2nd paragraph - 'The box was crammed into the back seat atop others, there was room left only in the front seat now.' The comma should either be changed to a semi-colon or made into two separate sentences.
I'd watch for tense changes. For example in the 7th paragraph, the verb 'is' is used, while the rest of the verbs are past tense.
In the last paragraph, the way it is written implies that he says "Fuck the cleaning fee." Then he muttered and walked away. I don't know if this was your intend. If you wanted him to mutter his statement, then it needs to be written: "Fuck the cleaning fee," he muttered under his breath, and walked away.
I think if you want to have the reader slow down to think and understand all the similes, there needs to be more action in the story (examples: 'hundreds of tiny, ravenous sharks', 'with hands like a half-pound hamburger patty', etc.). Otherwise, it can become a little tedious to read. I think you could probably enhance the story a little better with some more straight-forward descriptions in some places, and think out similes and metaphores a little.
I like the story. I think you were able to capture the character quite well, and the prompt of the story came through clearly. Actually, I clearly could see the person by the time I finished reading this.
Please let me know if you have any questions about the feedback.
Re: Editor NoteslghawaiianJuly 6 2008, 23:37:34 UTC
Thank you so much for your insightful editing. I'll admit I was uncertain how skilled the editors would be, but I am very happy with your ability to pick out my inconsistencies.
I'd watch for tense changes. For example in the 7th paragraph, the verb 'is' is used, while the rest of the verbs are past tense.
In the last paragraph, the way it is written implies that he says "Fuck the cleaning fee." Then he muttered and walked away. I don't know if this was your intend. If you wanted him to mutter his statement, then it needs to be written: "Fuck the cleaning fee," he muttered under his breath, and walked away.
I think if you want to have the reader slow down to think and understand all the similes, there needs to be more action in the story (examples: 'hundreds of tiny, ravenous sharks', 'with hands like a half-pound hamburger patty', etc.). Otherwise, it can become a little tedious to read. I think you could probably enhance the story a little better with some more straight-forward descriptions in some places, and think out similes and metaphores a little.
I like the story. I think you were able to capture the character quite well, and the prompt of the story came through clearly. Actually, I clearly could see the person by the time I finished reading this.
Please let me know if you have any questions about the feedback.
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Thanks again!
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