I am my own worst enemy, 'cause every now and then I kick the living sh*t outta me
Nothing like going back to school to kill the emotional high of a good weekend. I've been pretty down in the dumps lately. This weekend helped to fix that some. Then today, I had to go to school and the cycle started over again. I've been having a lot of self esteem issues as of late. And writing this in my journal isn't some sort of cry for people to pay attention to me and tell me how wonderful I am. The problem is, even when people compliment me, it doesn't help my self esteem at all. Mostly because I don't believe the compliments and feel like whoever is giving them to me is just lying to make me feel better. I wish I thought highly enough of myself that I didn't feel uncomfortable when people compliment me. I like the me on the inside. I think I'm a pretty cool person. Sure, there are things I don't like. I hate that I'm so unorganized, how I don't try nearly as hard as I should in school (even though I do well, it bothers me to think of how much better I could do if I actually tried) or how I can be overly judgmental. But overall, I like the inner me. It's the outer me I don't like. I always feel like I'm too tall, or too fat, or too ugly. I know in the grand scheme of things, I am not too tall or too fat or too ugly...but in my world, that's how I feel. I hate feeling so superficial, and I wish we lived in world where appearances didn't matter. Honestly, my appearance probably wouldn't matter to me if it didn't matter to other people. I hate thinking that the way I look is keeping me from being with who I want to be with. But I can't help but think that, especially when there seems to be no other explanation. I'm sure there are plenty of guys who think I'm an awesome person but would never consider me to be more than just a friend because of the way I look. And to tell you the truth, there are plenty of guys that have been/are interested in me that I feel the same way about. I guess I can't really expect the rest of the world not to be superficial when I can't even do that myself. I'm tired of feeling so inadequate all the time. It really is draining. I think writing about this helps me out a little bit. It feels good to capture all of these negative thoughts that have been plaguing me in one coherent block.
My life lately is getting really annoying. A month or so ago, everything in my life started needing attention. My cable box kept beeping because the battery was dying. My carbon monoxide detector kept beeping because the battery died. My gas light was on. My check oil light kept beeping. My seatbelt light kept beeping because my driver's side seatbelt is broken so I have to buckle myself into the passenger's side, so it doesn't register that I'm buckled in. These are all little things, but they're little things that add up quickly and little problems that I just don't have the time to address. It's a month later, and I still haven't gotten the right battery for my T.V. Which means I'm paying for cable I can't watch. Don't get me wrong, I've made an effort to find a replacement battery. Went to like five different stores, and then gave up. I should just call the company and just ask them where to find the right battery, but I have serious issues with calling people and talking on the phone. It's so annoying. I have personality quirks that annoy even me. I guess that's one more in the negative column for me. To solve the carbon monoxide detector issue, I just took it off the wall. I'm at the point right now where my life is beeping again. My car needs oil. I have too much laundry and not enough time to take it to the laundromat. I need to clean my apartment. My tire needs air. The beeping is getting obnoxious, but I don't have the energy to stop it. I'm having that problem again where I just have so much to do that I don't know where to start and the thought of starting anywhere is overwhelming. Last time I got to this point, my mom came and helped me out. I love her so much for that. Now that her car is totaled from that a*hole crashing into her, though, she won't be able to come save the day again. I don't like being a grown up and having to tend to all of these things that need tending to. It's times like these that I feel so alone in the world. If I were married or had a significant other or any family nearby, perhaps I'd have a little bit less on my plate. I wish school would get cancelled again for one day so I could stop the beeping. Here's hoping for a blizzard.
School also gets more and more annoying everyday. Don't get me wrong, I love school and what I'm learning. It is just SO much. I know I signed up for it, so I generally don't complain. I never complain to my classmates or to my family or even to my friends really. School is the major reason why I don't have time to do all the things I need to get done in my life. Well, that's not necessarily true. It's the combination of school and work. Not a single person in my class has a job besides me. Not one. And they all tell me I'm crazy every single day for working while I'm in law school. I know I am. But I really and truly look forward to work. It's a distraction from the stress of law school. Law school seems to attract all of the type-a, blowhard jerks that I tend to avoid in the world. Beyond a handful of people, I strongly dislike basically everyone I go to school with. They all take themselves waaaay too seriously. I don't believe you get anywhere in life by being ruthless and callous, and that's what all of them are. Going to work is such a nice break from that. I work with people who are light-hearted and kind. Even when people in law school make jokes, they do it in the most condescending manner. The people are work just aren't like that. I love interacting with customers and dealing with all of the craziness they bring. It makes me forget how unpleasant the rest of my day was. Also, after going to school and having to exercise my brain all day long, anything I have to do at work just seems comparatively much less difficult. If I wanted to alleviate some of my stress, I should have quit my job a long time ago. But it just doesn't make sense to me to get rid of the one thing in my life that I actually look forward to. Which is another thing that has been getting me so down in the dumps- thinking about my job ending so soon.
I've thought a lot about transferring to another law school, but a few things have made me decide against it. First of all, I don't want to give up my scholarship. I'm going to be in enough debt when I graduate from the money I had to borrow for living expenses. I was offered great scholarships at every other school I applied to as well, but none of those schools will give scholarships to transfer students. Which means me choosing to go to Seton Hall to be close to Andrew was a $60,000 mistake. The second thing that makes me not want to transfer is the sneaking suspicion I have that the people will suck at any law school I go to. Like I said, I think that law school just tends to attract that type of personality. Third, Seton Hall is actually a damn good school. Rankings-wise, it's top tier. My LSAT scores & GPA were probably high enough for me to go to a top 20 school, but I had very strict criteria. I only wanted to go to a school that was no more than 4 hours from home and was not in a city. Turns out Seton Hall is in a city, lol, but it's not too big of a city. That left me with limited choices as far as schools go. I was waitlisted at Cornell, so I probably should've gone to Temple since it is so highly ranked, but I ruled it out because of its undesirable location. Left with the choice of either Penn State, Villanova, or Seton Hall, I went with Seton Hall. New Jersey has one of the most innovative and cutting-edge court systems in the country. Of the three schools, Seton Hall is the most renowned in this area. And that's what's most important. You are supposed to study law in the general area of the country in which you want to practice law. I want to practice in NJ or PA, so it Seton Hall is the best fit for me. Also, the professors are amazing. We have had Supreme Court justices & many other notable individuals teach here. The school is private, so it has the money to offer all sorts of wonderful programs and resources to the students. The fourth and most important reason I've decided not to transfer are the people I've met here. Though I don't like most of the people at my school, the select handful that I choose to associate with make up for the rest of them. Especially Cait. I wouldn't want to leave her behind. Also, there are the people I work with. It's bad enough that I'm no longer going to see them all the time now that the store is closing, but if I moved, I would almost certainly lose touch with them. And that just can't happen. They are too important to me now.
I'm feeling a little better now that I wrote this. And a little worse, since I just used a giant chunk of time that I should have used to do homework. Cognitive dissonance is really eating me alive these days.