watch as i turn procrastination into an art form by talking about how much i adore my boyfriend.
so even though i just posted a complain-y "today sucks" journal maybe a couple hours ago which i might delete.. i'm definitely feeling pretty happyyy right now. its funny how just talking to pat can do that :) even though i was totally just complaining about his exes and his sexual past.. its just whatever. as the spice girls said in "wannabe"... "if you want my future, forget my past", right? the truth is he makes me ridiculously happy and even when i get like three hours of sleep because we're on the phone all night, i'm still giddy the next day and it's all because of him :) it's just kind of hard right now because despite being so happy because of him, i still find myself obsessing over stupid things and picking fights with him over even stupider things because i'm kind of scared of this. i mean, we're getting kind of serious kind of fast.. we've already said we love each other.. and getting close to someone's scary when you're afraid of getting hurt. but i'm going to try my hardest not to do that anymore.
its so funny how this happened.. when we decided a couple weeks ago that we were together, i was dreading the thought of like changing my relationship status on facebook and having it pop up in everyone from our high school's news feeds and people being like WHAT what a random couple haha. and i was actually kind of embarrassed like ohh maybe we can just keep it a secret. but now i'm like actually so excited to do it, i couldn't even wait til it was official like i had to change it on something so i just changed it on my ap.net profile hahaa.
and sometimes i can't help but think this was like total long time coming type thing. not only do i find it pretty cute that we've gone to school together since i was in kindergarten and he was in 1st grade.. alisal, mohr, harvest park, amador. but i mean, we' ve talked on and off for close to three years and now we're finally together. even though, over the last three years i've never been really interested and it's always been like "ohh well its nice to have someone to talk to" on the surface anyway.. there's just things that make me wonder if maybe i HAVE liked him before now and things that make me see how he's always been too good to me, way better than i have to him.
like junior year, i remember that one time i saw him at in n out after a football game and i walked in and i saw him like immediately loop his arm through emily pesicka's right after i walked inside and (this was after i turned him down and we hadn't talked for awhile) and even though i knew there wasn't anything between them, i thought he did it to make me jealous and it really bugged me and i seriously like obsessed about it for awhile.
or i remember the very end of last year, i think it was the weekend before graduation... the night my friends and i went to see a movie after lauren's grad party and then after the movie i went to go "hang out" with him.. he said we wouldn't hook up, just hang out haha.. and we ended up making out in my car for awhile. and even though, i had a curfew i was basically already late for and that my phone was dead so my parents wouldn't even be able to call me and i kept checking the clock, i never wanted to leave. every time he asked if i had to go, i reluctantly said yes but then didn't stop anyway.. which i guess says that i must have liked him on some level. and i remember when i gotm home and plugged my phone into my charger, he had already sent me a text that said you're beautiful :) i also remember the next day after baccalaureate was matt's grad party and both our families were invited and he wanted to go and he wanted to see me there. and he asked if i wanted him to go and i didn't think i could handle seeing him there and especially with all these people.. my parents, his parents, the dronkers, matt (who i'd had a crush on forever), danny (who i'd like since junior year when we worked together at PIU) and all their other friends (most of whom i'd liked at some point in middle school).. so i selfishly told him not to go, and he didn't go for me even though he was invited and could have anyway.
or after the summer where he wanted me to give him a chance and we were supposed to go on a few dates but we never did and the whole thing ended pretty badly, i remember one random night in the fall where i had a really hard time with my family and i was seriously like at a park (mohr school actually) sitting on the playground crying and trying to think who i could text, someone i could talk to that could make me feel better.. and the person i wanted was him.. ofcourse i'd deleted his number, so i messaged him on facebook on my phone and just said something like "i wanted to text you tonight but i didnt have your number anymore" and he replied like an hour later and gave me his number and was all like whats up whats the deal and when i said i just wanted someone to talk to and he asked if i want to talk on aim or text and i had i just tried to brush him off saying its fine it was just a weak moment and he was just so good.. asking what made it a weak moment, saying he was there to listen if i wanted to talk and just being there for me after everything and then eventually saying that he kinda missed me and had been mad how things ended with us. i also remember on my birthday a few days later him being one of the first people to text me as i was getting ready to leave for school and it was a pretty sweet text too :)
i dunno.. it just feels crazy with our three years of off and on history.. and even if i always said he didn't really mean anything, i don't really think that was entirely true.. in november he got under my skin and pissed me off enough that i wrote a blog that was pretty much directed at him.. (except the part about the feathery strokers was entirely directed at trevor haha).. it's just so funny and really so right to me, that we're together now :)
<3
its so funny how this happened.. when we decided a couple weeks ago that we were together, i was dreading the thought of like changing my relationship status on facebook and having it pop up in everyone from our high school's news feeds and people being like WHAT what a random couple haha. and i was actually kind of embarrassed like ohh maybe we can just keep it a secret. but now i'm like actually so excited to do it, i couldn't even wait til it was official like i had to change it on something so i just changed it on my ap.net profile hahaa.
and sometimes i can't help but think this was like total long time coming type thing. not only do i find it pretty cute that we've gone to school together since i was in kindergarten and he was in 1st grade.. alisal, mohr, harvest park, amador. but i mean, we' ve talked on and off for close to three years and now we're finally together. even though, over the last three years i've never been really interested and it's always been like "ohh well its nice to have someone to talk to" on the surface anyway.. there's just things that make me wonder if maybe i HAVE liked him before now and things that make me see how he's always been too good to me, way better than i have to him.
like junior year, i remember that one time i saw him at in n out after a football game and i walked in and i saw him like immediately loop his arm through emily pesicka's right after i walked inside and (this was after i turned him down and we hadn't talked for awhile) and even though i knew there wasn't anything between them, i thought he did it to make me jealous and it really bugged me and i seriously like obsessed about it for awhile.
or i remember the very end of last year, i think it was the weekend before graduation... the night my friends and i went to see a movie after lauren's grad party and then after the movie i went to go "hang out" with him.. he said we wouldn't hook up, just hang out haha.. and we ended up making out in my car for awhile. and even though, i had a curfew i was basically already late for and that my phone was dead so my parents wouldn't even be able to call me and i kept checking the clock, i never wanted to leave. every time he asked if i had to go, i reluctantly said yes but then didn't stop anyway.. which i guess says that i must have liked him on some level. and i remember when i gotm home and plugged my phone into my charger, he had already sent me a text that said you're beautiful :) i also remember the next day after baccalaureate was matt's grad party and both our families were invited and he wanted to go and he wanted to see me there. and he asked if i wanted him to go and i didn't think i could handle seeing him there and especially with all these people.. my parents, his parents, the dronkers, matt (who i'd had a crush on forever), danny (who i'd like since junior year when we worked together at PIU) and all their other friends (most of whom i'd liked at some point in middle school).. so i selfishly told him not to go, and he didn't go for me even though he was invited and could have anyway.
or after the summer where he wanted me to give him a chance and we were supposed to go on a few dates but we never did and the whole thing ended pretty badly, i remember one random night in the fall where i had a really hard time with my family and i was seriously like at a park (mohr school actually) sitting on the playground crying and trying to think who i could text, someone i could talk to that could make me feel better.. and the person i wanted was him.. ofcourse i'd deleted his number, so i messaged him on facebook on my phone and just said something like "i wanted to text you tonight but i didnt have your number anymore" and he replied like an hour later and gave me his number and was all like whats up whats the deal and when i said i just wanted someone to talk to and he asked if i want to talk on aim or text and i had i just tried to brush him off saying its fine it was just a weak moment and he was just so good.. asking what made it a weak moment, saying he was there to listen if i wanted to talk and just being there for me after everything and then eventually saying that he kinda missed me and had been mad how things ended with us. i also remember on my birthday a few days later him being one of the first people to text me as i was getting ready to leave for school and it was a pretty sweet text too :)
i dunno.. it just feels crazy with our three years of off and on history.. and even if i always said he didn't really mean anything, i don't really think that was entirely true.. in november he got under my skin and pissed me off enough that i wrote a blog that was pretty much directed at him.. (except the part about the feathery strokers was entirely directed at trevor haha).. it's just so funny and really so right to me, that we're together now :)
<3