Final Spitefic - Hell Chapter
"Watch your step," said Lucifer a second too late, as Julia had already tripped on something and was tumbling around in the void. She eventually smacked her head against something (that might or might not have been placed there by the narrator of this story - not that you can prove it) and it left her with a throbbing pain in her skull. "I've been meaning to get that step fixed, but it always slips from my mind," he chuckled, making Julia aware that she was stuck with one of the worst kinds of people: those who laughed at their own puns. Could this get any worse?
Lucifer gently took hold of the Mary Sue's arm to stop her from floating away from him. "Did you like Peter and Michael? Were they how you imagined them they would be?"
Julia opened her mouth, but no sound came out. After a few moments filled with expectation, Lucifer frowned slightly and pulled out a slip of paper from his magnificent robe. "Aaah," he nodded to himself. He continued advancing through the darkness with his suetiful burden. "Part of your punishment is that you can't talk anymore," he explained as they were heading towards what appeared to be a tiny, far-away star. "I'll explain more once we get there. Now, now, don't struggle."
.......
"Biting won't help either."
......
"Please let go of my hair."
......
What Julia thought was a star proved to be an open door through which a strange, brilliant light shone on. She asked herself what horrors and tortures awaited her in there. Cauldrons filled with boiling tar, guarded by hoofed devils? Endless hunger? An eternity spent as Hojo's plaything? She was out of her mind with fear, and she was right to be. For when Lucifer pulled her struggling form through the door, she saw that it was much worse than she could have ever imagined.
It was a scene pulled straight from her nightmares.
She was in a room filled with hundreds of peculiar girls, their ages ranging from fifteen to thirty. Most of them had long hair of various improbable colors and were wearing outfits of black leather which strangely resembled hers and Sephiroth's. They were all slender and stunningly beautiful, but what they seemed to have most in common was the intensity with which they glared at the newcomer. Julia looked around for Lucifer, but the angel had disappeared without a trace, leaving her at the mercy of the fine looking ladies.
One of them, a cat eared beauty wearing a leather bodysuit with golden shoulder pads, took a step forward and prompty kicked her in the liver. "Sephiroth is mine, you hussy."
All the other Mary Sues joined in, each declaring that the silver haired Adonis was their one true love, and punctuating their statements with well placed kicks to whatever part of Julia they could reach. After what seemed like an eternity, a battered Julia managed to crawl through a door, but not before receiving one final kick in the rump from a brown haired girl with Mako blue eyes.
The new room looked like a regular office: beige carpet, rows of filing cabinets, motivational posters on the walls. A well groomed man sat at the only desk in the room, perusing a thick folder and occasionally adjusting his equally thick glasses. Shakily, Julia stood up and collapsed into the first available chair, which happened to be in front of the desk.
"Good day and welcome to the Final Fantasy VII True Facts Seminar. This course has been designed with the specific purpose of informing you about the story of Final Fantasy VII. It aims to dispel myths, separate fanon from canon and offer a cohesive overview of the game's story." At these terrifying words, Julia wanted to bolt out of the room, but to her horror, she realized she was glued to her chair.
......
Seven thousand and seventy seven years later...
"Sephiroth was never the general of the Shinra army. He was simply the best 1st Class SOLDIER." The man was reading off what seemed to be the final page of his file. Julia was slumped down in her chair, a trickle of saliva rolling steadily down her chin. "Reno does not smoke, nor is he an alcoholic."
In her semi-catatonic state, Julia barely registered the man closing his voluminous folder with a snap. What she did register, however, was the gaping hoe opening up under her chair. She slid down a dark, moldy tunnel, garlands of moss occasionally slapping her in the face. Millions of Final Fantasy VII facts had confused and tormented her, testing her prized ability to resist logic to the limit. She had passed out countless times, but everytime consciousness returned to her, she found herself surrounded mercilessly by cold, hard facts. The tunnel was the respite she had prayed for. Whatever waited for her at the end of it, it could not be worse than that.
She was, of course, wrong.
The chocobo she landed on was crawling with worms. Fat, pink wriggling worms. They were falling off the equally pink carcass as the zombie chocobo was running unsteadily in a nightmarish race. Dazed, Julia looked around and saw Korokou overtaking her on a cardboard chocobo. A man with a moustache and a large red cap wheezed by her on a mechanical chocobo and threw a banana peel behind him. Her chocobo stepped squarely on it and spilled beak-first onto the track, propelling Julia off his back and into a wall. As she got up, a moogle drove by in a clown car and threw a Kupo nut at her face. It did not miss.
Before she got a chance to rub her sore forehead, she saw a writhing mass of small hooded creatures walking slowly towards her. At first, she wasn't sure what the little figures were, but then she caught sight of small prickles of light coming from their hands, and recoiled in cold, breath-halting panic when she realized that an army of Tonberries was heading her way. She sprinted past her chocobo only to crash almost immediately into an invisible wall. A screen descended from the ceiling, with the following message displayed in bright yellow letters: "Please remain seated on your chocobo for the duration of the race."
Julia ran back to her decaying bird and controlled her nausea long enough for her to climb on its saddle. The Tonberry army was getting closer. One of the little green ones was already sizing her up using his knife. Gritting her teeth, she spurred her zombie mount on.
......
Some painful centuries later...
With its last squawk, the festering pile of flesh crossed over the finish line and threw Julia forward onto the ground. Over the centuries, the Tonberry army had caught up with its target more than enough, and the former Mary Sue was sporting numerous cuts all over her impossibly voluptous body. Unfortunately for her, she could not die anymore, so her wounds lasted for a day and then healed just in time to receive fresh ones. She had dug her heels into her steed to make it run faster, but that only seemed to confuse it, and more than once it suddenly turned the other way around, leading her into a sea of sharp little blades. But now it was over, she thought at she lay there with her eyes closed, listening to the whispering of the wind.
Wait.
Wind?
......
When she opened her eyes again, she was in a beautiful meadow. Ancient, moss-covered trees were lining the small clearing, and ruby-red butterflies were fluttering amongst the flowers. A small gathering was in the center of this lovely tableau, and Julia approached it uncertainly. At the sound of her footsteps, one of the people there turned around and Julia was shocked to come face to face with professor Hojo.
"Are you here for the wedding?" he asked, not seeming to recognize her. When Julia looked confused, the professor pointed to a young couple located under an arch heavy with greenery. With a gasp, Julia recognized Sephiroth, handsome and impeccable-looking in a formal suit. Next to him, her hand in his, stood a beautiful woman with long brown hair and mako-green eyes. She was clad in a white wedding dress with flowers embroidered on the bodice and the hem.
"What is this?" Julia asked, perplexed - even more so when she realized she had regained her ability to speak. Why was Sephiroth marrying this woman? He was already married to her! She came forward and said so aloud. Everybody turned to stare at her. The woman asked Sephiroth if he knew Julia, but he denied, looking just as surprised as everybody present.
"Who are you?" inquired the woman. "Why are you interrupting our wedding?"
"I am Sephiroth's wife and the mother of his son! Sephiroth! Please, how can you-"
She wanted to say more but the words caught in her throat when she saw a young boy with unmistakeable silver hair and green eyes run towards Sephiroth and the woman. Sephiroth took him in his arms, and Julia was struck by the resemblance the boy bore to him. The bride cooed at the boy and pinched his cheek gently.
"I don't understand, what kind of sick alternate reality is this? We were highschool sweethearts, Sephiroth! We made it to the top of the Shinra army together, you and me... you married me! We had a beautiful son together..."
At this woeful enumeration, the bride's eyes flashed and suddenly the world grew dim. Only her form was clear and crisp, illuminated by a strange blue aura. She raised one hand and an unusual sword appeared out of thin air and landed hilt-first on her palm. Her delicate white dress shifted into a leather outfit strongly reminiscent of Sephiroth's. And Julia understood then that she had entered another Mary Sue's world.
......
It is a truth universally acknowledged that two Mary Sues cannot coexist in the same universe. Their very nature, uncompromisingly greedy for attention, cannot endure the enormous and demanding presence of a similar creature. And thus, at this point in the story, it comes off as no surprise to find the two Mary Sues locked in a deadly struggle, out of which only the biggest Sue can emerge victorious.
......
"I became the Commander of the Shinra army at sixteen!" shrieked Julia, and the outrageousness of the statement sent powerful shock waves against the rival Sue.
"I am a full-blooded Cetra!" countered the Sue, who had introduced herself by the name of Yasao Kenshi. The canon violation described by her words made a powerful shield around her slender form, against which Julia's shock wave crashed ineffectively.
"I got my hands on a Knights of the Round materia before the age of sixteen!" Julia shouted, unaffected by the setback. The ridiculousness of the fact she stated condensed into daggers and headed towards Yasao, who then countered by saying that she can do magic without materia, and that raised a wall of ice which smashed Julia's daggers and headed towards her in a flurry of white crystals.
"I have a customized Limit Break!" was Julia's retort, and a shield of fire glimmered around her, melting the ice wall before it could reach her.
"I have visions of the future! And everybody loves me!" Yasao grinned in anticipation of the coup de grace. The meteors summoned by her bullshit powers broke through the clouds and headed towards their blonde Sue target.
"Big deal. Everybody loves me even though I treat them like trash!" replied Julia with an ugly smirk. The meteors suddenly exploded mid-air, raining ashes onto both combatants.
"I grew up in Nibelheim together with Sephiroth!" barked Yasao, aiming the newly formed lava globes which her Sueness had created at her opponent.
"I grew up with Tseng..." mumbled Julia, conscious of the weakness of her retort. The weak shield she had conjured would crack under the pressure of Yasao's outrageous Sueness unless she countered with something strong. "I have a custom sword!"
Yasao laughed. "I have a CANON sword, Murasame! Given to me by Sephiroth himself!"
A lava globe smacked Julia right in the face, but she persevered. "I-I turned Zack into a lecherous, woman-beating jock!" Her hair stopped burning.
"I turned Hojo into a loving grandpa who babysits my son!"
At this, Julia's brain broke a bit. It was becoming apparent that she had to pull out the big guns. "I had a son with Sephiroth too, but he died dramatically when he was just a baby! Hojo convinced a group of SOLDIERs to shoot him up for no reason!" were her words, and the terrible wave of ash headed her way at Yasao's orders was stopped by a blast of dark matter brought into existence by her last statement. "I also destroyed the capital of Wutai, home to millions, in an attack so effective that only two people survived! And then I went home and got married!"
The air around Yasao became unbearably hot and she caught fire as a result of this devastating proof of Sueness from her awful counterpart. She thrashed and screamed for a while under Julia's satisfied gaze, and when she finally managed to put the fire out by saying that she qualified for SOLDIER 2nd Class straight from the Shinra military academy, she had a proposition for Julia: a duel. By this time, both Sues recognized that the other would not be so easily defeated, and they took each other very seriously. Julia summoned her naginata and Yasao prepared her Murasame for a lengthy battle.
They clashed fiercely, each of them confident in their ridiculous Sue powers. As they were locked in their bitter struggle, each Sue glaring at the other, pushing all of their strength against the other's sword, their eyes suddenly went wide as a sharp pain flashed through their busty, heaving chests. They looked down simultaneously and saw that a long blade had impaled them both.
As Julia looked past Yasao's shiny hair, she could distinguish the majestic form of Sephiroth, who had impaled them both like shish kebabs. The weapons fell from the women's suddenly powerless hands as the silver SOLDIER lifted them up and spoke in Toshiyuki Morikawa's voice:
"I am a character thought up by a Japanese man, a blank slate upon whom you projected whatever you wanted to project. The thought that I, a fictional character invented by a man and refined by a group of people, am your guardian angel and the person who knows you best and would be most compatible with you is ridiculous. Get out of the house. Finish your education. Wash your hair. Do sports. Stop whining that you are in the wrong universe. Stop living in your head. You want to be worthy of me? Get to work."
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Lian Hua: Bet you didn't think this was ever going to see the light of day! :)