Dec 12, 2005 23:23
I miss when I was nine years old lying on my stomach in a field popping the heads off daisies.
I miss being happy on my own I wish when I'd open my curtains and look out the window and feel a thrill of excitement in my stomach over how black the sky was and how white the moon was. I miss begging my Mom to let me have a kinder egg because they seemed like the coolest thing in the world. I miss not having this weird tearing ache in my chest that I think is my mind telling my body we don't quite fit together right anymore.
I miss not feeling afraid all the time. I wish there wasn't a time in your life where you realised life isn't so awesome, it's grimy and disgusting, it's full of things you don't wanna look at or encounter because it's so horrible. And some people're lucky, they don't have to wade through all the muck, and everyone else looks at them with the greenest eyes possible.
My fingers won't stop moving and my head feels so full it might explode, I'm breathing too fast it's not regular. Everything looks brighter than usual, the computer screen's really really bright, my walls look pink and brown. My lips and tongue want kisses. Not nails and my own skin. I don't really know why I'm writing this I guess I'm trying to empty my brain but it's not happening it's like a big whirlpool only it's a rainbow and it keeps moving in a really fast circle and it's making me feel like I can't deal with it anymore. I'm sick of waking up from dreams of dirty fucking hands all over me, I'm sick of cold sweats, I'm sick of crying over things that're over, I'm sick sick sick of not being able to tell people the things I want to because I'm scared. I'm trembling now and I don't know why. And I can't stop staring at this empty hair dye box on my desk, or the tub of vaseline, I'm so fucking vain, no matter what I do to the outside, no matter how much fat I cut off or how much I cover my face up I'm still gonna be ugly ugly ugly on the inside.
You wish you were angsty like me. And now there's frogs on my keyboard. Blue and green and yellow baby frogs jumping out of the way of my fingers. Bye.