Here's the deal
This is my last week as a teenager.
My new philosophy on life (aka enjoying it) doesn't seem to mesh with what I'm expected to be right now.
I DON'T check my oil every time i get into my car.
I DON'T have a job lined up a month ahead of time during an economic recession.
I CAN'T look for a job until my car works, and my car can't work until I fix it, and it can't be fixed until I'm shown how.
I don't have very much money right now, for the first time...ever. It sucks. I feel terrible. It's the first time I've honestly felt scared for my future. I can see how easy it is to slip into that cycle of low-paying jobs/not caring enough.
I want to be good at something. I'm so mediocre it kills me. I want to not care about things like that, too. I want to be well-versed, I want to be intelligent, I want to be up to date, I want to have hobbies, I want to have money, I want to have friends.
I feel like I'm flat on the pavement. Just dead. Like all my hopes are just hopes, never to grow into anything but fake memories of something I'll never have.
I need to stop drinking. Sadly, it's one of the only times I really have fun anymore.
Maybe that's a lie. I can't tell anymore.
Oh and ON top of it all I've definitely gained weight.
It's hard having a little brother in a place where all your friends are the little brothers. They were the ones looked out for.
But hey, I still have all my limbs and teeth and brain cells (hopefully) and family so I need to crack a smile and bear it.
Plus my dog is laying in bed with me and my window is open and it really has potential to be a beautiful night if I can just let it be.
After re-reading I'd like to add that the weight gain and lack of money have nothing to do with drinking. Cheap and hard liquor do not a wallet or woman break. I'll never drink beer.
My new philosophy on life (aka enjoying it) doesn't seem to mesh with what I'm expected to be right now.
I DON'T check my oil every time i get into my car.
I DON'T have a job lined up a month ahead of time during an economic recession.
I CAN'T look for a job until my car works, and my car can't work until I fix it, and it can't be fixed until I'm shown how.
I don't have very much money right now, for the first time...ever. It sucks. I feel terrible. It's the first time I've honestly felt scared for my future. I can see how easy it is to slip into that cycle of low-paying jobs/not caring enough.
I want to be good at something. I'm so mediocre it kills me. I want to not care about things like that, too. I want to be well-versed, I want to be intelligent, I want to be up to date, I want to have hobbies, I want to have money, I want to have friends.
I feel like I'm flat on the pavement. Just dead. Like all my hopes are just hopes, never to grow into anything but fake memories of something I'll never have.
I need to stop drinking. Sadly, it's one of the only times I really have fun anymore.
Maybe that's a lie. I can't tell anymore.
Oh and ON top of it all I've definitely gained weight.
It's hard having a little brother in a place where all your friends are the little brothers. They were the ones looked out for.
But hey, I still have all my limbs and teeth and brain cells (hopefully) and family so I need to crack a smile and bear it.
Plus my dog is laying in bed with me and my window is open and it really has potential to be a beautiful night if I can just let it be.
After re-reading I'd like to add that the weight gain and lack of money have nothing to do with drinking. Cheap and hard liquor do not a wallet or woman break. I'll never drink beer.