Reflections on myself
I feel I've painted a deceptively positive view of my life as of late in the last entry so I figure I'll cover the other side of things. I apologize in advance if this sounds like a bunch of whining, I know that's the thing I hate most when reading other's writings. Besides the mostly irrelevant little hickups on the otherwise smooth road to the future (hardly!), like a bad CD-RW drive, a sore ankle, and a sick vehicle, there are some more influential things I've been dealing with for a while.
One thing I've discovered about myself is that I have social problems. I have some trouble relating to others sometimes and just carrying on a normal conversation. Although this problem seems to come and go with my mood (or lack thereof), it's not so much a matter of being shy, in fact not at all, but simply not knowing what to say, or having nothing to say. I remember back in my high school years, especially at Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp I was a big advocate of not caring about what others think of me, and I lived it too. Lately though I feel I have been focusing on other's views of me more. Perhaps I could use a little of my own advice from those days.
A startling discovery I made through the course of my latest relationship is that I don't really feel emotions like I used to or like most others do. It's all too clear to me now that this is the result of my exploration in and adoption of some eastern religions and philosophies, particularly Buddhism's approach to suffering and attachment. In a nutshell, attachment is bad and should be avoided because it leads to pain and suffering at the loss of the object of attachment. And so, a major focus, perhaps the main focus of these philosophies is the elimination of pain, suffering, saddness and fear. I didn't realize how much progress I made in these endeavors until there was a moment at which I expected (even longed for) the pain and tears to come but they never did. This moment opened my eyes to what has happened, I have lost my emotions. Well I've only lost some of them, but overall the intensity of all my emotions has been considerably decreased. Now don't imagine that I've been having them, just keeping them bottled within and not expressing them. If only that's all it were. No, I truely no longer even experience some emotions. I wait for the tears... of joy, of saddness; for the rush of chemicals and sensations. But alas, nothing comes. I've found myself acting out some emotions just to be accepted socially. I know this is not good, I should not act in public or private but be myself. However this would consist of nothing but standing there blandly. It's so utterly painful to be so emotionless at times. The worst part is how helpless I feel, when not feeling. There's nothing I can do to make myself feel, just wait for that which won't come.
Now I fear I've made the situation seem more dire than it is. Most of the time it's not like this. Most of the time I do feel something. It's just certain times and circumstances that I feel this lack of feeling, emote this lack of emotion, sense this lack of sensation. So, in light of this discovery I've concluded that the goal set by these philosophies, no pain, no suffering, is not what I want, and probably not something others should aim for either. Although I'm sure it would be helpful for those severely suffering a great deal. Perhaps it is good to go in that direction to some extent, to calm ones inappropriately strong emotions; those whose intensity does not reflect the importance of the issue causing them. Yet, there needs to be a balance between the extremes of one who overreacts to everything and on with no emotion at all. I feel I've ventured to far towards the latter, and now I must figure out a way to go back. I'll admit it's much easier to go in one direction that the other, and there's certainly much more documentation and other sources leading in that direction. I suppose I'll have to forge my own way on this one, if it's even possible. One attempt I've been making without even knowing it is listening to more emotion inducing music, and watching such movies. Reading a movie review, I found one that sounded very enjoyable. Then I looked at people's comments and a person said that it spoon fed you the emotions too much. This person also made the observation that those who have problems expresseing there emotions would probably tend to go for this sort of thing more. At first I was offended and didn't agree, but I was a living example of this, so I quickly realized it's truth. By now I'm sure I've lost most readers so I will move on.
Another realization I've had lately about myself is that I've lost direction in my life. There was a time when I had clear goals and plans for the future, but now it seems I'm just going along with whatever comes my way, not making much progress toward any kind of higher calling or goal. In my free time I find I'm more often making excuses than doing something productive. And when I am doing something productive it's usually something for self-gratification; something that will just boost my ego. For example, working on a new website that will exibit all my accomplishments, or organizing to perform acrobatic tricks that always attract attention. Even though I am aware of these things, or at least partially aware at times, I still do them out of ??? habit? gratification? boredom? I don't know. I have to take the initiative soon to do something for the greater good, something selfless, something that matters. (admittedly, it won't be truely selfless because it's motivation will be to rid myself of this unproductive mood, and make me feel better about myself, but I can accept that)
Back to the issue of no emotions, a curiosity to make note of about me is that when I cry, and I mean full blown cry, not just tears, I don't know why I'm doing it. There is some happening that triggers it, that I am aware of, but what exactly about that happening I know not. Also I don't feel the emotion that cooresponds to the crying. Physically I am crying, and even making the pitiful "boohoos" but emotionally, inside I don't feel that pain or saddness that is supposedly causing the tears. Even stanger is that my crying is mixed with laughter, it's a strange sight few have seen, an unusual fit of crying a laughing all at the same time. This one has left me completely baffled, but at least I learned that I'm not as mentally, or emotionally healthy as I once thought I was. But maybe that's for the best. It was quite a while ago I first experienced that one, but it had the effect of making me look at and analyze myself more that I had previously done.
That's enough for now, I know I had more interesting revelations about myself, but I can't remember them at this time. (must not have been that important) In going through all that, one might think that my outlook's pretty bleak, or that I must not be doing quite so well. But on the contrary I am pretty satisfied overall with everything that's going on for me. In my recent lack of some negative emotions I've come to realize their true value. They make life real. Without struggle, without pain, without the everyday bustle and confusion, life becomes artificial, it's value depreciated. It also comes down to what you expect out of life. No, I may look back and discover I did not lead a GREAT life, solving all sorts of important problems and helping many people, and having a lasting and positive effect on the world. But I don't expect or need that. All I hope is that my life is reasonably good. Desiring anything more would be ungrateful. I expect to have problems along the way, I expect things to not always go as planned. I expect to have losses and feel pain, and to feel completely down and out at times; ready to throw in the towel. But I know better. In having realistic expectations of my life, I can embrace all aspects of it more fully because I know, "that's life."
Ya, I may have some things to struggle with, don't we all? Life could always be a little better than it is. We could always use a little less poverty, just a little more peace, a little more values. Simply a little more food in the cupboard, a little more money in the bank, and a little more free time would be nice. But you know what, this is the way it is and I'm quite content with it. It's not perfect, nothing is, but it's satisfactory. That is the nature of life, bittersweet, in the 'oh so true' words of The Verve. Would I trade our helter-skelter world for a perfect one, of continuous happiness and security, in which everyone gets what they want and pain and suffering are unknown? Never. Ode to this world, of rusty nails and broken watches. Of peeling paint and restless seas. Of sunsets and volcanos. Of dishonest politicians and overworked mothers. Of car accidents and abandoned factories. Ode to this grand world to which we are bound, and every last detail of it's humble beauty.
One thing I've discovered about myself is that I have social problems. I have some trouble relating to others sometimes and just carrying on a normal conversation. Although this problem seems to come and go with my mood (or lack thereof), it's not so much a matter of being shy, in fact not at all, but simply not knowing what to say, or having nothing to say. I remember back in my high school years, especially at Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp I was a big advocate of not caring about what others think of me, and I lived it too. Lately though I feel I have been focusing on other's views of me more. Perhaps I could use a little of my own advice from those days.
A startling discovery I made through the course of my latest relationship is that I don't really feel emotions like I used to or like most others do. It's all too clear to me now that this is the result of my exploration in and adoption of some eastern religions and philosophies, particularly Buddhism's approach to suffering and attachment. In a nutshell, attachment is bad and should be avoided because it leads to pain and suffering at the loss of the object of attachment. And so, a major focus, perhaps the main focus of these philosophies is the elimination of pain, suffering, saddness and fear. I didn't realize how much progress I made in these endeavors until there was a moment at which I expected (even longed for) the pain and tears to come but they never did. This moment opened my eyes to what has happened, I have lost my emotions. Well I've only lost some of them, but overall the intensity of all my emotions has been considerably decreased. Now don't imagine that I've been having them, just keeping them bottled within and not expressing them. If only that's all it were. No, I truely no longer even experience some emotions. I wait for the tears... of joy, of saddness; for the rush of chemicals and sensations. But alas, nothing comes. I've found myself acting out some emotions just to be accepted socially. I know this is not good, I should not act in public or private but be myself. However this would consist of nothing but standing there blandly. It's so utterly painful to be so emotionless at times. The worst part is how helpless I feel, when not feeling. There's nothing I can do to make myself feel, just wait for that which won't come.
Now I fear I've made the situation seem more dire than it is. Most of the time it's not like this. Most of the time I do feel something. It's just certain times and circumstances that I feel this lack of feeling, emote this lack of emotion, sense this lack of sensation. So, in light of this discovery I've concluded that the goal set by these philosophies, no pain, no suffering, is not what I want, and probably not something others should aim for either. Although I'm sure it would be helpful for those severely suffering a great deal. Perhaps it is good to go in that direction to some extent, to calm ones inappropriately strong emotions; those whose intensity does not reflect the importance of the issue causing them. Yet, there needs to be a balance between the extremes of one who overreacts to everything and on with no emotion at all. I feel I've ventured to far towards the latter, and now I must figure out a way to go back. I'll admit it's much easier to go in one direction that the other, and there's certainly much more documentation and other sources leading in that direction. I suppose I'll have to forge my own way on this one, if it's even possible. One attempt I've been making without even knowing it is listening to more emotion inducing music, and watching such movies. Reading a movie review, I found one that sounded very enjoyable. Then I looked at people's comments and a person said that it spoon fed you the emotions too much. This person also made the observation that those who have problems expresseing there emotions would probably tend to go for this sort of thing more. At first I was offended and didn't agree, but I was a living example of this, so I quickly realized it's truth. By now I'm sure I've lost most readers so I will move on.
Another realization I've had lately about myself is that I've lost direction in my life. There was a time when I had clear goals and plans for the future, but now it seems I'm just going along with whatever comes my way, not making much progress toward any kind of higher calling or goal. In my free time I find I'm more often making excuses than doing something productive. And when I am doing something productive it's usually something for self-gratification; something that will just boost my ego. For example, working on a new website that will exibit all my accomplishments, or organizing to perform acrobatic tricks that always attract attention. Even though I am aware of these things, or at least partially aware at times, I still do them out of ??? habit? gratification? boredom? I don't know. I have to take the initiative soon to do something for the greater good, something selfless, something that matters. (admittedly, it won't be truely selfless because it's motivation will be to rid myself of this unproductive mood, and make me feel better about myself, but I can accept that)
Back to the issue of no emotions, a curiosity to make note of about me is that when I cry, and I mean full blown cry, not just tears, I don't know why I'm doing it. There is some happening that triggers it, that I am aware of, but what exactly about that happening I know not. Also I don't feel the emotion that cooresponds to the crying. Physically I am crying, and even making the pitiful "boohoos" but emotionally, inside I don't feel that pain or saddness that is supposedly causing the tears. Even stanger is that my crying is mixed with laughter, it's a strange sight few have seen, an unusual fit of crying a laughing all at the same time. This one has left me completely baffled, but at least I learned that I'm not as mentally, or emotionally healthy as I once thought I was. But maybe that's for the best. It was quite a while ago I first experienced that one, but it had the effect of making me look at and analyze myself more that I had previously done.
That's enough for now, I know I had more interesting revelations about myself, but I can't remember them at this time. (must not have been that important) In going through all that, one might think that my outlook's pretty bleak, or that I must not be doing quite so well. But on the contrary I am pretty satisfied overall with everything that's going on for me. In my recent lack of some negative emotions I've come to realize their true value. They make life real. Without struggle, without pain, without the everyday bustle and confusion, life becomes artificial, it's value depreciated. It also comes down to what you expect out of life. No, I may look back and discover I did not lead a GREAT life, solving all sorts of important problems and helping many people, and having a lasting and positive effect on the world. But I don't expect or need that. All I hope is that my life is reasonably good. Desiring anything more would be ungrateful. I expect to have problems along the way, I expect things to not always go as planned. I expect to have losses and feel pain, and to feel completely down and out at times; ready to throw in the towel. But I know better. In having realistic expectations of my life, I can embrace all aspects of it more fully because I know, "that's life."
Ya, I may have some things to struggle with, don't we all? Life could always be a little better than it is. We could always use a little less poverty, just a little more peace, a little more values. Simply a little more food in the cupboard, a little more money in the bank, and a little more free time would be nice. But you know what, this is the way it is and I'm quite content with it. It's not perfect, nothing is, but it's satisfactory. That is the nature of life, bittersweet, in the 'oh so true' words of The Verve. Would I trade our helter-skelter world for a perfect one, of continuous happiness and security, in which everyone gets what they want and pain and suffering are unknown? Never. Ode to this world, of rusty nails and broken watches. Of peeling paint and restless seas. Of sunsets and volcanos. Of dishonest politicians and overworked mothers. Of car accidents and abandoned factories. Ode to this grand world to which we are bound, and every last detail of it's humble beauty.