Things I Hate
I hate feeling like nothing has changed. When I get to feeling like that, I almost fall back into old habits. I hate feeling like I miss him. I hate wanting to kiss him. I hate wanting to tell him how much I love him, and having to hold it back. I hate the nobody on the clan even knows, except two people from ohio, and maybe one from minnesota. I hate that I have to be known STILL as Zeon's Girl...and not Lia. I hate it because it reminds me of him, us, and the way it used to be. I hate everything about it, and I just want everything to go back to the way it was before.
I hate feeling like I need to replace him with someone else, so I'm not so upset anymore. I hate the fact that I want to be friends with him, so I can't hate him. I hate that I refuse to hate him. I hate that I refuse to hold him, or touch him, no matter what I feel. I hate that I can't do the little touchy, flirty things anymore. I hate how awkward it gets sometimes. I hate that I don't feel complete without him. I hate that I don't feel happy all the time without him. I hate that I can't feel him next to me at night, that I can't hear him snore, or that I don't get a kiss when I wake up anymore. I hate sleeping in my cold ass room. I hate that part of me wants to run away from him, in order to keep from running towards him.
It's over for him...and I hate that it's not over for me. I hate that I still love him. I hate that our relationship is over, and yet, it's not over in my mind just yet. I hate that after this semester, I may not ever see him in person again. I hate that I can't really perceive anyone being better for me than him. I hate that I can still see myself with him. I hate that I know that will never happen again. I hate that I know we're not as right for one another as my heart tells me we are. I hate that we didn't talk through our problems. I hate that I blew up at him and pushed him to this point. I hate that I can't tell him how I feel. I hate that I always have to pretend that I'm happy. I hate how I always have to pretend that I'm anything but depressed, and sick to my stomach.
I hate seeing my coworkers (that are dating) flirt and wish it was him and I. I hate that I can sit next to him in the lab, at work, and yet feel like I am half way across the world from him. I hate that I have to keep in contact with him due to our family cell phone plan until next november, but at the same time, I hate that we probably won't have another reason to call one another after that ever again. I hate the idea of him finding someone else. I hate the idea of me finding someone else. I hate the idea of anything besides us being together happening. I hate the awkward rides home, where neither one of us talks as much anymore, unless we're complaining about something, I hate it that when we do talk positively, it's almost always me rambling on, I hate that I have to ramble in order to keep from silence showing it's ugly face. I hate how silence just makes me think about things that I don't want to think about. I hate how I just can't get over this crap.
I hate how I can give advice to people, and not follow it myself. I hate how when he looks at me, it's like he's seeing exactly who I am, exactly what I feel, and exactly what I want. I hate how he knows me that well. I hate how I can't take much more of this. I hate how it's been about a month and it's felt like a year.
Most of all, I hate this gosh damn post and the fact that I have to write it.
I hate feeling like I need to replace him with someone else, so I'm not so upset anymore. I hate the fact that I want to be friends with him, so I can't hate him. I hate that I refuse to hate him. I hate that I refuse to hold him, or touch him, no matter what I feel. I hate that I can't do the little touchy, flirty things anymore. I hate how awkward it gets sometimes. I hate that I don't feel complete without him. I hate that I don't feel happy all the time without him. I hate that I can't feel him next to me at night, that I can't hear him snore, or that I don't get a kiss when I wake up anymore. I hate sleeping in my cold ass room. I hate that part of me wants to run away from him, in order to keep from running towards him.
It's over for him...and I hate that it's not over for me. I hate that I still love him. I hate that our relationship is over, and yet, it's not over in my mind just yet. I hate that after this semester, I may not ever see him in person again. I hate that I can't really perceive anyone being better for me than him. I hate that I can still see myself with him. I hate that I know that will never happen again. I hate that I know we're not as right for one another as my heart tells me we are. I hate that we didn't talk through our problems. I hate that I blew up at him and pushed him to this point. I hate that I can't tell him how I feel. I hate that I always have to pretend that I'm happy. I hate how I always have to pretend that I'm anything but depressed, and sick to my stomach.
I hate seeing my coworkers (that are dating) flirt and wish it was him and I. I hate that I can sit next to him in the lab, at work, and yet feel like I am half way across the world from him. I hate that I have to keep in contact with him due to our family cell phone plan until next november, but at the same time, I hate that we probably won't have another reason to call one another after that ever again. I hate the idea of him finding someone else. I hate the idea of me finding someone else. I hate the idea of anything besides us being together happening. I hate the awkward rides home, where neither one of us talks as much anymore, unless we're complaining about something, I hate it that when we do talk positively, it's almost always me rambling on, I hate that I have to ramble in order to keep from silence showing it's ugly face. I hate how silence just makes me think about things that I don't want to think about. I hate how I just can't get over this crap.
I hate how I can give advice to people, and not follow it myself. I hate how when he looks at me, it's like he's seeing exactly who I am, exactly what I feel, and exactly what I want. I hate how he knows me that well. I hate how I can't take much more of this. I hate how it's been about a month and it's felt like a year.
Most of all, I hate this gosh damn post and the fact that I have to write it.