Rant
The emotional rollercoaster that my hormones cause me to go through once a month makes me want to be a member of the opposite sex sometimes.
Day one and I've already gone hypersensitive over a number of silly things. Not to mention my little manic episode this morning and the fact that I've boycotted my antidepressants for the past couple of days. Even if I were fully mentally stable, I don't think I'd be able to override the effects of my biology...which equals feeling out of control to me...which ultimately sucks.
I went to dinner with my parents tonight. Mom cut me off at one point when I was talking and changed the subject back to her (not uncommon) and what came out of my mouth next was a real eyebrow-raiser. "So, we're talking about You again aren't we." Holy shit...did I really say that? Later on I went to Travis' meeting then went back to his place to watch a movie with him and Joe. They started talking about how it was bullshit that some 14-year old girl was playing in the PGA - that it was all to attract media and so on. I interpreted that as: no girl should be on a man's team for any other reason, and that she couldn't possibly have a much skill as they did. It was all for show. Yeah...well, at least after a brief argument I had the sense to shut myself up. Otherwise I may have just kept ranting and raving like the underground crazy feminist I am and someone would have had to haul me out of there kicking and screaming.
So then, Alex comes in, walks behind my chair, runs his hand across the neck of my shirt and says, "nice, lex." YOU MOTHER FUCKER. Don't you FUCKING touch me. I didn't say that, but I was pretty close. If that's not enough, next time he touches my hair as he walks by. At that point I had to get up and leave to catch a cigarette because I was thisclose to decking the little prick. He thinks he's a goddamned pimp, I swear! I'm the only girl he hasn't laid his hands on apparantly, and tonight because I was the only female there he had to act as if he had dibs on me as well. Must I wear a sign around my neck saying, "NOT A WHORE" for him to get the message? I'm not good enough for him when there are other women around, I'll be damned if I kiss his ass any other time - or EVER again after what happened in Boston. He makes me sick.
There is so much drama going around the department that it's ridiculous. I'm not even 100 percent sure that I can trust Joe anymore and that's scary. Him and Alex are having a tiff and everyone in between is feeling the effects. I'm just sick of this bullshit. I talked to Travis about it tonight and he agrees. No one is satisfied just to do what they need to and get the hell out of the program - they all feel the need to use ammunition from everyone else's personal lives to effect their academic reputation around school. That's some bullshit if you ask me. I hate the way that shit makes me feel, too. Knowing that strangling a few people would give me some measure of satisfaction doesn't make me feel too good about myself or who I am as a person. Quite frankly, it makes me feel like shit. Still, all of this petty gossip is what I'd equate to a cowardly street fight where some insecure pansy pulls a knife out on someone in the middle of a fist fight. It's cheating, it's pathetic and it's the game of a person(s) whose hasn't got the balls to face up.
That is my rant. I'm going to take my pills now, go to sleep and hope I'm a little more low-key come tomorrow morning. I hate having my fucking period.
Day one and I've already gone hypersensitive over a number of silly things. Not to mention my little manic episode this morning and the fact that I've boycotted my antidepressants for the past couple of days. Even if I were fully mentally stable, I don't think I'd be able to override the effects of my biology...which equals feeling out of control to me...which ultimately sucks.
I went to dinner with my parents tonight. Mom cut me off at one point when I was talking and changed the subject back to her (not uncommon) and what came out of my mouth next was a real eyebrow-raiser. "So, we're talking about You again aren't we." Holy shit...did I really say that? Later on I went to Travis' meeting then went back to his place to watch a movie with him and Joe. They started talking about how it was bullshit that some 14-year old girl was playing in the PGA - that it was all to attract media and so on. I interpreted that as: no girl should be on a man's team for any other reason, and that she couldn't possibly have a much skill as they did. It was all for show. Yeah...well, at least after a brief argument I had the sense to shut myself up. Otherwise I may have just kept ranting and raving like the underground crazy feminist I am and someone would have had to haul me out of there kicking and screaming.
So then, Alex comes in, walks behind my chair, runs his hand across the neck of my shirt and says, "nice, lex." YOU MOTHER FUCKER. Don't you FUCKING touch me. I didn't say that, but I was pretty close. If that's not enough, next time he touches my hair as he walks by. At that point I had to get up and leave to catch a cigarette because I was thisclose to decking the little prick. He thinks he's a goddamned pimp, I swear! I'm the only girl he hasn't laid his hands on apparantly, and tonight because I was the only female there he had to act as if he had dibs on me as well. Must I wear a sign around my neck saying, "NOT A WHORE" for him to get the message? I'm not good enough for him when there are other women around, I'll be damned if I kiss his ass any other time - or EVER again after what happened in Boston. He makes me sick.
There is so much drama going around the department that it's ridiculous. I'm not even 100 percent sure that I can trust Joe anymore and that's scary. Him and Alex are having a tiff and everyone in between is feeling the effects. I'm just sick of this bullshit. I talked to Travis about it tonight and he agrees. No one is satisfied just to do what they need to and get the hell out of the program - they all feel the need to use ammunition from everyone else's personal lives to effect their academic reputation around school. That's some bullshit if you ask me. I hate the way that shit makes me feel, too. Knowing that strangling a few people would give me some measure of satisfaction doesn't make me feel too good about myself or who I am as a person. Quite frankly, it makes me feel like shit. Still, all of this petty gossip is what I'd equate to a cowardly street fight where some insecure pansy pulls a knife out on someone in the middle of a fist fight. It's cheating, it's pathetic and it's the game of a person(s) whose hasn't got the balls to face up.
That is my rant. I'm going to take my pills now, go to sleep and hope I'm a little more low-key come tomorrow morning. I hate having my fucking period.