Fic: Alone (1/2)
Okay guys. I haven't been writing SVU for awhile now, but I found this piece that I had almost finished, and put the last few lines on it, so that I could share it with you. Thank you for everyone that followed me into my CSI and Twilight fandoms, but for those of you die-hard SVU fans, here's something!
Title: Alone
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Dark themes, a lot of angst, self-harm through the means of another person
It was one accidental glimpse that let Olivia Benson into her world without permisson. She had taken off her scarf, thinking she was alone in her office, but the detective was there waiting for her, with a question about a warrant. She couldn't remember now what the question had been, or even what case it was regarding, but that wasn't what she'd been focusing on at the time. Olivia was not supposed to be there. It was too late to put the scarf back on; the damage was done. Olivia saw the bandages across the back of her neck.
"Ouch. What happened?" Olivia asked casually. She might have believed Alex's answer if the blonde hadn't frozen time and space before giving it.
"An accident," Alex said tersely, making quite clear that she did not wish to discuss it further.
Olivia filed the strange response away for later and asked the question she'd come down for. On her way out the door, she turned back to Alex and indicated the blonde's neck with one finger. "You should be more careful."
Alex looked up sharply. "Indeed," she acknowledged. "I will certainly think twice before removing my scarf in my assumedly empty office."
Olivia started to reply, but stopped, shaking her head. "That's not what I meant," she muttered as she left the ADA's office.
Once Olivia had closed the door behind her, Alex rubbed a hand over her face, letting out a shaky sigh, and then reached back to feather her fingertips gently across the healing wounds. Wounds that weren't only her own anymore. Olivia had just forced her to share a piece of them, and that pissed Alex off.
--
Alex rolled her head in slow circles, cracking her neck in a few places. She removed her suit jacket, folded it pristinely, and placed it on top of the bureau to her right, as she always did when she walked into this room. She stood straight, in the center of the floor, and began to unbutton her blouse. It was cathartic; a ritual. She thought of Olivia as she slipped her blouse from her shoulders, folding it and placing it on top of her suit jacket.
She had been avoiding the detective since that anticlimactic moment a week prior, when Olivia had intruded on her private life. She knew that Olivia knew she was avoiding her. She didn't care. She knew the detective was curious about the source of the wounds - she saw it in the way Olivia looked at her sometimes. Olivia had no right to be curious. Alex had not invited the detective to wonder anything about her.
Strong, slender arms reached behind her to undo the clasp of her bra, and once released, the garment slid down and off easily. It was folded and joined the growing pile of clothing on the bureau. She unzipped her suit skirt and let it fall to the floor, then stepped out of it and bent to retrieve it, following the meticulous folding procedure and adding it to the bureau. Her shoes and nylons had been removed before entering the room, so this left her standing in nothing but her panties.
Again her thoughts turned to Detective Benson, and while she divested herself of her underwear, she made a mental note to wear a high-necked sweater tomorrow instead of a scarf.
Now completely naked, Alexandra walked silently across the plush carpet and stepped up onto the base of the posts. She reached her hands above her, winding the hanging chains around her wrists and fisting the excess links to keep her steady. She never used the whole hour she paid for. What she needed would take a lifetime, but ten minutes a week was all her body could withstand.
She waited, without speaking, without moving. Even when she heard the door open and felt a familiar presence in the room, she did not speak or move. She stared straight at the wall, her only function for the moment to wait and breathe.
Absynthe moved slowly to stand behind the enigma that had been coming to her for ten minutes each week for the last few months. The woman was a jigsaw puzzle, and Absynthe couldn't put more than one or two pieces together. Every time she thought she'd figured out a connection, the pieces changed shape. She stared now at the scars on the woman's back; scars she herself had cut into that milky white skin with the kiss of her whip. Ten minutes, every week, she asked to be whipped until she bled, and for ten minutes, every week, Absynthe obliged, and was amazed at the woman's self-control. She never cried. She never asked the pro to stop. She had only screamed the first time the whip cut her, and had been practically silent ever since - every once in awhile a small whimper would escape, but nothing more. Absynthe had never met anyone like her.
Alex waited, her muscles flexed, focusing on the cadence of her breathing. She knew Absynthe was looking at her, looking at the scars, trying to figure her out. That was fine. She was good at waiting. Nobody was going to get inside her head. She didn't want understanding. She wanted pain. And after only a few more seconds, she got it.
Absynthe had gotten into a routine with this particular client - the blonde woman didn't want a warm-up. She didn't want to be eased into the sting. She didn't want sensual. So the pro made each strike of the whip slice that gorgeous porcelain apart.
--
Alex tried to cry. She tried when she was being whipped raw and bleeding, she tried on the cab ride home afterward, she tried again at bedtime, lying on her stomach with the searing heat throbbing through her back, but the tears wouldn't come. Maybe that was part of the problem. She needed a release that her mind refused to give her. Her body was ready, her heart was ready, but her mind blocked the way.
She'd always had difficulty getting to sleep, but the past week had been especially taxing, with thoughts of Olivia's intrusion stressing her out more than usual. Alex was not one to care what other people thought of her, but she found herself wondering what the detective was thinking. She didn't fool herself that Olivia believed an accident caused her wounds... so what did Olivia imagine had caused them?
The ADA didn't want pity. She desperately hoped that Olivia didn't attribute the bandages to domestic violence, which they all tried so hard to combat every day. She couldn't bear the idea of the detectives thinking she nailed perps to the wall and let a boyfriend get away with it behind the scenes. She was not a hypocrite, and she would not allow anyone to view her as such. However... short of confessing the true nature of the wounds to her co-worker, she had no way to assuage Olivia's possible notions of hypocrisy.
--
"Hey, Alex," Olivia called just as Alex was about to leave the precinct a few days later and head home... it had been a long, uncomfortable day with no victories in the courthouse, and all Alex wanted to do was sleep.
The blonde turned around, not prepared to have this conversation, but Olivia was smiling, looking rather friendly, so she primly asked, "yes, Detective?"
"We're going out for drinks, care to join us?"
The very carefully concealed hopefulness in Olivia's eyes almost made Alex want to accept the invitation. "Thank you, no," she declined politely. She had nothing to celebrate.
Olivia tried not to let her disappointment show. "Someone to get home to?" she asked casually, hoping Alex wouldn't see the question as the fishing expedition it was.
"Not that it's any of your concern," Alex said briskly, "but no. Good night, Detective." And she headed for the doors once more.
"Shit," Olivia cursed under her breath, jogging to catch up with the ADA. "Alex, wait."
Alex was most certainly not going to wait. Now Olivia sounded like she wanted to have the conversation Alex was avoiding. "I'm very tired," she said tersely by way of explanation as she ignored Olivia's request for her to wait. Unsurprisingly, Olivia caught up to her easily and fell into step beside her. "I don't want to have this conversation," she finally said frankly, for lack of an easier way to get the detective off her back.
"What conversation?"
"Don't patronize me, Olivia."
"All right, I won't." Olivia paused in her words, but kept up her long strides to stay paced beside the attorney. "Who hurt you?" She tried not to let the question sound like she thought herself Alex's avenging angel, but it came out fiercely protective anyway.
Alex knew Olivia hated to see anyone hurt, especially in a manner that could possibly be fit for an SVU case. However, she had not invited, nor did she appreciate, the concern. "I thought I just told you that I don't want to have this conversation."
"You did, but Alex--"
Alex cut her off. "I'll appreciate that you respect my privacy," she said pointedly, and she was relieved when the detective stopped walking, allowing her to retreat alone into the cold night air. She quickly hailed a cab and climbed in before Olivia could come chasing after her again.
--
The next day, Olivia invited her out for drinks again. Alex was surprised, and it might have showed briefly on her face before her cool mask slid back into place. "Thank you, no," she echoed yesterday's response.
"Come on, Counselor! You bagged two assholes today," Munch piped up from his desk, looking over at Alex. "What better way to celebrate than getting shit-faced with your wonderful and witty colleagues?"
Alex forced a smile and shook her head. "I have somewhere to be, but I appreciate the sentiment," she said to Munch, then turned on her heels and left before Olivia had the chance to corner her again.
Olivia shoved her hands in her pockets and looked at the guys. "I'll take a raincheck," she said, hoping she wasn't being overly obvious.
"Whatever you're thinking?" Elliot ventured, knowing his partner all too well. "Don't."
"What?" Olivia asked, yanking her hands out of her pockets and grabbing her coat, skulking past Elliot on her way out the doors.
Elliot watched her go, shaking his head. He would have nothing to do with that situation.
--
Alex was quite unaware of a pair of deep brown eyes watching her walk into the building, and unaware of those same eyes on her when she walked back out.
Chapter Two
Olivia walked into Alex's office without knocking and closed the door behind her. Alex looked up questioningly, one eyebrow lifted, at the intrusion. She said nothing, just watched Olivia walk toward her and produce an array of photographs from her jacket pocket. Her eyes widened in shock and anger as the photographs were laid in front of her one at a time, until she was staring at five familiar pictures... one more familiar than the rest.
Olivia spoke quietly, trying to contain her anger and frustration. "Which one of them hurts you?" she asked, her brown eyes ablaze as she stared hard at Alex.
Alex snapped her head up, her features twisted into a snarl the likes of which Olivia had never seen from her. "Get out." Olivia didn't move, and Alex stood from her desk, walking around it to stand toe-to-toe with the detective. "Get out!"
"Alex, I just want to--"
Alex interrupted her with a fierce slap across the face, Olivia's head jerking to the side from the sheer force of it. "GET OUT!" the ADA screamed.
The unexpected and unwelcome sting of tears welled in Olivia's eyes as she backed toward the door and slipped out of the room, inexplicably wounded by the slap.
Alex noticed, but at the moment she didn't care. Who the hell did Olivia think she was, violating her personal life and privacy like that? There was no way for her to know unless she'd followed Alex to the house! And that was inexcusable. The detective was lucky that she only got a slap. Had Alex been any less refined, she would have knocked Olivia's teeth down her fucking throat. She had no right. No right! The bandaged welts on Alex's back burned with indignation as if they'd been sliced open and left to bleed out.
--
The next morning, Alex entered her office to find a vase of flowers on her desk, a note attached. She plucked the envelope from the heavy oak wood and opened it, pulling out the small card, her eyebrows furrowing as she read:
I'm sorry.
And that was all it said, in Olivia's scrawled handwriting. Alex immediately tore up the note and threw it, along with the envelope, in the trash. The flowers remained untouched on her desk.
--
Olivia slipped inside, grateful for the shelter from the cold night air, and made her way to the only piece of furniture in a lushly carpeted lobby - a small black desk. Seated on a stool behind the desk was a girl that appeared to be the receptionist, but as she got closer, Olivia realized she was one of the working girls. "I need to know who sees Alexandra Cabot," she said when she reached the girl.
The girl stiffened almost imperceptibly. "We can't give out that information."
"I'm a cop," Liv tried, flashing her badge and then tucking it back into her jacket.
"I don't care," the girl bristled. "We can't give out that information."
"Please," Olivia begged, her brown eyes betraying the confusion and despair she was feeling. Her voice broke as she said her next words... "I love her. I want to help her. I just need to know why she comes here... please."
The girl faltered, obviously a little thrown off at Olivia's sudden change of attitude, and opened her mouth to say something when a dark-haired woman spoke up from one corner of the lobby. "I see her," she offered, exhaling a puff of cigarette smoke through her nose.
The girl behind the desk snapped her head around, jaw dropped. "Absynthe!" she hissed.
Olivia ignored her, stepping up to the dark-haired woman and speaking quietly. "Is there someplace we can talk?"
"It won't do any good, I don't know why she comes here," Absynthe answered, giving a slight shake of her head.
Olivia's eyes widened slightly. "You don't know?"
Absynthe snorted, crushing out her cigarette in an ashtray on the windowsill beside her. "Does a bartender know why all his customers drink?" She shrugged, shaking her head again. "No. Some tell, some don't."
"Well why would someone usually come to you for what Alex does?"
"There is no 'usually'. I don't have a checklist, it's not that simple. But if I had to take a guess, I'd say she's looking for absolution from guilt."
"Why would you say that?"
Absynthe regarded Olivia as if debating whether to trust her, but finally answered. "Because she doesn't cry."
"How does that make her looking to relieve guilt?"
"I said it's a guess," Absynthe reminded the detective. She shrugged and continued. "If she liked the pain, she'd be moaning all over the place. If she was exploring her sexuality, she would have started with something mild. If she was being forced to come here, she'd cry. If she had something to prove, she would have come only once."
"I thought you didn't have a checklist," Olivia said dryly, not liking the professional's guess. What could Alex possibly feel *that* guilty about?
"Don't be jealous just because I've seen her naked," Absynthe teased back, clearly having one up on Olivia if they were going to play that game.
That completely knocked the wind out of the detective's sails and she visibly deflated. "That was a really cheap shot."
"That's how I like my shots, Officer. Cheap and easy."
"Actually, it's Detective," Olivia corrected automatically, before she could tell herself that it really didn't matter in this situation.
"Whatever," Absynthe rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively.
"All right, well thank you for your time," Liv said sincerely, turning to leave.
"Hey, Detective? Good luck. I'm not in a position to ask questions, but you are." After a moment's pause, she added, "it might be good if she knew you loved her."
Olivia could not just walk up to Alex and say I love you, so she tried flowers again.
--
There were more flowers on her desk the next morning. She almost threw away the note without reading it, but curiosity got the better of her. This time, in Olivia's handwriting, three words stared back at her from the stark whiteness of the note card, in bold black ink.
I love you.
The ADA's eyes went wide, an uncontrollable fury rising inside her, overpowering the acute sense of fear those words inspired. Her hands shook as she strode out of her office, into the elevator, and then into the precinct. She barely noticed the guys looking at her, alarmed. She was focused only on Olivia. As she approached the detective's desk, Olivia turned to look at her just in time to be hit in the face with the flying note card.
"How DARE you?!" Alex screamed at her, unmindful of their captive audience. Even the shocked and hurt expression on Olivia's face did not deter her. "How DARE you say that to me?! You STAY OUT of my personal life, Detective Benson!" She couldn't remember the last time she had spoken so harshly to anyone. But this was fight or flight, and she had nowhere to run. "I did not invite you into it and I DON'T WANT YOU THERE! I don't want ANYONE there, do you hear me?!"
Olivia couldn't answer. First of all, she didn't think Alex would let her get a word in without slapping her again. And secondly, she was afraid she'd choke up and start crying if she had to say anything right then. Alex's rejection hurt more than she cared to acknowledge. Why was the ADA fighting so hard?
All four detectives stared after their ADA as she stormed out of the squad room. No one said anything for a long time. Even Munch refrained from making a sarcastic comment. Finally, Elliot moved over to his partner and asked quietly, "you okay?"
Olivia snorted derisively, but not at Elliot. "Not really," she admitted.
"Can I ask what you said to her?" El ventured carefully.
Liv tried to laugh away the tears in her eyes as she picked up the crumpled note card and handed it to him.
Elliot exhaled loudly through his nose as he read the card. He was quiet for several minutes, just sitting with his partner in comfortable silence, and finally he handed the card back to her and whispered, "she doesn't know what she's missing, Liv."
It was the one thing Elliot could have possibly said to make her tears spill over, and at the same time, the one thing he could have said to make her laugh. She stood up and punched him in the arm. "Jesus, El. Why can't you be an asshole?"
And they were back to normal.
--
Alex, however, was far from normal. She was pacing her office, talking to herself, starting to regret what she had just done. Sort of. Mostly. She wouldn't be starting to regret it if that damn hurt look hadn't appeared on Olivia's beautiful, strong face. She didn't like seeing Olivia look vulnerable like that, it threw off the balance of the universe. That look also made it harder to dismiss Olivia's declaration of love as a joke or an insincere sentiment at best. And impossible to dismiss it at worst. Suddenly she stopped, in the middle of her office, and shook her head. "No. It's not my problem," she said aloud, and that seemed to satisfy her psyche for the moment, because she was able to sit down and get to work.
For about five minutes, until her conscience started gnawing at her again. "Shit!" She slammed down her pen and picked up the phone, dialing information to get the number of the local florist.
--
Olivia came back from lunch to find flowers on her desk. Her heart skipped a beat as she draped her coat over the back of her chair and sat down, glancing around to make sure no one was watching her before she took the envelope from the vase and opened it, her pulse pounding in her ears.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't Alex's handwriting, it was obviously typed at the flower shop, but the thought was there, and she smiled as she leaned forward to smell the flowers. They were beautiful... elegant, sophisticated. To anyone who knew Alex even a little bit, it would be immediately apparent that she had chosen the arrangement.
Liv wasn't sure if she'd be welcomed or not, but she went to Alex's office anyway and slipped inside, closing the door quietly behind her. When Alex looked up, she caught her eye and smiled hesitantly, tapping the card against her palm in a nervous manner she wasn't aware of. "Thank you," she finally managed to say. "They're beautiful." She idly noticed that Alex hadn't thrown away either of the boquets she'd sent.
"You're welcome," Alex said quietly.
Olivia thought she heard a note of resignation in the attorney's voice... if not resigned to having Olivia in her life, then at least to having her in her office. Most likely not for long, though, in light of what she had to say next. "I have a confession to make."
"Do I want to hear this?"
"Probably not. But I have to say it anyway." If she ever hoped to forge any kind of bond with Alex, she didn't want her talk with Absynthe hanging over her head. "I went and talked to Absynthe."
Alex's blood ran cold. "You what?"
There was venom in that voice, and Olivia could feel the sting. "I just wanted to help you," she said weakly, sensing that her confession was only going to augment the wall between them.
"I didn't ask for your help, Olivia," Alex said, her voice still icy calm.
"It's been my experience that the people who don't ask for help are the ones who need it the most," Liv whispered.
Alex regarded her carefully, taking her time, trying to quell the rising tide of her anger. "I'm not one of your special victims."
"No, you're not," Olivia replied, finding it hard to breathe. "I wanted you to be something else."
Panic swelled in Alex's chest. "I can't," she said quickly, suddenly needing Olivia out of her office.
Olivia nodded, easily detecting Alex's surfacing panic, and turned to leave before she pushed too far.
Once the door closed behind Olivia, Alex forced herself off the panic track and focused on the brief she needed to write.
Chapter Three
Olivia and the guys kept inviting her out every time they went for drinks. The hopeful look in Olivia's eyes every time was starting to wear on her resolve. Finally, after a very long day, Munch caught her in a moment of weakness, and she agreed to go with the squad to Chauncey's.
Olivia heard Alex accept the invitation and she almost put her arm in the wrong sleeve of her coat. She didn't allow herself to get too happy, though. Alex could always change her mind and not show up. Damnit, she *did* put her arm in the wrong sleeve! Thank God no one was paying attention, and she yanked it off and fixed it.
For just a moment, watching Olivia struggle with her jacket when the detective thought no one was looking, Alex smiled. As soon as the warm feeling spread through her chest, though, it disappeared. Reality was too hard to escape. She shouldn't have accepted the invitation to Chauncey's. She should really back out of it and just go home. But Olivia turned and smiled at her, and her heart beat faster. Oh, that was something not good.
--
Alex told herself she would only have one or two drinks, just to take the edge off. Being around Olivia definitely had her on edge. Unfortunately, two beers relaxed her quite a bit, and when Fin ordered a round of whiskey shots for everyone, Alex didn't pass it up. From there, things went downhill fast. She didn't know how many drinks she'd had, only that she'd had a lot, and her vision was cloudy, her brain felt heavy and fuzzy, and suddenly she was dodging a flying fist. Woah. What was going on? She fought back, connecting with something, and she vaguely heard a yell before she was thrown backwards and stumbled into a wall, a sharp pain radiating through her back.
"Alex!" Olivia called, jumping up from the table when she saw someone take a swing at the ADA and send her up against a wall. She was at her side in a split second, as Alex doubled over and started to fall to the ground. Liv caught her, quickly slinging one of Alex's arms around her shoulders and intending to help her back to the table.
"Get off me, I'm fine!" Alex barked, alcohol slurring her words.
Olivia hadn't realized how much Alex had to drink. As the blonde twisted away from her, she caught sight of a few horizontal lines of crimson seeping through Alex's suit jacket. "Alex you're not fine, you're bleeding," she said, her brows furrowed in concern.
"Shit," Alex cursed under her breath. "Can you get me out'v here?" Even drunk, she had the presence of mind to be secretive about her injuries. Since Olivia already knew about them, there was no point beating around the bush.
Olivia expertly hid the fact that her breath caught at the request, and just nodded smoothly, leading the way back to their table and gathering their things. She put Alex in front of her, so the guys wouldn't see the blood on their way out.
Alex was no help, so Olivia hailed a cab on her own and took off her jacket, wrapping it around Alex's shoulders to shield her back from any contact with the dirty cab seats. Alex noticed the gesture, but wouldn't process it or realize why Olivia did it until much later. She was practically passed out in the cab.
Liv couldn't get Alex's address out of her, but there was no way she was taking the ADA to her apartment, so she fished the blonde's driver's license from her purse and gave the cabbie the address. She would take Alex home, fix her wounds, and then go home herself. She didn't think Alex would want her there in the cool, clear, sober light of day the next morning.
Getting a half-conscious woman up to the penthouse floor of a very well-guarded building was much more difficult than it sounded. Olivia had to flash her badge just to avoid the doorman calling the police, thinking she was manhandling everyone's favorite tenant. "She's drunk," Olivia had stated flatly. "I'm a detective. I work with her, and I'm taking her upstairs, putting her to bed, and then I'll be leaving."
"Pardon me, Detective," the doorman corrected himself with a nod, opening the doors.
Olivia didn't answer him, she just hauled Alex inside and to the elevators, waiting impatiently for one to arrive. When the bell finally dinged, she started to step forward, only to be met with five or six people trying to exit. She growled under her breath, waiting for them all to disperse, and then dragged Alex in, punching the penthouse button with her knuckles.
Alex slumped against Olivia, wanting nothing more than to crawl in bed and sleep for days. "Tired," she mumbled, her forehead resting on the detective's shoulder.
Olivia had to force herself to stay upright when she felt Alex lean against her. The innocent contact sent bolts of electricity through her, which settled in a very inconvenient location. She threw the feeling aside as the elevator doors opened, and when she helped Alex out into the hall, her jaw dropped as she realized the entire floor belonged to the ADA. There was only one door at the end of the short hallway.
Alex fumbled in her purse for her keys, finally giving up and sighing, holding the purse out to Olivia, resigned to needing the detective's assistance.
Liv took the purse without comment, finding the keys easily and figuring out which one went to the apartment door. She flipped on the foyer light when they were safely inside with the door locked, and Alex threw an arm over her eyes with a groan. Smirking to herself, Olivia mastered the controls and dimmed the light.
"Which way is the bedroom? I could easily get lost in here," the detective observed, glancing around in awe. The apartment was decorated with impeccable taste... expensive furniture, original paintings on the walls, the best quality of life a person could ask for - financially, that is. There was nothing personal in the place. Not one photograph, memento, nothing. It made Olivia sad. She watched Alex stumble toward the bedroom, presumably, and followed close behind, prepared to catch her if she fell.
The bedroom was the same - beautifully and tastefully furnished, but lacking any kind of personal flair. Ornate vanity and dresser, a deep cherry wood with what looked like pure gold painted in fleur-de-lis shapes across the front of all the drawers. The bed was a four poster, made of the same cherry wood, with the same hand-painted designs in gold across the head and foot boards. A dark purple canopy hung like a veil, surrounding the four edges of the bed, as if Alex were trying to shut herself away from the rest of the world. With a wistful smile, Olivia realized that was probably exactly what she was doing. The detective's chest tightened when it dawned on her that she was about to part the veil. She wondered how many people Alex allowed in her bedroom, drunk or not.
Finally she snapped out of her reverie when she noticed Alex struggling to get out of her suit jacket. She silently stepped over and removed it for her, then helped her get her blouse unbuttoned and removed that as well. She should have been prepared for the sight that met her eyes, but she wasn't. "Alex, we prosecute people for doing this," she breathed, her throat constricting painfully as she tried to swallow.
"Only if it's forced, Olivia," Alex said wearily, slipping out of her skirt and fighting to get her nylons off and just barely succeeding.
Olivia turned away while Alex put on a pair of flannel pajama pants, but protested when the ADA reached for a tank top. "Wait, your wounds need to be cleaned first," she announced, moving smoothly into protective mode, gently taking the top from Alex's hands.
"You don't think I'm g'na let you touch--" Alex started to slur, but Olivia interrupted her.
"Yes, I do."
Alex stiffened, her eyes blazing even in her state of intoxication. "Y'know Detective, they're mine," she said possessively.
Olivia found that statement to be both confusing and enlightening at the same time. "Yes, they are. I'm not going to steal them, Alex. Will you please just lay down?"
Alex made quite a show of letting Olivia know just how much she was put-out at the idea, but she tossed the canopy open and crawled onto her bed, flopping on her stomach with a groan of appreciation. Laying down felt exquisite at the moment.
"What do you use to clean them?"
"I'o'know," Alex mumbled directly into the pillow she had faceplanted on.
"You don't know? How do you clean them, then?" she asked in surprise.
"I on't," the ADA explained articulately.
"That's great," Olivia muttered to herself, stepping into the adjoining master bathroom and rooting through the cabinets. She found a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, which was the best option she could see, so she took that and a handful of cotton balls back into the bedroom. She put them on the bed and went back for some bandages, which Alex had none of. Not even regular band-aids. "Alex. You don't have any gauze and tape?" she inquired, moving the canopy out of the way a bit more so she could sit next to the ADA on the bed.
Alex looked away from her, folding her arms beneath her head. "No. Sorry t'disappoint."
Olivia shook her head and opened the peroxide, dousing one of the cotton balls with it and setting the bottle on Alex's nightstand. "There's just two that opened, so this'll be quick," she promised, and when Alex nodded, still looking away from her, she gently cleansed the two open wounds, surprised when Alex barely even flinched.
Alex seethed quietly, but not with pain - with humiliation. She hated having Olivia see her like this, but she was too tired and drunk to do anything about it. The gentle way Olivia touched her set off alarm bells all over the place, but she shut them out of her hazy mind and just enjoyed it while it lasted. When Olivia had finished, she murmured quietly, "the guest room is down the hall to the right."
Olivia's eyebrows shot up, and she was glad Alex wasn't facing her. "Don't worry about it, I wasn't planning on staying the night," she offered.
"Why not?" came the muffled reply.
"Because I don't want you to throw me out in the morning," Olivia said, rising from the bed and twisting the cap back onto the peroxide bottle.
Alex stiffened a little at the response. She wanted to say she wouldn't do that, but it was probably true, so she swallowed an answer and just laid silently on the bed.
Liv tossed out the bloody cotton ball, put away the ones she hadn't used, along with the bottle of peroxide, and returned to Alex's side once more, picking up her tank top from the nightstand. "Here's your top..."
"Just leave it on the bed, please."
Alex's voice was hollow, and Olivia hated it... she wished there was something she could do to help the hurting woman. She set the top on the bed behind Alex, then in a split second of bravery brought on by she didn't know what, Liv walked around the bed to stand in front of the blonde, pushed the canopy veil out of the way, and leaned over her, kissing her temple. "I can't help loving you," she whispered, staring into Alex's surprised eyes for only a moment before she stood and left the room.
Taking her purse, and Alex's keys, she stepped out of the apartment, locking the deadbolt behind her and then slipping the keys through the mail slot. When she heard them clink against the floor, she called the elevator and leaned against the wall to wait for it.
Alex laid there staring blankly at the wall for a long time, sleep refusing to come despite how tired she was. Hours, she laid there, slowly regaining her sobriety, and small flashes of the night started coming back to her. Olivia making sure the guys didn't see her bleeding. Olivia taking off her own jacket in the freezing cold just so Alex's back wouldn't touch the cab's seats. Olivia being so gentle, cleaning her cuts... then kissing her on the head and saying again that she loved her. And then leaving, never taking advantage, or even thinking of taking advantage.
All of those recent memories swirled around in her head, and before she knew it was happening, she cried.
Chapter Four
Alex avoided Olivia the best she could, opting to give warrants directly to the captain, or finding a time when Olivia was out canvassing to deliver them to the rest of the squad. The few times that week that she did encounter the detective, she rushed away as quickly as possible without looking back. Once, though, she caught the heartbroken expression on Olivia's face, and she found herself again ordering flowers.
--
Olivia eyed the flowers warily. Alex had been avoiding her since the night in her apartment, which frankly she had somewhat expected, but it still stung. It had been almost a week. She sat down and picked up the card, opening it, her heart pounding as she read.
Thank you.
I hope you understand why I'm avoiding you. Please don't take it personally. You gave me a wonderful night, and I'll never forget it.
Love, Alex
Liv stared at the card long after she'd finished reading it, and then read it three more times before swiping at her eyes and standing. She understood why Alex was avoiding her, but she also didn't understand at all. If it was a wonderful night, then why was the ADA opposed to having a million more?
"Where you going, Liv?" Fin asked, looking up when Olivia headed for the precinct doors.
"Cabot's office," Olivia said as she reached the doors and pushed through them, making her way to Alex's office and listening at the door to make sure she wasn't in a meeting before she stepped in and closed the door. That was becoming a familiar routine. "I'm sorry, Alex, but I don't understand," she said, wasting no time with pleasantries, unwilling to skate around the issue. The more she skated, the thinner the ice got, and she was tired of going to bed cold and alone.
"Don't you?" Alex asked quietly, laying down her pen and carefully taking off her glasses, folding them, and setting them on her desk before looking at Olivia.
Olivia moved further into the room, standing in front of Alex's desk. "No, I don't," she repeated. "If it was wonderful, why won't you give me a chance?"
"It's not that simple," Alex started to explain, but Olivia interrupted her, tired of playing this game.
"It is that simple, Alex. Why won't you let me in?"
Alex looked shocked. "I have let you in, don't you get it? I never wanted anyone to see me like that, but I let you. I don't know how it happened, but I have let you in, Olivia. You know more of me than anyone else in this world."
Now Olivia was shocked, but not at Alex's words - at herself for not realizing how much Alex *had* let her in, how much of the very private ADA she had seen. "I'm sorry Alex," she whispered, nodding in agreement. "You're right. I didn't realize." She took a deep breath and looked up, tears clouding her vision. "I guess it's just that... the more of you I get to know, the more I want to know..."
"Why? So you can figure out the puzzle? Then what? What happens when you know everything, and you see that the picture doesn't match the one on the box? When there's nothing left to learn, and you don't like what you know... you'll break me back down and leave me in pieces."
"Alex," Olivia breathed, tears streaming down her face. "Why would I ever want to do that? Do you have any idea how long I've been in love with you?" She stepped around the desk and stood beside Alex's chair, waiting in silence until Alex finally looked up at her. "What happened to you?" she whispered, carefully bringing her palms to rest on either side of Alex's face.
"You don't want to know," Alex whispered back, her voice trembling as she allowed herself to lean into the touch.
"I do want to know," Olivia insisted, "but I'll settle for not being thrown out of your office."
Alex laughed out a sob and put her arms around Olivia's waist, squeezing tightly. "I'm sorry Olivia... I never meant to pretend you were a yo-yo... it just happened."
Olivia reveled in the opportunity to run her fingers through Alex's hair, over and over, one hand on the back of the ADA's neck, lightly holding her close. She thought she might pass out when she heard Alex's soft purr and felt lips on her stomach through her blouse. "You're avoiding the subject," she somehow managed to point out.
"Yes," Alex admitted. "Am I doing a good job?"
And Alex nibbled on her navel piercing, having managed to tug it through the space between buttons of her blouse. "You're doing an excellent job," she gasped. "But I want you to stop if you're only doing it to avoid the subject. If you don't really want--" Alex gave a firm tug on the ring, and she hissed a breath before finishing her sentence, "me..."
"There's never been a question of attraction," Alex purred, surprised at her own boldness. "Is that satisfactory enough for you to allow me to continue?" She kept her teeth wrapped around the shiny metal ring as she flicked her eyes up to Olivia's. "I didn't know you were pierced."
"Alex," Liv rumbled, close to losing control. "If you're going to kiss me, please do it on my mouth so I can kiss you back..."
"Come down here, I don't think I can handle standing right now," Alex requested, pulling Olivia down to sit straddling her lap. She just stared for several long moments, finally letting herself imagine what this beautiful woman's lips would taste like.
Olivia had imagined it a hundred times over, but she imagined it again, this time knowing it was going to be a reality as she watched Alex move her face closer. After what seemed like a lifetime, Alex kissed her. Soft, and sweet, and amazing. So amazing. The soft and sweet went away pretty quickly, but the amazing stayed. Alex's tongue pressed into her mouth, and she sucked on it, groaning at the taste. There was no way to describe it other than... Alex. Her tongue tasted like *her*. And oh God, it was incredible.
Alex had never kissed anyone quite like Olivia before. She started off slow and tentative, but as soon as she felt those pouty lips part for her tongue, that was it. Olivia had awakened a hunger in her long-buried and even longer denied.
The next thing Olivia knew, she had been hoisted onto the edge of Alex's desk, one of Alex's thighs between her legs, and the blonde's hands were tugging her blouse out of her jeans and wandering beneath the hem, rubbing her stomach and the bottom of her ribcage. She shot her hands behind her to hold herself up. Wait. This was going too fast. "Alex," she breathed heavily, her eyes threatening to roll back in her head, "I really want to do this with you... you don't know how much... but as much as you don't want to be left in pieces... I don't either."
"Please don't tell me to stop," Alex begged, curling her fingers tightly against the waistband of Olivia's jeans. She wanted to pull them down so badly.
Olivia's hips bucked involuntarily, and she threw her head back, grinding on Alex's thigh. "Believe me," she panted. "It's the last thing I want you to do... but I need to know you're not going to regret it tomorrow. Or even right afterward..."
"Do you know how long it's been since I've even gone this far?" Alex groaned, rather desperate to get in Olivia's pants at this point. "I don't just do this, Olivia. I haven't touched anyone in years. It's not an idle decision. Jesus I want to pull your pants down..." She tugged at the still-buttoned jeans to illustrate her desperation.
"And I want you to, I want you to," Olivia assured her breathlessly, starting to forget why she was protesting this in the first place. Alex's fingers clutching her pants were driving her insane. She wanted to do this just as badly as Alex did. "It's... a bed. A bed would be better!" she gasped as Alex leaned forward, wrapping insistent lips around her throat and sucking at her pulse.
"Okay," Alex gushed in between sucking Olivia's throat and trying to stop herself from unbuttoning the detective's pants. "We'll stop." Even as she said the words, she slid one hand under Olivia's shirt, crawling up her ribcage to cup her breast through her bra and squeeze. "We're stopping." Her other hand abandoned the waistband of Olivia's jeans, dropping down between her legs and fingering the seams there.
It was a good thing Olivia needed her hands to hold her up or she would have been clawing at Alex's back, and that would have ruined the mood completely. "Yes, we're stopping, because I-- ohhhhh," she groaned, arching into Alex's hands, "because I don't want my heart brok--oh fuck, that feels so good... Alex you gotta stop, Alex, Alex, Alex, fuck, Alex, fuck me... oh God, go, go, just do it--"
Alex wanted to do it, but she felt like she was taking advantage of Olivia's arousal to change her mind. "Are you sure?" she asked, lightly pinching one captive nipple and delighting in the shiver that ran through the detective.
"No I'm not sure! I want to wait but it feels so good to have you close, I want your hands on me and in me, but not if I'm going to wake up alone..."
"You think I'm good enough to knock you out during sex?" Alex teased. She had to say something funny, she had to break the mood, or she would end up fucking Olivia right there on her desk, and she knew that's not how Olivia wanted their first time to be. And after the hell Olivia had gone through to get them here, she deserved to have things go her way.
"Yeah," Olivia answered, grateful that Alex had backed off. "You almost have me knocked out touching me over my clothes. Fuck." She took a moment just to breathe, and ran a hand through her hair. Finally she looked at Alex, who hadn't actually put any space between them. "Take me out on a date, Counselor."
Alex grinned. "Fair enough, Detective. Where would you like to go?"
"The old cliche works for me... dinner and a movie?"
"Only if we see something scary enough for you to end up in my lap."
"Movies don't scare me, Counselor. You do."
Alex's smile went from cocky and amused to soft and affectionate. "You scare me too, Detective." She reached up and ran a finger down the side of Olivia's face.
Olivia closed her eyes, her nostrils flaring slightly as she inhaled a deep breath through her nose. "I won't be sitting in your lap during the movie," she exhaled, "but my hand might make a visit."
Alex's eyes closed too, her breath leaving her in a quiet rush, and she dropped her chin to her chest as she allowed her finger to stray from its path, and into Olivia's mouth.
Liv whimpered softly, closing her lips around Alex's lightly thrusting finger, letting it slide in and out as she sucked. How could having someone's finger in your mouth be so incredibly erotic?
"I thought we were stopping," Alex murmured, lifting her head to look at Olivia.
Liv groaned and reached up to take Alex's hand away. "You put it there," she reminded the blonde.
"I can't help it. You're so sexy, Liv."
It was the first time Alex had ever called her 'Liv'. She didn't know what to say. Luckily Alex seemed to notice she had rendered the detective speechless.
"You should probably get back to work, or you'll never be able to walk out of this office," she whispered, her voice on the edge of a growl. "Stabler will have to come carry you."
Olivia slid to her feet, pressing herself flush against Alex. "Now who thinks she's good enough to knock me out during sex?"
"I didn't say anything about knocking you out," Alex purred, licking Olivia's cheek with the tip of her tongue. "I said you won't be able to walk."
As much as Liv wanted Alex to fuck her into a state of pain when she tried to walk, now was not the time, and with a regretful sigh she stepped away. "Pick me up at the precinct at six?"
With a soft smile, Alex replied, "I'll be there at five fifty-five."