Garfield: Royal Rescue
Garfield: Royal Rescue
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by ShakespeareHemmingway
Alternative Title: Time for a British invasion!
I am a somewhat new fan of Garfield. I think I started going on an archive binge three or four years ago and I found him hilarious. Him and Rat from Pearls Before Swine are two of my favorite newspaper comic characters. I never went as far as to search for fanfiction of Garfield, because I honestly did not know there was any. And then last year I was made aware of my ignorance - Et est, ergo habet fanfictione. It exists, therefore it has fanfiction. As I was searching for the next Shinra High, I saw this story in a list of most hilarious badfics and read it on a whim.
Royal Rescue is in my opinion the type of story that is too funny and epic to be considered badfic. You can't get mad at it because there is no way it can be taken seriously. It defies that through its plot, characters and very quotable lines. Onwards!
Garfield: Royal Rescue
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Garfield was relaxing having some scotch and lasagna
when Jon Arbuckle came with emergency news.
The Sporksford English Language Dictionary defines emergency news as the type of news that can be administered to an individual experiencing news withdrawal.
"Garfield it is terrible I have the bad news." Jon Arbuckle Said with crying words. "Our pizza will be late!"
It was the only time Jon Arbuckle would ever see Garfield choke on his scotch.
"Stop your sob stories and give me your thoughts." Garfield said with serious demands. Among those demands Jon counted six mince pies and a turkey leg.
"It is terrible Garfield, Kate Middleton and Prince William are getting married but you are not invited!" Jon Arbuckle said with outrage.
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Typically English. They invite the Duke of York but forget Garfield.
"This is lies!" Roared Garfield with angry voice.
"It is true. Look and see." Jon Arbuckle showed Garfield a letter that came through mail boxes.
"Dear Garfield, you are not invited to royal wedding. Sincerely Royal England Family." Said the letter with insults.
I take my words back - they were considerate enough to send a letter informing him of his non-guest status, so he can feel free to make other plans for that day.
"INVITE THIS." Shouted Garfield as he tore up the letter with manly hands.
To be honest, Garfield does have what I assume are hand-shaped paws.
"This is last straw. I will not stand for insults to humanity wait what." Garfield cried out to the ceiling with fist clenched with justice (that's the name of his Scotch glass).
"What will you do Garfield?" Asked Jon Arbuckle with wondering.
"I will do what any good man does when insulted with words. I will crush wedding with righteousness." Garfield roared with determination.
I can't spork this guys. I just can't out-funny it.
"It will be dangerous. Royal edicts are there with power." Jon Arbuckle warned with caution.
"The only edict I serve is my fist." Said Garfield as he walked out with intentions.
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Meanwhile in England Buckingham Palace Prince William and Kate Middleton were getting ready for marriage ceremonies.
"Kate Middleton soon we will be in marriage and all will be well. You will be princess of England and all will bow to you." Said Prince William with celebration.
"Yes I am happiness. But I wish Garfield was here. I am missing Garfields macho charm and rugged good looks." Kate Middleton said with distant longing.
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"FORGET GARFIELD. He is not coming for as long as I am Prince of this land. You will be mine and mine alone." Said Prince William grasping Kate Middleton tightly.
That escalated quickly! Prince William is such an odd choice for a villain - from what I know, he is quite well liked. Why not pick his father?
"But." Said Kate Middleton with whimper.
"There will be no buts for YOU. No cat no matter how manly will steal my woman!" Shouted Prince William with anger.
"Oh, Garfield…" Cried out Kate Middleton with wanting.
I must admit this story has some slightly uncomfortable moments... I mean, they're real people! I see them in the news quite often.
Meanwhile Garfield was getting ready for trip to lovely country of England.
"Time to prepare for my British vacation. My only souvenir will be flaming vengeance." Garfield said as he packed his things.
Can you really say this isn't quotable? CAN YOU?
"Garfield be careful of stress it is killer with heart disease and cholesterol." Jon Arbuckle warned with advice.
I think he's got it well under control, Jon.
"I have no time for stress, there is British damsel that needs saving." Garfield said with stern voice.
"Farewell Jon Arbuckle. Hold down fort when I am gone." Garfield said as he left for adventure.
"You know it Garfield. Show them what a real man is made of." Jon Arbuckle said as he grasped Garfields arm for manly awkwardly positioned handshake.
Garfield then boarded his jet and lifted off for take off with thunder like speed. Garfield soared through the sky over oceans and oceans until he came to Island of England. Garfield then braked his jet and prepared for jumping.
Wait, what?
"Time for a British invasion." Said Garfield as he leaped out of Jet into country of Great Britain to administer justice like a Prime Minister of iron.
Garfield opened his parachute with lasagna logo but was in no mood for playtime.
A parachute with a lasagna logo!
"Parachutes are for little girls and babies in wheelchairs." Said Garfield as he cut his parachute off for free fall fun.
Keep this up and you'll be having James Bond filing for unemployment in no time.
Meanwhile in Buckingham palace Prince William was dressing up in wedding clothes. All of a sudden he sensed great power.
But was it over 9000?
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*is slaped by the internet*
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Sorry.
"No it can not be it must being my imagination playing tricks on me." Said Prince William with self delusional fear.
"Prince William we are almost ready for the wedding." Said the servants.
"Very well I am almost ready. Now leave before I am lashing your back." Roared Prince William with anger.
Whoa careful there, you don't want Django on your back do you?
"Yes my master." Said the servants with cowering.
The Queen of England than entered Prince Williams room with words.
The Queen can enter however she pleases, even in a nonsensical way. She is the Queen.
"This is your special day. Yet I am unsure you have proven true manhood." Said The Queen of England.
Who in the royal family has??
"I am true man. All will England will see." Said Prince William with defiance.
"Why have you not invited Garfield? Do you fear to face real man?" Asked the Queen of England with challenge.
"I fear no man or cat!" Shouted Prince William as he tossed champagne glass at mirror shattering all into millions in fits of anger.
It shattered all into millions? Has the universe ended?
"I am the prince of all English! All will cower before my monarchial might! Not even Garfield can defeat me!" Declared Prince William with royal decree.
You keep using these words. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.
Meanwhile Garfield was walking in streets of London with purpose. As Garfield walked with strength steps, Englishmen cheered him and shouted his name with joy.
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"GARFIELD. GARFIELD." Cheered the Englishmen as Garfield walked to Buckingham Palace.
Garfield walked with sternness and determination to destination for he was on mission. Garfield walked and walked until he came to Buckingham Palace gates.
"No gate can take my power!" Garfield bellowed with majesticness as he punched down gate with one punch.
It is at this very moment that the sporker starts biting her nails, worried that her audience has figured out that all she can do to spork the story is add pictures to it.
Garfield marched with purpose in feet as stormed to wedding place of matrimony. Royal Guards came rushing to arrest him but they were not of match.
"There is Garfield! Arrest him in the name of prince!" Shouted the Guards with princely loyalty.
More nailbiting from the sporker.
"Relax my English hombres you are being relieved of duty." Said Garfield chilly as hit royal guards with fists and feet of speed like typhoon sending them flying miles high and exploding.
Garfield picked up a guard and raised him high in air like feather.
"Here why not enjoy delicacy of fresh fish and chips. " Quipped Garfield as he tossed the guard into the sea.
London has no sea opening! Did he punch him so hard he flew out of London, across the countryside and then into the sea?
"There is plenty of salt for you in there." Said Garfield with cleverness as he walked away.
Garfield marched on his mission until he came to wedding parties with food and drink.
But the feast is always after the wedding itself! Are they already married?
More Guards came for ambushing but Garfield handled it like man.
"It is tea time have a sip." Said Garfield as he took tea kettle and tossed it at the guards.
"AHH NO." Cried out the guards as the tea melted them into skeletons.
Your average English person: "Oh, you think the tea is your ally, but you merely adopted the tea. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see coffee until I was already a man; by then, it was nothing to me but bitter! The tea betrays you, because it belongs to me."
tl;dr There's no way they would melt when soaked in hot tea!
Garfield came on table of food with wedding guests sitting around on celebration.
"No lasagna? What is the blasphemy!" Garfield roared in anger as he threw table on wedding guests.
On anybody but David Beckham, please!
"Lasagna is food of warriors and kings. Do not be forgetting this you worms." Garfield roared as he walked on.
I never tried lasagna so I don't know if it's that good. Opinions?
Garfield soon came upon wedding ceremony with Prince William and Kate Middleton at alter being wed. Everyone heard Garfields manly footsteps like thunder in the sea. Prince William Turned around saw his fears become realities.
"GARFIELD?" Yelled out Prince William in tones of squealing horror.
"How rude have you not heard royal tradition? It is the rules that I am first to have woman before marriage." Garfield stated with cold fact.
Fun fact: it's very, very likely that the droit du seigneur tradition did not exist. Instances have been recorded, but they were never widespread enough to be considered rights (or normal). They were most likely a sign that the respective lord was a total douchebag. Other bizarre rights that the people believed in were the droit de ravage (which supposedly allowed the lord to ravage the fields in his own domain) and another one which gave him the right to disembowel his serfs for the purpose of warming his feet in their bowels. While I'm pretty sure there was a lord who perhaps got drunk one day and decided to raid his own village or that a psycho lord went as far as to warm his feet in an unfortunate serf's intestines, they were exceptions and not the rule.
"Garfield you will never have my woman! I am prince I am above all!" Declared Prince William with arrogant laugh.
Garfield looked at Prince William with eyes of seeing and spoke with words of saying.
Look at that sentence! LOOK AT IT.
"Even princes must obey the law of the fist. But do not being worrying for I will give you fair trial. Here is the JUDGE and here is the JURY." Garfield said as he raised his two fists for showing.
"Enough nonsense! Feel might of royal jewels!" Said Prince William as he snapped his fingers.
This... was not supposed to be 18+
At Prince Williams commands noise was heard. Mighty Big Ben transformed into giant laser cannon and aimed at Garfield with blasting intent.
Oh so we're keeping up with the penis metaphors.
"Tick Tock it is 12 o'clock. Time to die!" Said Prince William with mocking words.
At these words Big Ben fired at Garfield with beams of fury. However Garfield was not laser fazed and backhanded laser beam with ease.
" IMPOSSIBLE." Cried out Prince William with shock.
The sporker has ran out of nails to bite.
"Do you not learn physics in prince school? Lasers bounce off of my mighty man muscle." Garfield tutored with teachings.
Bet they didn't teach him that in Eton!
"I silence your mockery forever! Die!" Yelled Prince William as he took out long sword and thrust it at Garfield, but Garfield caught his arm in midair and crushed bones with crab like grip.
"It looks like your time has just run up." Quipped Garfield as he tossed Prince William into Big Ben exploding them both.
"NOOOOO." Cried out Prince William as he crashed into Big Ben for explosion.
"Good night, sweet prince." Said Garfield with cool words as he walked away.
After victory Kate Middleton ran to Garfield and embraced him with arms.
"Garfield thank you. When I was marrying him I only thought of you." Thanked Kate Middleton with gratitude.
"No problem my British biscuit. You must save me juicy piece of your shepherd's pie." Garfield responded with flirtations.
How to Turn Food into Awkward Metaphors 101: By Garfield Manmuscle!
"Garfield you are true hero and real man. We want to make you honorary king of England." Queen Elizabeth said with royal orders.
Still a better choice than Charles!
"I am sorry but I am busy living fast life of fast adventures and faster women." Garfield rejected with sympathies.
"Very well at least accept position of Duke of Ireland." Said the Queen of England.
I started googling to see who the Duke of Ireland was so I can use an outraged photo of him but then it turns out that this title was forfeited in 1388 and never used again. It is vacant!
"Fine but I must first be attending to important business." Said Garfield as he picked up Kate Middleton and brought her to royal bedroom where he could show her how real men love women.
"Garfield please make me your queen." Said Kate Middleton with warm tone.
"I do not have castle to give you but I have a mighty tower for you to climb." Garfield Said with seduction.
*withers*
Seriously guys, how do I spork this?
"Garfield I want you to joust me like valiant knight." Kate Middleton cried out with desire.
Oh God no, please, I see photos of this woman every day on the news!
Garfield then rode Kate Middleton like mighty knight taming wild stallion. With mighty force Garfield Jousted Kate Middleton with manly lance into late hours of night and all heard sound of their romances.
The end…?