good place with God, that i was emotionally shut off, that i was blowing everything out of porportion, and that i had no right to be upset, i was being petty, and that i shouldn't have cared this much about the wedding. (he also told me i had a black heart.)
and then it dawned on me - he's right. i shouldn't have ever cared about him, or her, or the wedding, or anything about them. obviously, they don't understand how selfish, inconsiderate, rude and just plain self-centered it was for them to handle their wedding the way they did. everyone in their lives, with the exception of two people - her mom and me - were against this wedding. everyone feels that they are too young. they didn't get counselling beforehand. their pastors, parents, friends and aquaintances were all against it. is that a recipe for disaster? not necessarily...but it's not a great way to start your marriage. and then, to not even tell one of the people who is supportive...well, i just don't get it. and the beauty of malcom's comment is that i realized i didn't have to get it, because i'm released from caring.
i opened my e-mail box again, and found this gem waiting for me.
Out of curiosity, what has your panties in a wedge, anyway? Carrie and I have done nothing wrong and have treated you with both respect and love. You're someone we would both call a really great friend. If you're going to be rude and selfish with my wife, then you should at least have a good reason for it. And, if you want to unleash on one of us, go ahead - be warned, however, that I have no restrictions on doing the same. If you want to get into a bitchfest about it, then so be it.
What's the issue, anyway? Jealousy? Feeling left out? Rejected? Unheard? You're the one who had faith in us all this time - or was that just a hoax? Did we serve some kind of purpose to you and now we aren't? Is our relationship going better than yours? If this is just about Carrie not informing you of our marriage, then you are overreacting in a massive way. Act your age, not your shoe size.
All things said, I do hope things are going well for you, but you need to get a grip. Plus, remember that I'm very protective and defensive of my wife. I demand you be respectful at the very least.
-Malcom
just for fun, let's analyze this e-mail.
they both treated me entirely disrespectfully and completely without love. i was never rude or selfish. i simply wanted time to deal with everything. i did have a good reason - they were self-absorbed and didn't have the decency to let me know in any form other than the boards.
jealous? of what? being told to shut up? having a rushed marriage that wasn't blessed by any of their family, friends or pastors? of course i felt left out - because that's what they did. not rejected, not unheard, and it wasn't a hoax, but thanks for accusing me of being a liar on top of everything else, right? the purpose was friendship. what kind of friends do that? their relationship better than mine? that's laughable. i have a completely solid relationship with my husband - give and take - conversation without cutting down, or being told to shut up and leave the room. give me a break.
and so, he demands respect from me, when i've been nothing but respectful, but he is nothing but harsh, rude, demeaning, hateful, hurtful and a complete jerk to me in this e-mail. riiigggghhhhtttt.
~~~~~~~~~
so, here's where i stand. at the end of the call i told him that i was fine with them (which i am), and that everything was all good...no hurt feelings, and no pain on my side, and that i would need a couple days before i could e-mail carrie, but that she and i were fine too.
my approach will be to be friends with them. i respect them both, and will continue to do so. i'll be there when they need someone. but i will never again expect anything in return. i won't expect them to be considerate, to be Christ-like in their actions towards me, or to try to understand anything other than their own problems.
but me? i'm okay. i've given it to God, and there it will stay.
two years ago i became friends with the girl. we'll call her carrie. i also became friends with her then-boyfriend-now-husband who we'll call malcom. without going into the sordid details of their relationship, suffice it to say that they broke up and got back together several times over, and he wound up joining a branch of the military. through much conversation and semi-counselling, they got back together, and planned on getting married later this year. through a series of events, they decided to just blow that wedding and everyone and everything off and get married in a civil service. malcom's mom wasn't there. carrie's mom was barely there. it was an extremely fast thing. finally, carrie posted on a board i frequent, and informed the public that she had gotten married.
being that i was supposed to be the maid-of-honor in this, i was more than a little hurt and offended that instead of letting me know personally, she posted it on a public forum, and then sent me this message:
"Hey, look I'm sorry that you had to find out about the marriage through the boards... It's not that I didn't want to tell you, just we haven't spoken for a while, and both Malcom and I wanted to get this done with.. we couldn't afford anything extravagant.. so we did this. I hope you're not upset, and I hope you don't think I'm trying to steal your thunder. Girl, it's because of you that we're where we are. I owe you a lot, but I imagine it was mostly His work. Again, I hope you're not upset... if you are I'm here to listen.
love
carrie"
to which, i responded that i didn't have anything to say, and that i needed time to deal with everything.
this week, she posted and it went something like this:
"I have one problem in particular right now, a me problem. One of my best friends, or was best friends just won't speak to me. I don't really know what the issue is, perhaps because I didn't give her enough warning before the wedding, but it's really worrying, and hurting me a bit. Yes I've told her this, but I'm still concerned. I would find it hard to believe that anyone would be jealous of me, besides she is married. Anywho, I could really use some advice and prayer on that."
okay - here is where things start to fall apart, because i wasn't upset about not knowing about the wedding before, during or even after. i was upset that i found out about it on the boards. jealous? of what? seriously, i have absolutely nothing to be jealous about in this girl's life.
after being called out on it, it went to e-mail, and this is how that went...
"You're right, and I can only apologize so many times.. It wasn't a lack of love, but lack of thinking on my part. It was a bit selfish, and I admit... not only to you. but to everyone. It was just malcom and me and a few other people. I'm sorry that it hurt you so much, I guess I owed/owe you more credit for what you've done for me. Sorry that I can't even it out like you'd like.
love,
carrie"
again, this isn't about anything being evened out. it's not about credit. it's about how the situation was handled. so i responded:
"you've apologized once carrie. and that's all you need to do. but seriously, i just asked for time. do you want me to talk to you how i feel? because if you do, it's not going to be something you want to hear. just please be patient. "
and so she said: fine.
and i said: "i know you think you have the right to be the one hurt/upset here, but you're a little confused. i am the one with that right. not you. you are the hurt-er, i am the hurt-ee. because of that, *i* get to be the one upset. not you.
let me deal with this in my own time carrie. why can't you be patient about this? do you really want me to lash out at you the way i want to? i don't think you do.
i spent the better part of last night crying over the way you've handled ALL of this. so just sit back and relax. i'll approach you when i'm ready. "
and that's where everything REALLY fell apart. today, i got this in my inbox from her:
"look, I didn't do anything to so call "hurt you" whatever you're dealing with is your own issue, which just happens to be in reflection of me not telling you I was married. But hey whatever, I'm done, when you're "ready" I guess you can talk to me... since I'm the one who "hurt" you.... sure are ready to be the victim aren't we? "
i had no idea this was sitting in my inbox today. i called her on my way home from work, to straighten things out, apologize for the hurt-er/hurt-ee e-mail, and just let it all blow over. instead, she lashed out at me as soon as she found out it was me. eventually, malcom took the phone, and i'm not kidding you, told her to shut up no less than 25 times. excuse me, but if craig ever talked to me like that, we'd have a problem. that's hugely disrespectful...but they think i'm jealous of their relationship.
so, it gets better.
during malcom's conversation with me, he told me i wasn't in a good place with God, that i was emotionally shut off, that i was blowing everything out of porportion, and that i had no right to be upset, i was being petty, and that i shouldn't have cared this much about the wedding. (he also told me i had a black heart.)
and then it dawned on me - he's right. i shouldn't have ever cared about him, or her, or the wedding, or anything about them. obviously, they don't understand how selfish, inconsiderate, rude and just plain self-centered it was for them to handle their wedding the way they did. everyone in their lives, with the exception of two people - her mom and me - were against this wedding. everyone feels that they are too young. they didn't get counselling beforehand. their pastors, parents, friends and aquaintances were all against it. is that a recipe for disaster? not necessarily...but it's not a great way to start your marriage. and then, to not even tell one of the people who is supportive...well, i just don't get it. and the beauty of malcom's comment is that i realized i didn't have to get it, because i'm released from caring.
i opened my e-mail box again, and found this gem waiting for me.
Out of curiosity, what has your panties in a wedge, anyway? Carrie and I have done nothing wrong and have treated you with both respect and love. You're someone we would both call a really great friend. If you're going to be rude and selfish with my wife, then you should at least have a good reason for it. And, if you want to unleash on one of us, go ahead - be warned, however, that I have no restrictions on doing the same. If you want to get into a bitchfest about it, then so be it.
What's the issue, anyway? Jealousy? Feeling left out? Rejected? Unheard? You're the one who had faith in us all this time - or was that just a hoax? Did we serve some kind of purpose to you and now we aren't? Is our relationship going better than yours? If this is just about Carrie not informing you of our marriage, then you are overreacting in a massive way. Act your age, not your shoe size.
All things said, I do hope things are going well for you, but you need to get a grip. Plus, remember that I'm very protective and defensive of my wife. I demand you be respectful at the very least.
-Malcom
just for fun, let's analyze this e-mail.
they both treated me entirely disrespectfully and completely without love. i was never rude or selfish. i simply wanted time to deal with everything. i did have a good reason - they were self-absorbed and didn't have the decency to let me know in any form other than the boards.
jealous? of what? being told to shut up? having a rushed marriage that wasn't blessed by any of their family, friends or pastors? of course i felt left out - because that's what they did. not rejected, not unheard, and it wasn't a hoax, but thanks for accusing me of being a liar on top of everything else, right? the purpose was friendship. what kind of friends do that? their relationship better than mine? that's laughable. i have a completely solid relationship with my husband - give and take - conversation without cutting down, or being told to shut up and leave the room. give me a break.
and so, he demands respect from me, when i've been nothing but respectful, but he is nothing but harsh, rude, demeaning, hateful, hurtful and a complete jerk to me in this e-mail. riiigggghhhhtttt.
~~~~~~~~~
so, here's where i stand. at the end of the call i told him that i was fine with them (which i am), and that everything was all good...no hurt feelings, and no pain on my side, and that i would need a couple days before i could e-mail carrie, but that she and i were fine too.
my approach will be to be friends with them. i respect them both, and will continue to do so. i'll be there when they need someone. but i will never again expect anything in return. i won't expect them to be considerate, to be Christ-like in their actions towards me, or to try to understand anything other than their own problems.
but me? i'm okay. i've given it to God, and there it will stay.