(no subject)
Yesterday and the few days before were going really well. I was feeling really good, and I was even looking foward to today....but that good feeling went away last night. I dont know why this happens to me, but it does sometimes, were my mood will just switch completly and I will feel like shit. Last night I had a fun time at work, laughing the whole time with Sandra. Then when I got home, I changed and went out to get something, then came back and started working on my large drawing. I wasnt happy with how it was going and I felt lost when doing it, like I was just adding stuff just to add. So I stopped drawing and went on the internet. When I got on the internet I got those sad feelings again, from no where. I started feeling really depressed and lonely. And then I thought about Andrew. I thought about how much it sucks that he lives far away... and what sucks even more is that he has a girlfriend. Recently he tells me that he wants to come back but when he is single and has money... he tells me that he wishes i could be his girlfriend but it cant be because of the distance... and he tells me things that would make me feel secure at the moment.. but then that goes away and I start worrying again... what if he has a long relationship with this girl, then I will never get to see him again, what if he settles down with her, what if he forgets about me. All of these things made me feel worse. And at that moment I decided to do something stupid and text message Joe. I didnt want to call him because I was afraid he would be sleeping since it was 2 am. But at that point I just wanted to turn to someone, I just wanted to talk to him. There is something Ive noticed about myself. Its seems like whenever I am in a relationship, my emotions are stable, and when Im not they are unstable again. When Andrew left, and I was single, I worried all the time about stuff with him, I was insecure, and I would go from being happy to sad. I would have good times with my friends, and then have moments when I felt like shit. When Joe came into my life, I was never sad at all. I wasnt extremely happy, except for in the beginning but still, it wasnt like i was on a rollercoaster ride with my emotions. And now Im back to where I was before. I hate to think that maybe me being in a relatoinship, or having someone to see all the time and being with that person is what can really keep me away from having my moments of feeling low, but maybe its true. Or maybe I am this way because I still have that stupid hope and dream that I can one day be with Andrew. Maybe I am this way, because I still have feelings for someone that I cant be with, and wont know for sure in a matter of time. Joe and I talked about alot of different things. Sometimes we would just lay in his bed and talk about stuff for a while, or talk on the phone for hours. He asked me once if I have ever been soo depressed or at my lowest point in my life. And I said yes, and he said he had experienced that too. And he said that even when you are at your lowest point in your life where you feel like you cant go on, you just have to know that it will get better no matter what. And he is absolutly right. So everytime I feel like crap or I feel lonely or sad, I always think to myself that I know sometime soon I am going to feel better. Im not saying that I am at my lowest point, no way, but just when I feel sad I think about what he said.