(no subject)
My sister is a genius. I love reading her ideas, thinking about them, and adding to them, that I might be genius-y too. A month or so ago, she posted on her blog the idea that "do I believe in X?" does not reveal as much as "what does X look like?" The advantages are pretty obvious. Two people may think they disagree about whether or not X exists, but they really are picturing different versions of X. Two people might also think they agree, when in fact they disagree. She wrote mostly about God, the spirit world and the soul in that blog, but one sample she posted was "Do I believe in true love?" versus "What does true love look like?"
What does true love look like? My own perspective on love is a puzzlement to me. In my personal life, I can't claim to have any special experiences; several crushes resulting in absolutely nothing for various reasons. As for fiction, it seems the older I get, the less I enjoy romances. I remember I loved Sabrina as a child, but when I recently watched it with my Mom and Aunt Wendy, it wasn't nearly as good. Most of my favorites as a kid were coming-of-age stories with romantic subplots, and as I lost my fear of scary movies, action/adventure became my favorite genre. For many of the exceptions to the rule (Jane Austen's novels, for example), I am attracted to something other than the romance (the social critique), and view the romance as a necessary plot device. I have come to actively dislike romantic fiction in general.
I don't believe true love is an exceptionally irresistible attraction. I believe it's just a compatibility that gently tugs two people together. Not only are your qualities compatible, but your greatest flaws are ones your love is able to deal with, and vice versa. There are conflicts, but there isn't chaos or drama. You and your love are able to anticipate the others feelings to a greater extent than normal. You might have a lot or a little in common, but your priorities are similar, as are your ideas about courses of action. All these things pull you together, with a little help from your hormones.
I rarely buy the relationships in your average romance, because in order to keep the story dramatic and interesting, there must not only be an external conflict separating the couple but an inability to easy find a solution. A couple experiencing true love would be able to understand each others point of view, be in agreement as to their goals, and be able to work out a course of action acceptable to both. It may take time to do this, but it would be possible to make progress. I notice that fights between my parents, who most certainly have true love for each other, are never resolved in more than a day. In a romantic movie, fights can take days to resolve. Every other romance has a scene where a couple has just fought, one of them calls the other, the one being called looks at the caller ID and doesn't pick up. What kind of relationship is that? Anger is normal, but the desire for resolution should not be overcome by the anger. Worse, we normally find that this is the latest in a string of unanswered calls. I can understand a moment of pettiness, but who would let someone they truly love fail at multiple attempts at reconciliation? I wouldn't do that even to a casual acquaintance, how could anyone do that to their boyfriend? (it's usually the girl who doesn't answer the phone, Lord knows why) And yet the couple gets together in the end, and we're supposed to cheer for them. Some can, but perhaps because I'm a character study-oriented Iconoclast, I can't. Those couples might have overcome their conflicts and even matured, but they did not experience true love.
This is not to say that enjoying romances means ignorance of the meaning of love. My Dad loves romances, and he truly loves my Mom. Enjoying romances means you don't have my brain's wiring. Lucky you.
What does true love look like? My own perspective on love is a puzzlement to me. In my personal life, I can't claim to have any special experiences; several crushes resulting in absolutely nothing for various reasons. As for fiction, it seems the older I get, the less I enjoy romances. I remember I loved Sabrina as a child, but when I recently watched it with my Mom and Aunt Wendy, it wasn't nearly as good. Most of my favorites as a kid were coming-of-age stories with romantic subplots, and as I lost my fear of scary movies, action/adventure became my favorite genre. For many of the exceptions to the rule (Jane Austen's novels, for example), I am attracted to something other than the romance (the social critique), and view the romance as a necessary plot device. I have come to actively dislike romantic fiction in general.
I don't believe true love is an exceptionally irresistible attraction. I believe it's just a compatibility that gently tugs two people together. Not only are your qualities compatible, but your greatest flaws are ones your love is able to deal with, and vice versa. There are conflicts, but there isn't chaos or drama. You and your love are able to anticipate the others feelings to a greater extent than normal. You might have a lot or a little in common, but your priorities are similar, as are your ideas about courses of action. All these things pull you together, with a little help from your hormones.
I rarely buy the relationships in your average romance, because in order to keep the story dramatic and interesting, there must not only be an external conflict separating the couple but an inability to easy find a solution. A couple experiencing true love would be able to understand each others point of view, be in agreement as to their goals, and be able to work out a course of action acceptable to both. It may take time to do this, but it would be possible to make progress. I notice that fights between my parents, who most certainly have true love for each other, are never resolved in more than a day. In a romantic movie, fights can take days to resolve. Every other romance has a scene where a couple has just fought, one of them calls the other, the one being called looks at the caller ID and doesn't pick up. What kind of relationship is that? Anger is normal, but the desire for resolution should not be overcome by the anger. Worse, we normally find that this is the latest in a string of unanswered calls. I can understand a moment of pettiness, but who would let someone they truly love fail at multiple attempts at reconciliation? I wouldn't do that even to a casual acquaintance, how could anyone do that to their boyfriend? (it's usually the girl who doesn't answer the phone, Lord knows why) And yet the couple gets together in the end, and we're supposed to cheer for them. Some can, but perhaps because I'm a character study-oriented Iconoclast, I can't. Those couples might have overcome their conflicts and even matured, but they did not experience true love.
This is not to say that enjoying romances means ignorance of the meaning of love. My Dad loves romances, and he truly loves my Mom. Enjoying romances means you don't have my brain's wiring. Lucky you.