Shinra SOLDIER Chapter 108
A Heartfelt Reunion between a boot and Julia's face
Chapter 108.) - in which it's game over
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Lazard Deusericus is baffled. The bar is empty. The floor is littered with broken glass, the walls have been splashed with alcohol. There is a small fire in the kitchen sink. The countertop has four similar indentations in it, as if someone had smashed the surface with a sledgehammer. If the light is right, a very fine silver hair can be found caught in the splinters.
"What the hell happened here?"
When his three top SOLDIERs did not answer their phones, he had feared the worst and came down to the bar where they usually sporked from, only to find it in disarray. After ordering his guards to put out the fire, he begins looking around the room, trying to find a clue to his men's whereabouts. A much abused manuscript peeking from underneath a fallen bar stool catches his eye. He picks it up and begins reading it.
It wasn't long before Tseng had cornered a doctor. Being the mellowest of the three, he was now giving this doctor the verbal lashing of his lifetime. "I've tired to explain this in a gentlemanly manner!"
Lian Hua: WHEN?
He growled angrily. "I have been polite, and I've been as understanding as is humanly possible…
Lian Hua: When, you assbrain? When you allowed Reno to verbally abuse and threaten to kill a nurse?
Iscariot: We don't get to see any of these polite requests. Just because he says they happened off-scene means nothing. All we see is Tseng and Reno being ultradouchebags! And as Tseng is Reno's superior, the fact that he is commending and encouraging this behavior makes him just as guilty.
but now you all have thoroughly pissed me off. Now, if you would be so kind, tell us what room my little sister is recovering in!"
Nurse Wallace: Take the elevator to hell and ask for the Devil's bedroom.
Just as the doctor opened his mouth to protest, Reno cut in. "You have two choices ass wipe. Either you tell us what we want to know, or you have your balls torn off and shoved down your throat!"
"Sirs, Mrs. Okokou really isn't up to having visitors right now!" The doctor whimpered. "I'm only trying to protect our patient…"
"God…you really are dumb as dog shit. We want her to die!"
Iscariot: HEY, FUCKTARD. REMEMBER HOW YOU NEVER FINISHED HIGHSCHOOL AND GOT HELD BACK FOR LIKE WHAT, FOUR YEARS RUNNING? TO EVEN HAVE A PHD, THIS DOCTOR HAD TO ATTEND OVER SEVEN YEARS OF FUCKING COLLEGE, WHY DON'T YOU GO SUCK SOME DICKS OR WHATEVER YOU HORRIBLE USELESS CHARACTERS DO!
Reno grumbled. "I would bet any amount of money that if she's conscious…she's been demanding to see her husbando…"
Iscariot: You know what I don't get? They aren't even asking for much. Sephiroth is her husband, he wants to know if she's doing okay and what room she is in. This time, unlike the instance with the car accident, there's no real reason why they would be completely ignoring him. Even if they couldn't let him see her, they'd politely explain that she is in critical condition / the doctors are working overtime to save her life / she is in a delicate state where receiving visitors may cause a risk to her health. SOMETHING. All of this nonsense with the staff ignoring Sephiroth - and getting abused in consequence - is being played up for cheap, POINTLESS drama.
Lian Hua: It is important to let someone recover and not bring germs into the sterilized, carefully monitorized environment in which the patient is resting in. She's lost a ton of blood, meaning that her immune system is very weak right now.
Iscariot: You know what? They really should just let these fuckers in to spread their germs everywhere. Then the poor abused staff can laugh as Julia FUCKING DIES. Then they can be like, "We TOLD you not to go in there for this very purpose. If you had LISTENED TO US this wouldn't have happened." Then Sephiroth can get all depressed because it's his fault and kill himself. BEST ENDING EVAR.
Lian Hua: This doctor is awesome though, because he's true to Hippocrates' oath. He is a good doctor through and through. Doing his job, protecting Julia and facing off against these authority abusing troglodytes who are so stupid, ignorant and arrogant that they don't realize the doctors have a very solid reasoning behind their decision.
As Reno paused to take a breath, Sephiroth, sick of this banter, strode forward, grabbed the doctor's lab coat, hoisted him into the air, and slammed him into the wall.
Lian Hua: Isn't it odd that a man who lost so much blood that he nearly died just hours before would have so much strength left in him? If Reno's Full Cure spell restored him so well, why did Julia need a blood tranfusion at all?
"Listen up, God damn you! If you don't tell me which room my wife is in, I'm going to fucking mutilate you and leave you here to die…slowly…" There was an insane light gleaming in his eyes, leaving no one there any doubt that he meant exactly what he said.
Iscariot: Our hero, everyone. The apple of Julia's eye, the love of her life, her ideal man. Assaulting a doctor who was just doing his job and trying to save Julia's life, even if she does not deserve it. What was that about Jenova controlling Sephiroth? The way Slave wrote him, the burning of Nibelheim was just child's play. Nibelheim was just him having a bad hair day. Nibelheim was this phlegm stain getting pissed because someone got his McDonald's order wrong!
GODS! I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I HATE HER INTERPRETATION OF HIS CHARACTER. It's shallow, pointless, homicidal and even more void of morality than Sephiroth in the game AFTER HE WENT INSANE.
Lian Hua: In all seriousness, I want to punch the character through the screen.
By now, the doctor was absolutely terrified. He decided that he would rather contend with Satan himself than deal with these three Shinra executives any longer.
Lian Hua: Only Sephiroth is an executive.
"She's…she's down in 209…" he squeaked.
Sephiroth roughly dropped the doctor and turned on his heel, heading for the elevators without a backward glance.
Looking contemptuously down at the sniveling man, Reno the Future Wifebeater promptly left, following Sephiroth and Tseng to the elevators to descend one level to the two-hundreds wing. Just outside room 209, he watched Sephiroth pause and collect himself before opening the door and disappearing into the room.
Standing just outside the room, Tseng gestured for Reno to wait with him.
He wasn't entirely surprised to find her asleep. It was ridiculously late…and no one in their right mind would be awake without a damn good reason.
Iscariot: Such as the doctors at this hospital. Who work 14 HOUR SHIFTS. TO SAVE LIVES. INCLUDING JULIA'S. YOU MOTHERFUCKINDFKSHKDSFDS
Quietly pulling the single chair in the room over to her bedside, he sat down and gently took her hand in his.
Their two Turk bodyguards had finally made their way into the room, and now Tseng stood leaning against the wall while Reno had flopped down onto the floor, buried his face in his hands, and had presumably fallen asleep.
Iscariot: I'm trying to imagine this and it sounds STUPID. What kind of position is that??
Lian Hua: Slave let the puppet strings loose.
As six in the morning came and went, Sephiroth pulled out his PHS and stepped outside the room to dial the number for Zack's room in the barracks.
Lian Hua: Mmmm, no. The Sue may have assimilated Bob much like the Borg, but this still doesn't make this character Zack. I think I'll dub him Asskisser.
"Zack Asskisser speaking…"
"Good morning, Zack Asskisser." Sephiroth began, forcing himself to sound normal. "I (really don't) hate to do this to you…but thanks to the perpetual chaos that Hojo causes…I don't think I'm going to make it in today.
Bob (suddenly revived by Lian's nostalgia): Big surprise. You missed work yesterday as well, remember?
Basically, I'm calling to tell you that you're in charge today. If I'm not mistaken, you do know what to do…right?"
Bob: Of course I do. I'm the one who had to fill in for you for months now. Do you still know what to do if you ever come back to work?
Lian Hua: *sigh* I miss Bob.
"Is everything okay?" Zack Asskisser asked, actual concern tingeing his tone.
Lian Hua: Oh là là, this is such believable character development. It's not like he hated Sephiroth's guts for 150 chapters and almost a). murdered Julia once b). caused her to kill herself another time. Asskisser had no respect for neither Boytoy or his waifu.
Iscariot: Ironic that, despite Slave's irrational, unexplained hatred for Zack, she still unintentionally makes him the most awesome thing in her fics. Too bad she had to go and ruin that characterization, too.
Lian Hua: Bob hated and resented them and he was right - they were fucking assholes! They also indirectly screwed over his military career by sending him to Awaniko instead of the capital, denying him the chance to prove himself in battle. And now that the Wet Cardboarder Korokou is gone, he's being brainwashed into submissiveness by the author.
"…No. Hojo, this wonderful man, has been off on a hell-bent rampage trying to kill Julia." He sighed. "She's in the hospital recovering…and that's why I'm not going to be in today."
Bob: I see. Well, good luck with finishing the job. Bring me an ear or something.
"I should have guessed that son of a bitch was up to something like that. He's been babbling about terminating useless experiments for days…I should have assumed he meant us." After a pause, he said, "Don't worry about it, Seph. I'll take care of everything. I'll also make sure the President knows that you have been missing work and concealed vital information from him."
"Thank you, Zack Asskisser." Then he hung up and returned to his seat.
If it weren't for years of waking up at the same time every day, Reno was convinced that he could have easily slept through the next week.
Lian Hua: Remember how he slept all morning in his tent during the Wutai war and how Julia had to drive there to wake him up?
As it was, he stretched, and stood. "Are you two hungry?" He asked.
Tseng nodded. "We did skip dinner last night."
"Okay. I'm gonna go get something at a fast food place…I'll bring back some doughnuts…or something." Then he left, quietly shutting the door behind him.
The quiet conversation and click of the door closing finally woke Julia. Though she didn't open her eyes right away, she knew that her husband and brother were there in the room with her. Irrational as she felt it was, she was almost afraid to open her eyes. She was terrified that she would open her eyes to find that alien staring down at her…and the thought of Tseng being forced to shoot Sephiroth again made her want to cry.
Iscariot: ....You fucking spineless little LEECH GOD HOW I HATE THIS FUCKING CHARACTER!
And that is exactly what happened. Even as she tried to get her emotions under control, tears began to drip down the sides of her face, slowly disappearing into her hair.
Suddenly, a woman burst through the door. She made a long, savage jump and landed on Julia Okokou's bed, where she started punching her in the face. "I warned you, didn't I, bitch?" she snarled inbetween punches.
Julia's spit was flying on the walls. The woman's fists were smeared with Julia's thick makeup. As Boytoy and the travesty of a character unjustly called Tseng were gaping at this unexpected development, a tall man stormed in and lunged at the angry woman.
"Lian, stop! You can't interfere!" he said, struggling to restrain the fierce woman. He used Julia's face to steady his foot as he pulled the small, screaming Lady Spork from the Mary Sue's bed. "I'm sending you to Costa del Sol" he told the outraged woman as he led her out the room, door closing behind him.
Sephiroth tightened his grip on her hand. "…Julia? Are you alright, most pathetic Angel of Cowardice?"
Finally she opened her eyes and looked over at her murderous, weak-willed husbando. Nodding, she whispered, "As long as you're here with me…I'll be fine."
Sephiroth smiled reassuringly. "I called Zack Asskisser…and he said that he could handle the army alone because he's already been doing it for months now, so I'll be here all day."
Iscariot: WHAT A GUY, THAT ZACK, DOING YOUR JOB FOR YOU. I guess what Slave meant by "writing him back into character" was "making Zack Sephiroth's ultimate buttmonkey."
Allowing her eyes to drift closed, she laughed. "God…I feel like hell…"
Lian Hua: So... quite at home?
"You look like it too." Reno grinned as he returned with a box of doughnuts and other random pastries. Sauntering into the room, he set the food down on the table and grabbed a doughnut that was covered in chocolate icing and sugar.
"Thanks, Reno." Despite her best efforts to sound annoyed, she appreciated the humor that the redhead brought with his presence.
Busily wolfing down the doughnut, he replied, "At your service, mindless puppet reporting for duty!" With half of the thing still hanging out of his mouth.
For a few brief hours, despite the circumstances, it was almost as though the chaos and fear that had been dominating their lives was forgotten. Using his God-given talent for screwing around, Reno successfully kept the other three laughing as he recounted the havoc he had caused so many years ago in high school.
"I still think that the most gratifying prank I ever pulled was the destruction of the football field." He grinned. "You two remember that, right?"
Iscariot: OH MY GOD. THEY ARE ACTUALLY REMINSICING ABOUT THIS SHIT. Just... WHAT? I MEAN, WHAT?
Lian Hua: *catatonic*
Iscariot: I mean, this is the lowest the characters have been at right about now. Sephiroth is being an arrogant selfish prick AND a whiney loser, Reno is beign a psychotic fucking TOOL who seems ready to kiss the ground Julia walks on for no reason, Julia is being a usesless, burdensome fucking PLOT DEVICE WITH NO LINES FOR SEVERAL CHAPTERS, and even Tseng is showing evil homicidal tendencies.
AND NOW THAT THEY'RE ALL THE WORST CHARACTERS THEY'VE EVER REALLY BEEN IN A FIC, THEY START FONDLY REMEMBERING THE MURDER AND DESTRUCTION THEY FUCKING COMMITTED IN HIGHSCHOOL FOR THE MOST PETTY REASONS.
Julia laughed. "I hear it's a legend at Shinra High."
Lian Hua: That's nothing compared to how legendary your demise will be in this spork.
"That was you three?" Tseng asked, staring between those that he had once called his students.
Iscariot: NO SHIT, NUMBSKULL. OR DID YOU SOMEHOW MISS THE PART WHERE RENO HAD A REPUTATION FOR ENGAGING IN DEADLY PRANKS?
"It was." Sephiroth admitted laughingly.
"You can't possibly blame us." She smiled. "Those bloody football players were a nuisance."
Iscariot: OHHH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
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Lian Hua: Where to even start?
The enmity between the football team and Sephiroth started when half of the team attacked Sephiroth, holding him responsible for Laura's suicide. Worth noting, however, is that not only did they not know that Laura had cheated on Sephiroth, but they also saw the guy hooking up with another girl a day after Laura died. Laura's suicide note had already painted Sephiroth in a very unflattering light, and him hooking up so soon after her death pretty much cemented the idea in their minds that Sephiroth was an uncaring asshole who made Laura suffer.
Even though Sephiroth and Julia beat and even killed some of them, Sephiroth still felt the need to exact further revenge... on the entire football team, even though only HALF of them had attacked him. The other half, who also got injured? COMPLETELY INNOCENT, as far as the text shows. On top of that, the explosives they used left craters in the football field, exploded in the stands and were strong enough to crack a fotball helmet. Since these games usually have at least some spectators, such as friends and family, those people also got hurt, either by the firecrackers and Molotov cocktails or trampled in the ensuing panic.
And not only are these characters laughing and fondly remembering the terror of the attack, but Julia handwaves this repugnant and barbaric action by saying that the fotball players (half of them innocent) were a nuisance.
Finally Tseng surrendered and laughed. "I suppose I should give you all credit. As you said, Julia, Reno will be a legend at that high school for years to come."
Smirking, Reno said, "Yet I do seem to recall being told that I would never amount to anything!"
Lian Hua: And if this were a well written story, whoever told him that would have been right.
"Well then, I'm afraid I'll have to retract that statement." The older Turk conceded.
At around noon, Sephiroth's PHS began to ring. Glancing at the caller ID, he answered, "This is General Sephiroth."
"Hey, Seph…" It was Zack's Asskisser's voice on the other end of the line. He sounded concerned…and even afraid.
"Zack Asskisser? Is something wrong?"
Bob: I heard some rumors. She's alive, isn't she?
"Well, the army is behaving, and President Shinra was more than understanding…"
"So why are you calling?"
There was a pause. "Seph,I think I screwed up.
Lian Hua: Here's a question: why the flying fucksquirrels is he calling him Seph? He has never called him Seph!!
Bob: Hey. Seph. Remember that glorious time I felt up your girlfriend and then beat the snot out of Julia? Those were the days, right Seph?
Lian Hua: Bless you, Bob.
I explained the situation to the President when he asked why you weren't coming to work. I told him what you told me…that Hojo was being a bastard, that he had hurt Julia badly enough to have her hospitalized…and he flipped. He's so pissed off at Hojo that he's put out a warrant to have the psycho locked up. So, that's the good news."
Lian Hua: Um...
Iscariot: You can't put out a warrant for that. You can put out a warrant for ARREST, and then through the legal system determine if a suspect is insane and then have them admitted to a mental hospital.
Lian Hua: Not just that... Hojo killing a baby, a Turk, a SOLDIER and turning nineteen other soldiers into traitors gets him a demotion.. but him hospitalizing Julia gets him thrown into the loony bin? This is the drop that filled the glass?
Iscariot: Come on Lian, we know by now that everyone's top priority in this fic is, and always will be, Julia.
Sephiroth took a deep breath. "And the bad news is…?"
"The bad news is that twenty First-Class SOLDIERS are dead…and, well…Hojo is blaming you for this…"
Lian Hua: MAXIMUM TROLLING.
Iscariot: But.. wait.. wat... I... FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF - IF HOJO, MOTHERFUCKING HOJO, COULD ELIMINATE 20 OF THE HIGHEST RANKED SOLDIERS OF SHINRA'S ELITE MILITARY FORCE SO EASILY, WHY THE FUCK HASN'T SHINRA FORCED HOJO TO RUN A FUCKING PROJECT WHERE HE MODIFIES OTHERS THE WAY HE MODIFIED HIMSELF? HE'S OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR TO EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING SHITFEST.
Lian Hua: Oh. Actually, there's a pretty good explanation. It's because OF FUCKING REASONS.
Zack Asskisser sighed. "He just left the Shinra Building…and I assume he's heading towards Midgar City Hospital as we speak."
Lian Hua: Ah, Midgar City Hospital. The doctors and nurses there did the following for Julia:
1. Saved her life after she was attacked by Hojo's dralions. They cared for her for a month.
2. Saved her life after she was savaged by Bob's gang.
3. Cared for her after Sephiroth's car crash (and of course saved his life, too).
4. Cared for her during and after Orion's birth.
In exchange, they got constant threats, verbal and physical abuse and humiliation from her, her husband and friends. Even after giving birth, instead of being grateful that she had such skilled doctors around her during those critical hours, she "was ready to kill the nurses" who were only trying to take care of her and threw such an ugly, threatening glare when the medical staff suggested she ride out in a wheelchair, that the highly trained medical professionals (who know better than her) became frightened.
But why do I expect her to show gratitude to the medics when she hasn't even thanked Reno, who willingly took a bullet for her a short while ago! That's right, neither she nor Sephiroth ever bothered to give this guy even the smallest thanks for shielding them with his body and practically defending them with his life.
I don't have words for how much I loathe and despise Julia and her cohorts. The entire diversity and richness of the English language fails to properly convey the levels of disgust which these characters evoke in me. There. Are. No. Words.
"Shit!" Sephiroth got to his feet. Zack Asskisser could hear him urgently telling Reno and Tseng that they had to get out of there.
"There's one more thing you should know…"
"What?"
"I heard Hojo mutter something as he stormed out of his labs… is it true that you made out with Rude?" When Sephiroth didn't ask what, he continued, "He said, "to hell with the little bitch…I think it is Alpha 1's turn to die!" and then he was gone."
Iscariot: Yes, please, let it end quickly for us and slowly and painfully for them!
"…perfect. That's just fucking perfect…" There was the sound of several slamming car doors. "Thanks for the warning, Zack Asskisser. I'll call you once I've figured out how HARD we're going to party!!! to get the hell out of this mess."
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Shaking, Lazard put down the manuscript. His men tried to tackle this alone? Madness. He took off his glasses and wiped his forehead. He had to mobilize his forces to search for the missing group. A guard let him know that the SOLDIERs are nowhere in sight and that there is not trace of them outside the bar.
"We need the Turks for this," sighed Lazard and pulled out his phone. "Veld'll never let me hear the end of it."
The guard didn't answer. Instead, he was looking up, his eyes widening and his face drained of color. He pointed a trembling finger up. The director raised his head and spat out a curse involving razor weeds. Above their heads, on the high ceiling, was a large gray spiderweb holding humanoid shapes wrapped up like cocoons. As he squinted towards the dimly lit ceiling, Lazard realized that the spiderweb was actually an intricate pattern made of duct tape. For a brief instant, he wondered what was the world coming to. Then he remembered he was in Juliaverse. With a heavy, weary sigh, he ordered his guards to bring down the prisoners.
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The first one to be brought down, one hour later, was Genesis. He woke up with a start as the last of the duct tape was yanked out of his hair. He glanced bleakly at the guards who were struggling to disentagle Tifa from the duct tape web, then looked over at Lazard.
"You're not helping us, you know," he groaned. "You might think you're helping us by doing this, but you're only adding more salt to our wounds."
"Get a hold of yourself, Rhapsodos. You've been through the Sue's wedding!"
"Why hasn't Shinra developed antisue vaccines yet, Lazard? This was agony."
"What happened here?"
"We tried. We tried so hard to follow the drinking game rules. But... the vile, conceited, self-righetous, narcissistic, sociopathic, murderous, ammoral, genocidal FILTH from this entire fanfiction seemed to accumulate into a singularity of pure depravity in this lone chapter that we all became enraged. Combined with the effects of alcohol..."
"You duct taped yourselves to the ceiling." If there was a way to facepalm without hands, Lazard had discovered it. His face said it all.
"...yes. We all tried bashing our heads against the counter, and when that failed, Angeal started saying something about cocoons and wings to fly to safety and it went downhill from there."
"I'm ashamed of you. You call yourselves SOLDIERS? Drinking yourself into a stupor over one foolish Sue?"
"But she's not just any Sue..." Genesis started.
"That may be true, but she's still a simple Sue. Think of the dangers you have already braved and overcome! Your perseverance when the forces of Wutai were knocking at the gates of Midgar-"
Angeal coughed a bit, muttering "Actually, we invaded them..."
"A TECHNICALITY. My point is, you have all faced far worse. How can you give up so easily?" Lazard asked, gesturing to all of those in the room. He turned to Angeal, who was feebly protesting the efforts to help him emerge.
"Angeal, isn't you honor as a SOLDIER what you pride yourself in most? What honor or sense is there in duct-taping yourself to the ceiling and trying to hide?"
"Uh... I was drunk. Still... kinda am..." Angeal replied heavily.
"And Genesis.... isn't it your goal to one day surpass Sephiroth as a hero of SOLDIER? What use is it if you give up now, and let Sephiroth best you like he has so many, many times before?"
"Well, seeing as I am conscious and he isn't, I'd say I've got one up on him this round. Also, do you really think it wise to push my buttons?"
Ignoring him, Lazard turned to the crumpled figure whose forehead was looking red and sore."Sephiroth. How could the great hero of the Wutai war let the fantasies of a little foolish girl upset him so?"
"Lazard, I already said he's UNCONSCIOUS-"
"You're all brave men!"
"HEY!" Tifa shouted as she supported herself between two 3rd Class SOLDIERs.
"You can either sit and wallow in your misery, or rally yourselves and-"
"Have another drink," Genesis interrupted, grabbing a bottle of liqour and beginning to pour into a few shot glasses.
"Wh- No, you can -"
"Director, just shut up and drink with us," Genesis said, untying the bartender's bow around his neck and handing Lazard a shot glass. "We have three more chapters to go."
Chapter 108.) - in which it's game over
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Lazard Deusericus is baffled. The bar is empty. The floor is littered with broken glass, the walls have been splashed with alcohol. There is a small fire in the kitchen sink. The countertop has four similar indentations in it, as if someone had smashed the surface with a sledgehammer. If the light is right, a very fine silver hair can be found caught in the splinters.
"What the hell happened here?"
When his three top SOLDIERs did not answer their phones, he had feared the worst and came down to the bar where they usually sporked from, only to find it in disarray. After ordering his guards to put out the fire, he begins looking around the room, trying to find a clue to his men's whereabouts. A much abused manuscript peeking from underneath a fallen bar stool catches his eye. He picks it up and begins reading it.
It wasn't long before Tseng had cornered a doctor. Being the mellowest of the three, he was now giving this doctor the verbal lashing of his lifetime. "I've tired to explain this in a gentlemanly manner!"
Lian Hua: WHEN?
He growled angrily. "I have been polite, and I've been as understanding as is humanly possible…
Lian Hua: When, you assbrain? When you allowed Reno to verbally abuse and threaten to kill a nurse?
Iscariot: We don't get to see any of these polite requests. Just because he says they happened off-scene means nothing. All we see is Tseng and Reno being ultradouchebags! And as Tseng is Reno's superior, the fact that he is commending and encouraging this behavior makes him just as guilty.
but now you all have thoroughly pissed me off. Now, if you would be so kind, tell us what room my little sister is recovering in!"
Nurse Wallace: Take the elevator to hell and ask for the Devil's bedroom.
Just as the doctor opened his mouth to protest, Reno cut in. "You have two choices ass wipe. Either you tell us what we want to know, or you have your balls torn off and shoved down your throat!"
"Sirs, Mrs. Okokou really isn't up to having visitors right now!" The doctor whimpered. "I'm only trying to protect our patient…"
"God…you really are dumb as dog shit. We want her to die!"
Iscariot: HEY, FUCKTARD. REMEMBER HOW YOU NEVER FINISHED HIGHSCHOOL AND GOT HELD BACK FOR LIKE WHAT, FOUR YEARS RUNNING? TO EVEN HAVE A PHD, THIS DOCTOR HAD TO ATTEND OVER SEVEN YEARS OF FUCKING COLLEGE, WHY DON'T YOU GO SUCK SOME DICKS OR WHATEVER YOU HORRIBLE USELESS CHARACTERS DO!
Reno grumbled. "I would bet any amount of money that if she's conscious…she's been demanding to see her husbando…"
Iscariot: You know what I don't get? They aren't even asking for much. Sephiroth is her husband, he wants to know if she's doing okay and what room she is in. This time, unlike the instance with the car accident, there's no real reason why they would be completely ignoring him. Even if they couldn't let him see her, they'd politely explain that she is in critical condition / the doctors are working overtime to save her life / she is in a delicate state where receiving visitors may cause a risk to her health. SOMETHING. All of this nonsense with the staff ignoring Sephiroth - and getting abused in consequence - is being played up for cheap, POINTLESS drama.
Lian Hua: It is important to let someone recover and not bring germs into the sterilized, carefully monitorized environment in which the patient is resting in. She's lost a ton of blood, meaning that her immune system is very weak right now.
Iscariot: You know what? They really should just let these fuckers in to spread their germs everywhere. Then the poor abused staff can laugh as Julia FUCKING DIES. Then they can be like, "We TOLD you not to go in there for this very purpose. If you had LISTENED TO US this wouldn't have happened." Then Sephiroth can get all depressed because it's his fault and kill himself. BEST ENDING EVAR.
Lian Hua: This doctor is awesome though, because he's true to Hippocrates' oath. He is a good doctor through and through. Doing his job, protecting Julia and facing off against these authority abusing troglodytes who are so stupid, ignorant and arrogant that they don't realize the doctors have a very solid reasoning behind their decision.
As Reno paused to take a breath, Sephiroth, sick of this banter, strode forward, grabbed the doctor's lab coat, hoisted him into the air, and slammed him into the wall.
Lian Hua: Isn't it odd that a man who lost so much blood that he nearly died just hours before would have so much strength left in him? If Reno's Full Cure spell restored him so well, why did Julia need a blood tranfusion at all?
"Listen up, God damn you! If you don't tell me which room my wife is in, I'm going to fucking mutilate you and leave you here to die…slowly…" There was an insane light gleaming in his eyes, leaving no one there any doubt that he meant exactly what he said.
Iscariot: Our hero, everyone. The apple of Julia's eye, the love of her life, her ideal man. Assaulting a doctor who was just doing his job and trying to save Julia's life, even if she does not deserve it. What was that about Jenova controlling Sephiroth? The way Slave wrote him, the burning of Nibelheim was just child's play. Nibelheim was just him having a bad hair day. Nibelheim was this phlegm stain getting pissed because someone got his McDonald's order wrong!
GODS! I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I HATE HER INTERPRETATION OF HIS CHARACTER. It's shallow, pointless, homicidal and even more void of morality than Sephiroth in the game AFTER HE WENT INSANE.
Lian Hua: In all seriousness, I want to punch the character through the screen.
By now, the doctor was absolutely terrified. He decided that he would rather contend with Satan himself than deal with these three Shinra executives any longer.
Lian Hua: Only Sephiroth is an executive.
"She's…she's down in 209…" he squeaked.
Sephiroth roughly dropped the doctor and turned on his heel, heading for the elevators without a backward glance.
Looking contemptuously down at the sniveling man, Reno the Future Wifebeater promptly left, following Sephiroth and Tseng to the elevators to descend one level to the two-hundreds wing. Just outside room 209, he watched Sephiroth pause and collect himself before opening the door and disappearing into the room.
Standing just outside the room, Tseng gestured for Reno to wait with him.
He wasn't entirely surprised to find her asleep. It was ridiculously late…and no one in their right mind would be awake without a damn good reason.
Iscariot: Such as the doctors at this hospital. Who work 14 HOUR SHIFTS. TO SAVE LIVES. INCLUDING JULIA'S. YOU MOTHERFUCKINDFKSHKDSFDS
Quietly pulling the single chair in the room over to her bedside, he sat down and gently took her hand in his.
Their two Turk bodyguards had finally made their way into the room, and now Tseng stood leaning against the wall while Reno had flopped down onto the floor, buried his face in his hands, and had presumably fallen asleep.
Iscariot: I'm trying to imagine this and it sounds STUPID. What kind of position is that??
Lian Hua: Slave let the puppet strings loose.
As six in the morning came and went, Sephiroth pulled out his PHS and stepped outside the room to dial the number for Zack's room in the barracks.
Lian Hua: Mmmm, no. The Sue may have assimilated Bob much like the Borg, but this still doesn't make this character Zack. I think I'll dub him Asskisser.
"Zack Asskisser speaking…"
"Good morning, Zack Asskisser." Sephiroth began, forcing himself to sound normal. "I (really don't) hate to do this to you…but thanks to the perpetual chaos that Hojo causes…I don't think I'm going to make it in today.
Bob (suddenly revived by Lian's nostalgia): Big surprise. You missed work yesterday as well, remember?
Basically, I'm calling to tell you that you're in charge today. If I'm not mistaken, you do know what to do…right?"
Bob: Of course I do. I'm the one who had to fill in for you for months now. Do you still know what to do if you ever come back to work?
Lian Hua: *sigh* I miss Bob.
"Is everything okay?" Zack Asskisser asked, actual concern tingeing his tone.
Lian Hua: Oh là là, this is such believable character development. It's not like he hated Sephiroth's guts for 150 chapters and almost a). murdered Julia once b). caused her to kill herself another time. Asskisser had no respect for neither Boytoy or his waifu.
Iscariot: Ironic that, despite Slave's irrational, unexplained hatred for Zack, she still unintentionally makes him the most awesome thing in her fics. Too bad she had to go and ruin that characterization, too.
Lian Hua: Bob hated and resented them and he was right - they were fucking assholes! They also indirectly screwed over his military career by sending him to Awaniko instead of the capital, denying him the chance to prove himself in battle. And now that the Wet Cardboarder Korokou is gone, he's being brainwashed into submissiveness by the author.
"…No. Hojo, this wonderful man, has been off on a hell-bent rampage trying to kill Julia." He sighed. "She's in the hospital recovering…and that's why I'm not going to be in today."
Bob: I see. Well, good luck with finishing the job. Bring me an ear or something.
"I should have guessed that son of a bitch was up to something like that. He's been babbling about terminating useless experiments for days…I should have assumed he meant us." After a pause, he said, "Don't worry about it, Seph. I'll take care of everything. I'll also make sure the President knows that you have been missing work and concealed vital information from him."
"Thank you, Zack Asskisser." Then he hung up and returned to his seat.
If it weren't for years of waking up at the same time every day, Reno was convinced that he could have easily slept through the next week.
Lian Hua: Remember how he slept all morning in his tent during the Wutai war and how Julia had to drive there to wake him up?
As it was, he stretched, and stood. "Are you two hungry?" He asked.
Tseng nodded. "We did skip dinner last night."
"Okay. I'm gonna go get something at a fast food place…I'll bring back some doughnuts…or something." Then he left, quietly shutting the door behind him.
The quiet conversation and click of the door closing finally woke Julia. Though she didn't open her eyes right away, she knew that her husband and brother were there in the room with her. Irrational as she felt it was, she was almost afraid to open her eyes. She was terrified that she would open her eyes to find that alien staring down at her…and the thought of Tseng being forced to shoot Sephiroth again made her want to cry.
Iscariot: ....You fucking spineless little LEECH GOD HOW I HATE THIS FUCKING CHARACTER!
And that is exactly what happened. Even as she tried to get her emotions under control, tears began to drip down the sides of her face, slowly disappearing into her hair.
Suddenly, a woman burst through the door. She made a long, savage jump and landed on Julia Okokou's bed, where she started punching her in the face. "I warned you, didn't I, bitch?" she snarled inbetween punches.
Julia's spit was flying on the walls. The woman's fists were smeared with Julia's thick makeup. As Boytoy and the travesty of a character unjustly called Tseng were gaping at this unexpected development, a tall man stormed in and lunged at the angry woman.
"Lian, stop! You can't interfere!" he said, struggling to restrain the fierce woman. He used Julia's face to steady his foot as he pulled the small, screaming Lady Spork from the Mary Sue's bed. "I'm sending you to Costa del Sol" he told the outraged woman as he led her out the room, door closing behind him.
Sephiroth tightened his grip on her hand. "…Julia? Are you alright, most pathetic Angel of Cowardice?"
Finally she opened her eyes and looked over at her murderous, weak-willed husbando. Nodding, she whispered, "As long as you're here with me…I'll be fine."
Sephiroth smiled reassuringly. "I called Zack Asskisser…and he said that he could handle the army alone because he's already been doing it for months now, so I'll be here all day."
Iscariot: WHAT A GUY, THAT ZACK, DOING YOUR JOB FOR YOU. I guess what Slave meant by "writing him back into character" was "making Zack Sephiroth's ultimate buttmonkey."
Allowing her eyes to drift closed, she laughed. "God…I feel like hell…"
Lian Hua: So... quite at home?
"You look like it too." Reno grinned as he returned with a box of doughnuts and other random pastries. Sauntering into the room, he set the food down on the table and grabbed a doughnut that was covered in chocolate icing and sugar.
"Thanks, Reno." Despite her best efforts to sound annoyed, she appreciated the humor that the redhead brought with his presence.
Busily wolfing down the doughnut, he replied, "At your service, mindless puppet reporting for duty!" With half of the thing still hanging out of his mouth.
For a few brief hours, despite the circumstances, it was almost as though the chaos and fear that had been dominating their lives was forgotten. Using his God-given talent for screwing around, Reno successfully kept the other three laughing as he recounted the havoc he had caused so many years ago in high school.
"I still think that the most gratifying prank I ever pulled was the destruction of the football field." He grinned. "You two remember that, right?"
Iscariot: OH MY GOD. THEY ARE ACTUALLY REMINSICING ABOUT THIS SHIT. Just... WHAT? I MEAN, WHAT?
Lian Hua: *catatonic*
Iscariot: I mean, this is the lowest the characters have been at right about now. Sephiroth is being an arrogant selfish prick AND a whiney loser, Reno is beign a psychotic fucking TOOL who seems ready to kiss the ground Julia walks on for no reason, Julia is being a usesless, burdensome fucking PLOT DEVICE WITH NO LINES FOR SEVERAL CHAPTERS, and even Tseng is showing evil homicidal tendencies.
AND NOW THAT THEY'RE ALL THE WORST CHARACTERS THEY'VE EVER REALLY BEEN IN A FIC, THEY START FONDLY REMEMBERING THE MURDER AND DESTRUCTION THEY FUCKING COMMITTED IN HIGHSCHOOL FOR THE MOST PETTY REASONS.
Julia laughed. "I hear it's a legend at Shinra High."
Lian Hua: That's nothing compared to how legendary your demise will be in this spork.
"That was you three?" Tseng asked, staring between those that he had once called his students.
Iscariot: NO SHIT, NUMBSKULL. OR DID YOU SOMEHOW MISS THE PART WHERE RENO HAD A REPUTATION FOR ENGAGING IN DEADLY PRANKS?
"It was." Sephiroth admitted laughingly.
"You can't possibly blame us." She smiled. "Those bloody football players were a nuisance."
Iscariot: OHHH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
*
Lian Hua: Where to even start?
The enmity between the football team and Sephiroth started when half of the team attacked Sephiroth, holding him responsible for Laura's suicide. Worth noting, however, is that not only did they not know that Laura had cheated on Sephiroth, but they also saw the guy hooking up with another girl a day after Laura died. Laura's suicide note had already painted Sephiroth in a very unflattering light, and him hooking up so soon after her death pretty much cemented the idea in their minds that Sephiroth was an uncaring asshole who made Laura suffer.
Even though Sephiroth and Julia beat and even killed some of them, Sephiroth still felt the need to exact further revenge... on the entire football team, even though only HALF of them had attacked him. The other half, who also got injured? COMPLETELY INNOCENT, as far as the text shows. On top of that, the explosives they used left craters in the football field, exploded in the stands and were strong enough to crack a fotball helmet. Since these games usually have at least some spectators, such as friends and family, those people also got hurt, either by the firecrackers and Molotov cocktails or trampled in the ensuing panic.
And not only are these characters laughing and fondly remembering the terror of the attack, but Julia handwaves this repugnant and barbaric action by saying that the fotball players (half of them innocent) were a nuisance.
Finally Tseng surrendered and laughed. "I suppose I should give you all credit. As you said, Julia, Reno will be a legend at that high school for years to come."
Smirking, Reno said, "Yet I do seem to recall being told that I would never amount to anything!"
Lian Hua: And if this were a well written story, whoever told him that would have been right.
"Well then, I'm afraid I'll have to retract that statement." The older Turk conceded.
At around noon, Sephiroth's PHS began to ring. Glancing at the caller ID, he answered, "This is General Sephiroth."
"Hey, Seph…" It was Zack's Asskisser's voice on the other end of the line. He sounded concerned…and even afraid.
"Zack Asskisser? Is something wrong?"
Bob: I heard some rumors. She's alive, isn't she?
"Well, the army is behaving, and President Shinra was more than understanding…"
"So why are you calling?"
There was a pause. "Seph,I think I screwed up.
Lian Hua: Here's a question: why the flying fucksquirrels is he calling him Seph? He has never called him Seph!!
Bob: Hey. Seph. Remember that glorious time I felt up your girlfriend and then beat the snot out of Julia? Those were the days, right Seph?
Lian Hua: Bless you, Bob.
I explained the situation to the President when he asked why you weren't coming to work. I told him what you told me…that Hojo was being a bastard, that he had hurt Julia badly enough to have her hospitalized…and he flipped. He's so pissed off at Hojo that he's put out a warrant to have the psycho locked up. So, that's the good news."
Lian Hua: Um...
Iscariot: You can't put out a warrant for that. You can put out a warrant for ARREST, and then through the legal system determine if a suspect is insane and then have them admitted to a mental hospital.
Lian Hua: Not just that... Hojo killing a baby, a Turk, a SOLDIER and turning nineteen other soldiers into traitors gets him a demotion.. but him hospitalizing Julia gets him thrown into the loony bin? This is the drop that filled the glass?
Iscariot: Come on Lian, we know by now that everyone's top priority in this fic is, and always will be, Julia.
Sephiroth took a deep breath. "And the bad news is…?"
"The bad news is that twenty First-Class SOLDIERS are dead…and, well…Hojo is blaming you for this…"
Lian Hua: MAXIMUM TROLLING.
Iscariot: But.. wait.. wat... I... FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF - IF HOJO, MOTHERFUCKING HOJO, COULD ELIMINATE 20 OF THE HIGHEST RANKED SOLDIERS OF SHINRA'S ELITE MILITARY FORCE SO EASILY, WHY THE FUCK HASN'T SHINRA FORCED HOJO TO RUN A FUCKING PROJECT WHERE HE MODIFIES OTHERS THE WAY HE MODIFIED HIMSELF? HE'S OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR TO EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING SHITFEST.
Lian Hua: Oh. Actually, there's a pretty good explanation. It's because OF FUCKING REASONS.
Zack Asskisser sighed. "He just left the Shinra Building…and I assume he's heading towards Midgar City Hospital as we speak."
Lian Hua: Ah, Midgar City Hospital. The doctors and nurses there did the following for Julia:
1. Saved her life after she was attacked by Hojo's dralions. They cared for her for a month.
2. Saved her life after she was savaged by Bob's gang.
3. Cared for her after Sephiroth's car crash (and of course saved his life, too).
4. Cared for her during and after Orion's birth.
In exchange, they got constant threats, verbal and physical abuse and humiliation from her, her husband and friends. Even after giving birth, instead of being grateful that she had such skilled doctors around her during those critical hours, she "was ready to kill the nurses" who were only trying to take care of her and threw such an ugly, threatening glare when the medical staff suggested she ride out in a wheelchair, that the highly trained medical professionals (who know better than her) became frightened.
But why do I expect her to show gratitude to the medics when she hasn't even thanked Reno, who willingly took a bullet for her a short while ago! That's right, neither she nor Sephiroth ever bothered to give this guy even the smallest thanks for shielding them with his body and practically defending them with his life.
I don't have words for how much I loathe and despise Julia and her cohorts. The entire diversity and richness of the English language fails to properly convey the levels of disgust which these characters evoke in me. There. Are. No. Words.
"Shit!" Sephiroth got to his feet. Zack Asskisser could hear him urgently telling Reno and Tseng that they had to get out of there.
"There's one more thing you should know…"
"What?"
"I heard Hojo mutter something as he stormed out of his labs… is it true that you made out with Rude?" When Sephiroth didn't ask what, he continued, "He said, "to hell with the little bitch…I think it is Alpha 1's turn to die!" and then he was gone."
Iscariot: Yes, please, let it end quickly for us and slowly and painfully for them!
"…perfect. That's just fucking perfect…" There was the sound of several slamming car doors. "Thanks for the warning, Zack Asskisser. I'll call you once I've figured out how HARD we're going to party!!! to get the hell out of this mess."
*
*
*
Shaking, Lazard put down the manuscript. His men tried to tackle this alone? Madness. He took off his glasses and wiped his forehead. He had to mobilize his forces to search for the missing group. A guard let him know that the SOLDIERs are nowhere in sight and that there is not trace of them outside the bar.
"We need the Turks for this," sighed Lazard and pulled out his phone. "Veld'll never let me hear the end of it."
The guard didn't answer. Instead, he was looking up, his eyes widening and his face drained of color. He pointed a trembling finger up. The director raised his head and spat out a curse involving razor weeds. Above their heads, on the high ceiling, was a large gray spiderweb holding humanoid shapes wrapped up like cocoons. As he squinted towards the dimly lit ceiling, Lazard realized that the spiderweb was actually an intricate pattern made of duct tape. For a brief instant, he wondered what was the world coming to. Then he remembered he was in Juliaverse. With a heavy, weary sigh, he ordered his guards to bring down the prisoners.
***
The first one to be brought down, one hour later, was Genesis. He woke up with a start as the last of the duct tape was yanked out of his hair. He glanced bleakly at the guards who were struggling to disentagle Tifa from the duct tape web, then looked over at Lazard.
"You're not helping us, you know," he groaned. "You might think you're helping us by doing this, but you're only adding more salt to our wounds."
"Get a hold of yourself, Rhapsodos. You've been through the Sue's wedding!"
"Why hasn't Shinra developed antisue vaccines yet, Lazard? This was agony."
"What happened here?"
"We tried. We tried so hard to follow the drinking game rules. But... the vile, conceited, self-righetous, narcissistic, sociopathic, murderous, ammoral, genocidal FILTH from this entire fanfiction seemed to accumulate into a singularity of pure depravity in this lone chapter that we all became enraged. Combined with the effects of alcohol..."
"You duct taped yourselves to the ceiling." If there was a way to facepalm without hands, Lazard had discovered it. His face said it all.
"...yes. We all tried bashing our heads against the counter, and when that failed, Angeal started saying something about cocoons and wings to fly to safety and it went downhill from there."
"I'm ashamed of you. You call yourselves SOLDIERS? Drinking yourself into a stupor over one foolish Sue?"
"But she's not just any Sue..." Genesis started.
"That may be true, but she's still a simple Sue. Think of the dangers you have already braved and overcome! Your perseverance when the forces of Wutai were knocking at the gates of Midgar-"
Angeal coughed a bit, muttering "Actually, we invaded them..."
"A TECHNICALITY. My point is, you have all faced far worse. How can you give up so easily?" Lazard asked, gesturing to all of those in the room. He turned to Angeal, who was feebly protesting the efforts to help him emerge.
"Angeal, isn't you honor as a SOLDIER what you pride yourself in most? What honor or sense is there in duct-taping yourself to the ceiling and trying to hide?"
"Uh... I was drunk. Still... kinda am..." Angeal replied heavily.
"And Genesis.... isn't it your goal to one day surpass Sephiroth as a hero of SOLDIER? What use is it if you give up now, and let Sephiroth best you like he has so many, many times before?"
"Well, seeing as I am conscious and he isn't, I'd say I've got one up on him this round. Also, do you really think it wise to push my buttons?"
Ignoring him, Lazard turned to the crumpled figure whose forehead was looking red and sore."Sephiroth. How could the great hero of the Wutai war let the fantasies of a little foolish girl upset him so?"
"Lazard, I already said he's UNCONSCIOUS-"
"You're all brave men!"
"HEY!" Tifa shouted as she supported herself between two 3rd Class SOLDIERs.
"You can either sit and wallow in your misery, or rally yourselves and-"
"Have another drink," Genesis interrupted, grabbing a bottle of liqour and beginning to pour into a few shot glasses.
"Wh- No, you can -"
"Director, just shut up and drink with us," Genesis said, untying the bartender's bow around his neck and handing Lazard a shot glass. "We have three more chapters to go."