(no subject)
Nobody should ever read this. Seriously, I want to kick myself over how much idiotic self-pity rant I just wrote
So I was finally out of school, mom finally got a freaking job and things seemed like they were going on the right track for me again. I could relax at home, take my time to rest, watch anime, maybe hang out with my friends (if I had any -haha, i'm so pitiful) or by myself, whatever, I had a whole month before my sister's vacations started, so I wouldn't have to deal with her. I was free of worries.
I had a bit of stress due to a lot of spending that came with these months. That I need a haircut, that I have to pay for the vet, that I have to fix my wristwatch, that I needed a portable drive for the PC, that I had to pay my cellphone's repairs; I was slightly stressed over that, but nothing that would put too much pressure on me considering that I was trying to get a part-time job for the summer. I had even made an arrangement with my mom so that she'd lend me her credit card to buy the Unmasked and Masked books and I'd pay her for them. I was stupid enough to think that I could finally get a birthday present for myself this year.
That was until today. My dad's lab results came out. Dad was really sick back in February, I'm not going to give out the creepy details, I'm just going to say his recovery isn't going as great as it should. And I'm going to sound like the selfish awful person in the story, but it keeps getting harder and harder for me to be worried for him when his illness keeps fucking with my life. So instead of worried I get angry and pissed.
You see, dad is theorically in charge of picking up my sister from school. Due to his illness, he couldn't do it for a long time, and he just got back to do it last week. During the time he was sick and mom was working, I had to pick her up half of the week. It wouldn't be such a big deal, except that I had a fuckload of schoolwork to put up with, plus pay for the transportation. I wasted a good 2 hours a day picking her up, thus I lost a good part of my day, and a good part of my salary (since mom doesn't give me money, I have to work to pay for my stuff -school stuff, transportation, and whatever extra little thing I want).
Then, when mom quit her job (her boss was a real bitch) she took it on herself to pick my sister everyday, and now Dad was doing it again. I thought I was finally free. But now, with the test results saying he shouldn't be going out so much, I'm supposed to be picking her up AGAIN. And you know? I'm fucking TIRED. I don't shit money to pay that stupid bus. This was my fucking vacation, I wasn't planning on wasting two hours a day picking up the little fucking brat just because mom doesn't think she's ready to take the bus on her own. I did it when I was her age, why can't she? And I feel like a piece of shit because my father is sick and because I don't want to be dealing with this tedious fucking job, I made up excuses so that I would only take up one or two days a week.
Maybe it sounds like I'm making a big deal on a small thing, maybe I am. But it is a big deal to me. You know, ever since I was in High school (that's three-four years ago) I've always had to pick my sister from school. And deal with her preteen attitude and waste my time, money and energy on that. Because nobody else could do it. I won't say I didn't complain about it, I did and a lot. But mom promised I wouldn't have to do it once I got to college. And still, I've spent half of my second semester crying in anger because I still have to waste my time, and my energy fighting with her after school, as if I didn't have enough worries of my own. And I still have to worry because I don't have enough fucking money to pay for the stupid bus.
And I mean... I worked hard the whole semester to keep my grades up, even with my dad being sick, even with my mom being unemployed, even with eveything horrible that's been happening these six months I managed to pull through the semester because I needed the fucking scholarship, and I got it. And I got it because I wanted money to spend on ME. I hoped to be selfish for once and spend some money on ME, buy things for MYSELF. Instead, I'll have to spend the fucking money repairing the computer because nobody else will care enough to give me money for that, or paying the medicines for my cat because nobody else has the money to do it. And of course, I'll have to spend the money picking up my sister, because the stupid bus is ridiculously expensieve. I have already cancelled my order for the Unmasked book, there's no way I can afford it anymore.
I'm just so fucking pissed off because NOTHING IS FUCKING WORKING FOR ME. Everything I try fails and I'm so tired of it. And I can't cry, or scream or complain, because I'm supposed to be an adult already, I'm supposed to support the family and stop being so selfish and...
Ah fuck, I'm just ranting and rambling over my own misery. I need a shrink. Mom thinks that too, but mom always finds weird shrinks. And it's not like I'd have the time to go to a shrink if I have to pick up my sister. I WANT MY FUCKING VACATION DAMNIT I DESERVE IT
And it's not like we can afford a fucking shrink anyway. So I'll just... whatever.
So I was finally out of school, mom finally got a freaking job and things seemed like they were going on the right track for me again. I could relax at home, take my time to rest, watch anime, maybe hang out with my friends (if I had any -haha, i'm so pitiful) or by myself, whatever, I had a whole month before my sister's vacations started, so I wouldn't have to deal with her. I was free of worries.
I had a bit of stress due to a lot of spending that came with these months. That I need a haircut, that I have to pay for the vet, that I have to fix my wristwatch, that I needed a portable drive for the PC, that I had to pay my cellphone's repairs; I was slightly stressed over that, but nothing that would put too much pressure on me considering that I was trying to get a part-time job for the summer. I had even made an arrangement with my mom so that she'd lend me her credit card to buy the Unmasked and Masked books and I'd pay her for them. I was stupid enough to think that I could finally get a birthday present for myself this year.
That was until today. My dad's lab results came out. Dad was really sick back in February, I'm not going to give out the creepy details, I'm just going to say his recovery isn't going as great as it should. And I'm going to sound like the selfish awful person in the story, but it keeps getting harder and harder for me to be worried for him when his illness keeps fucking with my life. So instead of worried I get angry and pissed.
You see, dad is theorically in charge of picking up my sister from school. Due to his illness, he couldn't do it for a long time, and he just got back to do it last week. During the time he was sick and mom was working, I had to pick her up half of the week. It wouldn't be such a big deal, except that I had a fuckload of schoolwork to put up with, plus pay for the transportation. I wasted a good 2 hours a day picking her up, thus I lost a good part of my day, and a good part of my salary (since mom doesn't give me money, I have to work to pay for my stuff -school stuff, transportation, and whatever extra little thing I want).
Then, when mom quit her job (her boss was a real bitch) she took it on herself to pick my sister everyday, and now Dad was doing it again. I thought I was finally free. But now, with the test results saying he shouldn't be going out so much, I'm supposed to be picking her up AGAIN. And you know? I'm fucking TIRED. I don't shit money to pay that stupid bus. This was my fucking vacation, I wasn't planning on wasting two hours a day picking up the little fucking brat just because mom doesn't think she's ready to take the bus on her own. I did it when I was her age, why can't she? And I feel like a piece of shit because my father is sick and because I don't want to be dealing with this tedious fucking job, I made up excuses so that I would only take up one or two days a week.
Maybe it sounds like I'm making a big deal on a small thing, maybe I am. But it is a big deal to me. You know, ever since I was in High school (that's three-four years ago) I've always had to pick my sister from school. And deal with her preteen attitude and waste my time, money and energy on that. Because nobody else could do it. I won't say I didn't complain about it, I did and a lot. But mom promised I wouldn't have to do it once I got to college. And still, I've spent half of my second semester crying in anger because I still have to waste my time, and my energy fighting with her after school, as if I didn't have enough worries of my own. And I still have to worry because I don't have enough fucking money to pay for the stupid bus.
And I mean... I worked hard the whole semester to keep my grades up, even with my dad being sick, even with my mom being unemployed, even with eveything horrible that's been happening these six months I managed to pull through the semester because I needed the fucking scholarship, and I got it. And I got it because I wanted money to spend on ME. I hoped to be selfish for once and spend some money on ME, buy things for MYSELF. Instead, I'll have to spend the fucking money repairing the computer because nobody else will care enough to give me money for that, or paying the medicines for my cat because nobody else has the money to do it. And of course, I'll have to spend the money picking up my sister, because the stupid bus is ridiculously expensieve. I have already cancelled my order for the Unmasked book, there's no way I can afford it anymore.
I'm just so fucking pissed off because NOTHING IS FUCKING WORKING FOR ME. Everything I try fails and I'm so tired of it. And I can't cry, or scream or complain, because I'm supposed to be an adult already, I'm supposed to support the family and stop being so selfish and...
Ah fuck, I'm just ranting and rambling over my own misery. I need a shrink. Mom thinks that too, but mom always finds weird shrinks. And it's not like I'd have the time to go to a shrink if I have to pick up my sister. I WANT MY FUCKING VACATION DAMNIT I DESERVE IT
And it's not like we can afford a fucking shrink anyway. So I'll just... whatever.