There is no comparison in the entire world to what he is going through right now. A scream as he falls (it's okay for him to scream, it will have to be, for he is certain no one came after him because he made sure he was untraceable, and it is all he can do right now to bear the pain and not lose his mind), down to his knees, body and bones melting and hurting and changing and it's simply painful, the blackness around him, whatever he is, whatever IT is, whatever Shadows are made of, this darkness... flooding him.
Thoughts he does not want to think, even more vehemently, it's hard to deny the thoughts also flooding his mind, being warped and twisted beyond what he wanted, ever.
His purpose. His existence.
You will end them all. End them...? He doesn't... want to hurt anyone, though.
You must save them from their suffering. But killing them isn't saving them...!
Follow me, my child. Work for me. But he doesn't want to! A pause, on his knees, breathing heavy as he holds his shoulder. The pain of slowly changing. ]
I don't... I don't...
[ He won't give in. He won't. He'll hold the form that Minato gifted to him for as long as he can, and fight with everything he has. ]
[And he fancies...that he hears the echoes of a scream, torn from the edges of a familiar voice.
And that settles it for him, even if he is simply imagining it in his head. It isn't the first time he has gone into Tartarus by himself; he does not do it often, but at times it becomes necessary, depending on his teammates' conditions--he would never ask them, tired or wounded or ill, to help him track down an illusive golden hand, after all. That would not be fair.
So he is used to traversing the tower by himself. Though...never without a weapon.
Still, he will not turn back now, and it is only the work of a few moments to make use of the device at the front. A weightless feeling and then he is there--
And he reorients himself in time to hear Ryoji's broken voice. 'I don't'--?
But his voice dies and his breath catches when he sees.]
[ ... A long moment to catch his breath, the blackness around him obvious and apparent. He can't help but smile stupidly, a hand over his forehead as he lay back onto the ground. ]
... I... told you not to go looking...
[ But he did anyway, didn't he? Such a fool...
The black, thick substance reforms around him, and there are veins. Crystal-like, almost blue and black all around him, and of course, some of it becomes those jet black wings. There are feathers strewn all over.
It's difficult for him to speak right now, if only because every word is a fight... to be him. To say what he'd... want to say, and not what Nyx desires him to be, what his nature is overriding him to say at this point. His emotions are running high, yet they are not. One moment he is overcome with happiness, but then fighting to remember what... relief or happiness or any of it even is.
... It's really a shame. He wished he could stop it, but this was a fight he was going to lose, and the inevitability of it all was beginning to take it's toll on him, even as he continued to fight to keep his (mostly) human form at this point. ]
[Of course. Of course, of course, and was that all Ryoji had to say?
...So this was what he had meant by that line. That he wouldn't be the same, that he wouldn't exist as Ryoji any longer--
But no, that wasn't right. You couldn't just take away someone. They were always them, even if they were absent in your life, even if something happened to take their presence away, you couldn't take away them.
...This is wrong. Black feathers to black wings and pain in the air.
This is wrong, and so Minato steps forward, seemingly heedless of the blackness, of the foreboding, and reaches out--]
[ ... He can't hide his fear very well. But it is not fear of what is to come. No, he's... coming to finally accept it.
The inevitability. Though he'd tried to silently fight it all along. ]
Don't... you... leave.
[ ... It comes out broken and fragmented and not at all what he wanted to say.
What he had wanted to say was "don't stay, you have to leave", but... he is fighting for all his breath between the pain and everything else. He stops himself from reaching out towards the other, for fear of what... he may do, despite not wanting to do it.
He could hurt him, he is aware--
... No.
But hurting him would make him leave, wouldn't it?
... No! He won't think like this. He can't. He... he has to fight this. ]
[He...senses the message hidden amongst the fragments, but he refuses to listen nonetheless. He didn't come here, he didn't find Ryoji, simply to leave him there in his pain and fear.
What sort of friend would he be?
Honestly, he has no idea what he can do here, but the first thing he can do is not leave.
And so he takes that next step closer, expression tense. If Ryoji won't come to him, he'll go to Ryoji. And he is aware--so very aware--that this could be a stupid decision, and that it could not end well, but nobody ever said that every decision he made was a good one. He can think of plenty that hadn't been.
Shinjiro-senpai and Ken. Not looking for Aigis and Ikutsuki...
Perhaps he was allowed one more stupid decision. So he reaches for the other.]
[ ... Don't come near him. Please, please, please don't come near him-- ]
I...
[ Stop fighting.
... He should... stop fighting it, yes. ... No! No, no, no!
I won't give in! No matter what...
This is for their own good, my son. No it wasn't!
He wants to cry, and yet... all that comes out is a strangled yelp of pain and a stare, hurt and worried and... unsure. It's as though his entire existence is some sort of digital image, flickering between how he normally looks, and then being gone, or completely fuzzy to a human's eye, because of the things that are happening so quickly are impossible to see from a human perspective.
Nyx trying to change him.
... And then him forcing it to stop and go back. ]
[It is as if the atmosphere is electrified, and he fights back a flinch, even as Ryoji seems to flicker before him.
...perhaps that is why he steps forward, even as his instincts, even as his friend yell at him to go back. Even then. He steps closer, closes the distance between them.
Perhaps he believes that if he can just hold onto his friend, if he could just grab hold of Ryoji perhaps he could stop this. So many times, so many friendships scattered to the breeze because he simply did not hold on, plucked from his grasp like butterfly wings to the breeze.
What if he clenches his fist? What then?
With that in mind...he closes the remainder of the distance and reaches out to grab his friend--Ryojihispsychehisotherhalfdeath--
[ ... Silently, Ryoji takes a blackened hand to his friend's cheek. His other half, his best friend, his entire world, really.
Minato was... so much to him. The least he felt he could do was... hold himself together long enough to tell him just how much he truly meant to him. ]
You... gave me so much, Minato... I'm sorry... if it was my choice, I wouldn't let it be taken away. This body... this mind. These emotions...
[ A breath, pained and quiet. The black wings... there are two sets of them, even now. His hand, one is black and there isn't much left that is even remotely a normal color. But his body was... still here for now. His clothes, that scarf, so precious to him... which with his memories now restored, he is aware had been a gift, when they parted.
Minato... gave it to Pharos, didn't he? Yes... and that moment he could touch it, be tangible enough to keep it. So he did. ]
Do you remember... how we first met? In the dorms... everything you saw of that 'me'... was what you gave to me. How I looked, how I sounded, how I dressed... and you gave me this scarf...
[ A smile, despite everything. And quietly, he takes the other one off his friend's neck, and he swaps them. Puts his yellow one back around Minato's neck. It's a little worn by now, but is fairly clean considering the state the rest of Ryoji's, well, everything is in. His clothes are tattered and frayed at the ends, and his hand is completely black at this point. But his face is still normal for now, so he smiles, blue eyes bright. ]
He doesn't pull back, even though black--something? What was it? He doesn't know and does it even matter--smears across his cheek.
This...this feels like farewell. But he is stubborn, and he is not yet ready to release his grip. Not yet. Not yet. He has to try, even as Ryoji stops resembling Ryoji quite so much.
The scarf.
He remembers. He remembers the effort put into it, long afternoons with a thread and needle attempting to figure out how this worked so that he could help Bebe later on, because it was so important to him--
So a scarf. Is it any surprise, then, that when he finished, proud and tired and ready to sleep, the clock struck midnight and shattered into another hour entirely? And is it any surprise that, seeing Pharos before him, only in those pajamas, he'd wrapped the scarf around the boy's neck with a quiet "don't catch a cold"?
No. Not at all.
He doesn't move as Ryoji swaps the scarves, but his eyes narrow and his expression tightens to bitterness.]
...I didn't make it for me.
[I made it for you. It's yours, so why are you--
But he knows. He's always known. It had felt like an eulogy, hadn't it?
Grasp with both hands and pray that what you treasure doesn't slip from between your fingers. He grasps.
He brings their heads together, ignoring how different Ryoji looks now, because those eyes, well. How could he forget them? They're the same as he remembers. He looks into those eyes and--]
...You can't leave.
[He knows that...Nyx will be back. The avatar--and thus Ryoji--will be there.
That isn't what he means. ...a grasp, slipping, tenuous.]
[ For all of it. And then before he even realizes it... tears. He was crying. His smile dwindles briefly as they well up in his eyes, dripping down his cheeks.
From what, he isn't sure. His brain felt so foggy and distant right now... it was so hard to think clearly, but it was as though... he could, since... Minato was here. So... maybe... if he kept fighting, it could be stopped...?
The idea of all of it... was so painful to him. Hurting them... doing this. ]
[...he's losing his grip, isn't he? Even as he holds onto the tangible remains of his friend, Ryoji is slipping out of his fingers.
What can he do? There's nothing he can do but nod, expression sad but fighting to remain anything but that. But there's nothing. No anger. No happiness. Just sadness, and nothing else to hold onto but that.
A breath, quiet, but loud in the ringing silence.]
Then...I'll keep it safe for you.
[Until you can wear it again, is the unspoken. But he isn't keeping it forever, he refuses. It's not his to keep.
And his grasp tightens on Ryoji's shoulders even as he's certain that he's losing his one chance to make it right but he doesn't know how--]
[ ... There is a quiet moment as they're both silent, and Ryoji manages a tired, pained smile. And he gives Minato a hug. Then, quietly, he whispers into his ear. ]
... Thank you. For... giving me this chance... to be "Ryoji Mochizuki". To be a person... to feel. It... means so much to me, that you've given me the chance to... talk to you all like this. I'm sorry I haven't done much to really repay you for what you've given me.
[ This was harder than he wanted it to be... but it had to be done. ]
... The moon is really pretty. It's odd... but up here, even if it's just you... I know you'll manage. Don't ever give up, no matter what... you've made your choice.
[ He smiles, looking up at that full, eerie moon. So close... it felt so nice. So... peaceful.
There's a moment's pause more, he doesn't give Minato much time to say anything. He simply falls silent. ]
[ ... But he has to manage this. It's clear he's... not going to be able to hold on anymore. He has to summon up the last of his strength... as who he is.
And so, before Minato has a moment to respond or even say anything, Ryoji shoves the other boy off him with all his might, sending him across the rooftop, feet away, and separates from him.
Then he stands, back to the other boy. He was... managing to keep his body under control right now. But... this was something he had to do. His smile has faded and his expression and tone are blank, right now. ]
... You need to leave. Use the teleporter to exit Tartarus. Go back to the dorms and... stay with the others. Don't come back here until it's time for you to face Nyx.
There is no comparison in the entire world to what he is going through right now. A scream as he falls (it's okay for him to scream, it will have to be, for he is certain no one came after him because he made sure he was untraceable, and it is all he can do right now to bear the pain and not lose his mind), down to his knees, body and bones melting and hurting and changing and it's simply painful, the blackness around him, whatever he is, whatever IT is, whatever Shadows are made of, this darkness... flooding him.
Thoughts he does not want to think, even more vehemently, it's hard to deny the thoughts also flooding his mind, being warped and twisted beyond what he wanted, ever.
His purpose. His existence.
You will end them all. End them...? He doesn't... want to hurt anyone, though.
You must save them from their suffering. But killing them isn't saving them...!
Follow me, my child. Work for me. But he doesn't want to! A pause, on his knees, breathing heavy as he holds his shoulder. The pain of slowly changing. ]
I don't... I don't...
[ He won't give in. He won't. He'll hold the form that Minato gifted to him for as long as he can, and fight with everything he has. ]
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And that settles it for him, even if he is simply imagining it in his head. It isn't the first time he has gone into Tartarus by himself; he does not do it often, but at times it becomes necessary, depending on his teammates' conditions--he would never ask them, tired or wounded or ill, to help him track down an illusive golden hand, after all. That would not be fair.
So he is used to traversing the tower by himself. Though...never without a weapon.
Still, he will not turn back now, and it is only the work of a few moments to make use of the device at the front. A weightless feeling and then he is there--
And he reorients himself in time to hear Ryoji's broken voice. 'I don't'--?
But his voice dies and his breath catches when he sees.]
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... I... told you not to go looking...
[ But he did anyway, didn't he? Such a fool...
The black, thick substance reforms around him, and there are veins. Crystal-like, almost blue and black all around him, and of course, some of it becomes those jet black wings. There are feathers strewn all over.
It's difficult for him to speak right now, if only because every word is a fight... to be him. To say what he'd... want to say, and not what Nyx desires him to be, what his nature is overriding him to say at this point. His emotions are running high, yet they are not. One moment he is overcome with happiness, but then fighting to remember what... relief or happiness or any of it even is.
... It's really a shame. He wished he could stop it, but this was a fight he was going to lose, and the inevitability of it all was beginning to take it's toll on him, even as he continued to fight to keep his (mostly) human form at this point. ]
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...So this was what he had meant by that line. That he wouldn't be the same, that he wouldn't exist as Ryoji any longer--
But no, that wasn't right. You couldn't just take away someone. They were always them, even if they were absent in your life, even if something happened to take their presence away, you couldn't take away them.
...This is wrong. Black feathers to black wings and pain in the air.
This is wrong, and so Minato steps forward, seemingly heedless of the blackness, of the foreboding, and reaches out--]
Ryoji--
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The inevitability. Though he'd tried to silently fight it all along. ]
Don't... you... leave.
[ ... It comes out broken and fragmented and not at all what he wanted to say.
What he had wanted to say was "don't stay, you have to leave", but... he is fighting for all his breath between the pain and everything else. He stops himself from reaching out towards the other, for fear of what... he may do, despite not wanting to do it.
He could hurt him, he is aware--
... No.
But hurting him would make him leave, wouldn't it?
... No! He won't think like this. He can't. He... he has to fight this. ]
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What sort of friend would he be?
Honestly, he has no idea what he can do here, but the first thing he can do is not leave.
And so he takes that next step closer, expression tense. If Ryoji won't come to him, he'll go to Ryoji. And he is aware--so very aware--that this could be a stupid decision, and that it could not end well, but nobody ever said that every decision he made was a good one. He can think of plenty that hadn't been.
Shinjiro-senpai and Ken.
Not looking for Aigis and Ikutsuki...
Perhaps he was allowed one more stupid decision. So he reaches for the other.]
I'm here. I'm not leaving.
[...but what could he do?]
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[ ... Don't come near him. Please, please, please don't come near him-- ]
I...
[ Stop fighting.
... He should... stop fighting it, yes. ... No! No, no, no!
I won't give in! No matter what...
This is for their own good, my son. No it wasn't!
He wants to cry, and yet... all that comes out is a strangled yelp of pain and a stare, hurt and worried and... unsure. It's as though his entire existence is some sort of digital image, flickering between how he normally looks, and then being gone, or completely fuzzy to a human's eye, because of the things that are happening so quickly are impossible to see from a human perspective.
Nyx trying to change him.
... And then him forcing it to stop and go back. ]
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...perhaps that is why he steps forward, even as his instincts, even as his friend yell at him to go back. Even then. He steps closer, closes the distance between them.
Perhaps he believes that if he can just hold onto his friend, if he could just grab hold of Ryoji perhaps he could stop this. So many times, so many friendships scattered to the breeze because he simply did not hold on, plucked from his grasp like butterfly wings to the breeze.
What if he clenches his fist? What then?
With that in mind...he closes the remainder of the distance and reaches out to grab his friend--Ryojihispsychehisotherhalfdeath--
He'll hold on, this time. He won't let go.]
No--!
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Minato was... so much to him. The least he felt he could do was... hold himself together long enough to tell him just how much he truly meant to him. ]
You... gave me so much, Minato... I'm sorry... if it was my choice, I wouldn't let it be taken away. This body... this mind. These emotions...
[ A breath, pained and quiet. The black wings... there are two sets of them, even now. His hand, one is black and there isn't much left that is even remotely a normal color. But his body was... still here for now. His clothes, that scarf, so precious to him... which with his memories now restored, he is aware had been a gift, when they parted.
Minato... gave it to Pharos, didn't he? Yes... and that moment he could touch it, be tangible enough to keep it. So he did. ]
Do you remember... how we first met? In the dorms... everything you saw of that 'me'... was what you gave to me. How I looked, how I sounded, how I dressed... and you gave me this scarf...
[ A smile, despite everything. And quietly, he takes the other one off his friend's neck, and he swaps them. Puts his yellow one back around Minato's neck. It's a little worn by now, but is fairly clean considering the state the rest of Ryoji's, well, everything is in. His clothes are tattered and frayed at the ends, and his hand is completely black at this point. But his face is still normal for now, so he smiles, blue eyes bright. ]
I'm giving it back. ... It looks good on you.
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He doesn't pull back, even though black--something? What was it? He doesn't know and does it even matter--smears across his cheek.
This...this feels like farewell. But he is stubborn, and he is not yet ready to release his grip. Not yet. Not yet. He has to try, even as Ryoji stops resembling Ryoji quite so much.
The scarf.
He remembers. He remembers the effort put into it, long afternoons with a thread and needle attempting to figure out how this worked so that he could help Bebe later on, because it was so important to him--
So a scarf. Is it any surprise, then, that when he finished, proud and tired and ready to sleep, the clock struck midnight and shattered into another hour entirely? And is it any surprise that, seeing Pharos before him, only in those pajamas, he'd wrapped the scarf around the boy's neck with a quiet "don't catch a cold"?
No. Not at all.
He doesn't move as Ryoji swaps the scarves, but his eyes narrow and his expression tightens to bitterness.]
...I didn't make it for me.
[I made it for you. It's yours, so why are you--
But he knows. He's always known. It had felt like an eulogy, hadn't it?
Grasp with both hands and pray that what you treasure doesn't slip from between your fingers. He grasps.
He brings their heads together, ignoring how different Ryoji looks now, because those eyes, well. How could he forget them? They're the same as he remembers. He looks into those eyes and--]
...You can't leave.
[He knows that...Nyx will be back. The avatar--and thus Ryoji--will be there.
That isn't what he means. ...a grasp, slipping, tenuous.]
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[ For all of it. And then before he even realizes it... tears. He was crying. His smile dwindles briefly as they well up in his eyes, dripping down his cheeks.
From what, he isn't sure. His brain felt so foggy and distant right now... it was so hard to think clearly, but it was as though... he could, since... Minato was here. So... maybe... if he kept fighting, it could be stopped...?
The idea of all of it... was so painful to him. Hurting them... doing this. ]
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I know that. But... it would get dirty, wouldn't it?
[ That... is all he has to say. It was funny, such light conversation... but he was losing this battle and his mind was slipping. ]
So... so just... keep it for me.
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What can he do? There's nothing he can do but nod, expression sad but fighting to remain anything but that. But there's nothing. No anger. No happiness. Just sadness, and nothing else to hold onto but that.
A breath, quiet, but loud in the ringing silence.]
Then...I'll keep it safe for you.
[Until you can wear it again, is the unspoken. But he isn't keeping it forever, he refuses. It's not his to keep.
And his grasp tightens on Ryoji's shoulders even as he's certain that he's losing his one chance to make it right but he doesn't know how--]
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... Thank you. For... giving me this chance... to be "Ryoji Mochizuki". To be a person... to feel. It... means so much to me, that you've given me the chance to... talk to you all like this. I'm sorry I haven't done much to really repay you for what you've given me.
[ This was harder than he wanted it to be... but it had to be done. ]
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[ He smiles, looking up at that full, eerie moon. So close... it felt so nice. So... peaceful.
There's a moment's pause more, he doesn't give Minato much time to say anything. He simply falls silent. ]
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And so, before Minato has a moment to respond or even say anything, Ryoji shoves the other boy off him with all his might, sending him across the rooftop, feet away, and separates from him.
Then he stands, back to the other boy. He was... managing to keep his body under control right now. But... this was something he had to do. His smile has faded and his expression and tone are blank, right now. ]
... You need to leave. Use the teleporter to exit Tartarus. Go back to the dorms and... stay with the others. Don't come back here until it's time for you to face Nyx.
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