Buffy the Vampire Slayer: "A Question of Identity" by cmk418
Title: A Question of Identity
Author: cmk418
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pairing/characters: Xander/Giles, Willow, Andrew
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and FOX. Credit also to George Lucas for the “Star Wars” reference
Prompt: 171A. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Xander Harris, Rupert Giles, Willow Rosenberg (Giles/Xander awesome, but not necessary). Xander begins to realize that his sexuality may not be as clear cut as he always thought. So, he goes to the two people he knows who might be able to help him. How does Willow's view of things differ from Giles'? [Uh, I consider Rupert Giles to be canonically bisexual, though I know not everybody does. Still, that's kinda what I'm looking for here.]
Summary: While dealing with the details of a particular demon, Xander works out a few identity issues of his own.
Xander looked again at the pictures Andrew had sent. They spelled trouble. Xander needed to get Giles away from the situation, the sooner the better. He made the call.
“Giles, we need you back at the compound. There’s a demon in town.”
“Description.”
What? Didn’t the word “demon” mean anything anymore? “Ah...” Xander scrambled. “Purple. With green... spots.”
“Are the spots large or small?”
“It’s relative. On a small demon, they would be large, but on this one...”
“Has it actually harmed anyone?”
“No, but, demon, Giles.”
“Have Willow or one of the girls help you with the research.”
“Well, that’s just it. The girls are out patrolling and Willow and Kennedy are having some ‘alone time.’ And I don’t want to interrupt that... again.”
“I’d bloody well planned on having some ‘alone time’ myself.” The annoyance came through the line loud and clear and Xander winced. He heard Giles sigh, and Xander was about to tell him to forget it, when Giles said, “Sit tight, Xander. Help is on the way.”
>>>>>>>>>>
“Didn’t I tell you to get out of there?”
“I was waiting on a box.” Andrew presented Xander with the leftovers. “Want some?”
“No, thanks. Not hungry.”
“Good. This one seemed okay.”
“Well, that’s a comfort.”
“He seemed to be having a nice time.”
“Sure, with the talking and the laughing and the arm touching. Were they playing footsie under the table too?” Xander seethed.
“It was sweet.”
“You know how these things go. How long’s it gonna last once she gets a taste of our world? And then it goes to hell and we have to deal with mopey Giles. Know what happens then? Moving. His office has been in six different rooms since I got here, and I should know because he drafts me into helping him every single time. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Maybe we should set him up with one of the Slayers then,” Andrew reasoned.
“What?!”
>>>>>>>>>>
Forty-five minutes later, Andrew looked at the monitor for the front door camera. “He’s back.”
Xander swung around. “Already?”
“Any luck?” asked Giles as he entered the surveillance room.
“Yeah. I found the information after you’d hung up. Called Buffy. She took care of it.”
“Well, that was rather anti-climactic. What kind of demon was it?”
“A mynock,” Andrew supplied.
Xander gaped at him. He hoped that Giles didn’t remember that part of the original Star Wars trilogy.
“Oh, very nice,” he replied.
Xander took a relieved breath.
“Xander, a word,” Giles requested before moving down the hallway towards his office.
Xander gave Andrew a dirty look, then trailed after Giles.
“So how was the date?”
“Interrupted.”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.”
“Unavoidable. As it was, the relationship wouldn’t have progressed. After I went back to the table, I apologized for the interruption, told her that it was an urgent business matter that couldn't wait. She asked what I did, and I couldn’t answer. It’s not that I’m ashamed of what we do, there’s nothing wrong with it - quite the contrary in fact - but trying to convince that to another person, especially one who sees you as something other than you are is rather difficult.”
“I get that. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.”
“Wondering if we’re cut out for the dating world?”
“Well, with your odds, I’m sure you’ll have an easier time of it.”
“Xander, you can’t let the handicap get in your way.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The odds. I thought you were referring to your eye.”
Xander shook his head. “No-no, nothing like that. I don’t even think about that anymore. No. It’s just that... you play for both teams, right? Willow and I kinda figured it out a long time ago.”
“How? When? I never...”
“Giles, the guy was obsessed. Couldn’t leave you alone - well, at least, until you had him arrested.”
“Ethan.”
“Well, yeah... who’d you think I meant?”
“I’d have suggested Wesley myself.”
“Wesley? As in Wyndam-Pryce? He took the stick out of his ass long enough for... stop me, Giles. Naked Wesley isn’t really an image that I want in my head.”
“Yet myself and Ethan gets you going.”
Xander blushed. He had gotten a lot of mileage out of that.
Giles chuckled. “Never mind. You’re operating under a bit of a misconception about the odds. The fact that I open myself up to the possibly of being with members of both sexes, doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve opened themselves up to the possibility of being with me. Some gay men and some straight women want things more clear-cut.”
“So why don’t you choose to be one or the other? You seem to be only dating women these past few years. You could just say you were straight and be done with it.” Xander dug his nails into his palm, willing himself to shut up.
“When did you get so interested in my sex life?”
“Got to have something to talk about during coffee break. ‘Who is Giles dating this week?’ is a very big topic around the water cooler.”
“I’m not sure whether I should be flattered or frightened by that scenario. And I’ll let you in on a secret. Just because I haven’t been dating men doesn’t mean there haven’t been one or two that I’ve... been attracted to.”
“Point taken.”
“But to answer your question, I prefer not to define myself along those lines. Ethan was as much a part of my life as Jenny was. To turn my back on that history would be making them less important than they were and making myself into something that I am not.”
“So why doesn’t Willow? I mean, she had Oz, and almost... me, and it doesn’t make a lot of sense why she’s a lesbian and not bi.”
“Willow’s choices are Willow’s choices. You’ll have to discuss them with her.” Giles looked at Xander speculatively for a long moment. “And despite your rather creative efforts to change the subject, I’ll want a full report of this mynock demon tomorrow.”
>>>>>>>>>>
Willow found Xander in the library. “You’re all research-y. Some big bad?”
“Just looking for the visual equivalent of Barney.”
“Ooh, creepy. Does it sing and dance too?”
Xander shot her an exasperated look. “It’s a figment, Wil.”
Willow grabbed a volume from the stack and sat beside him. “So... a big purple something.”
“With green spots.”
“Actually, he doesn’t have green spots, that’s just the color of...”
“How is it that you know so much about this?”
“Tara watched a lot of PBS in the morning. She found it comforting.”
“Who wouldn’t? Hey, about Tara, how did...”
“Did Giles say how his date went?”
“The usual.”
“Oh, poor Giles. I’d wish he’d find somebody worthwhile.”
Hey, worthwhile guy right here. “Wonder if he’ll ever go back to dating guys again.”
“That was only a theory. He’s never said anything. Well, at least not to me.” Willow’s eyes narrowed at him. “You know? He told you?”
Xander leaned back in his chair and grinned at her. “Verified it last night. So do you think he would?”
“I don’t know.”
“You never did. Go back to dating guys.”
“I don’t think I was meant to.”
“Tara was your first, right? You didn’t have any feelings for girls before that. So if you had no experience with women, how could you just jump in and say you were gay?”
“I don’t think it’s necessarily a matter of experience. It’s more attraction. Did you need to have an experience with a woman to say you were straight?”
She makes a good point. Everyone just assumed that I was. Including me. Xander continued his line of questioning. “But you were attracted to Oz, and at one point me, so, if that’s the case, aren’t you bi?”
“Historically, yes. But that’s just it. I love you dearly, Xan, but men are my past, not my future. When Tara linked her hand in mine the first time, I knew who I was and who I was meant to be with. That’s something that didn’t change after she’d left this dimension.”
“So you touched her and boom - instant gayness.”
“It wasn’t that easy. Even though I came out as lesbian and not as bisexual, I think that Tara was always a little worried that I would go back to men. Kennedy didn’t bother with all that. She just pursued me. Maybe the identification wasn’t important to anyone but me. Maybe it’s not supposed to be.” She pointed to a picture. “How about this one?”
Xander shrugged it off. “Giles is gonna know that’s not a mynock.”
“Hey, weren’t those the bat-type thingys that attacked the Millennium Falcon?”
“Andrew supplied the name.”
“You’re screwed.”
“Thanks. I didn’t realize it.”
“What you need is a distraction.”
Xander smiled. “Where’s a good apocalypse when you need one?” He fidgeted nervously, “You don’t think Giles’ll be mad for long?”
Willow looked up from her book. “He’s never mad for long. Not at you. You’re like his modern-day Ethan Rayne.”
Xander felt his heart skip a beat at the comparison. Yeah, but without the history. And the sex. And the history of the sex.
Willow touched his arm. “Are you okay? I wasn’t saying that you were evil or anything. It’s just... Giles and you. That’s how it is.”
“But... I’m just Xander. He doesn’t... He wouldn’t... Anyway it’s...”
“Sentences, Xan.”
Xander hesitated a moment, then the words came tumbling out. “The thought of being the subject of future water-cooler conversation makes me nervous.”
“Why would we... Oh. Oh!” She squealed and hugged him. “This is wonderful. We can have a whole Slayer-Watcher-Witch contingent during Pride.”
“Let’s not start flying the Rainbow flags just yet. And it’s not all guys. It’s just him.”
“Well, that’s a start. Can I tell Kennedy?”
“Not yet.”
“I’m so glad you let me know. Oh look, demon.”
Xander glanced around. “Where?”
Willow pointed to a picture in the book of a big purple and green and very un-Barney-like demon. Xander glanced at the entry and started to laugh. “Sweet goddess, it is a mynock. Either Lucas got it wrong or Andrew got it right.”
“I’m betting Lucas got it wrong.”
“Although to his credit, he didn’t have the whole hellmouth-living thing going on.”
“When’s your meeting with Giles?”
“In a couple hours, just enough time for me to get completely freaked.”
“You’ll do fine,” said Willow, giving him a hug.
>>>>>>>>>>
Xander handed Giles the book. “This isn’t a field report,” Giles scolded.
“All the information’s right there, where I’ve marked.” He paused. “So tell me, is it just the British thing?”
“Pardon?”
“You - Ethan. You - Wesley. Of course, if it was the case, you’d probably be dating more. Since we’re here, I mean. In England.”
“I’m sorry, Xander. I’ll try to comply.”
Xander wanted to kick himself. “I didn’t mean that. It’s just weird.”
“I’m British. It doesn’t make it that unusual.” Giles sighed, “Did you actually read this?”
“Why?” Xander moved next to Giles and read the phrase exclusive to the Andes region.
“Perhaps a portal has been opened. I’ll have the coven...” Giles reached for the phone.
“Stop.”
“If a portal has opened, it does need to be closed.”
Xander reached over Giles to hit the interrupter bar on the phone. “We made it up. I made it up.”
“Care to tell me why?”
“Because.” Maybe he’ll let me leave it at that.
“Because...” Giles prompted.
Xander walked around the desk and started to pace the length of the room. “Are you sure it’s not the British thing?”
“Xander! Quit trying to change the subject.”
The words came flying to the surface, bursting out of him before he had a chance to stop them. “I was jealous, okay?” Getting no response from Giles other than a stiffening of the shoulders, Xander backpedaled quickly, “I mean, I’ve been here for three years and I don’t get out, unless it’s the occasional patrol. And here you are going out, having fun with other people and it’s stupid to want to stop you because you’re just as entitled to go out there and have fun as any of us.”
“Why don’t you come out with me tonight?”
“That’s not what I want. Well, it is what I want, but you’re missing the point.” Xander stopped pacing and sighed, “God, how did everything get so screwed up? I had so pictured this differently.” Feeling suddenly exhausted, he dropped into a chair on the other side of the desk across from Giles.
“Pictured what?”
“I’d just figured we be closer to the end. In my head, there was a lot more noise, like during the battle against the First, and naturally, I’d be gravely wounded and then... but this, this damnable quiet is making it so difficult to get the words out. And I don’t think I can...”
Giles reached across the desk and covered Xander’s hand with his own. “You have more courage in you than some of those girls downstairs. Whatever you’re trying to say won’t kill you. I wouldn’t be surprised if it does quite the opposite in fact.”
“You sound like you already know what I’m gonna say.”
“Xander.”
“All right. It’s just there are these feelings that I’ve been having and they’ve been going on for a while now ever since we did the enjoining spell to defeat Adam. And I tried so hard to make the feelings go away.”
“You were having nightmares?”
“No. Though sometimes it felt like a scary dream that I wished I could wake up from, and others it felt scary because I was afraid I’d lose it.”
“I don’t follow.”
“See, things changed when we did the spell. Willow and I have always been connected, so the spell just enhanced that a bit, and...”
“You have deeper feelings for Willow?”
“Not like that. Better friendship, of course, but Willow’s gay. And I’ve come to find out that I’m not entirely straight myself. I’m not so sure I’m gay, since there’s only... And I could consider myself bi, because Anya’s a very big part of my past. But right now, I’m only seeing the one place for my future and Willow says it was like that for her and she’s gay, but I don’t know if I that’s how I want to declare myself. She’s totally supportive of us, by the way.” Shit! “Of me being not straight and you being bisexual.”
“I imagine she would be.”
“I really hate being undecided about this. It makes it hard to tell people.”
“It’s always difficult. Sexuality is fluid. The heart wants what the heart wants. It doesn’t matter if it fits within the narrow labels that society forces us into. It just is. With the men I’ve been with, there’s been common ground to start with. Ethan and I were mates long before we were lovers, and Wesley and I were both Watchers, so there was a shorthand between us, a familiarity that led to other things. Initially I don’t remember trying to define it as anything. It was just ‘I’m with Ethan’. You’ll find your way.”
“So, I’ll just be Xander. Love me or leave me.”
“That seems to be a wise decision.” Giles smiled and Xander started to relax. But then Giles found the thread of the conversation and asked the one question that made Xander wish that an actual portal carrying a mynock would open somewhere in the room. “Xander, what happened with the spell?”
No portal opened. No apocalypse hit. Buffy didn’t bang through the door with an emergency. There was just Giles quietly sitting across from him. Waiting. Xander thought about running away or changing the subject, but it was only for a moment. He realized there was never going to be another opportunity like this, so he took a shaky breath and began to speak.
“Willow and Buffy and me were best friends, so there was a connection there and it got stronger. And you and I were friends, I guess, but we didn’t have that kind of bond. But after the spell, I couldn’t help feeling like... you were part of me. And I never felt that way about anybody before, much less another guy, so I buried those feelings. I thought it be easier when you left, but it felt like somebody had yanked out my spleen. Which is not a body part you like to talk about, but things tend to go to hell without it.”
“And now?”
“Well, being here these past three years, watching you go on your dates, and not saying anything has been its own very special brand of hell."
“So last night’s efforts at sabotage...”
“Completely and totally selfish.”
“I trust it won’t happen again.”
Xander’s face fell. So much for that. An interesting side note, though, being rejected feels exactly the same regardless of whether I’m gay or straight or bi. “No,” he whispered. “It won’t happen again.”
“Not that you’ll have a chance next time.”
Oh god, this was so much worse than being rejected. “Okay. I’ll pack my things and say goodbye to the girls.”
“Why would you say goodbye?”
“Aren’t you firing me?”
A confused look crossed Giles’ face for a moment, then his features softened and he smiled. “I was trying to ask you out.”
“Oh... Really?” It took a moment for it to sink in. “Wow. On a date, right?”
“If that’s acceptable.”
“Oh yeah.” Xander nodded and grinned at Giles.
The next moment, Xander had a reaction that was completely unexpected. He started to laugh. He couldn’t help it. All that worrying, all those questions, and right now it all just seemed so irrelevant. Maybe one day he’d be able to pinpoint who he was along the gay-straight-bi spectrum, but for now he was perfectly happy just being Xander Harris.
Author: cmk418
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pairing/characters: Xander/Giles, Willow, Andrew
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and FOX. Credit also to George Lucas for the “Star Wars” reference
Prompt: 171A. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Xander Harris, Rupert Giles, Willow Rosenberg (Giles/Xander awesome, but not necessary). Xander begins to realize that his sexuality may not be as clear cut as he always thought. So, he goes to the two people he knows who might be able to help him. How does Willow's view of things differ from Giles'? [Uh, I consider Rupert Giles to be canonically bisexual, though I know not everybody does. Still, that's kinda what I'm looking for here.]
Summary: While dealing with the details of a particular demon, Xander works out a few identity issues of his own.
Xander looked again at the pictures Andrew had sent. They spelled trouble. Xander needed to get Giles away from the situation, the sooner the better. He made the call.
“Giles, we need you back at the compound. There’s a demon in town.”
“Description.”
What? Didn’t the word “demon” mean anything anymore? “Ah...” Xander scrambled. “Purple. With green... spots.”
“Are the spots large or small?”
“It’s relative. On a small demon, they would be large, but on this one...”
“Has it actually harmed anyone?”
“No, but, demon, Giles.”
“Have Willow or one of the girls help you with the research.”
“Well, that’s just it. The girls are out patrolling and Willow and Kennedy are having some ‘alone time.’ And I don’t want to interrupt that... again.”
“I’d bloody well planned on having some ‘alone time’ myself.” The annoyance came through the line loud and clear and Xander winced. He heard Giles sigh, and Xander was about to tell him to forget it, when Giles said, “Sit tight, Xander. Help is on the way.”
>>>>>>>>>>
“Didn’t I tell you to get out of there?”
“I was waiting on a box.” Andrew presented Xander with the leftovers. “Want some?”
“No, thanks. Not hungry.”
“Good. This one seemed okay.”
“Well, that’s a comfort.”
“He seemed to be having a nice time.”
“Sure, with the talking and the laughing and the arm touching. Were they playing footsie under the table too?” Xander seethed.
“It was sweet.”
“You know how these things go. How long’s it gonna last once she gets a taste of our world? And then it goes to hell and we have to deal with mopey Giles. Know what happens then? Moving. His office has been in six different rooms since I got here, and I should know because he drafts me into helping him every single time. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Maybe we should set him up with one of the Slayers then,” Andrew reasoned.
“What?!”
>>>>>>>>>>
Forty-five minutes later, Andrew looked at the monitor for the front door camera. “He’s back.”
Xander swung around. “Already?”
“Any luck?” asked Giles as he entered the surveillance room.
“Yeah. I found the information after you’d hung up. Called Buffy. She took care of it.”
“Well, that was rather anti-climactic. What kind of demon was it?”
“A mynock,” Andrew supplied.
Xander gaped at him. He hoped that Giles didn’t remember that part of the original Star Wars trilogy.
“Oh, very nice,” he replied.
Xander took a relieved breath.
“Xander, a word,” Giles requested before moving down the hallway towards his office.
Xander gave Andrew a dirty look, then trailed after Giles.
“So how was the date?”
“Interrupted.”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.”
“Unavoidable. As it was, the relationship wouldn’t have progressed. After I went back to the table, I apologized for the interruption, told her that it was an urgent business matter that couldn't wait. She asked what I did, and I couldn’t answer. It’s not that I’m ashamed of what we do, there’s nothing wrong with it - quite the contrary in fact - but trying to convince that to another person, especially one who sees you as something other than you are is rather difficult.”
“I get that. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.”
“Wondering if we’re cut out for the dating world?”
“Well, with your odds, I’m sure you’ll have an easier time of it.”
“Xander, you can’t let the handicap get in your way.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The odds. I thought you were referring to your eye.”
Xander shook his head. “No-no, nothing like that. I don’t even think about that anymore. No. It’s just that... you play for both teams, right? Willow and I kinda figured it out a long time ago.”
“How? When? I never...”
“Giles, the guy was obsessed. Couldn’t leave you alone - well, at least, until you had him arrested.”
“Ethan.”
“Well, yeah... who’d you think I meant?”
“I’d have suggested Wesley myself.”
“Wesley? As in Wyndam-Pryce? He took the stick out of his ass long enough for... stop me, Giles. Naked Wesley isn’t really an image that I want in my head.”
“Yet myself and Ethan gets you going.”
Xander blushed. He had gotten a lot of mileage out of that.
Giles chuckled. “Never mind. You’re operating under a bit of a misconception about the odds. The fact that I open myself up to the possibly of being with members of both sexes, doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve opened themselves up to the possibility of being with me. Some gay men and some straight women want things more clear-cut.”
“So why don’t you choose to be one or the other? You seem to be only dating women these past few years. You could just say you were straight and be done with it.” Xander dug his nails into his palm, willing himself to shut up.
“When did you get so interested in my sex life?”
“Got to have something to talk about during coffee break. ‘Who is Giles dating this week?’ is a very big topic around the water cooler.”
“I’m not sure whether I should be flattered or frightened by that scenario. And I’ll let you in on a secret. Just because I haven’t been dating men doesn’t mean there haven’t been one or two that I’ve... been attracted to.”
“Point taken.”
“But to answer your question, I prefer not to define myself along those lines. Ethan was as much a part of my life as Jenny was. To turn my back on that history would be making them less important than they were and making myself into something that I am not.”
“So why doesn’t Willow? I mean, she had Oz, and almost... me, and it doesn’t make a lot of sense why she’s a lesbian and not bi.”
“Willow’s choices are Willow’s choices. You’ll have to discuss them with her.” Giles looked at Xander speculatively for a long moment. “And despite your rather creative efforts to change the subject, I’ll want a full report of this mynock demon tomorrow.”
>>>>>>>>>>
Willow found Xander in the library. “You’re all research-y. Some big bad?”
“Just looking for the visual equivalent of Barney.”
“Ooh, creepy. Does it sing and dance too?”
Xander shot her an exasperated look. “It’s a figment, Wil.”
Willow grabbed a volume from the stack and sat beside him. “So... a big purple something.”
“With green spots.”
“Actually, he doesn’t have green spots, that’s just the color of...”
“How is it that you know so much about this?”
“Tara watched a lot of PBS in the morning. She found it comforting.”
“Who wouldn’t? Hey, about Tara, how did...”
“Did Giles say how his date went?”
“The usual.”
“Oh, poor Giles. I’d wish he’d find somebody worthwhile.”
Hey, worthwhile guy right here. “Wonder if he’ll ever go back to dating guys again.”
“That was only a theory. He’s never said anything. Well, at least not to me.” Willow’s eyes narrowed at him. “You know? He told you?”
Xander leaned back in his chair and grinned at her. “Verified it last night. So do you think he would?”
“I don’t know.”
“You never did. Go back to dating guys.”
“I don’t think I was meant to.”
“Tara was your first, right? You didn’t have any feelings for girls before that. So if you had no experience with women, how could you just jump in and say you were gay?”
“I don’t think it’s necessarily a matter of experience. It’s more attraction. Did you need to have an experience with a woman to say you were straight?”
She makes a good point. Everyone just assumed that I was. Including me. Xander continued his line of questioning. “But you were attracted to Oz, and at one point me, so, if that’s the case, aren’t you bi?”
“Historically, yes. But that’s just it. I love you dearly, Xan, but men are my past, not my future. When Tara linked her hand in mine the first time, I knew who I was and who I was meant to be with. That’s something that didn’t change after she’d left this dimension.”
“So you touched her and boom - instant gayness.”
“It wasn’t that easy. Even though I came out as lesbian and not as bisexual, I think that Tara was always a little worried that I would go back to men. Kennedy didn’t bother with all that. She just pursued me. Maybe the identification wasn’t important to anyone but me. Maybe it’s not supposed to be.” She pointed to a picture. “How about this one?”
Xander shrugged it off. “Giles is gonna know that’s not a mynock.”
“Hey, weren’t those the bat-type thingys that attacked the Millennium Falcon?”
“Andrew supplied the name.”
“You’re screwed.”
“Thanks. I didn’t realize it.”
“What you need is a distraction.”
Xander smiled. “Where’s a good apocalypse when you need one?” He fidgeted nervously, “You don’t think Giles’ll be mad for long?”
Willow looked up from her book. “He’s never mad for long. Not at you. You’re like his modern-day Ethan Rayne.”
Xander felt his heart skip a beat at the comparison. Yeah, but without the history. And the sex. And the history of the sex.
Willow touched his arm. “Are you okay? I wasn’t saying that you were evil or anything. It’s just... Giles and you. That’s how it is.”
“But... I’m just Xander. He doesn’t... He wouldn’t... Anyway it’s...”
“Sentences, Xan.”
Xander hesitated a moment, then the words came tumbling out. “The thought of being the subject of future water-cooler conversation makes me nervous.”
“Why would we... Oh. Oh!” She squealed and hugged him. “This is wonderful. We can have a whole Slayer-Watcher-Witch contingent during Pride.”
“Let’s not start flying the Rainbow flags just yet. And it’s not all guys. It’s just him.”
“Well, that’s a start. Can I tell Kennedy?”
“Not yet.”
“I’m so glad you let me know. Oh look, demon.”
Xander glanced around. “Where?”
Willow pointed to a picture in the book of a big purple and green and very un-Barney-like demon. Xander glanced at the entry and started to laugh. “Sweet goddess, it is a mynock. Either Lucas got it wrong or Andrew got it right.”
“I’m betting Lucas got it wrong.”
“Although to his credit, he didn’t have the whole hellmouth-living thing going on.”
“When’s your meeting with Giles?”
“In a couple hours, just enough time for me to get completely freaked.”
“You’ll do fine,” said Willow, giving him a hug.
>>>>>>>>>>
Xander handed Giles the book. “This isn’t a field report,” Giles scolded.
“All the information’s right there, where I’ve marked.” He paused. “So tell me, is it just the British thing?”
“Pardon?”
“You - Ethan. You - Wesley. Of course, if it was the case, you’d probably be dating more. Since we’re here, I mean. In England.”
“I’m sorry, Xander. I’ll try to comply.”
Xander wanted to kick himself. “I didn’t mean that. It’s just weird.”
“I’m British. It doesn’t make it that unusual.” Giles sighed, “Did you actually read this?”
“Why?” Xander moved next to Giles and read the phrase exclusive to the Andes region.
“Perhaps a portal has been opened. I’ll have the coven...” Giles reached for the phone.
“Stop.”
“If a portal has opened, it does need to be closed.”
Xander reached over Giles to hit the interrupter bar on the phone. “We made it up. I made it up.”
“Care to tell me why?”
“Because.” Maybe he’ll let me leave it at that.
“Because...” Giles prompted.
Xander walked around the desk and started to pace the length of the room. “Are you sure it’s not the British thing?”
“Xander! Quit trying to change the subject.”
The words came flying to the surface, bursting out of him before he had a chance to stop them. “I was jealous, okay?” Getting no response from Giles other than a stiffening of the shoulders, Xander backpedaled quickly, “I mean, I’ve been here for three years and I don’t get out, unless it’s the occasional patrol. And here you are going out, having fun with other people and it’s stupid to want to stop you because you’re just as entitled to go out there and have fun as any of us.”
“Why don’t you come out with me tonight?”
“That’s not what I want. Well, it is what I want, but you’re missing the point.” Xander stopped pacing and sighed, “God, how did everything get so screwed up? I had so pictured this differently.” Feeling suddenly exhausted, he dropped into a chair on the other side of the desk across from Giles.
“Pictured what?”
“I’d just figured we be closer to the end. In my head, there was a lot more noise, like during the battle against the First, and naturally, I’d be gravely wounded and then... but this, this damnable quiet is making it so difficult to get the words out. And I don’t think I can...”
Giles reached across the desk and covered Xander’s hand with his own. “You have more courage in you than some of those girls downstairs. Whatever you’re trying to say won’t kill you. I wouldn’t be surprised if it does quite the opposite in fact.”
“You sound like you already know what I’m gonna say.”
“Xander.”
“All right. It’s just there are these feelings that I’ve been having and they’ve been going on for a while now ever since we did the enjoining spell to defeat Adam. And I tried so hard to make the feelings go away.”
“You were having nightmares?”
“No. Though sometimes it felt like a scary dream that I wished I could wake up from, and others it felt scary because I was afraid I’d lose it.”
“I don’t follow.”
“See, things changed when we did the spell. Willow and I have always been connected, so the spell just enhanced that a bit, and...”
“You have deeper feelings for Willow?”
“Not like that. Better friendship, of course, but Willow’s gay. And I’ve come to find out that I’m not entirely straight myself. I’m not so sure I’m gay, since there’s only... And I could consider myself bi, because Anya’s a very big part of my past. But right now, I’m only seeing the one place for my future and Willow says it was like that for her and she’s gay, but I don’t know if I that’s how I want to declare myself. She’s totally supportive of us, by the way.” Shit! “Of me being not straight and you being bisexual.”
“I imagine she would be.”
“I really hate being undecided about this. It makes it hard to tell people.”
“It’s always difficult. Sexuality is fluid. The heart wants what the heart wants. It doesn’t matter if it fits within the narrow labels that society forces us into. It just is. With the men I’ve been with, there’s been common ground to start with. Ethan and I were mates long before we were lovers, and Wesley and I were both Watchers, so there was a shorthand between us, a familiarity that led to other things. Initially I don’t remember trying to define it as anything. It was just ‘I’m with Ethan’. You’ll find your way.”
“So, I’ll just be Xander. Love me or leave me.”
“That seems to be a wise decision.” Giles smiled and Xander started to relax. But then Giles found the thread of the conversation and asked the one question that made Xander wish that an actual portal carrying a mynock would open somewhere in the room. “Xander, what happened with the spell?”
No portal opened. No apocalypse hit. Buffy didn’t bang through the door with an emergency. There was just Giles quietly sitting across from him. Waiting. Xander thought about running away or changing the subject, but it was only for a moment. He realized there was never going to be another opportunity like this, so he took a shaky breath and began to speak.
“Willow and Buffy and me were best friends, so there was a connection there and it got stronger. And you and I were friends, I guess, but we didn’t have that kind of bond. But after the spell, I couldn’t help feeling like... you were part of me. And I never felt that way about anybody before, much less another guy, so I buried those feelings. I thought it be easier when you left, but it felt like somebody had yanked out my spleen. Which is not a body part you like to talk about, but things tend to go to hell without it.”
“And now?”
“Well, being here these past three years, watching you go on your dates, and not saying anything has been its own very special brand of hell."
“So last night’s efforts at sabotage...”
“Completely and totally selfish.”
“I trust it won’t happen again.”
Xander’s face fell. So much for that. An interesting side note, though, being rejected feels exactly the same regardless of whether I’m gay or straight or bi. “No,” he whispered. “It won’t happen again.”
“Not that you’ll have a chance next time.”
Oh god, this was so much worse than being rejected. “Okay. I’ll pack my things and say goodbye to the girls.”
“Why would you say goodbye?”
“Aren’t you firing me?”
A confused look crossed Giles’ face for a moment, then his features softened and he smiled. “I was trying to ask you out.”
“Oh... Really?” It took a moment for it to sink in. “Wow. On a date, right?”
“If that’s acceptable.”
“Oh yeah.” Xander nodded and grinned at Giles.
The next moment, Xander had a reaction that was completely unexpected. He started to laugh. He couldn’t help it. All that worrying, all those questions, and right now it all just seemed so irrelevant. Maybe one day he’d be able to pinpoint who he was along the gay-straight-bi spectrum, but for now he was perfectly happy just being Xander Harris.