(no subject)
So I called the mechanic. They don't do body work and the truck looks totalled to them. They can't do anything with it because the body's so bent.
I don't know what I'm going to do without a car. I mean, I guess I can bus to work and get a ride home. Maybe I'll buy a bike. There's no way I can afford another car. I'll buy a bike eventually and use that maybe.
I feel so depressed. I feel like taking all my excessive crap and throwing it away. Better yet, sell it back for the money I spent on it. I don't usually feel like I spend a lot of money on shit, but I'd prolly have a couple hundred dollars more if I hadn't bought this hat or that SOBE. Not that it would make a difference with my vehicle problem. I'm just feeling sick and pissed, and I always start hating material things when I feel sick and pissed. I want to run away somewhere that I don't have to drive to avoid freezing to death. Somewhere I could bike or walk and never had to think how am I going to get to work. S0mewhere society and the permeating virus of too much technology and not enough empathy isn't quite so extreme. Somewhere the hardworking kids actually get somewhere after highschool and aren't going in circles just trying to eat and stay warm and pay the fucking bills on a place where the landlord is sketchy and the washingmachine is sketchy and the hot water doesn't last and the door doesn't want to shut on the freezing cold and half the people you love in the world are a third of the world away in a place you can't be because the government has no fucking clue about what independence or responsibility are because it can't practice it itself. And you feel so horrid everytime someone asks you for money to help the starving kids in Asia or everywhere because you have $50 with you, but you know its gotta pay rent and electricity and internet so you can talk to the ones you love to try to keep some sanity and of course that goddamn insurance that never really seems like its worth it
What the fucking hell. I know that a lot of my rant up there isn't related to the accident which was my fault in the first place. But right now I'm feeling like the only way to deal with this, the only way to figure out what I'm supposed to do next is write down every goddamnfucking shitty thing that is or has been bothering me. Maybe then I'll figure out whether to drop everything and everyone I ever knew and run away to Ireland or Oregon or if I should bum off everyone in the Valley of Five Colleges or just bomb the freakin' white house.
yeah, that's right, CIA or FBI or whoever. I fucking said it. Bomb the white house. Because I know you and your little deals with the CEOs of oil companies, the military dumps all over my beautiful country, Alaska left over from your "Good War" and your defense missle systems that will never work and holy fucking hell the godddamn christian right that hates so many of the people I love. The people that picked up the pieces of my broken world and put it together while you didn't know how to do anything for me but tell me that you wanted me at church. Not because you valued my input about God or because you like my imagination but because you believe that if you can get me to church God will be fuckin ' happy with you and you can go to Peter at the pearly gates and say "Hi, I fuckin' saved Saera." But you condemn my sweet happy friends, with their paganism or their atheism or their untraditional sexualites. And supposedly we're gonna be happier if we go to Church. But then we hear about the molesting priests and I've experienced those Bitchin sunday school teachers who treat people like shit and then tell you that you'll be miserable if you don't do what they think God said. And I know there are some really good Christians out there. If being Christian makes their lives better, I am glad for it, but never ever imagine your christianity will make my life better. if I love you its not whether or not your a Christian, but that you showed me love and friendship. If you fuckin' look around Buddhists and Hindus and Daoists and pagans all are supposed to love others, help others. Every religion that survived into our age teaches that. Because that's how humans are.... they function best when they partner to help eachother surivive and be happy.
Phil gets me to look at the world differently by always reminding me to think "Who benefits", and I don't know about you, but the war in Iraq hasn't made it easier for me to get a degree. The new robot army isn't helping your little brother play safer outside, its giving money to weapon companies, huge corporations that get billion dollar contracts for figuring out the most effective ways to kill people. PEOPLE ALWAYS DIE IN WAR. You make little robots, you turn war into a video game. Where is the guilt, where is conscious if all you kill are lights on a screen. I am sorry of ther are typos now, I am just staring at the ceiling as I write this. Becaus I gcould go on forever like this. THings I read in the paper c`combined with what happense to me and the people I love. boopsiecomplex had a great quote about happiness on her livejournal recently. I honestly believe people used to be happier. Certailny there were difficulties much greater and risks higher often. But there was humanity, really struggling to make things better. People knew the value of children, realized that they had abilities and insights. Yes children had to work, but children were also capable of work, and able to become members of society who knew something other than how to do what everyone else did. I don't really know how to explain what I mean. except that I love books where the characters have to work and sacrifice, but they end up with what they need and what they love. And it is all worth it. I really, really, really wish I felt like it was all worth it, all the effort and sweat and tears for my dreams. I used to really believe they were all possible. But it is getting harder and harder to believe. I don't know how I'll ever get to Erin. There are too many bills, too many loans, too many constructions of time and space and rules to break. How do I break them and not starve to death. How do I start a revolution and not be silenced before there is real change?
I feel like my meaning is slipping away. I'm terrified. I don't want to be another american who is too bogged down to live beyond paycheck to paycheck life, a dreamless, passionless shell who is too tired to care anymore about how much almost every single politician is screwing us over and how our schools don't really teach much anymore and people are afraid or bored more than they're hopeful.
yeah, I'm freaking out, aren't I? And everyone will try to say something sweet and comforting. Some of you are very good at it, and I do feel your love.
But how do I create real change? I feel like the changes I want are bordering so massive they may very well be impossible. But the changes I want are simple needs like not worrying about how I'll get to work or if my roomies and me will all keep making enough to hang on to our living space.
I'm brushing my hair and taking a depression nap.
I don't know what I'm going to do without a car. I mean, I guess I can bus to work and get a ride home. Maybe I'll buy a bike. There's no way I can afford another car. I'll buy a bike eventually and use that maybe.
I feel so depressed. I feel like taking all my excessive crap and throwing it away. Better yet, sell it back for the money I spent on it. I don't usually feel like I spend a lot of money on shit, but I'd prolly have a couple hundred dollars more if I hadn't bought this hat or that SOBE. Not that it would make a difference with my vehicle problem. I'm just feeling sick and pissed, and I always start hating material things when I feel sick and pissed. I want to run away somewhere that I don't have to drive to avoid freezing to death. Somewhere I could bike or walk and never had to think how am I going to get to work. S0mewhere society and the permeating virus of too much technology and not enough empathy isn't quite so extreme. Somewhere the hardworking kids actually get somewhere after highschool and aren't going in circles just trying to eat and stay warm and pay the fucking bills on a place where the landlord is sketchy and the washingmachine is sketchy and the hot water doesn't last and the door doesn't want to shut on the freezing cold and half the people you love in the world are a third of the world away in a place you can't be because the government has no fucking clue about what independence or responsibility are because it can't practice it itself. And you feel so horrid everytime someone asks you for money to help the starving kids in Asia or everywhere because you have $50 with you, but you know its gotta pay rent and electricity and internet so you can talk to the ones you love to try to keep some sanity and of course that goddamn insurance that never really seems like its worth it
What the fucking hell. I know that a lot of my rant up there isn't related to the accident which was my fault in the first place. But right now I'm feeling like the only way to deal with this, the only way to figure out what I'm supposed to do next is write down every goddamnfucking shitty thing that is or has been bothering me. Maybe then I'll figure out whether to drop everything and everyone I ever knew and run away to Ireland or Oregon or if I should bum off everyone in the Valley of Five Colleges or just bomb the freakin' white house.
yeah, that's right, CIA or FBI or whoever. I fucking said it. Bomb the white house. Because I know you and your little deals with the CEOs of oil companies, the military dumps all over my beautiful country, Alaska left over from your "Good War" and your defense missle systems that will never work and holy fucking hell the godddamn christian right that hates so many of the people I love. The people that picked up the pieces of my broken world and put it together while you didn't know how to do anything for me but tell me that you wanted me at church. Not because you valued my input about God or because you like my imagination but because you believe that if you can get me to church God will be fuckin ' happy with you and you can go to Peter at the pearly gates and say "Hi, I fuckin' saved Saera." But you condemn my sweet happy friends, with their paganism or their atheism or their untraditional sexualites. And supposedly we're gonna be happier if we go to Church. But then we hear about the molesting priests and I've experienced those Bitchin sunday school teachers who treat people like shit and then tell you that you'll be miserable if you don't do what they think God said. And I know there are some really good Christians out there. If being Christian makes their lives better, I am glad for it, but never ever imagine your christianity will make my life better. if I love you its not whether or not your a Christian, but that you showed me love and friendship. If you fuckin' look around Buddhists and Hindus and Daoists and pagans all are supposed to love others, help others. Every religion that survived into our age teaches that. Because that's how humans are.... they function best when they partner to help eachother surivive and be happy.
Phil gets me to look at the world differently by always reminding me to think "Who benefits", and I don't know about you, but the war in Iraq hasn't made it easier for me to get a degree. The new robot army isn't helping your little brother play safer outside, its giving money to weapon companies, huge corporations that get billion dollar contracts for figuring out the most effective ways to kill people. PEOPLE ALWAYS DIE IN WAR. You make little robots, you turn war into a video game. Where is the guilt, where is conscious if all you kill are lights on a screen. I am sorry of ther are typos now, I am just staring at the ceiling as I write this. Becaus I gcould go on forever like this. THings I read in the paper c`combined with what happense to me and the people I love. boopsiecomplex had a great quote about happiness on her livejournal recently. I honestly believe people used to be happier. Certailny there were difficulties much greater and risks higher often. But there was humanity, really struggling to make things better. People knew the value of children, realized that they had abilities and insights. Yes children had to work, but children were also capable of work, and able to become members of society who knew something other than how to do what everyone else did. I don't really know how to explain what I mean. except that I love books where the characters have to work and sacrifice, but they end up with what they need and what they love. And it is all worth it. I really, really, really wish I felt like it was all worth it, all the effort and sweat and tears for my dreams. I used to really believe they were all possible. But it is getting harder and harder to believe. I don't know how I'll ever get to Erin. There are too many bills, too many loans, too many constructions of time and space and rules to break. How do I break them and not starve to death. How do I start a revolution and not be silenced before there is real change?
I feel like my meaning is slipping away. I'm terrified. I don't want to be another american who is too bogged down to live beyond paycheck to paycheck life, a dreamless, passionless shell who is too tired to care anymore about how much almost every single politician is screwing us over and how our schools don't really teach much anymore and people are afraid or bored more than they're hopeful.
yeah, I'm freaking out, aren't I? And everyone will try to say something sweet and comforting. Some of you are very good at it, and I do feel your love.
But how do I create real change? I feel like the changes I want are bordering so massive they may very well be impossible. But the changes I want are simple needs like not worrying about how I'll get to work or if my roomies and me will all keep making enough to hang on to our living space.
I'm brushing my hair and taking a depression nap.