i feel like floating into oblivion and leaving the rest askew
what on earth am i doing???
my head is pounding. and i think it's because today i have work to do. real work.
but i have been putting it off and avoiding it. i think i'm getting burned out. i need a vacation.
one that doesn't include school or work or...thinking. i think i've gotten burned out from my life recently.
everything just seems so demanding! of course school and work are, but i also feel like i've forgotten who to be in my life cuz everything and everyone wants something else from me.
i love my friends dearly but it seems like i am being pulled in five million different directions. i don't even know what I want anymore. what does liane want?? how do i get that back??
this is who i feel like it's mandatory to be, without thinking or question:
1. my boss's pet
2. there for all of my friends at the very same time, that person that drops everything that they had planned for their friends' needs.
3.my mother's perfect daughter.
4.the perfect sister
5.the flawless artist
6.the perfect student that works harder than my peers
7. the perfect girlfriend that has seen the error of her ways and gets back together with the only guy that treated her right.
8. to take my own critiicism without wanting to jump off a very high building.
9. the skinny girl cuz i'm in fashion
10. understand my limits.
i think i hate that part the most. the limis and restraints i feel that my life has. i never have enough time, either to sleep, or go to the gym, or see people, or time to give to working. i don't even feel close to figuring out what i want to do with my life.
my head it still throbbing.
but the truth is i'm not perfect. i'm not skinny. i loath watching what i eat. i feel like i'm restraining myself more and that drives me crazy. i hate that i don't have enough time to give to my friends. i wish i had more time to devote to the things i want to do rather than the things i have to do.
i'm contemplating quitting my job. i hate it. but i have bills to pay. damn it!!!
here are the things i want to do...for me:
1. i want to spend more time alone. without the thought of being a gf or a friend. cuz like samantha said... i've been in a relationship with myself for 22 years, and that's the one i need to work on. i hate who i am right now. i don't know who i am right now. i'm not the girl i was in hs anymore but i'm not a woman who has her shit together either. gaaaah!! i hate that.
2. i want to spend more time making clothes. i have all these ideas bouncing around in my head that i've been ignoring lately cuz i have so many other things to work on and that also makes me mad. that i've been blocking out my right side of my brian so much (btw, i looked it up, the left side is analytical and the right is more creative) and i feel really strongly that that's a big part of the reason that i feel so drained.
3.atmospherically, i need to move out. i've got too much stuff. i've suffocating in my room. i need more space to breathe. my lungs are collapsing in this house.
4. i need a car that i can trust. mine is driving me to my wits' end (no pun intended).
5. i hate love. it's become so lame and so over done lately. i don't even know what love it even more. i hate that what i thought was love really isn't. or maybe it is and i just need a long break to realize it. i feel so obligated. i hate that. i shouldn't feel that way, i should want to be with someone if we're together. and i don't, i feel like i owe it to him. but i still want to be friends right now, but i don't want the emotional mess. or lack thereof. wheni think of being in love, i want to be so much in love with someone that it drives me crazy. i want to feel like i need someone and they need me. slightly obessive but not controlling. crazy in love. i was like that once, maybe twice. that's my definition of love. i've been avoiding that feeling for the past two+ years. i can't avoid it any longer. that's the kind of intense love i want.
6. you know how they say a fish only gets as big as it's tank allows it to? yeah. i think that same goes for people as well. i feel like i've hit a rut here. not so much in this town, but in this house. i really am drowning here. routine is too easy to fall into, family on gets so much of me, but they still expect a lot from me. i feel like nothing is mine here, i dwell in my room and no where else. i'm not allowed to put any of my things anywhere else in this house but in my room. my mother has forbode it. i hate that!!! lack of oxygen and respect causes someone not to believe in who they are, i feel as though i am stepping on eggshells here and faultering in the process. maybe that's also another big reason i don't like/know who i am right now. i'm 22 and still living at home to try and make it through college. what a life. i need out. help!!!
7. i don't want a bf right now. i don't want to feel obligated to anyone but me right now. i can't handle anyone else cuz i can't even handle myself.
but i'm not going crazy. i need a day to me. with me. alone. outside of this house. without obligations or places to be or things to do. but that'll have to wait for at least 2 weeks. gaaaah!!!
and they cancelled the coldplay show at arco next month. i am so depressed now :-( i hope they don't cancel the oakland show too. i may cry.
it's like the person i am and the person i know i'm meant to be are both existing but they haven't met up yet.
danny we need to move out before i hand myself from my shower rod! :-) lol
my head is pounding. and i think it's because today i have work to do. real work.
but i have been putting it off and avoiding it. i think i'm getting burned out. i need a vacation.
one that doesn't include school or work or...thinking. i think i've gotten burned out from my life recently.
everything just seems so demanding! of course school and work are, but i also feel like i've forgotten who to be in my life cuz everything and everyone wants something else from me.
i love my friends dearly but it seems like i am being pulled in five million different directions. i don't even know what I want anymore. what does liane want?? how do i get that back??
this is who i feel like it's mandatory to be, without thinking or question:
1. my boss's pet
2. there for all of my friends at the very same time, that person that drops everything that they had planned for their friends' needs.
3.my mother's perfect daughter.
4.the perfect sister
5.the flawless artist
6.the perfect student that works harder than my peers
7. the perfect girlfriend that has seen the error of her ways and gets back together with the only guy that treated her right.
8. to take my own critiicism without wanting to jump off a very high building.
9. the skinny girl cuz i'm in fashion
10. understand my limits.
i think i hate that part the most. the limis and restraints i feel that my life has. i never have enough time, either to sleep, or go to the gym, or see people, or time to give to working. i don't even feel close to figuring out what i want to do with my life.
my head it still throbbing.
but the truth is i'm not perfect. i'm not skinny. i loath watching what i eat. i feel like i'm restraining myself more and that drives me crazy. i hate that i don't have enough time to give to my friends. i wish i had more time to devote to the things i want to do rather than the things i have to do.
i'm contemplating quitting my job. i hate it. but i have bills to pay. damn it!!!
here are the things i want to do...for me:
1. i want to spend more time alone. without the thought of being a gf or a friend. cuz like samantha said... i've been in a relationship with myself for 22 years, and that's the one i need to work on. i hate who i am right now. i don't know who i am right now. i'm not the girl i was in hs anymore but i'm not a woman who has her shit together either. gaaaah!! i hate that.
2. i want to spend more time making clothes. i have all these ideas bouncing around in my head that i've been ignoring lately cuz i have so many other things to work on and that also makes me mad. that i've been blocking out my right side of my brian so much (btw, i looked it up, the left side is analytical and the right is more creative) and i feel really strongly that that's a big part of the reason that i feel so drained.
3.atmospherically, i need to move out. i've got too much stuff. i've suffocating in my room. i need more space to breathe. my lungs are collapsing in this house.
4. i need a car that i can trust. mine is driving me to my wits' end (no pun intended).
5. i hate love. it's become so lame and so over done lately. i don't even know what love it even more. i hate that what i thought was love really isn't. or maybe it is and i just need a long break to realize it. i feel so obligated. i hate that. i shouldn't feel that way, i should want to be with someone if we're together. and i don't, i feel like i owe it to him. but i still want to be friends right now, but i don't want the emotional mess. or lack thereof. wheni think of being in love, i want to be so much in love with someone that it drives me crazy. i want to feel like i need someone and they need me. slightly obessive but not controlling. crazy in love. i was like that once, maybe twice. that's my definition of love. i've been avoiding that feeling for the past two+ years. i can't avoid it any longer. that's the kind of intense love i want.
6. you know how they say a fish only gets as big as it's tank allows it to? yeah. i think that same goes for people as well. i feel like i've hit a rut here. not so much in this town, but in this house. i really am drowning here. routine is too easy to fall into, family on gets so much of me, but they still expect a lot from me. i feel like nothing is mine here, i dwell in my room and no where else. i'm not allowed to put any of my things anywhere else in this house but in my room. my mother has forbode it. i hate that!!! lack of oxygen and respect causes someone not to believe in who they are, i feel as though i am stepping on eggshells here and faultering in the process. maybe that's also another big reason i don't like/know who i am right now. i'm 22 and still living at home to try and make it through college. what a life. i need out. help!!!
7. i don't want a bf right now. i don't want to feel obligated to anyone but me right now. i can't handle anyone else cuz i can't even handle myself.
but i'm not going crazy. i need a day to me. with me. alone. outside of this house. without obligations or places to be or things to do. but that'll have to wait for at least 2 weeks. gaaaah!!!
and they cancelled the coldplay show at arco next month. i am so depressed now :-( i hope they don't cancel the oakland show too. i may cry.
it's like the person i am and the person i know i'm meant to be are both existing but they haven't met up yet.
danny we need to move out before i hand myself from my shower rod! :-) lol