Friends
As she uttered the words, "we are still friends, right?" I felt myself trying desperately to freeze my face so that it wouldn't flinch or react in any other way. Was she kidding me? I took a breath and successfully stopped myself from uttering the words "What fucking grade of school are we in?"
Instead, I lied. "Of course, we are." I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want a showdown that would make my life more difficult than it already is. I felt anger well up inside to the point where I could feel my body temperature rise. "Good, I'm glad. I feel the same way." She was clearly lying, too. It was a full and total act of manipulation.
Twenty-four hours later, I still feel angry... and disgusted... and sad.
But it's par for the course, actually. As I look around the landscape of my life, I don't see any actual friends. That's not a self-pitying statement, nor is it a call for a flurry of "I'm sorry" or "Hugs" comments from the people who will read this. It's fact, and that's how my life is rolling these days. It would be more accurate to call the people in my life "interested parties"; people who benefit from contact with me, whether it be because of a need for a favor, or a chance to be on my radio show, or just to be able to say that they know a semi-famous guy. They're friendly, which I appreciate. But there's no honest connection. I'm not part of their lives, and vice versa. We just sorta drift in and out of each other's space on an as-needed basis.
I am as much a part of this situation as they are. My walls of distrust are pretty high right now. I'm cloaked in work, for the most part. It feeds me when people cannot or do not. I have my man, thank goodness. I'd be in pieces on the ground without him. But when he's not around, I'm alone and on my own. I see the people at work and that's about it. I spend more time talking with my boss than almost anyone else. He's an exceedingly patient guy. Sometimes, I wonder if he thinks I'm a big loser or a nag. Fortunately, he always greets my ramblings with a welcoming smile.
As I look at getting on a plane to Wales tomorrow night, I'm carrying these thoughts with me. I want to change my world. I'll strive to change my world. But I wonder if I can shake off the cynicism and lack-of-trust that will allow me.
Onward, right? :)
Instead, I lied. "Of course, we are." I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want a showdown that would make my life more difficult than it already is. I felt anger well up inside to the point where I could feel my body temperature rise. "Good, I'm glad. I feel the same way." She was clearly lying, too. It was a full and total act of manipulation.
Twenty-four hours later, I still feel angry... and disgusted... and sad.
But it's par for the course, actually. As I look around the landscape of my life, I don't see any actual friends. That's not a self-pitying statement, nor is it a call for a flurry of "I'm sorry" or "Hugs" comments from the people who will read this. It's fact, and that's how my life is rolling these days. It would be more accurate to call the people in my life "interested parties"; people who benefit from contact with me, whether it be because of a need for a favor, or a chance to be on my radio show, or just to be able to say that they know a semi-famous guy. They're friendly, which I appreciate. But there's no honest connection. I'm not part of their lives, and vice versa. We just sorta drift in and out of each other's space on an as-needed basis.
I am as much a part of this situation as they are. My walls of distrust are pretty high right now. I'm cloaked in work, for the most part. It feeds me when people cannot or do not. I have my man, thank goodness. I'd be in pieces on the ground without him. But when he's not around, I'm alone and on my own. I see the people at work and that's about it. I spend more time talking with my boss than almost anyone else. He's an exceedingly patient guy. Sometimes, I wonder if he thinks I'm a big loser or a nag. Fortunately, he always greets my ramblings with a welcoming smile.
As I look at getting on a plane to Wales tomorrow night, I'm carrying these thoughts with me. I want to change my world. I'll strive to change my world. But I wonder if I can shake off the cynicism and lack-of-trust that will allow me.
Onward, right? :)