I'm trying but its just so..... so.... hard
I hate arguements dang it. Because its like when your in one its hard to get some levelness and rationality in your brain and to not come off so defensive and angry. I just jump to defensiveness, I mean cause thats how I am I defend myelf and my position, I get heard. But I don't always need to. I guess some of it comes from having to jump to my own defense so much when I was in high school and all lower grades. When your getting teased your first reaction is to defend yourself and be like back off, leave me alone. I never could ignore something, I aways lashed out with a shut up. It never worked. Now it comes out another way, if you know what I mean. I never thought that stuff that happened to me in school would affect me that much later on, but it really has. And its really starting to suck. I wish it were easier to let go of stuff. Then I talk to Claire about an argument that happened in class today and I jump on her and get defensive when shes trying to help me understand and learn from it and I fel SO so bad for doing that. Because I really appreciate her helping me out and taking the time, even though I can hear it in her voice that she losing patience with me cause I'm not listening and I'm doing to her exactly what she is talking about and its not exactly fun. Which I understand why she would. I really, really wasn't trying to that to her. I just don't get how when your angry your supposed to just step back and calm your voice. I know its a good thing, but for me its like so hard and for prob a lot of people, but like I don't want to be nice or something when I'm mad, when I'm mad I dunno. Its so hard... I'm like happy and now over this and what its making me thing about I'm totally crying. I am trying, I will try, its just going to take a lot of work. I just wish I knew why , actually I do its giving me such a meltdown.... All those times I tried to defend myself against teasing and it never worked.......