Ok, so wow.... livejournal.... throwback from 8th grade?
Um ok. It's been a while. "A while" can barely begin to describe how long it FEELS. I leave soon. Well Ben leaves soon, so I kinda feel like I leave soon, with him, even though I'll have ten days still after he leaves. I'm actually handling everything with ease. My complete lack of close, actual friends, and abundance of superficial, "Hey how are ya?" friends is making this whole transition easier. I'm gonna miss Ben. I've broken down once already. And we weren't even really talking about it, but I couldn't handle it. Especially when he says some of the things he says. Those things that really you think "Oh JESUS, cheeseball." Sweet things. I find myself starting fights about seemingly nothing with him. I think that in the back of my head, I believe it'll make things easier if we fight. But the fight usually lasts a minute, if that and then we're fine.
I am excited about leaving. But after going to dinner last night, I can't help shake an odd feeling of regret. I miss a lot of people. Old friends. New friends. People I barely know, but I had seen practically everyday since the 9th grade... some since the 6th grade.... some since the 2nd grade.
I miss Ina. A lot. And what bothers more is I'm sure many people barely think of me any more. I feel like I'm in the back of a really big crowd. I miss Payton. I miss all of those kids who I felt little connection with, who I felt so awkward with. And even though I rarely, if ever felt like I fit in with them, they were in fact, my friends at one point.
I miss Sarah. The old her and me. Completely, utterly, different. Black and white. Night and day. Apples and oranges, if you will. I miss her... the one from the 7th grade till 10th grade. The one I felt like I could trust and talk to and feel safe with. The one who would always be able to cheer me up even if she were the reason I was down. I find myself driving by her house sometimes and feeling an odd sense of longing. For those days that we'd walk around Ghent talking about nothing and everything in between. Sure, I hated it sometimes. Those kids. The constant flow of drugs, drama, and alcohol. But for every bad thing I can find about those days, I still miss them. Odd, huh?
Those new friends. I felt like I fit in. Or at least I could have fit in. But that I was, inevitably, just in the same situation as with the old friends. Something was holding me back. I'm beginning to think it was being gay. To be honest. I was nothing more to those people. Especially (and oddly) as we got older. I was a novelty. The gay guy. Like an action figure or something. One you'd play with when you got bored. You'd always have a good time, but it wasn't an everyday thing, I mean how could it be... I was only a toy.
Anyway. It's the end of the beginning, right? UVA is going to bring a whole new batch of friends and memories and drama, and I'm sure it'll also bring drugs and sex and all that fun stuff that really makes those memories all the more.... memorable.
Uh and a kind of PS if you will--
A quote from a poet that lived a long time ago...
"The best mirror is an old friend."
--George Herbert
Quite fitting, don't you think?
I am excited about leaving. But after going to dinner last night, I can't help shake an odd feeling of regret. I miss a lot of people. Old friends. New friends. People I barely know, but I had seen practically everyday since the 9th grade... some since the 6th grade.... some since the 2nd grade.
I miss Ina. A lot. And what bothers more is I'm sure many people barely think of me any more. I feel like I'm in the back of a really big crowd. I miss Payton. I miss all of those kids who I felt little connection with, who I felt so awkward with. And even though I rarely, if ever felt like I fit in with them, they were in fact, my friends at one point.
I miss Sarah. The old her and me. Completely, utterly, different. Black and white. Night and day. Apples and oranges, if you will. I miss her... the one from the 7th grade till 10th grade. The one I felt like I could trust and talk to and feel safe with. The one who would always be able to cheer me up even if she were the reason I was down. I find myself driving by her house sometimes and feeling an odd sense of longing. For those days that we'd walk around Ghent talking about nothing and everything in between. Sure, I hated it sometimes. Those kids. The constant flow of drugs, drama, and alcohol. But for every bad thing I can find about those days, I still miss them. Odd, huh?
Those new friends. I felt like I fit in. Or at least I could have fit in. But that I was, inevitably, just in the same situation as with the old friends. Something was holding me back. I'm beginning to think it was being gay. To be honest. I was nothing more to those people. Especially (and oddly) as we got older. I was a novelty. The gay guy. Like an action figure or something. One you'd play with when you got bored. You'd always have a good time, but it wasn't an everyday thing, I mean how could it be... I was only a toy.
Anyway. It's the end of the beginning, right? UVA is going to bring a whole new batch of friends and memories and drama, and I'm sure it'll also bring drugs and sex and all that fun stuff that really makes those memories all the more.... memorable.
Uh and a kind of PS if you will--
A quote from a poet that lived a long time ago...
"The best mirror is an old friend."
--George Herbert
Quite fitting, don't you think?