One Piece fic-PoSM, Chapter 7
Title: The Psychology of a Shattered Mind
Chapter Title: Apparent Wind
Rating: PG-13 / T
Characters: Usopp, Robin, Zoro, a little Luffy and Chopper
Word Count: About 3.7k
Warnings: Disturbing imagery, implications of non-con/dub-con, and violence. Potential spoilers for entire series. Angsty Usopp and blatant excuse for nakama comfort. This will be ( Read more... )
I'm not quite sure about the construction "Earlier [stuff-within-dashes] comes rushing back", though it didn't bother me the first read-through. I'm wavering between feeling it works just fine and being a bit iffy about it.
Well, I have become aware over time that I can be very dash happy. I like my pretty little straight lines that let you break apart and join thoughts at the same time. XD It's a bad habit. Occasionally I catch myself using them way too freely...like some people like to throw around parentheses, or commas, or conjunctions, or what have you...
And it may be that with that third dash later in the sentence, that the thing is becoming overrun. I may be able to structure it better. I don't know. Hmm. *ponders*
I felt surprised again by Usopp having allowed himself to fall asleep like that, so close to the other two. But you've made it clear he's come to trust Luffy by now, and I assume Chopper has been taken off the list of possible threats by now as well. It feels sweet and hopeful.
I still say thank my friend night_mare_chan for that. She reminded me I shouldn't make things 100% depressing. XD Getting stuck on one mode/train of thought is a bad habit of mine also.
I've never seen the word "hurk" before, but I like it! :D And I feel I can guess its meaning from sound and context.
XD I seriously couldn't think of anything else to put there, but I'm still not sure it's exactly right. It's not a dictionary word but a colloquial one, kinda SFX-y. If I think about it, it's usually used for the sound of starting to throw up or just as an exclamation when something makes you want to do so. XD;;; But I couldn't think of anything else that sounded most like "Luffy snoring and choking on the back of his own throat at the same time." So, I think it's kinda my invention here, but...ahhhh even looking at it now, nothing else is quite right... >.< it still has to be "hurk."
I shouldn't be one to hypocritically raise an eyebrow at a word like "forgetter", which is perfectly valid and transparent. But in this particular sentence, "he's known to forget a lot more" just seems simpler and easier.
No, XD you're right, I remember struggling with that sentence and never being satisfied by my efforts to eliminate the awkward out of it. Your solution looks better than what's there now...
I have been strongly advised to put a space after my ellipses
Hm, Honestly I have no notion about how they should be treated. I'll keep that in mind, and probably consult a style book or two. A quick glance at wikipedia tells me that one style book recommends a space before and after the dots, except when other punctuation follows. Examples: i … j / k… / l…, l / l, … l / m…? / n…!
Interesting. Gonna be a pain to fix them all, if it turns out to be a consensus...
I'm not quite on how to read this - at first I was convinced Zoro was trying not to upset Usopp too much at this stage, but then I thought maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.
Not wishful thinking, not at all! That's exactly how I intended it to be read. Poor Zoro. He can't get a solid nap in these days. XD Really, it's not that he doesn't care about Usopp...he just takes things very seriously. I feel he would put his foot down when the safety of others and/or the integrity of the group may be threatened, despite what any individual's needs might be. (I'm thinking that the end of Water 7/Enies Lobby here runs on a similar vein.)
I also gotta say...I was stuck on the next chapter halfway through until this comment came along. (Why do you think I was working on that random other thing?) Now it's actually progressing, so I thank you for that kick to the pants. ♥ and don't be too hard on yourself, you've commented on every chapter and I still haven't done all of yours yet!! It's ridiculous.
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