One Piece fic-PoSM, Chapter 7
Title: The Psychology of a Shattered Mind
Chapter Title: Apparent Wind
Rating: PG-13 / T
Characters: Usopp, Robin, Zoro, a little Luffy and Chopper
Word Count: About 3.7k
Warnings: Disturbing imagery, implications of non-con/dub-con, and violence. Potential spoilers for entire series. Angsty Usopp and blatant excuse for nakama comfort. This will be ( Read more... )
Italics for normal quotes, underlines added for text that was in italics to start with.
As always, great to see a new chapter of this story! Like before, this continues to be a dark and painful but very involving story whose instances of heartwarming moments shine all the brighter.
Earlier-the snowballs, Usopp with a little grin, Luffy's boisterous laughter-comes rushing back, and he looks over in the direction of the snores with widening eyes-or, rather, tries to do so.
I really like this reminder of the unexpected but very welcome heart-warming part of the last chapter.
I'm not quite sure about the construction "Earlier [stuff-within-dashes] comes rushing back", though it didn't bother me the first read-through. I'm wavering between feeling it works just fine and being a bit iffy about it.
I felt surprised again by Usopp having allowed himself to fall asleep like that, so close to the other two. But you've made it clear he's come to trust Luffy by now, and I assume Chopper has been taken off the list of possible threats by now as well. It feels sweet and hopeful.
I've never seen the word "hurk" before, but I like it! :D And I feel I can guess its meaning from sound and context.
"What?" hisses the swordsman, now hidden behind the ajar door-except for his head.
Suggest make the dash longer and put spaces around it so it won't look like a compound-making hyphen.
*reads further on* Hm, I see you mostly leave out the spaces around the dash, and now that I think about it, that's optional, yes? However, I still suggest you change the dash in the quoted line to a long one like you have in the rest of the chapter.
The soft, hazy paragraph that starts off Usopp's POV flows very well and just feels right for the situation.
…Then again, he's known to be a forgetter of a lot more than a detail that small, so maybe it doesn't matter.
I shouldn't be one to hypocritically raise an eyebrow at a word like "forgetter", which is perfectly valid and transparent. But in this particular sentence, "he's known to forget a lot more" just seems simpler and easier.
he's surprised to find all trace of that earlier…how to put it…silliness, insanity with Luffy and Chopper already erased by more snow. As if maybe it never happened.
But he wants to believe it did.
I really like this.
I have been strongly advised to put a space after my ellipses, and by now I've come to think that's how it should look. But it might just be a case of varying styles in different countries. (My beta, who schooled me on this, is Canadian.)
_He realizes what they will do. This Celestial Dragon will write it in his book, and close it, and then they'll do everything they can to make him forget that Usopp was a real person and not some thing that was made a note of in someone's ledger_*
That does sound like something those bastards would do. I can follow this reasoning. This whole bit is painful and chilling.
You seem to have a double space right before "thing".
The flashback with the Usopp Pirates right at the branding damn near put tears in my eyes.
She's seen the multiple times the swordsman has been lounging on a favored spot on the deck when Usopp is about hobble his way into view
about to hobble
and there's barely a moment between one eye cracking open and the deck being empty.
I'm not quite on how to read this - at first I was convinced Zoro was trying not to upset Usopp too much at this stage, but then I thought maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.
There are fewer dangerous objects lying around there, she supposes, but their ability to handle an incident, she can't say.
Suggest: but about their ability
One-half a cannonball has buried itself in the full shelf on the far right wall.
One half of a
One heavy blow to her head and she's out cold before she even hits the floor.
Shit. Good way to end the chapter, though! Want mooore. *hypocrite considering how slow *I* am.
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I'm not quite sure about the construction "Earlier [stuff-within-dashes] comes rushing back", though it didn't bother me the first read-through. I'm wavering between feeling it works just fine and being a bit iffy about it.
Well, I have become aware over time that I can be very dash happy. I like my pretty little straight lines that let you break apart and join thoughts at the same time. XD It's a bad habit. Occasionally I catch myself using them way too freely...like some people like to throw around parentheses, or commas, or conjunctions, or what have you...
And it may be that with that third dash later in the sentence, that the thing is becoming overrun. I may be able to structure it better. I don't know. Hmm. *ponders*
I felt surprised again by Usopp having allowed himself to fall asleep like that, so close to the other two. But you've made it clear he's come to trust Luffy by now, and I assume Chopper has been taken off the list of possible threats by now as well. It feels sweet and hopeful.
I still say thank my friend night_mare_chan for that. She reminded me I shouldn't make things 100% depressing. XD Getting stuck on one mode/train of thought is a bad habit of mine also.
I've never seen the word "hurk" before, but I like it! :D And I feel I can guess its meaning from sound and context.
XD I seriously couldn't think of anything else to put there, but I'm still not sure it's exactly right. It's not a dictionary word but a colloquial one, kinda SFX-y. If I think about it, it's usually used for the sound of starting to throw up or just as an exclamation when something makes you want to do so. XD;;; But I couldn't think of anything else that sounded most like "Luffy snoring and choking on the back of his own throat at the same time." So, I think it's kinda my invention here, but...ahhhh even looking at it now, nothing else is quite right... >.< it still has to be "hurk."
I shouldn't be one to hypocritically raise an eyebrow at a word like "forgetter", which is perfectly valid and transparent. But in this particular sentence, "he's known to forget a lot more" just seems simpler and easier.
No, XD you're right, I remember struggling with that sentence and never being satisfied by my efforts to eliminate the awkward out of it. Your solution looks better than what's there now...
I have been strongly advised to put a space after my ellipses
Hm, Honestly I have no notion about how they should be treated. I'll keep that in mind, and probably consult a style book or two. A quick glance at wikipedia tells me that one style book recommends a space before and after the dots, except when other punctuation follows. Examples: i … j / k… / l…, l / l, … l / m…? / n…!
Interesting. Gonna be a pain to fix them all, if it turns out to be a consensus...
I'm not quite on how to read this - at first I was convinced Zoro was trying not to upset Usopp too much at this stage, but then I thought maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.
Not wishful thinking, not at all! That's exactly how I intended it to be read. Poor Zoro. He can't get a solid nap in these days. XD Really, it's not that he doesn't care about Usopp...he just takes things very seriously. I feel he would put his foot down when the safety of others and/or the integrity of the group may be threatened, despite what any individual's needs might be. (I'm thinking that the end of Water 7/Enies Lobby here runs on a similar vein.)
I also gotta say...I was stuck on the next chapter halfway through until this comment came along. (Why do you think I was working on that random other thing?) Now it's actually progressing, so I thank you for that kick to the pants. ♥ and don't be too hard on yourself, you've commented on every chapter and I still haven't done all of yours yet!! It's ridiculous.
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