(no subject)
When I was younger I would always turn to my mother whenever I felt sad or bothered by something. We were very close. But then once I hit that teenage phase, I closed myself off from her. I would always tell her important things, or big things, but I wouldnt go to her when I was feeling down, like in highschool days. Now I find myself to be more of an adult than a teenager, and between my mother and I, we dont seem as close as I was say in middle school, but thats just because Ive matured I think, but I do open the door to her, and turn to her when I need to rather than push stuff down or take those bad feelings out in a bad way. The past few nights have been pretty bad. Ive cried myself to sleep 3 nights. I figure its partly because its that time of the month, and I guess Im also alittle heartbroken too. Last night was bad. After updating my journal, I was all excited about what had happend with that 29 year old guy. I thought that was out of the ordinary and funny too. I laid in bed after that to go to sleep, and I just started to cry again. It seemed like when I was with Joe that night, and I was getting angry and upset because he was telling me things I didnt want to hear, I must of had a wall up or something because I had no emotion of saddness, just anger. And even that, after i was pissed, I asked for a beer and I drank most of it. And then the night turned into laughing about stuff in his bed and a kiss goodnight. Im kinda suprised that I didnt start crying when he told me that he has already hooked up with 3 girls, even though there was no feelings. Maybe Im just getting stronger? or maybe I just didnt really like him as much as I thought I did.
Well I cried last night and then fell asleep. I woke up around 7 am and I felt stressed. I felt bothered and all I could think about was Joe. I kept sighing and getting aggravated, and I couldnt fall back asleep. I just kinda had a light sleep for 2 more hours until I had to get ready for work. On my drive to the mall this morning I decided to call my mother because I needed someone to talk to about how Ive been feeling these past few days. I also called her because I knew that if I went up to see her and my aunt, and my little cousins that I love so much, I know that will always make me feel better. So that was my other reason for calling, that Im going to see her tommorow after drawing class. She didnt pick up her phone so I left a message, and I talked to her after work on my way home.
During work I found out something that made me so mad, that frankly I dont want to talk Joe for a long time now. Some distance between us will be good. This is what happend....
I went on break and I met up with my friend Lauren for lunch. Lauren and I used to be best friends in 4th grade, but during highschool we grew apart, and now we dont hang out as much but we are still cool. WEll a year ago, Lauren had met Joe and thought he was so hot and wanted to hook up with him. They started talking for a little bit, and Joe said that he was gonna date her, but somethings he didnt like, and plus she was moving away to college. All Lauren has had are one night stands, so I guess at the time she was kinda with people and he didnt like that. ANyway while Lauren and I were having lunch, I was telling her about Joe and how I hurt his feelings last night because he made me so mad. She thinks its about time I make him feel bad hehe. But this is what really made me so mad. She told me that Joe called her a few days ago and wanted to hang out with her sometime. She told me that she told him straight up No way, because 1 she doesnt like him and 2 she would never do that to me anyway since we were best friends at one time, and sitll are good friends. When I found that out I was so pissed. I know why he called her, because he wants to fuck her or do sexual stuff or whatever with her. Im sorry, but that is so cold, so low. He knows I am friends with her. He knows we were once best friends. And for him to fucking want to do that anyway, thats so wrong, mean, and just horrible. So when she told me that, I was like fuck it Im never talking to him again. Im still pissed about it. ANd you know, I should of known from the begin, he has such a horrible past. He is an asshole and he knows it! Hes done some fucked up shit to poeple. He has had sex with one of his buddies girlfriends once! How horrible is that?!?!?! Joseph is an asshole and is too immature for me.
And to be honest, I miss what we had, I miss our relationship. But you know, its not that I miss him, its just that I miss the feeling of being with someone. I think Joe is soooooo hot sexy handsome and all of that, and he is a fun person to be around with, very social, funny, and fun. But he has too many flaws that I could never love. The choices he has made from our relationship, and the things he has done in his past, I think are disgusting, and turn me off completly. ANd i have to say, I am soooo glad I didnt do anything with him on friday night. Even though he tried too, I wouldnt let him and I am soo glad I made that choice. And trust me, it was wicked hard to not do anything.. but I would of regreted it now if I did. I can atleast smile about that.
On the drive home, while talking to my mom on the phone, I told her how Ive been really sad, and I told her about what happend with Joe recently about the Lauren thing, and about last night, what I had said how i missed the relationship and all that, and I also told her about Andrew. She told me that when I saw Joe again, the past few times, I had alittle bit of hope left that something could happen like him wanting me back, but now Ive realized that its never going to happen. And she is so right. She also doesnt think I should have any hopes for being with Andrew, because it just going to make me miss him and bring me down. The fact is that I am here and he is not, and I cant hold onto someone that I may never get to be with anyway. And shes right about that too. She also said that its not Joe who I really want back but its just the feeling of being with someone, and I think she is right about that too. All Joe was, was someone who filled up that empty spot in my heart because Andrew left, and I never knew when I would see him again. And i know my pain could never be love for him. I realized i cant really completly have true feelings for another guy if I still love and have feelings for Andrew. I didnt close the door to other people, after being with Andrew since i had a relationship. But now I just need to focus on me, and doing things that make me feel good. And most important is I need to be happy being alone with myself before I can really be with someone else. I know Ive been that way before, and Im so glad for it. Because there is nothing worse than always having to be with someone just to be happy. I guess Joe and I werent mean to be. Call me weird, I dont care, but I kind of had this vision thing when I was in New Jersey. But I just had this feeling that I wouldnt be with Joe in the future, and I got that feeling about Andrew too. That Im not going to be with either of them. I dont know why, maybe its just my imagination or something, but I get those weird things like that, and I also have really good intuition. When I know something bad is going to happen, like my boyfriend is gonna end the relationship, I get really bad feelings the day before or the day of. Its happend twice already, once with Chris and once with Joe. But when it comes to Andrew, if it does happen (relationship), it will be like one really good good awesome thing that happens in my life, and it will also be like a suprise to me, because its hard to think thats its really ever going to happen since there are so many IF'S.
But Im just going to stay single for a while, and go out with my friends and have fun. I'll never want to do any of those one night stands, and forget about drinking every day or whatever the hell I said in my previous journal. I didnt know what I was talking about. But im glad I had a talk with my mother. Im going to see the twin girls and little Katie tommorow after class, and then mom is taking me out to dinner somewhere in wellington. I know that will be good. Im going to make plans with friends, try to meet new people, have some fun. THis girl Jillian in my design class always calls me and wants to chill but Im always busy. But ill make the effort to hang out with her this week, and im going out with Scott (not scott turk) this week too. Definatly will have to chill with my girl Jess. Maybe go out with Melissa. whatever, all i know is that i want to make plans with people and go out more. and focus on my art and all that. Im sitll applying to my art schools. So i need to get my portoflio ready really soon.
oh and!!! Im dyeing my hair. Its going to be the reddish dark brownish purplish color called Tropical Burgundy that i always do. But Im thinking of doing something different. I want to put in a weird color in my hair again. Maybe bleach the tips of my long bangs and dye it that blue green color again, or just do somethng weird. I havent done anything different to my hair in a while, so I just might do that. And if I do, Jess knows we gotta do our friendship strand. its our little tradition.
Tonight Im working on a drawing and organizing my portfolio because I think its due tommorow, but I cant remember... im so not organized. its bad i know. And thats it!
Love Lexy
Well I cried last night and then fell asleep. I woke up around 7 am and I felt stressed. I felt bothered and all I could think about was Joe. I kept sighing and getting aggravated, and I couldnt fall back asleep. I just kinda had a light sleep for 2 more hours until I had to get ready for work. On my drive to the mall this morning I decided to call my mother because I needed someone to talk to about how Ive been feeling these past few days. I also called her because I knew that if I went up to see her and my aunt, and my little cousins that I love so much, I know that will always make me feel better. So that was my other reason for calling, that Im going to see her tommorow after drawing class. She didnt pick up her phone so I left a message, and I talked to her after work on my way home.
During work I found out something that made me so mad, that frankly I dont want to talk Joe for a long time now. Some distance between us will be good. This is what happend....
I went on break and I met up with my friend Lauren for lunch. Lauren and I used to be best friends in 4th grade, but during highschool we grew apart, and now we dont hang out as much but we are still cool. WEll a year ago, Lauren had met Joe and thought he was so hot and wanted to hook up with him. They started talking for a little bit, and Joe said that he was gonna date her, but somethings he didnt like, and plus she was moving away to college. All Lauren has had are one night stands, so I guess at the time she was kinda with people and he didnt like that. ANyway while Lauren and I were having lunch, I was telling her about Joe and how I hurt his feelings last night because he made me so mad. She thinks its about time I make him feel bad hehe. But this is what really made me so mad. She told me that Joe called her a few days ago and wanted to hang out with her sometime. She told me that she told him straight up No way, because 1 she doesnt like him and 2 she would never do that to me anyway since we were best friends at one time, and sitll are good friends. When I found that out I was so pissed. I know why he called her, because he wants to fuck her or do sexual stuff or whatever with her. Im sorry, but that is so cold, so low. He knows I am friends with her. He knows we were once best friends. And for him to fucking want to do that anyway, thats so wrong, mean, and just horrible. So when she told me that, I was like fuck it Im never talking to him again. Im still pissed about it. ANd you know, I should of known from the begin, he has such a horrible past. He is an asshole and he knows it! Hes done some fucked up shit to poeple. He has had sex with one of his buddies girlfriends once! How horrible is that?!?!?! Joseph is an asshole and is too immature for me.
And to be honest, I miss what we had, I miss our relationship. But you know, its not that I miss him, its just that I miss the feeling of being with someone. I think Joe is soooooo hot sexy handsome and all of that, and he is a fun person to be around with, very social, funny, and fun. But he has too many flaws that I could never love. The choices he has made from our relationship, and the things he has done in his past, I think are disgusting, and turn me off completly. ANd i have to say, I am soooo glad I didnt do anything with him on friday night. Even though he tried too, I wouldnt let him and I am soo glad I made that choice. And trust me, it was wicked hard to not do anything.. but I would of regreted it now if I did. I can atleast smile about that.
On the drive home, while talking to my mom on the phone, I told her how Ive been really sad, and I told her about what happend with Joe recently about the Lauren thing, and about last night, what I had said how i missed the relationship and all that, and I also told her about Andrew. She told me that when I saw Joe again, the past few times, I had alittle bit of hope left that something could happen like him wanting me back, but now Ive realized that its never going to happen. And she is so right. She also doesnt think I should have any hopes for being with Andrew, because it just going to make me miss him and bring me down. The fact is that I am here and he is not, and I cant hold onto someone that I may never get to be with anyway. And shes right about that too. She also said that its not Joe who I really want back but its just the feeling of being with someone, and I think she is right about that too. All Joe was, was someone who filled up that empty spot in my heart because Andrew left, and I never knew when I would see him again. And i know my pain could never be love for him. I realized i cant really completly have true feelings for another guy if I still love and have feelings for Andrew. I didnt close the door to other people, after being with Andrew since i had a relationship. But now I just need to focus on me, and doing things that make me feel good. And most important is I need to be happy being alone with myself before I can really be with someone else. I know Ive been that way before, and Im so glad for it. Because there is nothing worse than always having to be with someone just to be happy. I guess Joe and I werent mean to be. Call me weird, I dont care, but I kind of had this vision thing when I was in New Jersey. But I just had this feeling that I wouldnt be with Joe in the future, and I got that feeling about Andrew too. That Im not going to be with either of them. I dont know why, maybe its just my imagination or something, but I get those weird things like that, and I also have really good intuition. When I know something bad is going to happen, like my boyfriend is gonna end the relationship, I get really bad feelings the day before or the day of. Its happend twice already, once with Chris and once with Joe. But when it comes to Andrew, if it does happen (relationship), it will be like one really good good awesome thing that happens in my life, and it will also be like a suprise to me, because its hard to think thats its really ever going to happen since there are so many IF'S.
But Im just going to stay single for a while, and go out with my friends and have fun. I'll never want to do any of those one night stands, and forget about drinking every day or whatever the hell I said in my previous journal. I didnt know what I was talking about. But im glad I had a talk with my mother. Im going to see the twin girls and little Katie tommorow after class, and then mom is taking me out to dinner somewhere in wellington. I know that will be good. Im going to make plans with friends, try to meet new people, have some fun. THis girl Jillian in my design class always calls me and wants to chill but Im always busy. But ill make the effort to hang out with her this week, and im going out with Scott (not scott turk) this week too. Definatly will have to chill with my girl Jess. Maybe go out with Melissa. whatever, all i know is that i want to make plans with people and go out more. and focus on my art and all that. Im sitll applying to my art schools. So i need to get my portoflio ready really soon.
oh and!!! Im dyeing my hair. Its going to be the reddish dark brownish purplish color called Tropical Burgundy that i always do. But Im thinking of doing something different. I want to put in a weird color in my hair again. Maybe bleach the tips of my long bangs and dye it that blue green color again, or just do somethng weird. I havent done anything different to my hair in a while, so I just might do that. And if I do, Jess knows we gotta do our friendship strand. its our little tradition.
Tonight Im working on a drawing and organizing my portfolio because I think its due tommorow, but I cant remember... im so not organized. its bad i know. And thats it!
Love Lexy