The Sock war-MASH CRACKFIC!
Because Hotspur18
asked for a b-eye fic involving socks, and it was too good to turn
down. But she was nice enough to beta read it to, so thank you.
Title- The Sockwar
Author, Radarhunnihawk
rating-PG
Warnings. Its crackfic, thus characterisation went out the window. Expect Socks, Mood Slime and a lot of Silliness!
Socks. They could be considered one of the most boring yet essential things in the world. After all, they keep your feet warm in a comfortable way, can come in all sorts of colours and generally come, just like feet, in pairs. Those are the facts as the author sees them, but unfortunately, it would appear that the US Army has different ideas. At least the US army based in Korea in 1952 had different ideas.
The issues that they seem to take fault with are all three things a sock should do. Army issue socks are not comfortable, they are in fact downright itchy. To add insult to injury, they only come in one colour, khaki green, are absolutely useless at keeping your feet warm and if kept in the Swamp are not usually found in pairs.
In fact you would be lucky to locate anything in the Swamp. However one of the Swamp rats, a Surgeon called Hawkeye Pierce has been lucky enough to find a pair. This is noteworthy in itself. So noteworthy in fact I shall state it again. A Pair. Of Socks. Normally the only things that are found in pairs, in the proper sense of the word, are cards in a game of poker and surgeons.
It may be prudent at this point to mention that the other surgeon in the Swamp at this time is an amiable enough fellow called BJ Hunnicutt. BJ would rather like a pair of socks himself. Poor BJ only has one sock, a problem considering that he has two feet to attempt to keep warm.
It is at this point that the author shall let events unfold in the only way events with these two, allegedly fully grown men, can unfold.
"Those are my socks!"
"Are not!"
"You found them under my bunk, hence they are my socks!"
Okay, maybe not. Maybe the author should come up with a way to solve this dilemma.
After all, it is my story.
And as it is my story I could for all intensive purposes be a voice from above. Or Bellow, or of the still. In this case however I shall settle for being the voice of Radar's teddy bear. Who just so happens to be in the Swamp. Don't ask me why, every story needs something random in it after all.
"Hey fellers. You could mud wrestle for the socks!"
"But that would be out of character!" The doctor known as BJ protests.
"As opposed to arguing about socks when everyone knows you would have raided Frank's footlocker for clean ones by now. Please, the slasher in me wants you to mud wrestle. It brings pretty images to mind!"
"Frank's footlocker it is." BJ announces, making one disappointed slasher's bubble go pop. As it is clean socks were available in Frank's footlocker, but what did you expect from a character that starches his underwear? And so BJ now has a pair of his very own clean socks. And everything is all very well and fine. That was until BJ put the socks on. It turns out that humans and rats were not the only natives of the 4077th. (Besides Sophie the horse, Pup Pup the camp's mutt, random insects and snakes native to Korea - well, you get the point!) A new life form was discovered that day in Frank's sock, via BJ's foot. Mood Slime.
A side note about Mood Slime may be prudent here. If I was called Ford Prefect I would be now consulting a handy book called the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Unfortunately I am the wrong gender and am human, thank you very much. So I shall have to consult my imagination. Mood Slime likes to live in Clean Socks. After finding itself inhabiting The Swamp and finding that its only refuge existed in Frank's footlocker, it had set up its own camp in there. The Female of the species was pink, and the Male was green. I say was because it is now an extinct species. The tricky thing about mood slime is that once it comes into contact with a foot it becomes rather tricky to remove.
Oh well. I am sure the Swamp Rats can come up with a way to remove it.
"Oh Miss TALKING Teddy Bear. Help!"
"Why should I? You did not mud wrestle for me."
"We could have lots of angst sex instead!"
"Could we?"
"You want that removing from your foot."
"Angst sex it is!"
"Deal. Okay. The way to remove mood slime is by something only found in the tent of a head nurse."
"Huh?"
"Peroxide, you dimwits."
Oh well, whilst they try to remove mood slime complete with semi clean socks, I shall just be in the supply tent plotting in what way the angst sex shall be performed.
Title- The Sockwar
Author, Radarhunnihawk
rating-PG
Warnings. Its crackfic, thus characterisation went out the window. Expect Socks, Mood Slime and a lot of Silliness!
Socks. They could be considered one of the most boring yet essential things in the world. After all, they keep your feet warm in a comfortable way, can come in all sorts of colours and generally come, just like feet, in pairs. Those are the facts as the author sees them, but unfortunately, it would appear that the US Army has different ideas. At least the US army based in Korea in 1952 had different ideas.
The issues that they seem to take fault with are all three things a sock should do. Army issue socks are not comfortable, they are in fact downright itchy. To add insult to injury, they only come in one colour, khaki green, are absolutely useless at keeping your feet warm and if kept in the Swamp are not usually found in pairs.
In fact you would be lucky to locate anything in the Swamp. However one of the Swamp rats, a Surgeon called Hawkeye Pierce has been lucky enough to find a pair. This is noteworthy in itself. So noteworthy in fact I shall state it again. A Pair. Of Socks. Normally the only things that are found in pairs, in the proper sense of the word, are cards in a game of poker and surgeons.
It may be prudent at this point to mention that the other surgeon in the Swamp at this time is an amiable enough fellow called BJ Hunnicutt. BJ would rather like a pair of socks himself. Poor BJ only has one sock, a problem considering that he has two feet to attempt to keep warm.
It is at this point that the author shall let events unfold in the only way events with these two, allegedly fully grown men, can unfold.
"Those are my socks!"
"Are not!"
"You found them under my bunk, hence they are my socks!"
Okay, maybe not. Maybe the author should come up with a way to solve this dilemma.
After all, it is my story.
And as it is my story I could for all intensive purposes be a voice from above. Or Bellow, or of the still. In this case however I shall settle for being the voice of Radar's teddy bear. Who just so happens to be in the Swamp. Don't ask me why, every story needs something random in it after all.
"Hey fellers. You could mud wrestle for the socks!"
"But that would be out of character!" The doctor known as BJ protests.
"As opposed to arguing about socks when everyone knows you would have raided Frank's footlocker for clean ones by now. Please, the slasher in me wants you to mud wrestle. It brings pretty images to mind!"
"Frank's footlocker it is." BJ announces, making one disappointed slasher's bubble go pop. As it is clean socks were available in Frank's footlocker, but what did you expect from a character that starches his underwear? And so BJ now has a pair of his very own clean socks. And everything is all very well and fine. That was until BJ put the socks on. It turns out that humans and rats were not the only natives of the 4077th. (Besides Sophie the horse, Pup Pup the camp's mutt, random insects and snakes native to Korea - well, you get the point!) A new life form was discovered that day in Frank's sock, via BJ's foot. Mood Slime.
A side note about Mood Slime may be prudent here. If I was called Ford Prefect I would be now consulting a handy book called the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Unfortunately I am the wrong gender and am human, thank you very much. So I shall have to consult my imagination. Mood Slime likes to live in Clean Socks. After finding itself inhabiting The Swamp and finding that its only refuge existed in Frank's footlocker, it had set up its own camp in there. The Female of the species was pink, and the Male was green. I say was because it is now an extinct species. The tricky thing about mood slime is that once it comes into contact with a foot it becomes rather tricky to remove.
Oh well. I am sure the Swamp Rats can come up with a way to remove it.
"Oh Miss TALKING Teddy Bear. Help!"
"Why should I? You did not mud wrestle for me."
"We could have lots of angst sex instead!"
"Could we?"
"You want that removing from your foot."
"Angst sex it is!"
"Deal. Okay. The way to remove mood slime is by something only found in the tent of a head nurse."
"Huh?"
"Peroxide, you dimwits."
Oh well, whilst they try to remove mood slime complete with semi clean socks, I shall just be in the supply tent plotting in what way the angst sex shall be performed.