(no subject)
I was a quite child. I never cried. To clarify I should say I was incapable of making noise. I was born with collapsed vocal chords and incapable of making a sound. As I grew they eventually tightened, but I ended up developing a stutter in my speech because I would repeat the sound of my own voice, what I was finally able to hear but never could as an infant.
When I was 12 I started to drink heavily to numb the fact that my grandfather was a drunk that would beat me and my mother would do the same (minus the drinking). By the time I was 14 I had to stop because I was killing myself one day at a time. I also had become so numb to everything that I became a cutter to feel something, anything.
This past sunday a friend of mine was trying to give me ideas on distracting myself from my nightmares and she suggested making little games up to occupy my time. One that she plays is "what if", what if you could go back in time knowing what you do today, what would you change and how would it make things different. So that night and last night I thought about it and every other advice and suggestions everyone have been kind enough to share(thanks again everyone) and came to the same conclusions. I would not change anything. Every experience I have had, every choice I have made, defines me as a person.
For too long now I have let parts of myself control the whole me. I let my job and stress ruin my health because I was afraid. I now can say I was afraid of loosing cases, not only because of the harm to the children, but because of the way I thought others perceived my failures. I never asked anyone what they felt, I just assumed that I was considered less of a man, less of a person, by losing.
I have not been to work in almost 3 full months. My paid leave just ran out. It never occurred to me that the reason I have so much leave is that I didn't want to quit. No one can do my job as well as I can. I am the best and therefore irreplaceable, but there was also the underlying fear of what will happen if I return. Will my co-workers think less of me? Will opposing counsel now find weakness in me that they have never seen? Have I lost the trust of the Court and my supervisors? I assumed the worst.
I am very far from what I intended to write originally and that is I am no longer going to allow individual aspect of myself to control my life. Fear, Pride, anger(sounds like the 7 deadly sins) are all part of everyone. I need to learn to accept this and use it correctly. I have allowed these things to control my life thinking that I, as a total person, was in control.
So now I am at another crossroads in my life. I have to choose between going back to my job or doing something else. I know that it is time to leave, that is true. I will, however, leave under my own choice, with a plan, and not out of fear of going back or not going back (it is scary to decide to change careers at my age). I need the time to come up with this plan, so I will go back confident that I am making the right choice for me.
Oh I almost forgot... Thanks for the starfish.
When I was 12 I started to drink heavily to numb the fact that my grandfather was a drunk that would beat me and my mother would do the same (minus the drinking). By the time I was 14 I had to stop because I was killing myself one day at a time. I also had become so numb to everything that I became a cutter to feel something, anything.
This past sunday a friend of mine was trying to give me ideas on distracting myself from my nightmares and she suggested making little games up to occupy my time. One that she plays is "what if", what if you could go back in time knowing what you do today, what would you change and how would it make things different. So that night and last night I thought about it and every other advice and suggestions everyone have been kind enough to share(thanks again everyone) and came to the same conclusions. I would not change anything. Every experience I have had, every choice I have made, defines me as a person.
For too long now I have let parts of myself control the whole me. I let my job and stress ruin my health because I was afraid. I now can say I was afraid of loosing cases, not only because of the harm to the children, but because of the way I thought others perceived my failures. I never asked anyone what they felt, I just assumed that I was considered less of a man, less of a person, by losing.
I have not been to work in almost 3 full months. My paid leave just ran out. It never occurred to me that the reason I have so much leave is that I didn't want to quit. No one can do my job as well as I can. I am the best and therefore irreplaceable, but there was also the underlying fear of what will happen if I return. Will my co-workers think less of me? Will opposing counsel now find weakness in me that they have never seen? Have I lost the trust of the Court and my supervisors? I assumed the worst.
I am very far from what I intended to write originally and that is I am no longer going to allow individual aspect of myself to control my life. Fear, Pride, anger(sounds like the 7 deadly sins) are all part of everyone. I need to learn to accept this and use it correctly. I have allowed these things to control my life thinking that I, as a total person, was in control.
So now I am at another crossroads in my life. I have to choose between going back to my job or doing something else. I know that it is time to leave, that is true. I will, however, leave under my own choice, with a plan, and not out of fear of going back or not going back (it is scary to decide to change careers at my age). I need the time to come up with this plan, so I will go back confident that I am making the right choice for me.
Oh I almost forgot... Thanks for the starfish.