Its Time
Im now cleaning up my life. Im leaving the drugs, my midnight snack that would put me to sleep. But im not cleaning up just physically but mentally as well. I have to put to rest PJ's death and realize that Glenn and I are prolly not going to be together forever, and that there are more guys out there and i need to stop waiting and make glenn stop waiting and just come up with a fucking decision already. I know how it feels to just wait and wait for an answer and thats what im doing to glenn. And it makes me sick to my stomach. I want to be with him more then anything, but i need to go out and meet other guys, but for some reason i cant because i feel like i would be doing something wrong. And i dont want that. Glenn and i have been through so much, but I need to know what else is out there. and if nothing and Glenn is still waiting, then i might go back.
I feel better now. I seem happier that extra 5 minutes during the day. I know Jennifer has a lot to do with my slow recovery after PJ died. I look back and just wonder what the hell was i thinking. I mean, if it wasnt for Jim, i wouldnt be here today typing this journal out. (I just think about my friends that i would have left, even though sometimes they wanted me died but i did put them through a lot this school year. I just wanted to say thank you for not giving up on me. I know i wasnt the happiest person to be around, but u guys still stuck with me and i just want to say thank you.) And because of Jim saving me, i hated him for the longest time, which seems childish, but i was so obsess with my death, i could see no good out of him saving me. I dont replay PJ's death scene in my head anymore, i dont blame myself anymore for not being at his apartment a hour earlier, for not being there to stop himself as he put the rope around his neck and hung himself. I dont hate PJ for leaving me anymore. I would be a hypocrite if i was because i was trying to do they same, kill myself and leave all my friends. Im going to miss him, but i cant have his death control my life anymore. But it did, for a good 4 months. 4 months of severe depression where i blocked out everyone in my life. But i have finally snapped out of that. My father deciding to remarry doesnt bother me anymore, im happy he found someone to love and to love him back. Im not mad at my mother for adopting my aunts newborn so that the baby doesnt have to live in the horrible system of foster care which my mom spent most of her childhood. Im fine with everything that has happen in my life so far now. At least i can say that my life hasnt been boring.
That is all
Be safe
I feel better now. I seem happier that extra 5 minutes during the day. I know Jennifer has a lot to do with my slow recovery after PJ died. I look back and just wonder what the hell was i thinking. I mean, if it wasnt for Jim, i wouldnt be here today typing this journal out. (I just think about my friends that i would have left, even though sometimes they wanted me died but i did put them through a lot this school year. I just wanted to say thank you for not giving up on me. I know i wasnt the happiest person to be around, but u guys still stuck with me and i just want to say thank you.) And because of Jim saving me, i hated him for the longest time, which seems childish, but i was so obsess with my death, i could see no good out of him saving me. I dont replay PJ's death scene in my head anymore, i dont blame myself anymore for not being at his apartment a hour earlier, for not being there to stop himself as he put the rope around his neck and hung himself. I dont hate PJ for leaving me anymore. I would be a hypocrite if i was because i was trying to do they same, kill myself and leave all my friends. Im going to miss him, but i cant have his death control my life anymore. But it did, for a good 4 months. 4 months of severe depression where i blocked out everyone in my life. But i have finally snapped out of that. My father deciding to remarry doesnt bother me anymore, im happy he found someone to love and to love him back. Im not mad at my mother for adopting my aunts newborn so that the baby doesnt have to live in the horrible system of foster care which my mom spent most of her childhood. Im fine with everything that has happen in my life so far now. At least i can say that my life hasnt been boring.
That is all
Be safe