Infidel
The first months outside of Section were easier than she had calculated.
While she had spent her whole life planning for her death, faked or otherwise, the latter had always been projected to be easier than the former since she was all too familiar with what hell felt like. But in the end, when the moment came, the epinephrine stayed with her long after it had restarted her heart, allowing her to dive into planning for her return to Section the moment she cleared the perimeter. When Madeline left Section, she took the walls with her.
The first months on the outside of Section were spent tunneling into Oversight and Section’s systems and avoiding thoughts of Paul. She heard the whispers of his slowly eroding powerbase, but she resisted the temptation to contact him, knowing that her best work could be done in the dark. From her projected simulations of her death, she knew that her absence would affect him tremendously, but the alternative of relocation would be far worse for them. With both of them inside but apart, they would have been undermined into extinction by their enemies and by their selves. So now, all she could do was collect data and wait for the correct moment to slide her pieces into place.
The idea of starting a new life away from Section never occurred to her. The power play that Mr. Jones and Nikita had made was no different from the one that she and Paul made against Adrian. She refused to take their silly accusations and justifications for having her relocated/cancelled personally. Section was infected but not terminally so, and she would help Paul covertly until they could both administer the antidote together. She still believed in Section; and until that changed, any attempt at starting a new life would be ultimately futile.
In the first months outside of Section, she never left.
In the sixth month outside of Section, she felt exposed.
She had always understood the cliché, “Ignorance is bliss,’ and how best to use the cliché when dealing with her subordinates and even on occasion with Paul; but she had never liked the cliché when applying it to herself. Any information, good or bad, could be used as a potent weapon in the right hands. So ignorance had never been bliss or something that she was going to miss…until now.
Regrets were essentially counterproductive, but that didn’t stop her from wishing that the capsule she had taken six months ago had not been interrupted. At least then, she would have died knowing that her life at Section had meant something other than being a placeholder for Philip’s daughter.
The thought that she was never actually in control surfaced as she calmly and methodically deleted all the information that she had collected over the past months. There was no Section left for her to help Paul save, there probably was never one to begin with.
The idea that the institution that she had served so loyally and faithfully was nothing more than one man’s playground for his daughter rattled her. Because she should have been able to predict this outcome, because she asked for so little in return from Section, because this wasn’t a power play aimed at dislodging her and Paul but a desecration of all that they believed in.
In the sixth month outside of Section, she lost her faith.
In the ninth month outside of Section, she was resigned.
Since she had discovered Philip’s manipulation and subsequent invalidation of everything she and Paul had given to Section, Madeline thought a lot about the gun hidden in the closet. Her death, Philip’s death, Nikita’s death all realistic and logical outcomes with the gun hidden in the closet. Her death was a given. She was already dead, and now, she was just going through the motions. Philip’s death would bring her little satisfaction and do little to balance out the scales
Nikita’s death would invalidate Philip’s life as much as Nikita’s life invalidated Madeline and Paul’s; but logic told her that she would never have her Section back, and Nikita’s death would just be another added to the pile of sins that she can’t be forgiven for.
She longed for Paul, as much as she could long for anything. In some childish way, she thought that his presence could save her, make Section whole again; but from her recent monitoring of Section, he seemed to be doing worse than her. In reality, she should have stopped monitoring Section months ago, since now her constant vigil of Section only seemed to add another dimension to the hell that she was living. Yet, despite this, she kept watching and waiting.
Paul’s recent plane crash alerted her to the fact that soon she would have to make a decision about his life. her life. She had cards to play with either organization, but she kept asking herself at 'what point do you fold?'
In the ninth month outside of Section, she saved him because she couldn’t save herself.
In the twelfth month outside of Section, she feels trapped.
“Am I dead?” Paul’s question startles her.
Were we ever alive?
Turning to face him, Madeline takes in his ruffled appearance before answering.
According to his doctors, he should still be in resting peacefully in his coma. Of course, these were the same doctors who declared that he would never survive his injuries. This time when they told her that he would not live, she refrained from threatening them, willing to submit to the fact that every thing she believed in would ultimately die.
He looks at her as though he doesn’t quite believe her and starts to speak before he stops and heads back to his room. When he has left the room, she turns her gaze back to her garden. The salty air will always prevent her plants from reaching their true potential. She wants to care about that.
The month since he woke up from his coma drags on slowly. They play chess and talk only about the weather. The rest of the time is filled with silence composed of hurt, anger, self-loathing. They can’t talk about their past because most of it means nothing now. They can’t talk about his time on the inside or her time on the outside because he will get angry when she has no answers to give him. They can’t talk about their future because they are not sure that they have one together or if they have a future at all.
One day, after he has finally beaten her at chess, he breaks their silence.
“You know, Quinn made a hologram of you.” Madeline, of course, already knows this, knows why Quinn created a doppelganger of herself, and knows that she would have done the same in Quinn’s place if she was still the person she was in a life that she can’t let go of, but can’t go back to either.
“I knew that the hologram was a fake, but I wanted to believe that it was you so desperately. Of course, that illusion was shattered when your counterpart started making disastrous decisions... I felt guilty for weeks for deleting your program as though I had killed you myself. Quinn said she made it so I could get over you, that you were holding me back,” but you were really holding me up, goes unsaid between them.
In that moment, Madeline wants to confess all the things that she has left unspoken between them for reasons of decorum, of weakness, of past; but she knows that they are too broken and she is not ready to feel anything. So she simply says, “Maybe, Quinn was right,” before walking out of the room.
In the twelfth month outside of Section, she knows what hell really feels like.
In the thirty sixth month outside of Section, she is logical about illogical things.
It has been two years since he came out his coma, but they are both still dormant. They can talk about things besides the weather now, but certain subjects still remain forbidden. He doesn’t ask about her time on the outside and she doesn’t ask about his fall from grace. When they talk about Section, they only talk about their time under Adrian.
They still cannot talk about their future.
Madeline still has the capacity to monitor Section and she still has the capacity to predict that in less than a year Nikita’s tenure as Operations will end. She doesn’t tell Paul any of this, in fear that he would want to take it back over. In fear, that he still believes in Section, when she can’t. She knows that things cannot stay the way that they are forever. Eventually, gravity will demand that a choice be made.
When she gardens, she runs simulations in her head to answer the question, “Does he resent the fact that I saved his life only to make him suffer here with me?” Forty three percent of the time she answers that question with a “No.” Fifty two percent of the time she answers the question with a “Yes.” The other five percent of the time she doesn’t know or doesn’t care. She has not run the simulations to determine if the last five percent is ignorance or indifference, yet.
She finds out the answer to her original question when she finds him in her office after returning from her afternoon of gardening.
“So you are eighty percent certain that Nikita will fail as Operations within the year. Why does she have a twenty percent chance of survival?” Paul asks calmly.
“With the Sections’ diminished ability to counteract terrorism, the Collective is having a hard time keep all of its factions in line. Without the Sections posing as serious threats to the Collective, the factions within the Collective will start to break apart in self-interest. The fracturing of the Collective would buy Nikita another six months tops.”
“So a year and a half at most, and Philip’s little experiment will be over?”
Madeline wants to answer that in a year and a half, she will still not be ready to believe in Section again, but she answers yes anyways.
“Well, that is nice to know. Of course, knowing the imbeciles they have at Center, they will replace her with someone just as inept. Good riddance.”
In the thirty sixth month outside of Section, she feels free.
While she had spent her whole life planning for her death, faked or otherwise, the latter had always been projected to be easier than the former since she was all too familiar with what hell felt like. But in the end, when the moment came, the epinephrine stayed with her long after it had restarted her heart, allowing her to dive into planning for her return to Section the moment she cleared the perimeter. When Madeline left Section, she took the walls with her.
The first months on the outside of Section were spent tunneling into Oversight and Section’s systems and avoiding thoughts of Paul. She heard the whispers of his slowly eroding powerbase, but she resisted the temptation to contact him, knowing that her best work could be done in the dark. From her projected simulations of her death, she knew that her absence would affect him tremendously, but the alternative of relocation would be far worse for them. With both of them inside but apart, they would have been undermined into extinction by their enemies and by their selves. So now, all she could do was collect data and wait for the correct moment to slide her pieces into place.
The idea of starting a new life away from Section never occurred to her. The power play that Mr. Jones and Nikita had made was no different from the one that she and Paul made against Adrian. She refused to take their silly accusations and justifications for having her relocated/cancelled personally. Section was infected but not terminally so, and she would help Paul covertly until they could both administer the antidote together. She still believed in Section; and until that changed, any attempt at starting a new life would be ultimately futile.
In the first months outside of Section, she never left.
In the sixth month outside of Section, she felt exposed.
She had always understood the cliché, “Ignorance is bliss,’ and how best to use the cliché when dealing with her subordinates and even on occasion with Paul; but she had never liked the cliché when applying it to herself. Any information, good or bad, could be used as a potent weapon in the right hands. So ignorance had never been bliss or something that she was going to miss…until now.
Regrets were essentially counterproductive, but that didn’t stop her from wishing that the capsule she had taken six months ago had not been interrupted. At least then, she would have died knowing that her life at Section had meant something other than being a placeholder for Philip’s daughter.
The thought that she was never actually in control surfaced as she calmly and methodically deleted all the information that she had collected over the past months. There was no Section left for her to help Paul save, there probably was never one to begin with.
The idea that the institution that she had served so loyally and faithfully was nothing more than one man’s playground for his daughter rattled her. Because she should have been able to predict this outcome, because she asked for so little in return from Section, because this wasn’t a power play aimed at dislodging her and Paul but a desecration of all that they believed in.
In the sixth month outside of Section, she lost her faith.
In the ninth month outside of Section, she was resigned.
Since she had discovered Philip’s manipulation and subsequent invalidation of everything she and Paul had given to Section, Madeline thought a lot about the gun hidden in the closet. Her death, Philip’s death, Nikita’s death all realistic and logical outcomes with the gun hidden in the closet. Her death was a given. She was already dead, and now, she was just going through the motions. Philip’s death would bring her little satisfaction and do little to balance out the scales
Nikita’s death would invalidate Philip’s life as much as Nikita’s life invalidated Madeline and Paul’s; but logic told her that she would never have her Section back, and Nikita’s death would just be another added to the pile of sins that she can’t be forgiven for.
She longed for Paul, as much as she could long for anything. In some childish way, she thought that his presence could save her, make Section whole again; but from her recent monitoring of Section, he seemed to be doing worse than her. In reality, she should have stopped monitoring Section months ago, since now her constant vigil of Section only seemed to add another dimension to the hell that she was living. Yet, despite this, she kept watching and waiting.
Paul’s recent plane crash alerted her to the fact that soon she would have to make a decision about his life. her life. She had cards to play with either organization, but she kept asking herself at 'what point do you fold?'
In the ninth month outside of Section, she saved him because she couldn’t save herself.
In the twelfth month outside of Section, she feels trapped.
“Am I dead?” Paul’s question startles her.
Were we ever alive?
Turning to face him, Madeline takes in his ruffled appearance before answering.
According to his doctors, he should still be in resting peacefully in his coma. Of course, these were the same doctors who declared that he would never survive his injuries. This time when they told her that he would not live, she refrained from threatening them, willing to submit to the fact that every thing she believed in would ultimately die.
He looks at her as though he doesn’t quite believe her and starts to speak before he stops and heads back to his room. When he has left the room, she turns her gaze back to her garden. The salty air will always prevent her plants from reaching their true potential. She wants to care about that.
The month since he woke up from his coma drags on slowly. They play chess and talk only about the weather. The rest of the time is filled with silence composed of hurt, anger, self-loathing. They can’t talk about their past because most of it means nothing now. They can’t talk about his time on the inside or her time on the outside because he will get angry when she has no answers to give him. They can’t talk about their future because they are not sure that they have one together or if they have a future at all.
One day, after he has finally beaten her at chess, he breaks their silence.
“You know, Quinn made a hologram of you.” Madeline, of course, already knows this, knows why Quinn created a doppelganger of herself, and knows that she would have done the same in Quinn’s place if she was still the person she was in a life that she can’t let go of, but can’t go back to either.
“I knew that the hologram was a fake, but I wanted to believe that it was you so desperately. Of course, that illusion was shattered when your counterpart started making disastrous decisions... I felt guilty for weeks for deleting your program as though I had killed you myself. Quinn said she made it so I could get over you, that you were holding me back,” but you were really holding me up, goes unsaid between them.
In that moment, Madeline wants to confess all the things that she has left unspoken between them for reasons of decorum, of weakness, of past; but she knows that they are too broken and she is not ready to feel anything. So she simply says, “Maybe, Quinn was right,” before walking out of the room.
In the twelfth month outside of Section, she knows what hell really feels like.
In the thirty sixth month outside of Section, she is logical about illogical things.
It has been two years since he came out his coma, but they are both still dormant. They can talk about things besides the weather now, but certain subjects still remain forbidden. He doesn’t ask about her time on the outside and she doesn’t ask about his fall from grace. When they talk about Section, they only talk about their time under Adrian.
They still cannot talk about their future.
Madeline still has the capacity to monitor Section and she still has the capacity to predict that in less than a year Nikita’s tenure as Operations will end. She doesn’t tell Paul any of this, in fear that he would want to take it back over. In fear, that he still believes in Section, when she can’t. She knows that things cannot stay the way that they are forever. Eventually, gravity will demand that a choice be made.
When she gardens, she runs simulations in her head to answer the question, “Does he resent the fact that I saved his life only to make him suffer here with me?” Forty three percent of the time she answers that question with a “No.” Fifty two percent of the time she answers the question with a “Yes.” The other five percent of the time she doesn’t know or doesn’t care. She has not run the simulations to determine if the last five percent is ignorance or indifference, yet.
She finds out the answer to her original question when she finds him in her office after returning from her afternoon of gardening.
“So you are eighty percent certain that Nikita will fail as Operations within the year. Why does she have a twenty percent chance of survival?” Paul asks calmly.
“With the Sections’ diminished ability to counteract terrorism, the Collective is having a hard time keep all of its factions in line. Without the Sections posing as serious threats to the Collective, the factions within the Collective will start to break apart in self-interest. The fracturing of the Collective would buy Nikita another six months tops.”
“So a year and a half at most, and Philip’s little experiment will be over?”
Madeline wants to answer that in a year and a half, she will still not be ready to believe in Section again, but she answers yes anyways.
“Well, that is nice to know. Of course, knowing the imbeciles they have at Center, they will replace her with someone just as inept. Good riddance.”
In the thirty sixth month outside of Section, she feels free.