The long awaited update
So, I'm currently wading through the bullshit that is my most recent failed relationship and I decided that its finally time to figure out what went wrong. Not with this relationship in particular, but all of them. After pondering this question for about 2 months, I came to the inescapable conclusion that I am self destructive.
This is where I explain.
You see, I date guys that I don't like. As fucked up as that statement is, its entirely logical if you look at things from my perspective.
My career demands a lot of me. It's a strain on any other relationship in my life. Each show is a new relationship, and its an abusive relationship. Each new show walks in my door and its exciting and promising. Each one looks different and acts different and has its own distinct personality. During the build, we dance our dance and we're shy and not too demanding, but the closer we get to tech week we push and hurt each other and there are no apologies. Come tech week, the show decides its going to get everything it wants and there's nothing I can do to stop it. So, it beats the shit out of me for several days or weeks and I always say, "that's it. never again." But then the door opens and the next one walks in and looks at me and says, "I'm not like him. It'll be different with me, just give me a chance." So, I stupidly say, "Ok, maybe this time it will be different..."
Wow, that was a long tangent and all I really meant to say was my career puts a strain on my other relationships because it is the ever-present other man in my life that my current boyfriend not only has to accept, but clean up after as well.
Next Point.
My career also facilitates my vagabond tendencies. I don't get into serious relationships because there's always a deadline. It might be definite or hazy, but we both know its there. Its easier to just say goodbye if I'm not emotionally tangled with the guy. I move twice a year. Even if I was to get involved with someone I really cared about, there's not time to build a good, solid foundation that could last the distance. Even if I did have a solid foundation, I couldn't handle it. I am, as my most recent ex (*cough*- asshole* excuse me, something in my throat) likes to point out as one of the downfalls of our relationship, I'm a physical person. I touch.
I need physical contact with the people I care about. It calms me down, it comforts me. Most of my friends have experienced this at some point. If I'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable, I'll find a friend or boyfriend and hug them or put my head on their shoulder or something to let me know that even in this uncomfortable place, this is someone who cares about me and I'm not alone. I don't think I could handle not being able to touch the one I love merely because of distance. Of course the fact that I date guys I don't like probably heightens the need for physical contact because I'm trying to convince myself I'm not alone because he's there, but the emotional bonds aren't so I'm never satisfied.
OK. tangent #1 theatre, tangent #2 touching.
So, I date guys that I don't like because 1. they're going to leave me because my job is demanding, but I have such a strong need for independence that I could never give up my career for a guy. 2. Even if they don't leave me because of my job or multiple other reasons (I could write a book on why people shouldn't date me) I will eventually leave them for my job or multiple other reasons (many of which I would probably invent).
Now, don't think that I never date guys I like. Usually if I like a guy I won't act on it, but sometimes they take the first step, so I have dated several guys that I really liked, maybe even loved, but I get into these relationships with guys I like and all I can see is how awesome they are and how flawed I am. It becomes obvious to me that eventually they're going to see all of my flaws and insecurities and leave me, so I always leave them first because it hurts less to reject than to be rejected. They deserve better than me anyway and they'd figure that out eventually. Now, you may be thinking that I'm being hard on myself, but is it that, or am I just being realistic? I mean, who better to take stock of my qualities than me?
So, its an endless, vicious cycle that I created and control and I know will bring me nothing but pain and loneliness, but what do I do now that I admitted it publicly? Maybe I'll just think on it for another couple of months.
Of course we all know I'll think about it until the next tapioca boy comes along to take up the role of distraction for a month.
This is where I explain.
You see, I date guys that I don't like. As fucked up as that statement is, its entirely logical if you look at things from my perspective.
My career demands a lot of me. It's a strain on any other relationship in my life. Each show is a new relationship, and its an abusive relationship. Each new show walks in my door and its exciting and promising. Each one looks different and acts different and has its own distinct personality. During the build, we dance our dance and we're shy and not too demanding, but the closer we get to tech week we push and hurt each other and there are no apologies. Come tech week, the show decides its going to get everything it wants and there's nothing I can do to stop it. So, it beats the shit out of me for several days or weeks and I always say, "that's it. never again." But then the door opens and the next one walks in and looks at me and says, "I'm not like him. It'll be different with me, just give me a chance." So, I stupidly say, "Ok, maybe this time it will be different..."
Wow, that was a long tangent and all I really meant to say was my career puts a strain on my other relationships because it is the ever-present other man in my life that my current boyfriend not only has to accept, but clean up after as well.
Next Point.
My career also facilitates my vagabond tendencies. I don't get into serious relationships because there's always a deadline. It might be definite or hazy, but we both know its there. Its easier to just say goodbye if I'm not emotionally tangled with the guy. I move twice a year. Even if I was to get involved with someone I really cared about, there's not time to build a good, solid foundation that could last the distance. Even if I did have a solid foundation, I couldn't handle it. I am, as my most recent ex (*cough*- asshole* excuse me, something in my throat) likes to point out as one of the downfalls of our relationship, I'm a physical person. I touch.
I need physical contact with the people I care about. It calms me down, it comforts me. Most of my friends have experienced this at some point. If I'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable, I'll find a friend or boyfriend and hug them or put my head on their shoulder or something to let me know that even in this uncomfortable place, this is someone who cares about me and I'm not alone. I don't think I could handle not being able to touch the one I love merely because of distance. Of course the fact that I date guys I don't like probably heightens the need for physical contact because I'm trying to convince myself I'm not alone because he's there, but the emotional bonds aren't so I'm never satisfied.
OK. tangent #1 theatre, tangent #2 touching.
So, I date guys that I don't like because 1. they're going to leave me because my job is demanding, but I have such a strong need for independence that I could never give up my career for a guy. 2. Even if they don't leave me because of my job or multiple other reasons (I could write a book on why people shouldn't date me) I will eventually leave them for my job or multiple other reasons (many of which I would probably invent).
Now, don't think that I never date guys I like. Usually if I like a guy I won't act on it, but sometimes they take the first step, so I have dated several guys that I really liked, maybe even loved, but I get into these relationships with guys I like and all I can see is how awesome they are and how flawed I am. It becomes obvious to me that eventually they're going to see all of my flaws and insecurities and leave me, so I always leave them first because it hurts less to reject than to be rejected. They deserve better than me anyway and they'd figure that out eventually. Now, you may be thinking that I'm being hard on myself, but is it that, or am I just being realistic? I mean, who better to take stock of my qualities than me?
So, its an endless, vicious cycle that I created and control and I know will bring me nothing but pain and loneliness, but what do I do now that I admitted it publicly? Maybe I'll just think on it for another couple of months.
Of course we all know I'll think about it until the next tapioca boy comes along to take up the role of distraction for a month.