(no subject)
Last week I found out I have cancer. It's called Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia or CML. According to my new oncologist, if you have to have leukemia it's the best kind to have because most people respond very well to the treatment. I will be on chemotherapy for the rest of my life and as long as the cancer doesn't become acute, it will be a long and normal life. That's a big "as long as"...
Every time I close my eyes, I have visions of my bone marrow pushing out thousands and thousands of white blood cells. I don't really know what that looks like so I doubt it's at all accurate, but it's making sleep quite difficult. I've just been really tired since last Wednesday when I found out. I'm tired of telling people, I'm tired of spending time with my family, I'm tired of trying to act like everything is normal.
Everyone has their own opinion on what I should be doing right now, how I should be acting or coping. I tell my roommate I don't want to talk about it, then he invites over some people and cracks a big cancer joke in front of everyone. Stephanie wants to make sure everything stays normal and no one changes how they treat me. My mom wants to make sure I get everything I want and don't spend any time alone. Jennifer wants to spend more time together doing the things we used to do before our falling out. Part of me is thankful for the company and part of me just wants to be left alone for a really long time.
On top of all of this, they want to remove my gall bladder. I only found out about the leukemia because I was in the ER due to severe pain that turned out to be a gall stone. I've already missed a ton of work, and I'm going to be missing a lot more in the coming weeks which I cannot afford right now. So I tell my mom I'm going to apply for short term disability and she starts arguing with me about it.
The oncology office sent me a packet of paperwork I need to fill out. I'm asking my family their opinion on how to answer some of the questions and Stephanie starts giving me attitude when I try to clarify a question. She says if I think I already know the answer then why am I asking for their help.
Multiple times the hospital and the oncologist brought up the importance of a living will and when I try to talk to my mom about it she gets angry. She says I'm only 34 and don't need one. If anything happens to me they will do everything they can to resuscitate me and a living will won't be needed because we will know way before things get that serious. Basically proving why I need one.
I know it's a lot to take in for everyone, but I'm just trying to do what the professionals who handle these situations every day are recommending I do. So far that is the only guidance I have. I need it. I thought reading more about CML online would be a good idea, and that turned out to be a freaking disastrous idea. I'm grasping at straws right now and what I really need from everyone around me is to just listen. I don't need advice, I don't need opinions, I don't even need condolences. I just need them to listen to me and not argue with me. The bottom line is I'm going to handle this the way I need to, and it will be a lot easier if they just support my decisions instead of giving me their opinions.
Every time I close my eyes, I have visions of my bone marrow pushing out thousands and thousands of white blood cells. I don't really know what that looks like so I doubt it's at all accurate, but it's making sleep quite difficult. I've just been really tired since last Wednesday when I found out. I'm tired of telling people, I'm tired of spending time with my family, I'm tired of trying to act like everything is normal.
Everyone has their own opinion on what I should be doing right now, how I should be acting or coping. I tell my roommate I don't want to talk about it, then he invites over some people and cracks a big cancer joke in front of everyone. Stephanie wants to make sure everything stays normal and no one changes how they treat me. My mom wants to make sure I get everything I want and don't spend any time alone. Jennifer wants to spend more time together doing the things we used to do before our falling out. Part of me is thankful for the company and part of me just wants to be left alone for a really long time.
On top of all of this, they want to remove my gall bladder. I only found out about the leukemia because I was in the ER due to severe pain that turned out to be a gall stone. I've already missed a ton of work, and I'm going to be missing a lot more in the coming weeks which I cannot afford right now. So I tell my mom I'm going to apply for short term disability and she starts arguing with me about it.
The oncology office sent me a packet of paperwork I need to fill out. I'm asking my family their opinion on how to answer some of the questions and Stephanie starts giving me attitude when I try to clarify a question. She says if I think I already know the answer then why am I asking for their help.
Multiple times the hospital and the oncologist brought up the importance of a living will and when I try to talk to my mom about it she gets angry. She says I'm only 34 and don't need one. If anything happens to me they will do everything they can to resuscitate me and a living will won't be needed because we will know way before things get that serious. Basically proving why I need one.
I know it's a lot to take in for everyone, but I'm just trying to do what the professionals who handle these situations every day are recommending I do. So far that is the only guidance I have. I need it. I thought reading more about CML online would be a good idea, and that turned out to be a freaking disastrous idea. I'm grasping at straws right now and what I really need from everyone around me is to just listen. I don't need advice, I don't need opinions, I don't even need condolences. I just need them to listen to me and not argue with me. The bottom line is I'm going to handle this the way I need to, and it will be a lot easier if they just support my decisions instead of giving me their opinions.