(no subject)
I gave him his money and sat down with him at McDonalds around 12:20. I mentioned the Lauren thing first, how I found it hard to believe that he just wanted to hang out with her and thats it. He told me I read into that one way too much and that it wasnt true. He said he had a chance a year 1/2 ago to get with her and chose not to and he wouldnt want to now. That made me alittle better to know that. Then I told him that I thought I was okay with just being friends until the few times I saw him, the feelings came back and I had alittle hope that something more could happen. I just cant handle being his friend. I told him our relationship ending hurt, and the fact that he hooks up with other girls now hurts even more and I cant handle it. When I see him, its so hard not to kiss him or be all lovey dovey, so Im just not ready to just be friends. When I told him this he got one of his upset looks on his face... and he said that he really needs to get his shit together. He said for the past week there hasnt been a day when he wasnt sober. So maybe there is some good that will come out this, that he realized that he needs to get his act together and stop doing what hes doing. He even told me as far as the hooking up goes, that he hates it. He said its like after the moment its like fuck why did I do that... and it makes him feel like crap. He said he knew who he was and had his shit figured out a yeah and a half ago, and thats when he had his long relationship. But once that ended he started drinking again, and changed back to who he was. I know I came into the picture at the wrong time, and its too bad. But atleast maybe he will change back for the better, and love himself again and get his stuff figured out. He told me to call him sometime later on. And I will, but when only when my feelings for him are gone. All of this makes me feel really sad, but in a way it feels like a release. This time Im making the choice to have the distance, and I know it will be better for me.
Love Lexy