Taking the first step...
Ummmm this is a very personal entry for me, because its going to be massivly blunt, and a bit graphic or triggering i gues.... i dunno which...maybe both...
My life has been an emotional and mental roller coaster as of late, and its becoming harder and harder to handle. The first of which is something a bunch of you might not take seriously or might not know of... My eating disorder....
fast.....fast.....fast....binge......fast....binge....binge...purge......fast....fast.....binge....purge.....fast.....binge.....fast......fast.....fast......fast.......fast.......binge........binge......bibge.....binge.......purge....
that is how my life has been the past 2 or 3 years. it started out as anorexia. I got totally emaciated (i was 5'5 and barely 100 pounds at one point) then i slowly started to binge eat (eating alot), then felt guilty and fasted then ended up binging again. That lasted about 9 months to a year..... then about a month or two ago i started purging (making myself throw up after i eat) every now and then. I'm just in this downword cycle and i don't know how to get out... i cry myself to sleep at night, hell i cry during the fucking day about it. I just don't know what to do and i can't go to the hospital again, my parents can't afford this shit (i've been to the hospital 3 times for suicide and cutting) i don't really wanna go to the hospital.... i hate it there. I'm so sick of this shit and living my life this way. People think that this is something you can just up and go "hey i don't wanna have an ED anymore!" and Boom! it goes out the window and is gone.... sorry i wish it were but its not. And this whole problem has made me relapse into another downward spiral of Self injury. I just can't keep a hold on anything i try to control anymore. I used to be able to do it but it all just fell apart. And as much as i hate to admit it my whole thing with Gonzo still phases me a fuck of alot more than it would most other people... i think of him at least once a day... but i don't know if i could ever go back to him... i just miss him... I laid back in my bed the other day and thought about everthing we planned on.... moving to england together....being together forever...and a bunch of that shit....i can't believe i actually tought we would last... i dunno
well that was just something on my mind..... on a better note i got my lip pierced on monday YAY! i'm such a happy person.... i'll post pics later
Later days
~Shane aka Maris
My life has been an emotional and mental roller coaster as of late, and its becoming harder and harder to handle. The first of which is something a bunch of you might not take seriously or might not know of... My eating disorder....
fast.....fast.....fast....binge......fast....binge....binge...purge......fast....fast.....binge....purge.....fast.....binge.....fast......fast.....fast......fast.......fast.......binge........binge......bibge.....binge.......purge....
that is how my life has been the past 2 or 3 years. it started out as anorexia. I got totally emaciated (i was 5'5 and barely 100 pounds at one point) then i slowly started to binge eat (eating alot), then felt guilty and fasted then ended up binging again. That lasted about 9 months to a year..... then about a month or two ago i started purging (making myself throw up after i eat) every now and then. I'm just in this downword cycle and i don't know how to get out... i cry myself to sleep at night, hell i cry during the fucking day about it. I just don't know what to do and i can't go to the hospital again, my parents can't afford this shit (i've been to the hospital 3 times for suicide and cutting) i don't really wanna go to the hospital.... i hate it there. I'm so sick of this shit and living my life this way. People think that this is something you can just up and go "hey i don't wanna have an ED anymore!" and Boom! it goes out the window and is gone.... sorry i wish it were but its not. And this whole problem has made me relapse into another downward spiral of Self injury. I just can't keep a hold on anything i try to control anymore. I used to be able to do it but it all just fell apart. And as much as i hate to admit it my whole thing with Gonzo still phases me a fuck of alot more than it would most other people... i think of him at least once a day... but i don't know if i could ever go back to him... i just miss him... I laid back in my bed the other day and thought about everthing we planned on.... moving to england together....being together forever...and a bunch of that shit....i can't believe i actually tought we would last... i dunno
well that was just something on my mind..... on a better note i got my lip pierced on monday YAY! i'm such a happy person.... i'll post pics later
Later days
~Shane aka Maris