(no subject)
Venting below. It's also my first journal entry, and I have a lot to say, so beware.
Not a lot of people know about this, because I don't talk about it a lot, but my daughter, Dacia, who is 4, has been diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, which is a form of bone cancer. She's also autistic on top of that. Well, mildly. I spoil her, naturally, so I gave her a horse for Christmas, which she decided to name "Chemo." Yeah, I found that odd, too. Over the last few months, she has had trouble breathing, so she had to be on oxygen, and adding to that, she has also lost all her hair. So, she gets a few stares when we go out, and that really upsets her. I decided to see a specialist at St. Jude, which is a children's hospital that deals specifically with childhood cancer. I've been in Tennessee for the past week (I have an accent, which is Russian, but I love the way they speak down here. Anyone who has a southern accent care to trade?) because Dacia had to have surgery to relieve the pressure on her lungs, because the cancer had spread. The surgery had helped in that area, and I was relieved, but shortly after, I was criticized by a mother, who's son was dying of bone cancer. She called me a bad mother for not sitting by my daughter's bedside 24/7, and than she proceeded to tell me that I was too young to be a mother. Before I go on, here's a little backstory for you all. I was adopted into a home with 16 kids in Sparta, Greece, but I'am originally from St. Petersburg, Russia. I hate my given name. Ask, and I'll tell you what it is, because I hate typing it. My biological mother was a hooker, and that's how I was conceived (awesome, right?), so she had no choice but to give me up. I wasn't too fond of Europe, nor was I too fond of my brother's and sisters, so I moved here, to the U.S, and I now live in NYC, which I hate. After moving here, I met my now fiance, and he knocked me up when I was 15 years old, and I had a baby at 16. Thus making me 20 years old with a 4 year old. He abandoned me and my daughter, and I didn't know where he went. Whatever. I was fine with that, because than I met someone else, and got knocked up again. WAY TO GO, LEXY! I broke up with him, though, because he had a problem with putting his hands on me (and not in a good way), and then my ex came back. I held a grudge, but I soon forgave him. We're getting married in October, and I'm having twins in July. Yes, I'am prone to getting pregnant!
The lady who had criticized me for being a bad mother lost her son yesterday morning, and that scared me deeply, which in turn led me to playing 20 questions with my daughter's doctor. He was very hesitant, and I was worried about that. He advised me to take her off of chemo because the radiation was killing the new cells that she needed, and it wasn't helping. But, without the chemo, she won't make it another 5-6 months. With the chemo, she'll make it another two years, but it will be painful because of the bones protruding, and the sickness from the side effects of chemo. This was a very hard decision for me and my fiance to make, but we chose to take her off of chemo, and let her live those 5-6 months pain free.
Right now, I'm holding out for a miracle to happen. It's doubtful, since she is young, and her body is to weak to fight, but ..I'am in the denial stage as of now, so a miracle is welcomed.
Forgive my venting. I just rambeled.