What Happened to Miss Independent?
So it wasn't a bad day. But it wasn't a good day either. And it makes me wonder how many of these days have passed. What percentage of my life has been spent in mediocrity?
you know what the worst part is? I feel like I am getting everything I asked for. I am writing on my new laptop. (free of charge) I have an AMAZING job that I love. I am looking at cars and apartments, getting out of debt and staying close with my loved ones.
But I don't feel better. I procrastinate at work, so my stuff won't be done and I will have to bring it home with me. Everyone kept telling me that I wouldn't be happy teaching because its not busy enough and I don't feel productive unless I am busy. Which makes sense, given my track record. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder...
Have I been driven by fear this whole time? Have I chosen a career that keeps me occupied because I haven't got anything else to focus on? What if I did have something else to focus on... would I want to give up this life of mine.
No. No, I know that's not it. I love my job for many reasons. But I am missing something. and I hate that. because it makes me vulnerable. i hate that i am missing something that i can't fulfill.
i want to come home and know that someone is waiting there, interested in how my day went.
i want to crack open a bud light and sit on the porch, watching a thunderstorm.
i want to cuddle up in an old sweatshirt and yell at the Yankees game together.
i want to fight so much that i don't even want to be around him, to feel the warmth of someone who loves me, and the safety of knowing i can trust someone.
i want to watch his face when he hates what i've cooked for dinner.
i want to have a glass of wine and cuddle up while he talks out his stresses at the end of a workday.
i want to kiss someone and know that it means something.
and i hate that. i hate all of that. i can't stand relying on other people. and to be honest, it makes me wanna stay single for the rest of my life just to spite the fact that i need someone else in order to feel fulfilled.
i dunno. i guess until then, i'll be here, filling my life with horses and fields trips.
let's hope the yankees improve my smile factor.
you know what the worst part is? I feel like I am getting everything I asked for. I am writing on my new laptop. (free of charge) I have an AMAZING job that I love. I am looking at cars and apartments, getting out of debt and staying close with my loved ones.
But I don't feel better. I procrastinate at work, so my stuff won't be done and I will have to bring it home with me. Everyone kept telling me that I wouldn't be happy teaching because its not busy enough and I don't feel productive unless I am busy. Which makes sense, given my track record. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder...
Have I been driven by fear this whole time? Have I chosen a career that keeps me occupied because I haven't got anything else to focus on? What if I did have something else to focus on... would I want to give up this life of mine.
No. No, I know that's not it. I love my job for many reasons. But I am missing something. and I hate that. because it makes me vulnerable. i hate that i am missing something that i can't fulfill.
i want to come home and know that someone is waiting there, interested in how my day went.
i want to crack open a bud light and sit on the porch, watching a thunderstorm.
i want to cuddle up in an old sweatshirt and yell at the Yankees game together.
i want to fight so much that i don't even want to be around him, to feel the warmth of someone who loves me, and the safety of knowing i can trust someone.
i want to watch his face when he hates what i've cooked for dinner.
i want to have a glass of wine and cuddle up while he talks out his stresses at the end of a workday.
i want to kiss someone and know that it means something.
and i hate that. i hate all of that. i can't stand relying on other people. and to be honest, it makes me wanna stay single for the rest of my life just to spite the fact that i need someone else in order to feel fulfilled.
i dunno. i guess until then, i'll be here, filling my life with horses and fields trips.
let's hope the yankees improve my smile factor.