when i die.
i want it to be at a time i am very happy. i want to be at my most genuine. i want to be the most...me. i need to be with ones i love. i want it to be sudden. it cannot be violent. it should be unexpected. i want to be remembered and talked about by those whom i talk about the most. im so scared of dieing..and being nothing in this world anymore.
being a faint memory is not enough, i need to be a part of peoples' lives without being here.
its amazing how easy it has become to just cut people out of my life. soooo many people at grossmont whom i never talk to anymore. EVER.
that is so strange.
would they be sad if a year from now they found out i died from a brain aneurism? or would they say "oh. i remember that kid. how strange"
________________________
my throat is sore.
_______________________
my mommy is sick. her kidneys may be leaking into her urinary tract and she has no white blood cell count in her urine samples.
something is wrong. and i only realized today how fragile her existence is and how i dont want to be one of those people who cannot have their parents.
i dont want to be a fuckin orphan.
if my mommy dies, the only reason i would stay alive is for my sister.
but even then, that is a little too hard.
i knew it was something to fear when she started half-joking about her life insurance policies and how both my sister and i would recieve 500,000$ each. i knew it was something to be seriously concerned about today when i heard her voice crack over the phone when she told me she was still waiting for her doctor to call. and i felt my heart sink and the fear flow through my veins when today, as we sat around, she lurched in her seat ... "my stomach...oh...my stomach...somethings not right"
"maybe its something you ate?"
"NO. this is different. this is in my lower stomach area..this is in a different place. NO. this is something different."
. im not strong enough for anything bad to happen .
_________________________________________________
im considering bailing on the campaign and candy striping instead.
being a faint memory is not enough, i need to be a part of peoples' lives without being here.
its amazing how easy it has become to just cut people out of my life. soooo many people at grossmont whom i never talk to anymore. EVER.
that is so strange.
would they be sad if a year from now they found out i died from a brain aneurism? or would they say "oh. i remember that kid. how strange"
________________________
my throat is sore.
_______________________
my mommy is sick. her kidneys may be leaking into her urinary tract and she has no white blood cell count in her urine samples.
something is wrong. and i only realized today how fragile her existence is and how i dont want to be one of those people who cannot have their parents.
i dont want to be a fuckin orphan.
if my mommy dies, the only reason i would stay alive is for my sister.
but even then, that is a little too hard.
i knew it was something to fear when she started half-joking about her life insurance policies and how both my sister and i would recieve 500,000$ each. i knew it was something to be seriously concerned about today when i heard her voice crack over the phone when she told me she was still waiting for her doctor to call. and i felt my heart sink and the fear flow through my veins when today, as we sat around, she lurched in her seat ... "my stomach...oh...my stomach...somethings not right"
"maybe its something you ate?"
"NO. this is different. this is in my lower stomach area..this is in a different place. NO. this is something different."
. im not strong enough for anything bad to happen .
_________________________________________________
im considering bailing on the campaign and candy striping instead.