Some of my personal views
Hey journal been a long time. Lately I have been in the depths of ye old angst and anger at the world in general. Earlier this morning I just wrote up a large notepad with some of my personal views on myself and the world. It's long and I have not grammar or spell checked it so there are errors. remember these are my personal views just want to finally share some of the way I view the world. Hence there will be more of these
twnety six years. Born in the decade of the bad hairdo and the coked out rock singer. I had a childhood in a desolate small town in northwestern america. You can find it on a map but I doubt you have heard of it. I was taught my entire life to embrace people I was a loving child and my parents spoiled me when they could. My mother overprotective she held me to her bosom until the moment she died. I was twenty one home schooled because the school district wanted to slap the ADD tag on me and put me on ritalin I grew up with few decent friends. It's hard to be grow into a gay male preference in a small mostly mexican farm working town in the bowels of our country. I broke my nose the first time when I was ten. Well it was broken for me by the vicious sons of immigrant families. My education was not spared but it was also altered having a high understanding of words but no skills with numbers my mother tried to give me a proper education. It is my belief she failed. All my father ever really did for me was put me into boys scouts an experience that taught me how to be a gay slut at the young tender age of twelve. In my town there was nothing for the kids to do except go to school play sports fuck and do drugs. I did three out of the four. I popped open my first beer at 16 smoked my first joint a year later normal things right? The fact that by the age of eighteen I had slept with over fifty young boys of both Latino native and English descent was also normal right? I never had the social environment that most kids today have. Never had the social high Archy my social high Archy was paved with blood tears and cum. It was hard coming out as well I did also when I was sixteen and from that point on I was the towns pariah. Especially when I was 18 and I kissed a boy.. didn't know you could get thrown into county jail for that. I was never taught such things. I was taught to let my imagination flour spending many hours as a child waving sticks around and calling myself batman. I never understood why the kids picked on me never understood why I came home covered in my own blood six days out of the week took Sundays off to go to church where my minster molested the little Sunday school girls behind the church right before giving a sermon about how the lord loves us and is coming to take us all away to happy land if were good and don't sin. After that the entire congregation would break down speaking in tounges as if in under some strange demonic spell men who arrived pushing walkers ran around the aisles like spring roosters. Just to leave and come do it again next Sunday. When I decided that all this was fake and I had no place there I wondered my position in the world so I found paganism. Had a decent native teacher I follow to this day the spirit coyote. Real? Not too sure anymore but it's a lot easier to follow something that is inherently a trickster and fallible then something that is supposedly all knowing all seeing and all loving. If that was the case no one would suffer it's two thousand fucking eight and the lord has'nt come and he never will. Christianity is the biggest lie the worlds ever told. THERE IS NO GOD. no imaginary man coming to save your pathetic and worthless lives. No heaven or hell either what is beyond death is unknown unless your dead for thousands of years our fantasies and fears of what happens beyond our flesh ridden lives have caused countless murders all in the name of a thing that does not exist. I wish the world would come to their senses on this I wish as humans we were strong enough to stand up and take fault for our own misgivings our own mistakes instead of putting our lives in the hands of the unknown. To the man or woman who can prove to me without a doubt that there is a god.. and I don't mean using church methods or that fucking fantasy novel the bible. I mean calling down the invisible superman himself to say HI JOHN HOW ARE YOU. then Ill believe. The only reason I did not succeed at ending my own life when I was twenty and trust me I tried and not the cry for help way either I have the scars and memories to prove otherwise.. was because I had faith that some day things would look up and my depression and angst was a passing teenage phase. I knew my parents loved me they did so too much. I was twenty one years of age when cancer took my mother I was technically a man. And the world I had known until that point as fragile and torturous as it was it was also my home my parents my life. Fell apart. My evil grandmother personally saw too it and none of my mothers personal wishes for me even came close to being answered. She destroyed my mothers will and hired a lawyer to make sure that I ended up with nothing. The life my mom had tried to build for me gone the second she died on that hospital bed. Then the next year was a blur I quickly became an adult sort of. Binges of coke meth pot and any other drug even tried smoking heroin once... never shot it I loathe getting a shot of anything that way. After my entire world was finally taken after months of all of my mothers friends turning their backs to me her son and a small minded Christian town becoming a cold desolate place I moved in with my decaying father. After that didn't go well I took what I had including my abusive native American boyfriend and moved to Seattle. Where I have spent the last five years trying to find myself. So far I have failed. I have found love I know that exists the one thing I have in this life is a partner that will never turn his back on me. Sometimes I think I do not deserve him but I know I'm wrong and I would never give him up. I no longer know what to have faith in I try having faith in humanity but that is a tough battle that I sometimes wish was easier. I am lucky I have Furry a world wide network of people who are just as fucked up as I am. Trust me I have met a lot of them each one like some mental malkavian freak show complete with their own individual pain kinks and visions of themselves as walking talking animals. The only thing I ever wish is somehow being able to quell the pain each furry I know feels some become complete close minded pricks and some are the nicest yet kinkiest men and women you will ever meet. Just another subjugated group of special people all broken in some way some of their own doing most not. The only kind of humanity I hold any respect or faith for is the members of the furry fandom or the ones who are not furry who share broken souls. Our world is crying out for something that is not possible. We are a race doomed to fall because our ancestors made it that way. There is no undiscovered country left we are a race with an undying yearning to explore and unravel the mysteries of ourselves and our world and now in our present time those mysteries are slipping away and we are losing are purpose. I see it on the faces of so many people the same hidden pained look. Even with our countries possible political healing of a new leader that will never even come close to healing the scars humanity has placed on itself. I am one mind and with my own batch of problems I can not even come close to a solution other then despite my pain despite my fear and my problems. I try to be genuine in my feelings when I care for someone. I try not to let greed or the bigot ways of my father get to me in that. Of course being a sexual being I have burned many bridges in that department. But I also believe that if we as a culture were to embrace our sexual natures in a free way it would be easier to trust and love on a greater scale. But that same fear of the unknown prevents us from doing so. I am an outcast in that regard. My life is only half over and that is one of the few things that keeps me going. I try to do what I can but the skills that normal people have to get the good paying jobs I just lack. Ill keep trying ill keep living at least to the level I do now. In the hope that I will live to see our world change. The Christians may be wrong there may be no god but that by no means is the deciding factor on whether as a race we can heal and live in a world filled with peace. I dream of such a world though my version of that dream is a wild fantasy where I have fur and a tail and am in touch with the planet on a deep connected level. But that is why we have dreams wild or tame ones to keep ourselves going some of use have dreams that lead them to great things or happy lives. Some do not. I wrote this because these views have been bottled up for too long and I have many more. This is just a ripple on the surface of what my mind observes about the world and myself. All that said I only wish one thing for myself as I ever have since I moved out here since I dealt with the real kinds of humanity I wish I could be there for every single person who feels lonely every single person who feels despair. I wish I had the arms to hold a million scared individuals but I do not so I try my damnedest to always be a friend even to complete strangers and I am told that is a rarity today it may be or it may not be that does not affect what I want to do with myself. I do not wish to have control of the world I just wish to heal it to find a way to live with being a small unknown out of millions of intelligent walking fur less animals that all in some way feel just as disconnected. We cling to our relationships for some a family brings them that happiness. But for each happy family there is countless crying desperate individuals who are broken on the inside. And until I see less pain fear or ignorance in the eyes of several people I just see in my daily life I will continue to hold these beliefs and I will continue to be caring because that is all I can do.
twnety six years. Born in the decade of the bad hairdo and the coked out rock singer. I had a childhood in a desolate small town in northwestern america. You can find it on a map but I doubt you have heard of it. I was taught my entire life to embrace people I was a loving child and my parents spoiled me when they could. My mother overprotective she held me to her bosom until the moment she died. I was twenty one home schooled because the school district wanted to slap the ADD tag on me and put me on ritalin I grew up with few decent friends. It's hard to be grow into a gay male preference in a small mostly mexican farm working town in the bowels of our country. I broke my nose the first time when I was ten. Well it was broken for me by the vicious sons of immigrant families. My education was not spared but it was also altered having a high understanding of words but no skills with numbers my mother tried to give me a proper education. It is my belief she failed. All my father ever really did for me was put me into boys scouts an experience that taught me how to be a gay slut at the young tender age of twelve. In my town there was nothing for the kids to do except go to school play sports fuck and do drugs. I did three out of the four. I popped open my first beer at 16 smoked my first joint a year later normal things right? The fact that by the age of eighteen I had slept with over fifty young boys of both Latino native and English descent was also normal right? I never had the social environment that most kids today have. Never had the social high Archy my social high Archy was paved with blood tears and cum. It was hard coming out as well I did also when I was sixteen and from that point on I was the towns pariah. Especially when I was 18 and I kissed a boy.. didn't know you could get thrown into county jail for that. I was never taught such things. I was taught to let my imagination flour spending many hours as a child waving sticks around and calling myself batman. I never understood why the kids picked on me never understood why I came home covered in my own blood six days out of the week took Sundays off to go to church where my minster molested the little Sunday school girls behind the church right before giving a sermon about how the lord loves us and is coming to take us all away to happy land if were good and don't sin. After that the entire congregation would break down speaking in tounges as if in under some strange demonic spell men who arrived pushing walkers ran around the aisles like spring roosters. Just to leave and come do it again next Sunday. When I decided that all this was fake and I had no place there I wondered my position in the world so I found paganism. Had a decent native teacher I follow to this day the spirit coyote. Real? Not too sure anymore but it's a lot easier to follow something that is inherently a trickster and fallible then something that is supposedly all knowing all seeing and all loving. If that was the case no one would suffer it's two thousand fucking eight and the lord has'nt come and he never will. Christianity is the biggest lie the worlds ever told. THERE IS NO GOD. no imaginary man coming to save your pathetic and worthless lives. No heaven or hell either what is beyond death is unknown unless your dead for thousands of years our fantasies and fears of what happens beyond our flesh ridden lives have caused countless murders all in the name of a thing that does not exist. I wish the world would come to their senses on this I wish as humans we were strong enough to stand up and take fault for our own misgivings our own mistakes instead of putting our lives in the hands of the unknown. To the man or woman who can prove to me without a doubt that there is a god.. and I don't mean using church methods or that fucking fantasy novel the bible. I mean calling down the invisible superman himself to say HI JOHN HOW ARE YOU. then Ill believe. The only reason I did not succeed at ending my own life when I was twenty and trust me I tried and not the cry for help way either I have the scars and memories to prove otherwise.. was because I had faith that some day things would look up and my depression and angst was a passing teenage phase. I knew my parents loved me they did so too much. I was twenty one years of age when cancer took my mother I was technically a man. And the world I had known until that point as fragile and torturous as it was it was also my home my parents my life. Fell apart. My evil grandmother personally saw too it and none of my mothers personal wishes for me even came close to being answered. She destroyed my mothers will and hired a lawyer to make sure that I ended up with nothing. The life my mom had tried to build for me gone the second she died on that hospital bed. Then the next year was a blur I quickly became an adult sort of. Binges of coke meth pot and any other drug even tried smoking heroin once... never shot it I loathe getting a shot of anything that way. After my entire world was finally taken after months of all of my mothers friends turning their backs to me her son and a small minded Christian town becoming a cold desolate place I moved in with my decaying father. After that didn't go well I took what I had including my abusive native American boyfriend and moved to Seattle. Where I have spent the last five years trying to find myself. So far I have failed. I have found love I know that exists the one thing I have in this life is a partner that will never turn his back on me. Sometimes I think I do not deserve him but I know I'm wrong and I would never give him up. I no longer know what to have faith in I try having faith in humanity but that is a tough battle that I sometimes wish was easier. I am lucky I have Furry a world wide network of people who are just as fucked up as I am. Trust me I have met a lot of them each one like some mental malkavian freak show complete with their own individual pain kinks and visions of themselves as walking talking animals. The only thing I ever wish is somehow being able to quell the pain each furry I know feels some become complete close minded pricks and some are the nicest yet kinkiest men and women you will ever meet. Just another subjugated group of special people all broken in some way some of their own doing most not. The only kind of humanity I hold any respect or faith for is the members of the furry fandom or the ones who are not furry who share broken souls. Our world is crying out for something that is not possible. We are a race doomed to fall because our ancestors made it that way. There is no undiscovered country left we are a race with an undying yearning to explore and unravel the mysteries of ourselves and our world and now in our present time those mysteries are slipping away and we are losing are purpose. I see it on the faces of so many people the same hidden pained look. Even with our countries possible political healing of a new leader that will never even come close to healing the scars humanity has placed on itself. I am one mind and with my own batch of problems I can not even come close to a solution other then despite my pain despite my fear and my problems. I try to be genuine in my feelings when I care for someone. I try not to let greed or the bigot ways of my father get to me in that. Of course being a sexual being I have burned many bridges in that department. But I also believe that if we as a culture were to embrace our sexual natures in a free way it would be easier to trust and love on a greater scale. But that same fear of the unknown prevents us from doing so. I am an outcast in that regard. My life is only half over and that is one of the few things that keeps me going. I try to do what I can but the skills that normal people have to get the good paying jobs I just lack. Ill keep trying ill keep living at least to the level I do now. In the hope that I will live to see our world change. The Christians may be wrong there may be no god but that by no means is the deciding factor on whether as a race we can heal and live in a world filled with peace. I dream of such a world though my version of that dream is a wild fantasy where I have fur and a tail and am in touch with the planet on a deep connected level. But that is why we have dreams wild or tame ones to keep ourselves going some of use have dreams that lead them to great things or happy lives. Some do not. I wrote this because these views have been bottled up for too long and I have many more. This is just a ripple on the surface of what my mind observes about the world and myself. All that said I only wish one thing for myself as I ever have since I moved out here since I dealt with the real kinds of humanity I wish I could be there for every single person who feels lonely every single person who feels despair. I wish I had the arms to hold a million scared individuals but I do not so I try my damnedest to always be a friend even to complete strangers and I am told that is a rarity today it may be or it may not be that does not affect what I want to do with myself. I do not wish to have control of the world I just wish to heal it to find a way to live with being a small unknown out of millions of intelligent walking fur less animals that all in some way feel just as disconnected. We cling to our relationships for some a family brings them that happiness. But for each happy family there is countless crying desperate individuals who are broken on the inside. And until I see less pain fear or ignorance in the eyes of several people I just see in my daily life I will continue to hold these beliefs and I will continue to be caring because that is all I can do.