Fic: Memories
Title: Memories
Rating: R for subject matter
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Summary: Alex and Olivia were childhood friends, and they meet again when Alex joins the SVU team.
Warnings: References to child abuse, though no graphic descriptions. I do not condone it in any way, but it is a part of Olivia's character, and is a part of this story.
Memories
"...new ADA, Alex Cabot."
Olivia barely heard what Cragen was saying. As soon as she had looked up from her desk and seen the tall blonde in a stunning suit, memories started swirling around inside her head.
--
"I'm going to be a princess when I grow up."
"Ewww, why? I'm gonna be a sheriff and shoot bad guys." Olivia pretended to take a pair of guns from imaginary holsters, and pointed her fingers at Alex. "Pow! Pow!"
"Nooooo!" Alex squealed, ducking behind her parents' bed. "I'm not a bad guy, I'm a princess!"
"Pow! Pow! Pow!" Olivia said mercilessly, chasing Alex around the bed and standing above her, triumphant.
"Olivi-aaaaaaa!" Alex whined with a pout, staring up at her friend.
"I wasn't shooting ya, I was saving ya!" Olivia declared, puffing out her chest. "I scared off the bad guy."
"Oh," Alex said, her pout fading into a giggle. "Thanks!"
"Girls!" called a voice from the kitchen. "Lunchtime!"
--
Olivia was drawn back to the present by a gentle tap from Elliot. "Hm?" she asked, turning to look at him.
"Uh," Elliot said, giving her a strange look. "You've just been introduced to the new ADA. Might be a good idea to say hello."
"We've met before," Alex stepped in, walking to Olivia's desk and smiling almost sadly. "How have you been, Livvy?"
'Livvy?' Munch mouthed to Elliot, who shrugged and looked as surprised as anyone else.
Olivia swallowed hard, her throat suddenly dry. "I, uh..."
--
"Livvy! Livvy it hurts!"
"I know it does an I'm takin you as fast as I can, promise!" Olivia said earnestly, wading through the tall, muddy grass as quickly as a seven year old could. Especially a seven year old carrying her crying best friend, who had stepped in a gopher hole and twisted her ankle during a game of cops and robbers in the woods behind their houses. And just after that, it had started to pour rain.
"Oh no, my bracelet fell off!" Alex wailed, tears continuing to stream down her angelic little face.
Olivia gasped, stopping to carefully set Alex down in the mud while she ran back to find the bracelet. She saw the pink bracelet and snatched it up, hurrying back to Alex and picking her friend up again as the rain pelted them both mercilessly. "I got it, don't cry," she said bravely, "Yer gonna be okay, we're almost there, don't cry okay Lexie?"
"You--you found it?" Alex asked, wrapping her arms around her best friend's neck and sniffling.
"Yeah don't worry. And we'd still be best friends without it. I'd make ya another one if we lost it."
Alex sniffed again, turning her face to wipe her eyes on her shoulder. "Do you still have yours?"
"Course I do. Best friends forever."
--
"I, uh... I've been... it's good to see you," she finally breathed, blinking back tears at the nostalgia of it all.
Elliot had never seen Olivia react like that to anyone, and he felt like he was intruding on something sacred. "Well it was nice meeting you Ms. Cabot." He smiled and gave her a polite nod, then excused himself across the room for some coffee.
Munch and Fin pretty much followed suit, except they headed out to canvass a crime scene instead of over to the coffee machine.
Alex, always the observant and intuitive one, raised an eyebrow and watched them all go. She could take a hint... if not from Olivia directly, then from her co-workers at the least. "I'll let you get back to work," she said with a nod, spinning gracefully on her heel and starting to walk away.
"Lexie," Olivia called out before she could even think about what she was saying.
Alex stopped, but didn't turn around. She was afraid that if she did, she'd cry. And she had worked far too long and hard to allow that to happen here and now. She was no longer a little girl, and she wasn't a teenager in love with a ghost. She was an adult, an Assistant District Attorney, and emotions had no place in her life anymore.
Olivia had no idea what she had hoped to accomplish by halting Alex's retreat. And now in the face of a very important crossroads, she felt trapped. If she didn't say the right thing, her childhood friend was going to walk away thinking she didn't care anymore, or didn't remember. But what could she say in this situation to make things any better? "I'm hungry." Okay, so it was lacking. But it was her best bet at the moment, and at least one step up from not saying anything at all.
It was perfect. Alex laughed, the tension easing from between her shoulders as she turned back to face Olivia. "Lead the way."
--
Halfway through a very pleasant, light-hearted lunch, Olivia blurted a confession out of nowhere. "I still have my bracelet!" It was like one of those things you've been dying to say for years, and it bubbles up inside you until it has to come out, even if you're not on the subject. And they were not on the subject.
Alex's spoon paused in mid-air, soup splashing back down into her bowl as she stared at Olivia. She wasn't sure whether to be angry, touched, or both. She went with angry because it was easier, and slammed her spoon back onto the table. "Then why didn't you ever call me?"
Olivia put her fork down, tears stinging her eyes. "My mother wouldn't let me," she whispered, trying desperately not to re-live those memories.
Alex's eyes hardened. "You could have found a way."
Olivia forced her words out, her throat choked up with the threat of tears. "You know what she was like..."
Alex did know what she was like.
--
"Livvy? Where are ya?" Alex called through her best friend's house. "You were s'pos'ta meet me at the--" she stopped when she reached Olivia's bedroom and saw her curled up on the middle of the bed, facing the wall. "Oh no," she breathed, rushing over to sit next to her. "Again?" She should have known. The only reason Olivia would ever not show up to meet her was if she couldn't walk.
Olivia refused to face Alex, she just nodded, quickly swiping away her tears to keep them unseen.
Alex bit her lip, thinking of what would be best to say, and then she finally just went with her heart. "It's okay if you want to cry, Livvy... you're always brave for me. I can be brave for you."
Eight-year-old Olivia carefully rolled over with a wince, letting the tears fall as she looked up into the eyes of the most amazing friend she'd ever known. "Okay," she whispered.
"Can I hug you? Where does it hurt?"
Olivia sniffed, clutching her stomach. "My tummy. You can hug me."
--
It was hard to stay angry after memories like that. Alex deflated a bit and sighed. "I called you every day for the first six months."
Olivia stared at her hands. "I know."
"You know?"
"She always told me. After she hung up."
"Why didn't you run away, Livvy?" Alex asked, unable to shield the pain in her eyes as she looked at Olivia.
"I didn't have anyone to run with anymore."
"I'm sorry." Alex's voice wavered. "I didn't want to go."
"I know. It's not your fault."
"She told me you didn't want to talk to me. After six months I believed her."
Liv shook her head, still staring at her hands. "That was never true. Never."
Alex didn't know what to say... but she didn't feel like eating anymore, so she just sat there quietly.
"I finally ran away when I was sixteen," Olivia spoke up after a few minutes of silence. "The first thing I did was call you."
Alex couldn't hold down the strangled sob that escaped her, and she felt the bile starting to rise in her throat. "We moved again the year before."
They sat without speaking for several long minutes, and Olivia grabbed the waiter to get the check. She had to get back to work... she felt like she was drowning here. And she had a feeling Alex would welcome the same distraction.
--
After work, Olivia tried to watch tv, but her mind kept drifting to Alex, and finally she switched it off and just let the memories flood her.
--
"Eww, I hate boys."
"Me too. Except your dad."
"Yeah, my dad's cool," Alex giggled.
The screen door slammed open. "OLIVIA!"
Olivia's eyes went wide. "Go! Quick!" she said, scrambling off her bed and opening the window.
"No! I don't wanna leave you!" Alex cried, her eyes equally wide, her little brain thinking frantically. "Come with me. We'll run away!"
"No! Your parents would miss you. I can't. Go... go!"
"I love you," Alex swore as she climbed out the window. "Come over if you need me."
"Go!" Olivia hissed, terrified that her mother would make it to her room before Alex ran off, and her friend might witness whatever was about to happen.
Alex went home, praying that Olivia would be okay.
After her mother was through with her and passed out drunk, Olivia threw some snacks and clothes into her school backpack and trudged over to Alex's house like a trooper. "I'm ready to run away now."
Alex looked her friend over, not seeing any injuries. "She didn't hit you?" she asked as she led the way up to her bedroom to pack her own backpack.
"She did," Olivia said casually, following Alex up the stairs. "It's not that bad."
"Can I s--"
"No!" Liv answered before Alex even finished her sentence.
"Why not?" Alex pouted. "Maybe I can help."
Olivia blushed, shutting Alex's door behind them. "No way. She spanked me, and I don't want to show you that!"
Alex crinkled her nose in thought. "What about my mom? Do you want my mom to help?"
Olivia shook her head. "I don't want to show anyone, Lexie."
Alex nodded and finished filling her backpack. "Ok let me just tell my mom we're running away. Will we be back by morning?"
Liv nodded too. "Yeah. We have school tomorrow."
Alex opened her bedroom door. "Mommy? Me and Livvy are running away, okay? We'll be back in the morning!"
"All right dear," came Alex's mother's voice from downstairs. "Would you like to take some cookies with you?"
Olivia's eyes lit up. Alex's mom's cookies were the best!
Alex saw her friend's expression and laughed. "Yeah!" she called back, slinging her backpack over one shoulder and heading down to the kitchen.
An hour later they were deep in the woods, nestled cozily in their private treehouse. Olivia was on her sleeping bag on her stomach, propped up on her elbows flipping through a book. "Lexie this is boring. Do I have to read it? Can't you just tell me what happens?"
Alex giggled, flopping down next to her friend, on her own sleeping bag. "Of course you have to read it."
Olivia pouted. "But it's stupid and my butt hurts... pweeease?" she begged, knowing her cuteness would do her best friend in.
Alex's giggle turned into a whole laugh. It was rare that Olivia turned on the charm like that, but whenever she did, Alex was helpless against it. "Okay fine, fine!" she laughed. "But I shouldn't still be doing your book reports for you in fourth grade!"
Olivia gave her a lopsided smile and a kiss on the cheek. "I'll do the writing part, I swear."
Alex blushed and settled down to tell Olivia the main parts of the story.
--
Liv's thoughts drifted to an earlier, more pleasant memory, and she found herself grinning like a cat...
--
"Livvy Livvy I lost a toof!" Alex exclaimed, bursting out onto her front porch to hug her best friend, who was just about to knock on the screen door.
"Is that why yer talkin funny?" Olivia asked with a big, bright smile, hugging Alex back. "Nobody's gonna hear you right at school!"
Both girls were absolutely, insanely excited about their first day of Kindergarten. Olivia had come over because she was getting a ride with Alex's mom.
"I not talkin funny," Alex insisted with a pout. But then she grinned to show Olivia the missing tooth.
"I thought you were scared'a losing teeth," Olivia said, peering at the hole in her friend's mouth.
"But my daddy told me about the toof fairy."
Liv's brow furrowed in confusion. "What's that?" She adjusted her little camouflage backpack, which was nearly half as big as she was, as they started down the front steps toward the car. She had carefully picked out her outfit for the life-changing day she was sure it was going to be. Khaki cargo pants, a black long-sleeved boy's shirt, both of which she'd gotten from her neighbor on the other side when he'd outgrown them, and the piece de resistance, her super cool camo jean jacket. Her hair was scruffy and unbrushed, just the way she liked it.
Alex was the opposite of Olivia - she had a Disney Princess backpack, glittery pink, and she was in a lavender and white plaid skirt and a matching tank top, her blonde hair in two pigtails. She endeavored to explain the tooth fairy. "Well, when you lose a toof, you put it under your pillow and the toof fairy comes and takes it away, and leaves you a surprise!"
Mrs. Cabot helped the girls into the car just as Olivia frowned and said, "my mommy doesn't believe in fairies."
As she buckled Olivia's seatbelt, Mrs. C kissed her forehead. "When you lose a tooth, keep it somewhere safe until we have a sleepover, and then you can put it under your pillow at our house, angel."
Olivia's whole face lit up like it was Christmas. "Really?"
"Of course!"
"Didja hear that Lexie? I get to share your tooth fairy!"
Alex beamed. "Yay!" she exclaimed, clapping her little hands together and bouncing in her seat. "Lose one fast okay?"
When they got to school, they had free play scheduled first thing, probably so the kids could start to get to know each other while the teacher could talk with the parents. Alex and Liv put their backpacks in the same cubby, despite the tight fit, and headed over to the arts and crafts area.
"You're dressed like a boy!"
Both girls snapped their heads around to stare at the offending student. "So?" Olivia shrugged, her eyes narrowing dangerously.
"It's stupid!" the boy yelled, sticking his tongue out at them. "You're a-a bo-oy, you're a-a bo-oy," he sang in that common mocking tone kids tended to use when teasing.
Olivia was getting ready to defend herself when Alex stepped forward and shoved him backwards so hard that he fell on his butt and started crying. "You look like a girl," she announced, sticking her tongue out at him too.
All of the kids started laughing, especially Olivia, and she and Alex exchanged knowing looks as they sat down at the art table.
--
Alex was walking down memory lane as well... but the one that stuck most prominently in her mind was the most painful memory she owned. The one that haunted her constantly for the years following her separation from Olivia. The one she hadn't allowed herself to think about for so long...
--
"I don't want you to move."
They were back in their treehouse, thirteen years old, the night before Alex's family was moving away. Both of them were crying.
"I don't want to move," Alex agreed, hot tears coursing down her cheeks as she stared at her best friend.
"Who's going to carry you home if you twist your ankle?" Olivia whispered, her shoulders slightly shaking with the force of trying to suppress her tears.
"Who's going to run away with you when you can't sleep at home?"
"Who's going to push Brandon Hayes down when he says I'm dressed like a boy?"
Alex grinned a little bit, giving an anguished sort of laugh. "Who's going to scare away the robbers for me?"
"I'll never forget you Alex," Olivia choked, her voice breaking despite her bravado.
"I'll call you every day," Alex promised, taking hold of Olivia's hands.
Liv couldn't take much more of this. She squeezed Alex's hands and sighed, looking out at the night sky through one of the treehouse windows. "We have to get you home. You still have stuff to pack." She started to get up.
"Wait!" Alex called, taking her hands back and wiping her eyes with the bottom of her sleeves. "I want to give you something before I go."
"I already have the most special bracelet in the world," Olivia said, a little confused, but she stayed seated, criss-cross on the floor of the treehouse, her knees touching Alex's.
"It's not a bracelet, it's a-- a kiss," Alex said awkwardly, leaning forward to press her lips to Olivia's, soft and gentle, trembling with fear that Olivia might freak out and never want to speak to her again.
Olivia didn't know what to do. She had never been kissed before, and she'd always thought it would be a boy when it did happen, but Alex was her best friend. There was nobody else in the world that meant more to her. She closed her eyes and allowed the kiss to linger, breathing in deep, smelling Alex's strawberry shampoo. Alex's lips were so warm, and soft. It was perfect.
When they broke apart, neither girl spoke. They stared into each other's eyes for several long moments, conveying their feelings without words, until Olivia looked away. She didn't want to keep Alex any longer, that would be selfish of her.
Alex understood, and the tears that had paused during their kiss resumed a slow trail down her cheeks as she climbed down out of the treehouse and walked home.
--
The attorney was brought out of her thoughts when her cell phone rang, and she glanced at the clock - nine-thirty. Who would be calling her so late? She pulled the phone off of her coffee table and smiled at the flashing phone number on the caller ID display. Olivia. "Hey you," she flipped the phone open and spoke into it.
Olivia didn't waste any time. They'd had enough of that done for them already. "Can't get you out of my head."
Alex blushed, though she was alone in her lavish apartment. "Is a sleepover in order?"
"I think so... but I don't know where you live."
Alex gave her the address and when they were about to hang up, she asked, "hey, do you still have that My Little Pony movie?"
Olivia laughed, sitting straight up on the couch. "Probably buried under tons of other videos in the back of my closet, why?"
"I'm feeling nostalgic."
She didn't have to outright ask; Olivia knew. "I'll find it and bring it," she said before she hung up the phone.
Half an hour later, video in hand, Olivia was knocking on Alex's door. They hugged for a long time, standing in the doorway, and when they finally moved inside, Olivia waved the movie in the air. "Found it."
Alex closed and locked the door, grinning. "Should I make popcorn?"
"What good is a sleepover without popcorn?" Liv asked, grinning back at Alex as she walked over to pop the movie into the VCR. "Lucky I still had this," she informed Alex once the previews started playing. "I don't even have a VCR anymore. All DVD now, you know."
"Well thanks for finding it," Alex said, blushing slightly as she poured the microwaved popcorn into a bowl and settled down on the couch.
Olivia went to the kitchen for soda, grabbing two and then joining Alex in the living room again, sitting next to her on the sofa.
The previews ended and faded into the movie, and Alex snuggled a bit closer to Olivia, her defenses falling even further when she was close enough to smell the detective. "I missed you so much," she breathed, turning sideways to drop her forehead down onto Liv's shoulder.
Olivia took the popcorn away from Alex and put it on the coffee table with the sodas, then leaned back and put her arms around the attorney, holding her close. "I missed you too, Lexie."
"Every time your mom told me you didn't want to talk to me, I cried."
Liv squeezed her tighter. "I'm so sorry... I know it doesn't help, but you know now that that wasn't true."
Alex nodded, taking a shuddering breath, trying to get up the nerve to ask a question that was burning a hole in her heart. "Livvy, do you remember the night I--"
"Yes," Olivia interrupted, before even knowing which night Alex was referring to. "I remember every second I ever spent with you..."
That gave Alex the courage to continue with the subject, her chest swelling with affection and long-buried love. "Then you remember the night I kissed you."
"How could I forget? It was perfect," Liv whispered, her voice breaking over the last word. "Except that you were leaving the next morning."
"It was perfect?" Alex asked, lifting her head to look into Olivia's eyes. "I thought that maybe... it was the reason you didn't call me."
"Oh God no, Lexie," Olivia assured her, stroking that silky blonde hair without a second thought. "No, never... it was absolutely perfect. I'm so sorry you thought that... oh God..." She couldn't bear the idea.
Alex started to cry, and Olivia held her tighter. "Why did she do that?" she asked bitterly, unable to stop herself.
"Because she knew how much I loved you... and that I didn't love her."
"Did she hurt you a lot more? I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you..."
Olivia shrugged off the abuse, wanting to focus on things that mattered now, not back then. "I want you to know something."
"What is it?" Alex sat up and turned to fully face Olivia, crossing her legs in front of her.
Olivia followed suit, and she grinned at the fact that it was how they always sat in the treehouse. "No one has ever made me feel so much with a kiss. Compared to the memory of you... anyone else was lacking."
Alex gasped, instinctively reaching up to slide her fingers through Olivia's scruffy locks, pulling the detective toward her until their lips met once again.
Olivia closed her eyes and moaned softly, not sure what she had expected to follow her confession, but she couldn't have asked for a better response.
Several moments passed and Alex hadn't deepened the kiss, so Olivia whispered against the attorney's lips... "We're all grown up now, Lexie... give me a grown-up kiss."
Alex slowly eased her tongue out to press against Olivia's lips, which parted instantly for her, and the warm, inviting softness of the detective's mouth made her whimper.
Olivia reveled in the taste and feel of Alex's tongue, hesitantly exploring her mouth with tender licks. She groaned when Alex tightened the hold on her hair. When they finally pulled apart, she found it hard to breathe. "I've been waiting for that for twenty years," she exhaled shakily. Alex's kiss made her whole body feel vibrant, sexy, and loved, just like it had when they were thirteen. "I love you..."
"I love you too Livvy," Alex said, the emotion in her eyes overwhelming as she leaned back in for another kiss.
They kissed for a long time, and Alex only stopped the contact when Olivia's hands began to wander. "Wait," she said, pulling back to lean over and grab the remote. "I've waited too long for this... I don't want anything to ruin the mood." She switched off the My Little Pony video, then the television itself, and tossed the remote over her shoulder.
Olivia laughed and wrapped Alex in her arms, nuzzling her nose in the attorney's hair. "Don't you ever move away again," she breathed.
"Never," Alex breathed back, turning in Liv's arms to kiss her. "We've lost so much time..."
Olivia put a finger to Alex's lips, quieting her gently. "Shhh... we're here now. That's all that matters. I don't ever plan to let you go."
Alex relaxed, closing her eyes and allowing Olivia to lay her down on the sofa. "Sounds good to me," she agreed.
The pain and heartbreak of the past began to fade as the detective and the attorney made love to each other, promising forever, laughing and crying and touching, and finally falling asleep in the soft morning light of the sun.
Fin