Pearls Before Swine
In a message dated 5/30/2006 10:49:43 PM Pacific Standard Time, lmoses1098@aol.com writes:
I think this was a time where the good things I see God doing in me and
through me should not be shared because they would be trampled on and crapped
on by people who are blinded by their narrow thinking. And yes, my folks are
"born again Christians".
Do you agree or disagree?
Reply:
So you think of your parents as "swine?" That they have "narrow thinking?" Maybe they do, I have no way of knowing. But let me give you a parent's view of their gay child; maybe it will resonate and allow you to understand them better. Maybe it won't apply to you at all...
Let me preface this by saying I was a counselor to gays (not specifically, but in San Francisco its hard not to specialize) in the 70s and 80s. I worked with AIDS patients when it was still considered a 'gay' disease. I wrote grants and worked for the Lesbian and Gay Center in Los Angeles. I grew up around gays. I lobbied for gay civil rights for years. What I have to say stems from my observations and experience, not from bigotry.
Most gays know they are gay long before coming out. They've worked through their denial, anger, fear, bargaining etc, through to acceptance, and for most, embracement of their homosexuality. Then they tell their parents.
Some parents will be proud that their child trusts them enough with this revelation, others will be horrified. All will have their world's shaken no matter what their views on homosexuality are. This is not a case of NIMBY, not in my back yard.
When their child tells them this secret, the parent's world view has changed. They've entered a parallel universe, where things appear the same but aren't. They realize they don't know their child the way they think they did. The child they've known and loved and nurtured all these years is suddenly gone and a changeling has taken their place. They act differently, look differently, wear different clothes, have different interests, almost speak a different language as they become more and more immersed in gay culture. And don't kid yourself that there isn't a gay culture...despite the differences in race, creeds, income, geography, education, personalities, there are still commonalties amongst gay people, despite the differences in gay lifestyles. The parents feel a stranger has suddenly taken their child's place and they are locked out by virtue of not being gay. This shaken reality is not limited to sexuality. It can happen if a child becomes disabled, becomes a different faith, etc. Anything that upsets the parent's reality of their view of their child will provoke the same reaction.
The gay child seems to expect instant acceptance, even as they are fearing rejection. This is most unfair. The child has lived with, learned about, maybe even had counseling for, their gayness for far longer than the parents...months, maybe years. But the parent is expected to absorb, accept and embrace their new child instantly. This is impossible even for the most accepting of parents. They need the same amount of time, maybe more, as the child has had. Seldom do they get that time.
The parent needs time to mourn the seeming death of their old child, as much as they still love the new one. All their hopes, dreams, expectations for their child are gone. They have to create a new reality with their new child within it. The parent goes through the same stages of grief as any parent of a lost child would do...denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, etc. They are effectively told their old child is dead, but here's a different one that's not the same but just as good. As any parent of more than one child will tell you, all the children are just as good as each other, but they wouldn't trade one for the other, they wouldn't stop missing a child even if their other surviving children are well loved and 'just as good.' Heck, even as much as a parent loves their adult child, they still miss the infant or the five year old their child used to be.
Children won't understand this until they become parents themselves. So the child senses the parent's grief and anger, emotions that don't yet have any relation to the child's actual 'gayness,' and don't understand that state. They feel rejected when the parent hasn't even reached that point yet of deciding on acceptance or rejection. The parents are not allowed the time to work through their stages of grief before the child returns emotions of anger, without knowing the true cause of their parent's emotions. A vicious cycle of anger, hurt feelings, recriminations ensues. The parent feels this new child attacking them, blowing up at them at every opportunity, being oversensitive, misinterpreting every word or action of the parent. The parent is forced to walk on eggshells.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends and family complain in confusion that the gay person rejected them, they didn't reject the gay. And all this is regardless of what the parent or other family members actually feel about gays. Often, it seems, the gay child has become heterophobic, not that the parent is homophobic.
So the parent needs to go through their stages of grief, and usually are never allowed to by their child. Relations often break down at this point. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings abound on both sides. Sometimes, having no other way of making sense of the changes and the rejections from their child, a parent may actually come to hate 'gayness' where they never did before. If the parent had been able to go through the stages of grief with the patience and understanding of their child, this might never have happened.
Compounding this problem, I've known gay friends of the child to filter the parents actions through a 'gay lens', so to speak: ie. "your parents don't like your partner, not because she is an abusive creep who mistreats you and wouldn't be acceptable to them if there was a Y chromosome and a notarized penis involved; no, they don't like your partner only because she's gay." Or "your parents are upset over your bad grades because you are gay." Of course its not that blatant, but can still be just as ridiculous and insidious. We've all known some minorities who also hold this myopic lens, "My life stinks because I'm black and the world hates me." While true there is racism and discrimination, maybe your own particular problems are caused by your obnoxious behaviour and poor choices and not your skin color? (Have I offended everyone yet?)
So the parent feels rejected and angry, the child feels rejected and angry...and we haven't even gotten to the actual attitudes about gays yet.
Another problem for the parent is being slapped in the face with the image of the child as a sexual being.. Parents like to pretend their child is innocent, just as much as children don't want to picture their own parents having sex. When told their child is gay, the mental pictures are, unfortunately, disturbingly vivid. It can be these pictures, rather than the gayness, that make a parent highly uncomfortable around the child's partner.
Lastly, parents do fear the consequences of a child being gay, regardless of how they feel about gays in general. Gays face discrimination, hostility, physical attacks. Gays have a higher substance abuse rate and suicide rate, probably because of societal rejection. Its more difficult to form a lasting relationship, marriage is currently unlawful. Lethal sexual disease is higher for male gays. What parent would choose that for their child and be happy about it?
Christianity can be a problem too, but not in the way you think. I've had many Christians state that even though they accept their friend's gayness, the friend is hostile and sniping to them. "I keep getting treated like I'm Fred Phelps." No matter how liberal a Christian one is, there is the automatic assumption that the Christian will be bigoted towards them. The gay is angry and attacks, leaving the Christian confused.
Now, of course, I'm presenting only one side. There are plenty of parents that do reject solely because the child is gay, there are more than enough Christians that do hate gays, but I wanted to present this one side because I see it becoming the norm and I think gays should know this side too.
To me, family is forever. Its the one thing that can be counted on. We try harder for family, we make more allowances for family, we forgive more for family. Lovers come and go, family is forever. They shouldn't be given up on without a fight.
And speaking of hating homophobic crazy Christians, I can't believe Bush came out in support of the redefinition of marriage to exclude gay marriages on the 25th Anniversary of AIDS.
Liadan Giolla Brighide
Truth, Wisdom, Learning, and Good Sense-these are worth paying for, but too valuable for you to sell.
Proverbs 23:23 GNB
I think this was a time where the good things I see God doing in me and
through me should not be shared because they would be trampled on and crapped
on by people who are blinded by their narrow thinking. And yes, my folks are
"born again Christians".
Do you agree or disagree?
Reply:
So you think of your parents as "swine?" That they have "narrow thinking?" Maybe they do, I have no way of knowing. But let me give you a parent's view of their gay child; maybe it will resonate and allow you to understand them better. Maybe it won't apply to you at all...
Let me preface this by saying I was a counselor to gays (not specifically, but in San Francisco its hard not to specialize) in the 70s and 80s. I worked with AIDS patients when it was still considered a 'gay' disease. I wrote grants and worked for the Lesbian and Gay Center in Los Angeles. I grew up around gays. I lobbied for gay civil rights for years. What I have to say stems from my observations and experience, not from bigotry.
Most gays know they are gay long before coming out. They've worked through their denial, anger, fear, bargaining etc, through to acceptance, and for most, embracement of their homosexuality. Then they tell their parents.
Some parents will be proud that their child trusts them enough with this revelation, others will be horrified. All will have their world's shaken no matter what their views on homosexuality are. This is not a case of NIMBY, not in my back yard.
When their child tells them this secret, the parent's world view has changed. They've entered a parallel universe, where things appear the same but aren't. They realize they don't know their child the way they think they did. The child they've known and loved and nurtured all these years is suddenly gone and a changeling has taken their place. They act differently, look differently, wear different clothes, have different interests, almost speak a different language as they become more and more immersed in gay culture. And don't kid yourself that there isn't a gay culture...despite the differences in race, creeds, income, geography, education, personalities, there are still commonalties amongst gay people, despite the differences in gay lifestyles. The parents feel a stranger has suddenly taken their child's place and they are locked out by virtue of not being gay. This shaken reality is not limited to sexuality. It can happen if a child becomes disabled, becomes a different faith, etc. Anything that upsets the parent's reality of their view of their child will provoke the same reaction.
The gay child seems to expect instant acceptance, even as they are fearing rejection. This is most unfair. The child has lived with, learned about, maybe even had counseling for, their gayness for far longer than the parents...months, maybe years. But the parent is expected to absorb, accept and embrace their new child instantly. This is impossible even for the most accepting of parents. They need the same amount of time, maybe more, as the child has had. Seldom do they get that time.
The parent needs time to mourn the seeming death of their old child, as much as they still love the new one. All their hopes, dreams, expectations for their child are gone. They have to create a new reality with their new child within it. The parent goes through the same stages of grief as any parent of a lost child would do...denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, etc. They are effectively told their old child is dead, but here's a different one that's not the same but just as good. As any parent of more than one child will tell you, all the children are just as good as each other, but they wouldn't trade one for the other, they wouldn't stop missing a child even if their other surviving children are well loved and 'just as good.' Heck, even as much as a parent loves their adult child, they still miss the infant or the five year old their child used to be.
Children won't understand this until they become parents themselves. So the child senses the parent's grief and anger, emotions that don't yet have any relation to the child's actual 'gayness,' and don't understand that state. They feel rejected when the parent hasn't even reached that point yet of deciding on acceptance or rejection. The parents are not allowed the time to work through their stages of grief before the child returns emotions of anger, without knowing the true cause of their parent's emotions. A vicious cycle of anger, hurt feelings, recriminations ensues. The parent feels this new child attacking them, blowing up at them at every opportunity, being oversensitive, misinterpreting every word or action of the parent. The parent is forced to walk on eggshells.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends and family complain in confusion that the gay person rejected them, they didn't reject the gay. And all this is regardless of what the parent or other family members actually feel about gays. Often, it seems, the gay child has become heterophobic, not that the parent is homophobic.
So the parent needs to go through their stages of grief, and usually are never allowed to by their child. Relations often break down at this point. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings abound on both sides. Sometimes, having no other way of making sense of the changes and the rejections from their child, a parent may actually come to hate 'gayness' where they never did before. If the parent had been able to go through the stages of grief with the patience and understanding of their child, this might never have happened.
Compounding this problem, I've known gay friends of the child to filter the parents actions through a 'gay lens', so to speak: ie. "your parents don't like your partner, not because she is an abusive creep who mistreats you and wouldn't be acceptable to them if there was a Y chromosome and a notarized penis involved; no, they don't like your partner only because she's gay." Or "your parents are upset over your bad grades because you are gay." Of course its not that blatant, but can still be just as ridiculous and insidious. We've all known some minorities who also hold this myopic lens, "My life stinks because I'm black and the world hates me." While true there is racism and discrimination, maybe your own particular problems are caused by your obnoxious behaviour and poor choices and not your skin color? (Have I offended everyone yet?)
So the parent feels rejected and angry, the child feels rejected and angry...and we haven't even gotten to the actual attitudes about gays yet.
Another problem for the parent is being slapped in the face with the image of the child as a sexual being.. Parents like to pretend their child is innocent, just as much as children don't want to picture their own parents having sex. When told their child is gay, the mental pictures are, unfortunately, disturbingly vivid. It can be these pictures, rather than the gayness, that make a parent highly uncomfortable around the child's partner.
Lastly, parents do fear the consequences of a child being gay, regardless of how they feel about gays in general. Gays face discrimination, hostility, physical attacks. Gays have a higher substance abuse rate and suicide rate, probably because of societal rejection. Its more difficult to form a lasting relationship, marriage is currently unlawful. Lethal sexual disease is higher for male gays. What parent would choose that for their child and be happy about it?
Christianity can be a problem too, but not in the way you think. I've had many Christians state that even though they accept their friend's gayness, the friend is hostile and sniping to them. "I keep getting treated like I'm Fred Phelps." No matter how liberal a Christian one is, there is the automatic assumption that the Christian will be bigoted towards them. The gay is angry and attacks, leaving the Christian confused.
Now, of course, I'm presenting only one side. There are plenty of parents that do reject solely because the child is gay, there are more than enough Christians that do hate gays, but I wanted to present this one side because I see it becoming the norm and I think gays should know this side too.
To me, family is forever. Its the one thing that can be counted on. We try harder for family, we make more allowances for family, we forgive more for family. Lovers come and go, family is forever. They shouldn't be given up on without a fight.
And speaking of hating homophobic crazy Christians, I can't believe Bush came out in support of the redefinition of marriage to exclude gay marriages on the 25th Anniversary of AIDS.
Liadan Giolla Brighide
Truth, Wisdom, Learning, and Good Sense-these are worth paying for, but too valuable for you to sell.
Proverbs 23:23 GNB