Feb 06, 2008 17:57
I'm not sure how to approach this week anymore. Last night, my random ramble-blog was completely from my subconscious, because I was half-asleep doing everything. I'm still in a daze from today; I should be in bed taking a several-hour nap, but I'm getting strength from the most unlikely person (or perhaps, most obvious), as I keep waiting to hear back from him. I've already gotten a message from him that I replied, so I suppose I should go to bed. In the case that I do not wake up, I shall go ahead and blog my little heart out.
We can begin with the most obvious, and obviously, the most repetitive. Brandon. Honey, I know you're busy, I am, too, but all I ask for is a simple phone call here or there. Leave me a voice mail if you have to, wishing me goodnight, but for crying out loud, just try. Am I asking for too much when I say all you have to do is call me when you're taking a shit and say, "Hey, I miss you."? Only you are going to know you're on a john -- what the fuck else are you going to be doing while taking a shit? Reading porn? God, you can do that some other time. All I want is a simple goodnight, "I love you"... Something. I am so confused about how I feel about him, I just don't know anymore! If I see him this weekend, what am I supposed to expect? I'm completely rethinking everything I feel. Do I know that I love him because I want him to call, or should I know that I love him because I miss him and know that he loves me even if he doesn't? At this point, I'm feeling that I don't really love him, and that being in love with him was momentarily, simply because I thought I had it figured it out. I didn't. How am I supposed to figure all this out, with all this confusing, if I can't see him? Even if I do, will I still be able to get my emotions set straight? I'll be so hyper and giddy from just meeting him, that I probably won't be able to think twice about how I feel. I don't really think that I should be in any relationship right now.
I need to start slowly -- all of my relationships have been fast from the getgo. I should really pace myself, no matter how much I like (or love) someone. Eventually, the blurriness will fade and I'll be left with pure, raw emotions. I think that's what I should do now. Just stay friends, barely make hints and just... whatever. Hey, if it's supposed to be, God willing, it will be, right? I mean, I've seen Evan Almighty twice, and I believe what "God" says when he speaks about opportunities; how God gives us the opportunity to be patient, He doesn't give us patience. I think it can be applied to love -- God gives us the chance and opportunities to love, not necessarily love. I've been trying to be patient, waiting. And I suppose, like I've said before, that whoever it is, if they're worth it, will be well worth the wait. I just wonder if there is every anyone that great. I suppose if they've got the capacity to love me back (like that), then maybe they are.
And though I love Ms. Ising dearly, what she said before I left her class kind of has my head rolling. A) I will never marry that boy, simply because it would end up in a tragic divorce (and the thought of simply saying "I do." to him is kind of creepy); B) I'm not his type, he's not mine; C) It's just impossible to even be friends. He's told me to my face that he hates me, many, many times. He knows I dislike him just as much. There's not reason for him to like me, anyway. With anyone, there really is no reason to like me. There is nothing outright appealing about me; maybe once you get to know me, you might think I'm cool, but do you really think that anyone at our age or in our era is going to take the time to get to know the dorky-fat-unattractive-girl in Calculus? I think... not.
To launch into another discussion about self-perception, I've finally realized who I am and what I look like. I have, so I don't know why people are calling me "gorgeous" and "pretty". I know all about lying to someone moderately attractive and building them up with compliments. Personally, I don't want it. I'm not going to fake my way through life with some opaque trail of thoughts about how true beauty is on the inside or how beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We all know that beauty is something upheld in this lifetime and that if you've don't got what it takes to look good, you're probably going to end up a paper-pusher. We all know what true beauty is -- someone that can go without makeup and still have guys swooning. We know what gorgeous is -- that model in the magazine. "Pretty" has become the term we use to soothe those are not that attractive, but we're too kind to say, "Sweetie, you're not attractive."
I've also come to the conclusion that I am not and will never be one of those cute, adorable high school girls you see, with the perfect nose, doe eyes, smooth hair and twinkling laughter. I'm nothing near "cute" and "perky" and "adorable" and thus I'm thrust into the category of "never getting into a real high school relationship". It's alright, I suppose. The guys I find decently attractive are all major douchebags, anyway. I'm just not satisfied with someone unattractive. I know it's hypocritical, but I don't believe that I can wake up next to someone that I find unattractive and say, "Hey, honey, I love you. *MUAH*"
I can't. And no one else can. And I realize that no one is going to be able to say that to me, either, unless they are literally blind and asexual. (Even the blind can feel when someone has junk in the trunk. They're blind, not numb.)
My room is leaking, too. The window pane. The storm window is even moist. God, things just keep getting worse and worse. One of my other earrings broke, my texting expires at midnight and I haven't a chance to Top-Up my account... I'm tired, I probably failed my math test, I need to do laundry, I have several things coming up in the next couple weeks and I don't have a chance to rest. Our video project bombed; I could have done so much better in directing my group and by letting Dusty take the reigns on editing, I feel like a giant pushover for not saying, "Hey. I don't trust you. Even though they might not say it, they're secretly doubting you, too. She even said that you're not reliable. Hand over the fucking clips." I should've done that. I should've made comebacks to so many insults and things thrown at me today and this past week.
I should've went to bed on time and not procrastinated. I shouldn't have decided to get so involved with school. All I want to do is not have any idol time and just distract myself from life. My aunt gets on me and she knows I'll retort and she knows it upsets grandmother, so I end up getting in trouble anyway, so she's happy.
I've got New York at the beginning of March, which means, starting soon, I need to start doing double homework duty to fix up the week for Calculus that I'll be missing.
I've got to go to that stupid Junior Class Meeting tomorrow -- I'm not even going to Ring Dance, so why the fuck should I have to listen? This isn't my class. These peers are mostly retarded, selfish, snooty, spoiled bitches who want it all and take it for granted. I don't want to spend a night with those cunts, and I definitely don't feel like spending money on a dress to impress them, either. Ditto for Senior Prom. I'm not even getting a ring -- it's not worth it. $400 for four-years of fucked up memories? Yeah, thanks so much for letting me wear all those nightmares on my finger. It's really appreciated.
Oh, I ate meat today, too, on accident, but I'm pretty sure I'll get smite-ed anyway.
And how much do you want to bet I'll [EPIC PHAIL] my Art & Humanities Regionals Written Assessment?