(no subject)
This whole cold indifference is grating away at my self control. The warm arms of the only coping mechanism I've known to work are reaching for me. When I feel like I'm fallling, it seems the only arms there to embrace me, are those of what is most unhealthy for me. Jumping over these potholes I can't afford to fall into. No matter what "punishment" I deserve, no one can punish me in the grotesque ways that I can punish myself. In a sick way, I think they know that, and in an even more twisted way - I almost feel that's what they are pushing me to. On purpose? The people that have so intimately known the way these things go.
I'm trying, I really am. It's not a lack of effort that has me terrified of myself. When it's you against so many forces, it's almost to the point where wading through the bullshit is getting so tiring I'd like sometimes to just slip under it and lose myself.
I won't, of course, because I'm stronger than than that. I have more will than that. I value myself as a person more than that. I value myself as a person more than they apparently have. Which is ok.
But it just hurts, for now. And I don't quite know the medicine for that, now that all I've got to cope with are the natural forces we're born with. No chemicals this time. No needles, no supremely good muscle control.
For now, I just am more aware than ever of how cruel people are. For now, I have to learn that there isn't always a safe place to go to. From the issues, from myself. If "home" isn't safe, or rather... There is no "home" to go to, where does one turn?
Babe, you've only got one life guaranteed. Don't fuck it up.
Sometimes it takes a bit of reminding. I should have more self respect.
I'm trying, I really am. It's not a lack of effort that has me terrified of myself. When it's you against so many forces, it's almost to the point where wading through the bullshit is getting so tiring I'd like sometimes to just slip under it and lose myself.
I won't, of course, because I'm stronger than than that. I have more will than that. I value myself as a person more than that. I value myself as a person more than they apparently have. Which is ok.
But it just hurts, for now. And I don't quite know the medicine for that, now that all I've got to cope with are the natural forces we're born with. No chemicals this time. No needles, no supremely good muscle control.
For now, I just am more aware than ever of how cruel people are. For now, I have to learn that there isn't always a safe place to go to. From the issues, from myself. If "home" isn't safe, or rather... There is no "home" to go to, where does one turn?
Babe, you've only got one life guaranteed. Don't fuck it up.
Sometimes it takes a bit of reminding. I should have more self respect.