Harry Potter: A No Since When Since by Loony4lupin
Title: A No Since When Since
Author: loony4lupin
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing/characters: Lily Luna Potter, Albus Severus Potter with guest appearances of: James Sirius Potter, Scorpius Malfoy, Ginny Potter, Harry Potter and a leather daddy.
Rating: R for language and sexual situations
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Nor am I making any sort of profit off of them.
Prompt: 738, Harry Potter, James Potter (II) or Albus Scorpius Potter or Lily Potter (II), "If my father weren't so bloody famous, no one would *care* who I snogged."
Summary: A story about sunshine, a whole lot of rain and rainbows.
Warnings: Suggestion of sexual underage situations, language, homophobia and switching POVs/tenses (you've been warned to look for the symbolism in the changes- muhahahaa).
Author's Notes: I'm really proud of this and it has a lot of me in it. A large, beautiful and HEAPING thanks to my perfect beta, luvscharlie. She's brilliant and sexy and got me this fic back in no time when her life is just as busy as mine. I truly love her. Now, ENJOY! And comments are love. Just, you know, if you have time. (Extra points if you can name the poet who owns the title.)
Albus held his breath as the buzzing filled the air like a million ancient bees conversing the merits of pollen and honey production.
It was strange. It wasn't the only sound around them. Yet, it was the only sound he could really hear. The other sounds around them were no longer distinguishable, but had faded into white noise. Albus took a deep breath, his stomach swirling with nervousness and he felt like at any minute he might empty the contents of his stomach all over the chalk covered sidewalk.
Some part of him felt guilty for being nervous. This really had nothing to do with him. In fact, just the notion of him being nervous was part of the problem. That feeling gnawing at the pit of his stomach was the reason they were there. He was actually part of the problem that they were desperately trying to get away from. Well, he was trying to get away from it, but she-
"Albus."
He opened his eyes and the rest of the world seemed to come to life. The swirling lights and loud musical qualities of the voices around them came into focus- the world was alive around them, much more than he had ever realised, and it shocked him causing the air to rush out of his lungs as the world around him blurred and then came into focus. He blinked out the sun and turned his gaze downward to his sister, who was sitting on a stool in front of him grinning a nervous smile, her eyes wild with rebellion and complete and total happiness.
He could never deny that.
"I'm right behind you," he said, reaching his hand out and curling his sweaty fingers around her warm palm.
<3<3<3
You first learn to hate the world when you're eight.
You're not completely sure why you hate the world; you don't completely understand everything, but there are some pretty certain truths. You know that anyone other than James who makes your sister cry is the enemy. She is, after all, the only sister you have.
And so, when Lily comes running down the street with her pigtails streaking behind her, the ribbons barely hanging on as they fly in the air, pink and delicate- you barely recognise the cloud of people behind her. You are sitting on the porch, pouting because James hid your cauldron again, when you hear her crying for you.
"AL! AL!" Lily screams, her voice high pitched and twisted with tears. You stand, pausing for only a moment before James is rushing past you and you are following him. James reaches her first, pulling her into his ten-year-old arms and hauling her up his body as she sobs. You feel magic bubble up inside of you, and for a moment you are afraid that you'll do accidental magic for the first time, and your mother won't see you but it turns into something else that feels like invincibility and you do the only thing you know how to do without a wand.
You step in front of James, who is yelling words that you've never heard before, but he says them with such venom that you know they are nasty, and your first punch lands in the bulb of a large camera and the glass shatters, sparking against your skin.
You don't remember the second punch. Or any of the ones that follow.
But you remember the way Lily sobs throughout the entire thing, the pink ribbons of her hair trailing down her back as James holds tight and fast until your father comes out, roaring and valiant and all the things history books had said about him, but that you had never really believed because your father was nice and had glasses and always made you laugh.
After the reporters leave, no one says a word, but you all pile together in your parents' bed to nap before supper time. Dad hushes Lily, telling her stories that don't seem to have endings or plots, but she stops crying and Dad sighs a lot and keeps you all very close to him. You can hear their combined heart beats. You wonder if they are waiting for Mum to come home to talk about what has happened, and you idly wonders if you're going to get in trouble for punching those people or if James will ever tell you what all those words mean.
In the end, you play with Lily's small hand until you all drift off to sleep.
The next day, there is a picture splashed all over the front of the Daily Prophet. It's of Lily, leaning over and kissing a girl in her primary school class. They both have ribbons in their hair and they look happy, their cheeks rosy and their hands clasped together.
You are the only one who meets your sister's confused gaze for the rest of the day.
<3<3<3
"Are you ready to end The Man's oppression on your thoughts, feelings and actions?"
Albus barked out a laugh, breathless and thankful for the very scary and ridiculous man, who stood behind Lily's sitting form. The air around Albus felt oppressively thick with his own thoughts and the man's radical words were enough to make Albus breathe evenly again. Lily, on the other hand, nodded firmly and squeezed Albus' hand as if the man's words reaffirmed her purpose in being there.
Albus took one last look at his sister. Her cheeks were pink from the sun and her freckles were prominent across the bridge of her nose. She licked her lips repeatedly, a nervous habit she has had since Albus could remember. A bright green ribbon clasped her glittering auburn hair in a ponytail.
Her smile was so bright it practically blinded him.
<3<3<3
You are three days shy of turning eleven when your mother pulls you aside to tell you that Lily might be different and that other kids at school might say so. The first thing that comes to your mind is that she might be a Squib and panic surges through you and so you asks if she is.
Your mother sighs and says no.
"What's wrong with her then?" you ask indignantly.
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong with her," your mother snaps back, and you are confused. Your mother sighs and apologizes. You wait and watch as she plays with her wedding ring.
"Your sister might like girls."
You look at her. She looks worried. As if your head will explode at the news or as if this news, so mundane to you, will break her heart. You want to tell her something to make the frown that creases her forehead and the lines around her mouth disappear. But you cannot.
Because James is bursting through the front door with bloody knees and a quivering lip and this conversation is over.
Of course she does, you think later. Of course Lily likes girls. Why wouldn't she? They are soft and pretty and have long hair with ribbons.
Why wouldn't she? That's the question you want to ask but never do.
It isn't until three months later when you board the Hogwarts Express with nervousness still coiled tight in your stomach, your father's words echoing in your head as you find an empty compartment to shove your things into. You haven't seen James, nor do you want to. He's been a right git since the moment Mum made him take you along with him to get your school things at Diagon Alley. You don't think about Lily crying on the platform. You don't think about the conversation you didn't really finish with your mother. That is, until someone else does.
"Did you see Lily Potter on the platform?"
You pause from shoving your trunk up into the compartment space. There are two shadows outside your compartment door and they are talking, but their voices are not hushed.
"No. Did you?"
"Yes!"
"Well?"
You frown. They sound as if your sister is an exhibit at the Natural History of Magic Museum and you don't really like it.
"She doesn't look like a dyke."
"Well my mum says she is."
The voices move away and you sit, your hands clasped in front of you and your bag hanging out of the above compartment. And for a while, you don't worry about whether or not you'll get sorted into Slytherin and how your family will disown you or how you'll never fit in because you weren't as magical as James was at your age and that you look too much like your father to have any real friends. You don't think or worry or ponder about any of that. Those things alll seem trivial now. They seem stupid.
You worry about if Lily gets sorted into Slytherin. You worry about the day your sister will have to face the people behind the door of that compartment. And the first time you miss home, the first time you cry is aboard the Hogwarts Express and it isn't even for you.
<3<3<3
It didn't seem possible but the buzzing got louder and Albus felt nauseous with his nerves. Lily, on the other hand, looked more serene than ever.
"Ready?"
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Albus said, nervous laughter bubbling out. Lily smiled and squeezed his hand. Albus shuffled closer to her until her knees pressed into his shins. He felt grounded by her; her smile, her confidence, her beauty.
"Well, you always were the practical one."
"And you-" Albus stopped and squeezed her hand again.
"Albus, are you ready to have a queer sister?"
"Lils, I'm pretty sure I've already had a queer sister for a while." Albus blushed when he said it. It always felt strange to talk so openly, which was so strange since open is how they had always spoken.
"Yeah. But now I'll be your queer sister with a shaved head."
Lily's lips quirked and Albus took a deep breath. The scary man behind her with the Muggle clippers clucked his tongue and looked impatient. Albus nodded.
"I guess so, Lils. I guess so."
<3<3<3
You're seventeen inches deep into a Potion's essay when Hugo Weasley burst into the library in all his lanky, awkward glory. You're not surprised because if it wasn't for Hugo, you'd be completely in the dark about everything. Gossip wasn't necessarily high on your priority list. Hugo's priority list started with gossip, ended with gossip, and there was an awful lot of gossip in between.
"You've gasp got gasp to come gasp now!"
You raise an eyebrow and wait for Hugo to catch his breath but he just shakes his head, practically vibrating with energy, before grasping your wrist and dragging you bodily from the library. You protest, albeit weakly, all the way to the dungeons. But by the time you can hear voices, raised and on the edge of hysteria, you're moving just as quickly as Hugo.
You round the corner and push yourself through the crowded common room, the stone entrance is wide open. There, projected on the large stone wall is your sister doing things that make you blush with another girl that looks a bit like Auntie Luna, and it would probably have made you hard if it wasn't your sister. Your jaw drops and you want to raise your wand to make the images disappear but you can't wrap your mind around the Muggle moving pictures enough to know what to do. You turn around, mouth opening and closing and your face hot with embarrassment that you wish was for Lily, but you know it's for yourself. It makes you angrier, and you wish part of that anger wasn't about you, about your lack of experience with girls. But no sooner than your gaze falls on the laughing culprit of this inappropriate prank, James is there in a whirlwind of wand movement and fury. His presence finally provokes movement in your body.
"How dare you, Malfoy," you say, moving towards him with Hugo by your side, still panting.
"Oh, Potter... it's a shame your sister was the only one in your... tribe, to miss the show," Scorpius drawled as he absently picked his perfectly manicured nails.
You're too angry to speak. James can express your rage much better. He's a Gryffindor. It's what he does. But you still feel the hot burn of shame and you wonder if he can feel it too.
"You are a disgusting excuse for humanity. Had to drag Lily into this because you're too scared to come out of that stuffy, aristocratic closet of yours- you little nancy fuck! Fucking arse licking faggo-" You stop James with a tight hand around his upper arm. He's a contradiction and a hypocrite when he speaks sometimes, heated protection with derogatory slang. It boggles your mind.
"Show's over," you say. You clear your throat and repeat yourself. People start to clear out despite James and Scorpius still glaring at each other, their hatred palpable. The rest of the students disappear and you go to touch James' shoulder and speak calmly to him.
"Let's not air our dirty laundry-"
"We have nothing to be ashamed of,” James practically spits at you and flinches out of your grasp.
"We have nothing to hide," James says as he turns to Malfoy, who looks comfortably miffed, but a little overwhelmed at the scene before him. "Lily has nothing to hide," he finishes firmly.
You're looking at James' stormy eyes when you realize that you've lost your eleven-year-old self and have become exactly like everyone else you used to hate. You're standing alone in the common room when you realise you're the exact person who would make your sister cry and you hate yourself.
She still loves you when she comes into her common room twenty minutes later and you cannot possibly understand her capacity to forgive someone like you.
<3<3<3
Lily made you cut off her ponytail. Yuor hands shook and you were afraid of the man holding the clippers behind you because you were pretty sure the man hated straight people as a rule. But you managed not to hyperventilate when the sharp steel of the scissors clipped the first few strands of her auburn hair. You almost cried as the hair fell in thick strands on the concrete. It felt monumental. You felt invincible in the sunlight with Lily's hair at your feet, the ribbon glittering in the light of the sun.
The scary man didn't look at you with so much disdain after that.
<3<3<3
You've been lying in bed for roughly an hour listening to cracks in your mother's Silencing Charms and trying to sleep, when your door opens and you smell sweet tangerines that can only mean your sister. You scoot towards the window when the bed dips. Part of you wants to speak and fill the gaps of silence between the two of you. Instead, you count the burn marks on your ceiling. The moon is bright enough to light half the room, but you're afraid to turn your head and look at her.
"If my father weren't so bloody famous, no one would care who I snogged." Her voice is scratchy and wet. What bothers you the most isn't the tears but the defeat. She's younger than you and you forget every day. You forget that sometimes she still needs to crawl into your bed and feel safe. You forget that sometimes she's not alone. Breeze billows soft through the window and you exhale with it.
"Maybe," you say. "But Grandma doesn't care about who your father is, Lils. There are just some people-"
She bites back a sob and you stop. You think about her face at the dinner table when Grandma was grilling her about finding a boyfriend, that Hogwarts was where every girl found a husband and when was she going to grow out of her silly phase. You think about Lily's red cheeks and her polite but tense words in response. You pat the space next to you until you find her hand, still tiny in yours. You think about pink ribbons and squeeze her hand until she squeezes back.
"Al," she whispers.
"Hmm?"
"This isn't fair."
You think about faerie tale princesses and handsome prince charmings, and you feel something nasty well up in your chest. You think about how the dragons look different than any fable anyone ever told you as a kid. You think about a fight at the Burrow during your seventh birthday between Uncle Charlie and Grandma. You remember the same words coming out his mouth as he held the hand of a man you can't remember very well. But you do remember how defeated he sounded and how he hasn't been back since. You imagine dragons and worlds away and know that you probably wouldn't be able to recognise Uncle Charlie on the street if you had to, only the sounds of his voice from the Floo.
"Al, stop squeezing my hand so hard."
You laugh but it falls flat and loosen your grip. You don't let go. The downstairs rattles a bit and you both know your dad is trying to keep the Privacy Charms intact while Mum and Grandma fight. You wonder if Lily thinks about what they're saying and if Mum will stop speaking to Grandma again like last time.
You finally turn your heard.
"Hey, Lils?"
"Yeah," she says when she turns her head, eyes full of tears and something that looks like broken promises.
You make a decision, with the moonlight falling over the both of you in your childhood bed. You think about moving out in a couple of months. You think about Lily, all alone at Hogwarts, and how you can't really imagine living without her bouncing around your life. You think about what Auntie Luna would say, realise you couldn't ever know for sure and take a deep breath.
"You should know that I'm not afraid of you stealing my girlfriend," you say with mock seriousness. Lily raises an eyebrow. "Well you know... not anymore anyways."
You don't think about anything but the way Lily bites her lip before she laughs, bold and free. You join her when she takes her hand away to try and smother you with your pillow. You're seventeen when you realise how strong your sister had to become to survive this long and you make a mental note to remind Lily how dreadful Romania is- just in case she forgets and gets any funny ideas.
<3<3<3
Your mouth was hanging open by the time the scary man, whom you later learned was referred to as a "leather daddy", had shaved everything off of Lily's head but a line of bangs.
"Should I keep them?"
Lily's nose was wrinkled by her squinted smile and she looked a bit frightening. She looked clean. You cleared your throat and replied, "Lily, keeping the bangs is where even I draw the line between supportive and asinine."
Her laughter was light and you relaxed in the sun. She was still Lily, just bald. Still Lily, just queer. And she hugged the man and exchanged words of thanks before she took your hand in hers. She skipped forward, pulling you into the large crowds that lined the streets of Pride. There was music and people all around them but it was hard for you to take your eyes off of her. She smiled, looking at you over her shoulder.
You thought about going home. You thought about what everyone would say.
"What?"
"Nothing," you replied, before you tugged on her hand to bring her back to you, looped your arm around her shoulder and rubbed your palm over her fuzzy head. She tilted her head back and smiled wide as they continued to walk down the cobblestone. You pressed your lips to her temple and her short hairs tickled your lips.
"You know what?"
"You're gay?"
"No," you said with a laugh. Lily settled more comfortably into your side.
"What then?"
You paused, looking at the sea of people in bright colours and even brighter passions. You closed your eyes and tilted your face towards the sun. Your thoughts turned towards princesses that were really dragons and felt victory.
"I'm just proud of you, I guess."
"Took me shaving my head?"
You shrugged. "We're not all as smart as you, Lily. Some of us need visual reminders of what's truly important and what's rubbish."
"I love you too."
Author: loony4lupin
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing/characters: Lily Luna Potter, Albus Severus Potter with guest appearances of: James Sirius Potter, Scorpius Malfoy, Ginny Potter, Harry Potter and a leather daddy.
Rating: R for language and sexual situations
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Nor am I making any sort of profit off of them.
Prompt: 738, Harry Potter, James Potter (II) or Albus Scorpius Potter or Lily Potter (II), "If my father weren't so bloody famous, no one would *care* who I snogged."
Summary: A story about sunshine, a whole lot of rain and rainbows.
Warnings: Suggestion of sexual underage situations, language, homophobia and switching POVs/tenses (you've been warned to look for the symbolism in the changes- muhahahaa).
Author's Notes: I'm really proud of this and it has a lot of me in it. A large, beautiful and HEAPING thanks to my perfect beta, luvscharlie. She's brilliant and sexy and got me this fic back in no time when her life is just as busy as mine. I truly love her. Now, ENJOY! And comments are love. Just, you know, if you have time. (Extra points if you can name the poet who owns the title.)
Albus held his breath as the buzzing filled the air like a million ancient bees conversing the merits of pollen and honey production.
It was strange. It wasn't the only sound around them. Yet, it was the only sound he could really hear. The other sounds around them were no longer distinguishable, but had faded into white noise. Albus took a deep breath, his stomach swirling with nervousness and he felt like at any minute he might empty the contents of his stomach all over the chalk covered sidewalk.
Some part of him felt guilty for being nervous. This really had nothing to do with him. In fact, just the notion of him being nervous was part of the problem. That feeling gnawing at the pit of his stomach was the reason they were there. He was actually part of the problem that they were desperately trying to get away from. Well, he was trying to get away from it, but she-
"Albus."
He opened his eyes and the rest of the world seemed to come to life. The swirling lights and loud musical qualities of the voices around them came into focus- the world was alive around them, much more than he had ever realised, and it shocked him causing the air to rush out of his lungs as the world around him blurred and then came into focus. He blinked out the sun and turned his gaze downward to his sister, who was sitting on a stool in front of him grinning a nervous smile, her eyes wild with rebellion and complete and total happiness.
He could never deny that.
"I'm right behind you," he said, reaching his hand out and curling his sweaty fingers around her warm palm.
<3<3<3
You first learn to hate the world when you're eight.
You're not completely sure why you hate the world; you don't completely understand everything, but there are some pretty certain truths. You know that anyone other than James who makes your sister cry is the enemy. She is, after all, the only sister you have.
And so, when Lily comes running down the street with her pigtails streaking behind her, the ribbons barely hanging on as they fly in the air, pink and delicate- you barely recognise the cloud of people behind her. You are sitting on the porch, pouting because James hid your cauldron again, when you hear her crying for you.
"AL! AL!" Lily screams, her voice high pitched and twisted with tears. You stand, pausing for only a moment before James is rushing past you and you are following him. James reaches her first, pulling her into his ten-year-old arms and hauling her up his body as she sobs. You feel magic bubble up inside of you, and for a moment you are afraid that you'll do accidental magic for the first time, and your mother won't see you but it turns into something else that feels like invincibility and you do the only thing you know how to do without a wand.
You step in front of James, who is yelling words that you've never heard before, but he says them with such venom that you know they are nasty, and your first punch lands in the bulb of a large camera and the glass shatters, sparking against your skin.
You don't remember the second punch. Or any of the ones that follow.
But you remember the way Lily sobs throughout the entire thing, the pink ribbons of her hair trailing down her back as James holds tight and fast until your father comes out, roaring and valiant and all the things history books had said about him, but that you had never really believed because your father was nice and had glasses and always made you laugh.
After the reporters leave, no one says a word, but you all pile together in your parents' bed to nap before supper time. Dad hushes Lily, telling her stories that don't seem to have endings or plots, but she stops crying and Dad sighs a lot and keeps you all very close to him. You can hear their combined heart beats. You wonder if they are waiting for Mum to come home to talk about what has happened, and you idly wonders if you're going to get in trouble for punching those people or if James will ever tell you what all those words mean.
In the end, you play with Lily's small hand until you all drift off to sleep.
The next day, there is a picture splashed all over the front of the Daily Prophet. It's of Lily, leaning over and kissing a girl in her primary school class. They both have ribbons in their hair and they look happy, their cheeks rosy and their hands clasped together.
You are the only one who meets your sister's confused gaze for the rest of the day.
<3<3<3
"Are you ready to end The Man's oppression on your thoughts, feelings and actions?"
Albus barked out a laugh, breathless and thankful for the very scary and ridiculous man, who stood behind Lily's sitting form. The air around Albus felt oppressively thick with his own thoughts and the man's radical words were enough to make Albus breathe evenly again. Lily, on the other hand, nodded firmly and squeezed Albus' hand as if the man's words reaffirmed her purpose in being there.
Albus took one last look at his sister. Her cheeks were pink from the sun and her freckles were prominent across the bridge of her nose. She licked her lips repeatedly, a nervous habit she has had since Albus could remember. A bright green ribbon clasped her glittering auburn hair in a ponytail.
Her smile was so bright it practically blinded him.
<3<3<3
You are three days shy of turning eleven when your mother pulls you aside to tell you that Lily might be different and that other kids at school might say so. The first thing that comes to your mind is that she might be a Squib and panic surges through you and so you asks if she is.
Your mother sighs and says no.
"What's wrong with her then?" you ask indignantly.
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong with her," your mother snaps back, and you are confused. Your mother sighs and apologizes. You wait and watch as she plays with her wedding ring.
"Your sister might like girls."
You look at her. She looks worried. As if your head will explode at the news or as if this news, so mundane to you, will break her heart. You want to tell her something to make the frown that creases her forehead and the lines around her mouth disappear. But you cannot.
Because James is bursting through the front door with bloody knees and a quivering lip and this conversation is over.
Of course she does, you think later. Of course Lily likes girls. Why wouldn't she? They are soft and pretty and have long hair with ribbons.
Why wouldn't she? That's the question you want to ask but never do.
It isn't until three months later when you board the Hogwarts Express with nervousness still coiled tight in your stomach, your father's words echoing in your head as you find an empty compartment to shove your things into. You haven't seen James, nor do you want to. He's been a right git since the moment Mum made him take you along with him to get your school things at Diagon Alley. You don't think about Lily crying on the platform. You don't think about the conversation you didn't really finish with your mother. That is, until someone else does.
"Did you see Lily Potter on the platform?"
You pause from shoving your trunk up into the compartment space. There are two shadows outside your compartment door and they are talking, but their voices are not hushed.
"No. Did you?"
"Yes!"
"Well?"
You frown. They sound as if your sister is an exhibit at the Natural History of Magic Museum and you don't really like it.
"She doesn't look like a dyke."
"Well my mum says she is."
The voices move away and you sit, your hands clasped in front of you and your bag hanging out of the above compartment. And for a while, you don't worry about whether or not you'll get sorted into Slytherin and how your family will disown you or how you'll never fit in because you weren't as magical as James was at your age and that you look too much like your father to have any real friends. You don't think or worry or ponder about any of that. Those things alll seem trivial now. They seem stupid.
You worry about if Lily gets sorted into Slytherin. You worry about the day your sister will have to face the people behind the door of that compartment. And the first time you miss home, the first time you cry is aboard the Hogwarts Express and it isn't even for you.
<3<3<3
It didn't seem possible but the buzzing got louder and Albus felt nauseous with his nerves. Lily, on the other hand, looked more serene than ever.
"Ready?"
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Albus said, nervous laughter bubbling out. Lily smiled and squeezed his hand. Albus shuffled closer to her until her knees pressed into his shins. He felt grounded by her; her smile, her confidence, her beauty.
"Well, you always were the practical one."
"And you-" Albus stopped and squeezed her hand again.
"Albus, are you ready to have a queer sister?"
"Lils, I'm pretty sure I've already had a queer sister for a while." Albus blushed when he said it. It always felt strange to talk so openly, which was so strange since open is how they had always spoken.
"Yeah. But now I'll be your queer sister with a shaved head."
Lily's lips quirked and Albus took a deep breath. The scary man behind her with the Muggle clippers clucked his tongue and looked impatient. Albus nodded.
"I guess so, Lils. I guess so."
<3<3<3
You're seventeen inches deep into a Potion's essay when Hugo Weasley burst into the library in all his lanky, awkward glory. You're not surprised because if it wasn't for Hugo, you'd be completely in the dark about everything. Gossip wasn't necessarily high on your priority list. Hugo's priority list started with gossip, ended with gossip, and there was an awful lot of gossip in between.
"You've gasp got gasp to come gasp now!"
You raise an eyebrow and wait for Hugo to catch his breath but he just shakes his head, practically vibrating with energy, before grasping your wrist and dragging you bodily from the library. You protest, albeit weakly, all the way to the dungeons. But by the time you can hear voices, raised and on the edge of hysteria, you're moving just as quickly as Hugo.
You round the corner and push yourself through the crowded common room, the stone entrance is wide open. There, projected on the large stone wall is your sister doing things that make you blush with another girl that looks a bit like Auntie Luna, and it would probably have made you hard if it wasn't your sister. Your jaw drops and you want to raise your wand to make the images disappear but you can't wrap your mind around the Muggle moving pictures enough to know what to do. You turn around, mouth opening and closing and your face hot with embarrassment that you wish was for Lily, but you know it's for yourself. It makes you angrier, and you wish part of that anger wasn't about you, about your lack of experience with girls. But no sooner than your gaze falls on the laughing culprit of this inappropriate prank, James is there in a whirlwind of wand movement and fury. His presence finally provokes movement in your body.
"How dare you, Malfoy," you say, moving towards him with Hugo by your side, still panting.
"Oh, Potter... it's a shame your sister was the only one in your... tribe, to miss the show," Scorpius drawled as he absently picked his perfectly manicured nails.
You're too angry to speak. James can express your rage much better. He's a Gryffindor. It's what he does. But you still feel the hot burn of shame and you wonder if he can feel it too.
"You are a disgusting excuse for humanity. Had to drag Lily into this because you're too scared to come out of that stuffy, aristocratic closet of yours- you little nancy fuck! Fucking arse licking faggo-" You stop James with a tight hand around his upper arm. He's a contradiction and a hypocrite when he speaks sometimes, heated protection with derogatory slang. It boggles your mind.
"Show's over," you say. You clear your throat and repeat yourself. People start to clear out despite James and Scorpius still glaring at each other, their hatred palpable. The rest of the students disappear and you go to touch James' shoulder and speak calmly to him.
"Let's not air our dirty laundry-"
"We have nothing to be ashamed of,” James practically spits at you and flinches out of your grasp.
"We have nothing to hide," James says as he turns to Malfoy, who looks comfortably miffed, but a little overwhelmed at the scene before him. "Lily has nothing to hide," he finishes firmly.
You're looking at James' stormy eyes when you realize that you've lost your eleven-year-old self and have become exactly like everyone else you used to hate. You're standing alone in the common room when you realise you're the exact person who would make your sister cry and you hate yourself.
She still loves you when she comes into her common room twenty minutes later and you cannot possibly understand her capacity to forgive someone like you.
<3<3<3
Lily made you cut off her ponytail. Yuor hands shook and you were afraid of the man holding the clippers behind you because you were pretty sure the man hated straight people as a rule. But you managed not to hyperventilate when the sharp steel of the scissors clipped the first few strands of her auburn hair. You almost cried as the hair fell in thick strands on the concrete. It felt monumental. You felt invincible in the sunlight with Lily's hair at your feet, the ribbon glittering in the light of the sun.
The scary man didn't look at you with so much disdain after that.
<3<3<3
You've been lying in bed for roughly an hour listening to cracks in your mother's Silencing Charms and trying to sleep, when your door opens and you smell sweet tangerines that can only mean your sister. You scoot towards the window when the bed dips. Part of you wants to speak and fill the gaps of silence between the two of you. Instead, you count the burn marks on your ceiling. The moon is bright enough to light half the room, but you're afraid to turn your head and look at her.
"If my father weren't so bloody famous, no one would care who I snogged." Her voice is scratchy and wet. What bothers you the most isn't the tears but the defeat. She's younger than you and you forget every day. You forget that sometimes she still needs to crawl into your bed and feel safe. You forget that sometimes she's not alone. Breeze billows soft through the window and you exhale with it.
"Maybe," you say. "But Grandma doesn't care about who your father is, Lils. There are just some people-"
She bites back a sob and you stop. You think about her face at the dinner table when Grandma was grilling her about finding a boyfriend, that Hogwarts was where every girl found a husband and when was she going to grow out of her silly phase. You think about Lily's red cheeks and her polite but tense words in response. You pat the space next to you until you find her hand, still tiny in yours. You think about pink ribbons and squeeze her hand until she squeezes back.
"Al," she whispers.
"Hmm?"
"This isn't fair."
You think about faerie tale princesses and handsome prince charmings, and you feel something nasty well up in your chest. You think about how the dragons look different than any fable anyone ever told you as a kid. You think about a fight at the Burrow during your seventh birthday between Uncle Charlie and Grandma. You remember the same words coming out his mouth as he held the hand of a man you can't remember very well. But you do remember how defeated he sounded and how he hasn't been back since. You imagine dragons and worlds away and know that you probably wouldn't be able to recognise Uncle Charlie on the street if you had to, only the sounds of his voice from the Floo.
"Al, stop squeezing my hand so hard."
You laugh but it falls flat and loosen your grip. You don't let go. The downstairs rattles a bit and you both know your dad is trying to keep the Privacy Charms intact while Mum and Grandma fight. You wonder if Lily thinks about what they're saying and if Mum will stop speaking to Grandma again like last time.
You finally turn your heard.
"Hey, Lils?"
"Yeah," she says when she turns her head, eyes full of tears and something that looks like broken promises.
You make a decision, with the moonlight falling over the both of you in your childhood bed. You think about moving out in a couple of months. You think about Lily, all alone at Hogwarts, and how you can't really imagine living without her bouncing around your life. You think about what Auntie Luna would say, realise you couldn't ever know for sure and take a deep breath.
"You should know that I'm not afraid of you stealing my girlfriend," you say with mock seriousness. Lily raises an eyebrow. "Well you know... not anymore anyways."
You don't think about anything but the way Lily bites her lip before she laughs, bold and free. You join her when she takes her hand away to try and smother you with your pillow. You're seventeen when you realise how strong your sister had to become to survive this long and you make a mental note to remind Lily how dreadful Romania is- just in case she forgets and gets any funny ideas.
<3<3<3
Your mouth was hanging open by the time the scary man, whom you later learned was referred to as a "leather daddy", had shaved everything off of Lily's head but a line of bangs.
"Should I keep them?"
Lily's nose was wrinkled by her squinted smile and she looked a bit frightening. She looked clean. You cleared your throat and replied, "Lily, keeping the bangs is where even I draw the line between supportive and asinine."
Her laughter was light and you relaxed in the sun. She was still Lily, just bald. Still Lily, just queer. And she hugged the man and exchanged words of thanks before she took your hand in hers. She skipped forward, pulling you into the large crowds that lined the streets of Pride. There was music and people all around them but it was hard for you to take your eyes off of her. She smiled, looking at you over her shoulder.
You thought about going home. You thought about what everyone would say.
"What?"
"Nothing," you replied, before you tugged on her hand to bring her back to you, looped your arm around her shoulder and rubbed your palm over her fuzzy head. She tilted her head back and smiled wide as they continued to walk down the cobblestone. You pressed your lips to her temple and her short hairs tickled your lips.
"You know what?"
"You're gay?"
"No," you said with a laugh. Lily settled more comfortably into your side.
"What then?"
You paused, looking at the sea of people in bright colours and even brighter passions. You closed your eyes and tilted your face towards the sun. Your thoughts turned towards princesses that were really dragons and felt victory.
"I'm just proud of you, I guess."
"Took me shaving my head?"
You shrugged. "We're not all as smart as you, Lily. Some of us need visual reminders of what's truly important and what's rubbish."
"I love you too."