Catch 22 Lately
I've a migraine the size of a grapefruit, or perhaps the size of a crater left by a grapefruit made of marble that ended up pounding into my forehead. Nonetheless, I'm here on the computer, typing up a review of my crazy day.
Okay, fuck it. I can't type a review. Let's just start with me being miserable all fucking day long. I don't know why, because I had decided on the way to school that it would be good -- I listened to happy songs, thought happy thoughts -- I even kissed Travis on the cheek when I saw him because I was so enthralled. Alright, so, my mood changes in third. I don't know why, I was just feeling what can only be described as a combination between pensive-ness and some sort of depression. I didn't feel like laughing, smiling, or participating. I was starving, didn't feel like working on my quiz, and just wanted to go home. In fourth, I got down to lunch early, ate with some people, barely speaking and shrugging off questions, and then when I got upstairs, I worked on my trial. I sort of bitched out Duff; we got into this argument about teen court and juvenile trials. After that, I wrote a poem/song thing...
I'd like to leave it all behind me
But somehow it carries on through
Years fly by like cars on sixty-four
And I still remember it vividly, like yesterday
Taking a new direction with my solemn life
Leadfoot all the way to New York City
Crushed beneath waves of light and sound
I'll try to shake it off for good this time.
Let your life lead you on, enjoy luxuries
I'll sit on the side and watch the kick
When the score is tied and you hit overtime
The decision won't be left up to receipts.
Nothing I write seems to flow anymore
Nothing I think makes sense anymore
Have I lost touch with my elements of life
Or am I simply learning that there's more than empty words?
I'll never find those words again
And you'll never look at me like a friend
I'm letting go of all I thought I knew
I'm learning to let go of thoughts of you.
Release my grip on anything that keeps me grounded
I relinquish my position in the home I founded
I don't fit in with anyone that's not like me
My eccentricity has become my true enemy.
I don't believe that it is as good as my other poems, it's not really good period, but I suppose it's better than nothing. I didn't really fall asleep in fifth period today, but I was exhausted. I thought for sure that I'd end up falling asleep in Physics, but I didn't. We ended up laughing and screwing around alot today. As I exited the Tech Building, I felt better. Alot better. I suppose I needed to get out all that laughter or energy or whatever that was pent up inside.
I didn't stay on cloud nine forever, though. Throughout the videotaping, I got sicker and felt worse and worse. I fell on my ass at one point and it didn't exactly help. I don't trust Dusty to finish the video, but if he does, I'll apologize without any strings attached. However, he has a doctor's appointment in the morning, so I don't know.
Marcella, I'm sorry I lied. I've been going in circles with my thoughts and emotions. I know how I feel about everything and everyone, and lately, it all seems to make sense, but I just wish that I had realized it earlier.
For everyone...
I have been so obsessed with things making sense and figuring out "signs" from God that I completely lost myself. I thought I was given an opportunity, but I lost it. I don't believe that it ever was an opportunity in the first place, except to stay in touch with my intuition. From the first conversation, I knew that things would be askew, but I figured why not take a chance.
I've been reading one of my friend's journals today and do you have any idea how long it has been since I've read something that deep and intellectual that was written by a peer?!
God, and he writes poetry, too?! Maybe not as often as I do, but at least he has no shame in the artistical and emotion purpose of the medium. Do you know how hard it is to find someone that's intellectual, poetic and actually makes sense? I feel like such a doofus; I don't exactly think of him as "the one" or how a run in makes it "meant to be", but it's definitely a probe for me to learn to get to know people that I run into throughout my life. My co-workers, my peers, my classmates -- there's always going to be something more. In his case, there's alot more and I feel like I finally know what I do want with someone, what I'm looking for. I'm not going crazy, perhaps there is someone out there that's right for me. Perhaps I won't discover him now, but eventually. I'm crossing my fingers here, because I highly doubt that the chances of meeting him are any greater than one in a million.
I notice how the word "love" appears in his writings. I'm curious as to if it's the same girl he is referring about or if his likes have changed that much. I do not believe that I have ever been in love with anyone that I wasn't with at the time, but I believe that if our friendship were to deepen, this just might be the case.
Can you really know someone, just by reading their words? I feel as if I've been friends with this boy for a while, but I never really got to know him. I sort of dismissed him in the beginning, because he was quiet and not outspoken. But now, I regret that decision because I was shallow and naive. I feel foolish saying this, but I have a small part of me hoping that maybe we'll become friends and that something could develop. I'm tired of looking for signs and having someone be analyzed to the T -- when I met him again, there was this... pull, an attraction. It was the same thing I had felt back in December. I cannot say that I am simply basing this on looks or those character perks that I so truly look for. The nerdiness, non-smokingness, intelligence, etc. Before even reading a word of his, I felt a pull. Not so much a connection, because I don't believe he cares about talking to me, but a pull.
I hope that it's a pull because he's similar to someone that I should be with, and not a pull directly to him. I have doubts about a friendship, and even more. Nothing I can say could change his mind -- he laughed at my words. My true, honest to God words of curiousity. It was, perhaps, curiousity, but I'll admit, it was also my skepticism that someone that great could be single. Alas, he was but alas, here I am in a relationship and I'm feeling so horrible for daydreaming about another boy that barely even notices my existence.
My migraine seems to be lifting; however, I am terribly cold and miserable. I want to talk to him, get to know him and wonder if I'm not simply frolicking my emotions in a field of dead poppies. I had this urge to hug him when I saw him last, you know that? Just hug him and maybe see if I was going crazy, but I didn't. I let it slide and I'm going to let all of this go and if I fall into unrequited love... Well, it's for the best. I'm no longer putting my emotions out there in an obvious manner. If someone wants me, let them go first. I made the mistake of going first last time, but I won't anymore.