(no subject)
Princess Warren will leave for grad school in a few days and I’ll probably never see him again. Fuck. Grad school is in Ohio, which might as well be another PLANET. It’s the planet where demagoguelocke lives, and I may never see him again either. Now that I think about it, shaving your entire head when you first show signs of male pattern baldness must be a planet Ohio cultural tradition, because all the Ohio people I know have done this, whereas people not associated with planet Ohio tend to keep their scalp fuzz.
Maybe it has something to do with the construction of the letter “o,” which resembles a bald head. O-hi-o.
O - “Ah, it appears as though I may go bald.”
hi - “Hello, signs of baldness.”
o - “Ha ha! I will now counter you with extra on-purpose baldness! Bring me a razorblade!”
Yesterday I was trying to convince Princess Warren to hold off on going to grad school and to kidnap me and take me to Chicago instead so I could get some microdermal implants. The plan, which is a bit too convoluted to explain here, involved naked mole rats.
Princess Warren was dubious as to the effectiveness of naked mole rats in my plan, so I used the internet to prove their awesomeness. There was a sharpie sitting right next to the internet, so of course I wound up with “Naked mole rats are spiffy” written across my arm in large block letters. Then I forgot about the writing on my arm because sharpie ink doesn’t feel like anything once it’s on your skin.
Later in the evening I was working at the ticket window and patrons kept asking me about naked mole rats. It took me a second to realize why this was happening.* But then I got into a routine where I’d give each interested patron a naked mole rat fact with their** ticket.
“Hello, sir or madam! It looks like you have two tickets in row C, and by the way naked mole rat skin lacks the neurotransmitter responsible for sensing pain! If you cut or burn a naked mole rat, it will not mind! Have a lovely evening, and please don’t cut or burn any naked mole rats.”
“Here’s your ticket sir. You’re running a little late, so please hurry. If you were a naked mole rat, you could hurry backwards just as quickly as you could hurry forwards.”
Only a small fraction of the patrons were interested in naked mole rats, but I ran out of cool naked mole rat facts before I ran out of interested people. Maybe I should read more about the little buggers. Then naked mole rats could swarm through the impending Princess Warren-shaped hole in my life.
Inundation is a good word. It reminds me of wet nuns.
* I am a genius.
** The lack of a singular gender neutral pronoun in English really bugs me. Should I ever become the Incredible Hulk, this is the first thing I will smash. HULK SMASH ABSTRACT LINGUISTIC CONCEPT!
Maybe it has something to do with the construction of the letter “o,” which resembles a bald head. O-hi-o.
O - “Ah, it appears as though I may go bald.”
hi - “Hello, signs of baldness.”
o - “Ha ha! I will now counter you with extra on-purpose baldness! Bring me a razorblade!”
Yesterday I was trying to convince Princess Warren to hold off on going to grad school and to kidnap me and take me to Chicago instead so I could get some microdermal implants. The plan, which is a bit too convoluted to explain here, involved naked mole rats.
Princess Warren was dubious as to the effectiveness of naked mole rats in my plan, so I used the internet to prove their awesomeness. There was a sharpie sitting right next to the internet, so of course I wound up with “Naked mole rats are spiffy” written across my arm in large block letters. Then I forgot about the writing on my arm because sharpie ink doesn’t feel like anything once it’s on your skin.
Later in the evening I was working at the ticket window and patrons kept asking me about naked mole rats. It took me a second to realize why this was happening.* But then I got into a routine where I’d give each interested patron a naked mole rat fact with their** ticket.
“Hello, sir or madam! It looks like you have two tickets in row C, and by the way naked mole rat skin lacks the neurotransmitter responsible for sensing pain! If you cut or burn a naked mole rat, it will not mind! Have a lovely evening, and please don’t cut or burn any naked mole rats.”
“Here’s your ticket sir. You’re running a little late, so please hurry. If you were a naked mole rat, you could hurry backwards just as quickly as you could hurry forwards.”
Only a small fraction of the patrons were interested in naked mole rats, but I ran out of cool naked mole rat facts before I ran out of interested people. Maybe I should read more about the little buggers. Then naked mole rats could swarm through the impending Princess Warren-shaped hole in my life.
Inundation is a good word. It reminds me of wet nuns.
* I am a genius.
** The lack of a singular gender neutral pronoun in English really bugs me. Should I ever become the Incredible Hulk, this is the first thing I will smash. HULK SMASH ABSTRACT LINGUISTIC CONCEPT!