An update on stuff!
So since I have some time now, I'm gonna gush and complain and yell and hug the World!
So, I don't mean this in a BAD way, but I'm coming up to celebrating a year with Nigel, and looking back on some of the stuff we've been going through, I can't help but look back and wish we were back at the beginning again. Not that I have regrets, I'm better off being with him than anyone else or alone. I just wish we were back in the days where we were just getting to know each other, and no one was a threat, nothing was ever gonna come between us getting closer, and finally after when we said our I-Love-You's, we were just content. That feeling of, "I have a boyfriend, and I'm so crazy about him, and all the things he does is just wonderful" phase where you actually CAN'T possibly see anything going wrong. That feeling is kinda drifting away!
I mean I do love the fact that we now have like our own ways of sensing each other - when we know how we both feel like, we know what not to do...still we try, and then hurt each other, and then he's sorry, I'm sorry, somebody's always sorry, and we try again. I've never had a fairytale, and I've had shares of people telling me that love can suck, so you should just bounce around, have fun while it still is, that way you can never get hurt too badly so you can recover and move on.
But then I had a thought! I don't think people are meant to be alone. You're always gonna have someone, right, I mean yes we should all have more faith in ourselves, but choosing the path to let people in, and when someone ties you down and is not afraid to tell you that what you're being all mooppyy about is not worth risking or should get in the way of any relationships you have with people or with certain things you want to accomplish. And if you get the feeling of "Yeah. I want to go for my dream again, I want to remember how excited I was, and thankfully, I have someone who loves me watching by me" then I think you've got the right person in your life. I think it's a time in my life and maybe all of our lives, to start thinking seriously. There's only so much time left, and we need to start to be picky!
I've been very content with Nigel and things in my life I just take it as it comes, even though I throw fits at it, it's in the best interest of building me up, and tell people that I've lived. I've lived through something, and overcome my failure and make it into success. I just wish there was a bit more crackle, fizzle and pop (...mmmm rice krispies!) at the moment instead of the art of waiting...and the only excitement I get is from love. At least I have it, but what is it without me being able to share my success stories? The new feeling of love just popped in because I wanted so much and SO badly to feel like that again. Where everything you feel is priceless. The fact of not knowing, but knowing it's going to be somehow okay anyways, because if someone loves you, they would do anything to deliver even the worst news in a way to show they do this because they love you.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. It started off with a good form, but it somehow took a turn here and there. I guess I just mean to say that I want POP! Don't know in what form or kind, but something that makes me re-live all the moments I've had that's been my greatest moments. I always wanted to build a history with someone, and I am now. But it's amazing how the past can still hurt us just like it did when it happened. I listened closely to some lyrics to some songs that seemed to ring my EXACT bell, and I started to feel that again. The feeling of rejection, the feeling that you were just not good enough, and the things you think you should have done. But was it worth it to get through all that to what I have today? Yeah, but with some things you'll never be okay with, and it's stored in the back of your head, and it's just how it is! No one can tell you otherwise, horrible memories stick.
I want to feel like I'm on base one again. The first step into that audition, and the answer I gave to Nigel when he asked me out.
So, I don't mean this in a BAD way, but I'm coming up to celebrating a year with Nigel, and looking back on some of the stuff we've been going through, I can't help but look back and wish we were back at the beginning again. Not that I have regrets, I'm better off being with him than anyone else or alone. I just wish we were back in the days where we were just getting to know each other, and no one was a threat, nothing was ever gonna come between us getting closer, and finally after when we said our I-Love-You's, we were just content. That feeling of, "I have a boyfriend, and I'm so crazy about him, and all the things he does is just wonderful" phase where you actually CAN'T possibly see anything going wrong. That feeling is kinda drifting away!
I mean I do love the fact that we now have like our own ways of sensing each other - when we know how we both feel like, we know what not to do...still we try, and then hurt each other, and then he's sorry, I'm sorry, somebody's always sorry, and we try again. I've never had a fairytale, and I've had shares of people telling me that love can suck, so you should just bounce around, have fun while it still is, that way you can never get hurt too badly so you can recover and move on.
But then I had a thought! I don't think people are meant to be alone. You're always gonna have someone, right, I mean yes we should all have more faith in ourselves, but choosing the path to let people in, and when someone ties you down and is not afraid to tell you that what you're being all mooppyy about is not worth risking or should get in the way of any relationships you have with people or with certain things you want to accomplish. And if you get the feeling of "Yeah. I want to go for my dream again, I want to remember how excited I was, and thankfully, I have someone who loves me watching by me" then I think you've got the right person in your life. I think it's a time in my life and maybe all of our lives, to start thinking seriously. There's only so much time left, and we need to start to be picky!
I've been very content with Nigel and things in my life I just take it as it comes, even though I throw fits at it, it's in the best interest of building me up, and tell people that I've lived. I've lived through something, and overcome my failure and make it into success. I just wish there was a bit more crackle, fizzle and pop (...mmmm rice krispies!) at the moment instead of the art of waiting...and the only excitement I get is from love. At least I have it, but what is it without me being able to share my success stories? The new feeling of love just popped in because I wanted so much and SO badly to feel like that again. Where everything you feel is priceless. The fact of not knowing, but knowing it's going to be somehow okay anyways, because if someone loves you, they would do anything to deliver even the worst news in a way to show they do this because they love you.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. It started off with a good form, but it somehow took a turn here and there. I guess I just mean to say that I want POP! Don't know in what form or kind, but something that makes me re-live all the moments I've had that's been my greatest moments. I always wanted to build a history with someone, and I am now. But it's amazing how the past can still hurt us just like it did when it happened. I listened closely to some lyrics to some songs that seemed to ring my EXACT bell, and I started to feel that again. The feeling of rejection, the feeling that you were just not good enough, and the things you think you should have done. But was it worth it to get through all that to what I have today? Yeah, but with some things you'll never be okay with, and it's stored in the back of your head, and it's just how it is! No one can tell you otherwise, horrible memories stick.
I want to feel like I'm on base one again. The first step into that audition, and the answer I gave to Nigel when he asked me out.