(no subject)
So I recently reconnected with my little cousin, Josh. He found me on myspace it seems. It also turns out that my little cousin is bisexual. I'm honestly not suprised, I always knew he would end up either gay or bisexual. Anyway, he ended up telling his brother Adrian, without my permission I might add, and i'm trying to not be too upset about it, but I'm sort of worried Adrian is going to mention something to someone he shouldn't and have it back track to my dad.
Which gets me to my next point: why Matt has not yet told his father that he's gay.
I love my Dad. I really do. We had a rough time when I was growing up, we never really got along or had much of a relationship, but after I moved in with my Mother and entered my late teens and early twenties, I really started to look back and see all of the sacrificies that my Dad made for me. I am torn, however, as to whether or not he would be accepting of me if he knew about my sexuality. Part of me thinks that he would be alright with it, but there's another part of me that continually worries that somehow he would equate my experience with that of my uncle. Which brings me to my uncle...
My uncle Rod has always been the black sheep of the family. I remember when I was a young child, whenever I would go over to my Mema's, he would hide himself away in his room, not interacting with any of the family. I've always known that he was gay, I guess. He's also a schizophrenic. When I was a teenager he had a psychotic break and attacked my grandparents. He was comitted for a while, but to this day he believes that there is nothing wrong with him. He's also never really done anything with his life. He worked for my Mema for years, and has never moved out of the house he grew up in. He never went to school or acomplished anything worth mentioning.
When I was younger, my Dad used to compare me to him, whenever I would get upset. He'd tell me I was acting like Rod. I always felt that the comparison wasn't fair, I mean, you can't compare a child or a teenager to your thirty somthing brother who still throws tantrums. Children and teenagers are supposed to get upset and be irrational, it's a normal part of growing up. But, because my Dad has always seemed to have this fear that I would end up like my uncle, I've never felt like I could be completely honest with him about my sexuality.
I have worked very hard over the past couple of years to absorb as much knowledge as possible and keep my GPA high so that I can get into a good graduate school. Part of the reason i've worked so hard is because I want to make my Father proud, and to prove that i'm nothing like my uncle, despite the fact that we both happen to be gay.
Your sexuality is only a small portion of who you are. It is not a lifestyle, it is a part of your lifestyle. It really bothers me when people try to make it more than what it is. Being gay does not make you immoral, and it does not mean that something is wrong with you. It's not a choice, either, at least it wasn't for me.
I guess i'm just afraid of being stuck in my uncle's shadow if my Dad ever really knows me for who I am. I'm also afraid it would ruin the relationship we've built up over the past four years or so. I think that scares me the most.
I just had to get that out.
Which gets me to my next point: why Matt has not yet told his father that he's gay.
I love my Dad. I really do. We had a rough time when I was growing up, we never really got along or had much of a relationship, but after I moved in with my Mother and entered my late teens and early twenties, I really started to look back and see all of the sacrificies that my Dad made for me. I am torn, however, as to whether or not he would be accepting of me if he knew about my sexuality. Part of me thinks that he would be alright with it, but there's another part of me that continually worries that somehow he would equate my experience with that of my uncle. Which brings me to my uncle...
My uncle Rod has always been the black sheep of the family. I remember when I was a young child, whenever I would go over to my Mema's, he would hide himself away in his room, not interacting with any of the family. I've always known that he was gay, I guess. He's also a schizophrenic. When I was a teenager he had a psychotic break and attacked my grandparents. He was comitted for a while, but to this day he believes that there is nothing wrong with him. He's also never really done anything with his life. He worked for my Mema for years, and has never moved out of the house he grew up in. He never went to school or acomplished anything worth mentioning.
When I was younger, my Dad used to compare me to him, whenever I would get upset. He'd tell me I was acting like Rod. I always felt that the comparison wasn't fair, I mean, you can't compare a child or a teenager to your thirty somthing brother who still throws tantrums. Children and teenagers are supposed to get upset and be irrational, it's a normal part of growing up. But, because my Dad has always seemed to have this fear that I would end up like my uncle, I've never felt like I could be completely honest with him about my sexuality.
I have worked very hard over the past couple of years to absorb as much knowledge as possible and keep my GPA high so that I can get into a good graduate school. Part of the reason i've worked so hard is because I want to make my Father proud, and to prove that i'm nothing like my uncle, despite the fact that we both happen to be gay.
Your sexuality is only a small portion of who you are. It is not a lifestyle, it is a part of your lifestyle. It really bothers me when people try to make it more than what it is. Being gay does not make you immoral, and it does not mean that something is wrong with you. It's not a choice, either, at least it wasn't for me.
I guess i'm just afraid of being stuck in my uncle's shadow if my Dad ever really knows me for who I am. I'm also afraid it would ruin the relationship we've built up over the past four years or so. I think that scares me the most.
I just had to get that out.