Thoughts
Tomorrow I will be completely done with moving. We're mostly finished right now- only things left to move are food and only things left to clean are the tiled floors and the fridge. As for unpacking here, I'm pretty much done. I've surprised myself by going beyond my normal thing where I leave 2 random stuff boxes in the middle of the room for a year and have actually found a place for everything in my singular room. Going through my stuff and getting rid of 6-7 bags of garbage really decreases the amount of junk I have to find places for. Why didn't I think of that sooner?
So far things are going alright here, though I'm starting to realize that I don't really have a place of refuge to call my own anymore. In California I knew it was a temporary living arrangement for the summer and when I got home I'd be back by myself again, so living in the basement with a family above me wasn't quite so bad. Here, there are no definites. I'm not entirely certain how long I'll be living here. If I get the job in Pennsylvania or Baltimore, I'll be moving there. However, if I get the job in Cleveland, the plan is to commute, so I'll stay here... and if I don't get any of the jobs I'm staying here. There really is no certain time frame to look at.
I have to re-learn to be quiet during the night hours and I cannot do the noisy private things I enjoy doing. Also different is sharing a kitchen again. I absolutely hate doing dishes that are not mine and (who'd'a thunk it?) my mother is as lazy about doing her dishes as I was mine. I've already started resorting to the "if I use it I clean it" scenario of roommate living, which is strange because it's my mother this time.
Plus I have the lingering guilt of staying in my bedroom watching TV, playing computer, or reading with my cats, while my mom is in the other part of the house by herself. I feel like I should be sharing the living room with her, but honestly, I really enjoy just sitting in my room by myself. I feel slightly obligated to be around her now that we're living together, which is really not how I like to live. I was glad in California when I could retreat from the hectic family above me into my basement and didn't feel obligated to grace them with my presence everyday.
It's weird though, because once they moved out I was a wreck living by myself in a basement with an empty house above me. I think I require a balance between socializing and personal time. Too much of either and I go crazy.
We've spent more time together than we have in years, which while isn't a bad thing at all, I'm basically starting to remember why I pursued an apartment of my own in the first place.
This week is special anyway, as she's on vacation all week, plus we're cleaning out my ex-apartment, which is probably contributing to my relative unease with being around her 24/7. We shall see how things go once she's working again and I've got other things on my mind than needing to get my apartment dealt with before tomorrow.
On the flipside- my new computer is on its merry way. It'll probably be held up by the new year, so I probably won't be getting it until next week, but I'm already planning the things that need to be installed on it, and the things that need to be saved to my external harddrive. I'm mostly excited for the plethora of new games I'm going to be able to play, as well as how great the old ones will look.
Speaking of that, I've come into a quandary about renewing my WoW subscription. While I do seriously miss it, I have a decision to make that I'm not looking forward to making. I basically quit WoW because I could not control the emotions I have invested into my guild. I had emotional breakdowns all summer and through most of the fall that were all connected to the clan politics, culminating in my severing all ties with the game so that I could focus on school. I had every intention of coming back once I graduated, though now that I have, I find myself questioning whether I really want to put myself back into that situation again.
The problem doesn't revolve around the people so much, either. There are a number of guildmates that I consider my friends and have missed their presence in my life since I quit. It really has to do with the way the clan is structured, and how I have no voice in suggesting change. I so fervently disliked the way it was structured that I was very out-spoken about it, to the point where they basically dismiss me immediately if I open my mouth on the subject. I also managed to make it more complicated on myself by becoming emotionally attached to the leader, which was one of the things severed when I left California.
Yet I miss playing with them and can't imagine playing my main and not being a part of their clan. I don't know if it is possible for me to start playing with them again and not let the old frustrations of politics and emotional attachments culminate in emotional break-downs. I've been lurking on their forums off and on when I can stand it, yet even now, as disattached as I am, I still feel the old pings of jealousy and frustration just by reading their words. I feel like until I can read without resorting to those emotions, I'm not ready to start playing again... which basically is me telling myself that I'll never be able to.
Then I try to convince myself that if I just play casually it won't bother me because I won't be around enough to experience it... but I really know that that is impossible too. The first time that I don't get invited to raid I'll be crushed and angry. And I think of all the work I put into getting to where I was- and how far behind I'm going to be by logging on now... then am I willing to put in the work and effort again to not only get back to where I was, but to keep on top of things?
And can I continue being friends with people I never interact with, except random "likes" or comments over Facebook?
The answer is: I don't know.
When I get my new computer I think I'm going to renew my subscription... after that I don't know. I may just work on a character on a different server for a while and avoid the whole situation until I feel ready to confront it.
I just wish politics wasn't involved. I want to just play the game with the people I like playing with. Finadin, Surma, Miraleigh, Brilliam, Kandard, and Fyreign to name a few. But I know that can't happen... I have to take the good with the bad.
Then there's the whole other thing of how I've been slightly better-off without a strict WoW regimen. I've gotten intensely closer with my real-life friends, both within the Fraternity and without. I tend to do what I want when I want, instead of feeling attached to my computer with an umbilical cord like I used to. I didn't even check my email yesterday because I decided that I wanted to read, instead of sit at the computer. If I were playing again, I would feel obligated to play whenever possible just to get back on top again, regardless of my personal desires.
I feel like a relapsing addict weighing the pros and cons of starting up again. The problem is- I really like playing the game because I'm good at it. WoW- especially being a Priest, was one of the few things in my life that I can honestly say I was proud of my achievements, and I want that back again. Without it, I feel young, lost, and dumb. I want the feeling of excitement at healing my ass off during a 25 man boss-fight... the feeling of euphoria at being one of two healers in a 10 man group and destroying everything in our wake. I want to experience the panic at the tank dropping health in chunks, followed by the sheer relief of Guardian Spirit going off, followed by an instinctual quick cast of Flash Heal and grinning as the tank's health, once in the red, is now sitting perfect at bright green again.
But I think all that, and I remember Everquest and how that gave me the same feelings. I was a bard and I was a good bard. I could keep 3 songs twisted easily, and excelled at crowd control twisting. I could keep mana song and haste song going for the party while I kept 2 targets at bay with my charm song- clicking back and forth between them. I miss that too, very much. So much that I reinstalled the game simply for the nostalgia of it... which ended horribly. The game was so outdated and I couldn't do anything. I ended up getting stuck in the wall geometry and being killed, which also killed the memories I had.
Were I to start playing WoW again, would it end the same way?
I'm glad to be posting again. I forgot how much it de-stresses me to write everything down that I have jumbled in my head. Now if only I were to arrive at conclusions instead of more questions... perhaps I should work on that.
So far things are going alright here, though I'm starting to realize that I don't really have a place of refuge to call my own anymore. In California I knew it was a temporary living arrangement for the summer and when I got home I'd be back by myself again, so living in the basement with a family above me wasn't quite so bad. Here, there are no definites. I'm not entirely certain how long I'll be living here. If I get the job in Pennsylvania or Baltimore, I'll be moving there. However, if I get the job in Cleveland, the plan is to commute, so I'll stay here... and if I don't get any of the jobs I'm staying here. There really is no certain time frame to look at.
I have to re-learn to be quiet during the night hours and I cannot do the noisy private things I enjoy doing. Also different is sharing a kitchen again. I absolutely hate doing dishes that are not mine and (who'd'a thunk it?) my mother is as lazy about doing her dishes as I was mine. I've already started resorting to the "if I use it I clean it" scenario of roommate living, which is strange because it's my mother this time.
Plus I have the lingering guilt of staying in my bedroom watching TV, playing computer, or reading with my cats, while my mom is in the other part of the house by herself. I feel like I should be sharing the living room with her, but honestly, I really enjoy just sitting in my room by myself. I feel slightly obligated to be around her now that we're living together, which is really not how I like to live. I was glad in California when I could retreat from the hectic family above me into my basement and didn't feel obligated to grace them with my presence everyday.
It's weird though, because once they moved out I was a wreck living by myself in a basement with an empty house above me. I think I require a balance between socializing and personal time. Too much of either and I go crazy.
We've spent more time together than we have in years, which while isn't a bad thing at all, I'm basically starting to remember why I pursued an apartment of my own in the first place.
This week is special anyway, as she's on vacation all week, plus we're cleaning out my ex-apartment, which is probably contributing to my relative unease with being around her 24/7. We shall see how things go once she's working again and I've got other things on my mind than needing to get my apartment dealt with before tomorrow.
On the flipside- my new computer is on its merry way. It'll probably be held up by the new year, so I probably won't be getting it until next week, but I'm already planning the things that need to be installed on it, and the things that need to be saved to my external harddrive. I'm mostly excited for the plethora of new games I'm going to be able to play, as well as how great the old ones will look.
Speaking of that, I've come into a quandary about renewing my WoW subscription. While I do seriously miss it, I have a decision to make that I'm not looking forward to making. I basically quit WoW because I could not control the emotions I have invested into my guild. I had emotional breakdowns all summer and through most of the fall that were all connected to the clan politics, culminating in my severing all ties with the game so that I could focus on school. I had every intention of coming back once I graduated, though now that I have, I find myself questioning whether I really want to put myself back into that situation again.
The problem doesn't revolve around the people so much, either. There are a number of guildmates that I consider my friends and have missed their presence in my life since I quit. It really has to do with the way the clan is structured, and how I have no voice in suggesting change. I so fervently disliked the way it was structured that I was very out-spoken about it, to the point where they basically dismiss me immediately if I open my mouth on the subject. I also managed to make it more complicated on myself by becoming emotionally attached to the leader, which was one of the things severed when I left California.
Yet I miss playing with them and can't imagine playing my main and not being a part of their clan. I don't know if it is possible for me to start playing with them again and not let the old frustrations of politics and emotional attachments culminate in emotional break-downs. I've been lurking on their forums off and on when I can stand it, yet even now, as disattached as I am, I still feel the old pings of jealousy and frustration just by reading their words. I feel like until I can read without resorting to those emotions, I'm not ready to start playing again... which basically is me telling myself that I'll never be able to.
Then I try to convince myself that if I just play casually it won't bother me because I won't be around enough to experience it... but I really know that that is impossible too. The first time that I don't get invited to raid I'll be crushed and angry. And I think of all the work I put into getting to where I was- and how far behind I'm going to be by logging on now... then am I willing to put in the work and effort again to not only get back to where I was, but to keep on top of things?
And can I continue being friends with people I never interact with, except random "likes" or comments over Facebook?
The answer is: I don't know.
When I get my new computer I think I'm going to renew my subscription... after that I don't know. I may just work on a character on a different server for a while and avoid the whole situation until I feel ready to confront it.
I just wish politics wasn't involved. I want to just play the game with the people I like playing with. Finadin, Surma, Miraleigh, Brilliam, Kandard, and Fyreign to name a few. But I know that can't happen... I have to take the good with the bad.
Then there's the whole other thing of how I've been slightly better-off without a strict WoW regimen. I've gotten intensely closer with my real-life friends, both within the Fraternity and without. I tend to do what I want when I want, instead of feeling attached to my computer with an umbilical cord like I used to. I didn't even check my email yesterday because I decided that I wanted to read, instead of sit at the computer. If I were playing again, I would feel obligated to play whenever possible just to get back on top again, regardless of my personal desires.
I feel like a relapsing addict weighing the pros and cons of starting up again. The problem is- I really like playing the game because I'm good at it. WoW- especially being a Priest, was one of the few things in my life that I can honestly say I was proud of my achievements, and I want that back again. Without it, I feel young, lost, and dumb. I want the feeling of excitement at healing my ass off during a 25 man boss-fight... the feeling of euphoria at being one of two healers in a 10 man group and destroying everything in our wake. I want to experience the panic at the tank dropping health in chunks, followed by the sheer relief of Guardian Spirit going off, followed by an instinctual quick cast of Flash Heal and grinning as the tank's health, once in the red, is now sitting perfect at bright green again.
But I think all that, and I remember Everquest and how that gave me the same feelings. I was a bard and I was a good bard. I could keep 3 songs twisted easily, and excelled at crowd control twisting. I could keep mana song and haste song going for the party while I kept 2 targets at bay with my charm song- clicking back and forth between them. I miss that too, very much. So much that I reinstalled the game simply for the nostalgia of it... which ended horribly. The game was so outdated and I couldn't do anything. I ended up getting stuck in the wall geometry and being killed, which also killed the memories I had.
Were I to start playing WoW again, would it end the same way?
I'm glad to be posting again. I forgot how much it de-stresses me to write everything down that I have jumbled in my head. Now if only I were to arrive at conclusions instead of more questions... perhaps I should work on that.