Comfortably Numb
I have discovered a very enjoyable thing to do when I am snowboarding at night. This hill isn't a mountain, but it does rise way above the surrounding features, providing a very nice view from the top. Around 6 or 6:30 the sun sets, so I keep an eye on it while doing my runs, and when it is about to go down, I travel to a secluded spot on the hill and lay down in the soft snow and watch the sunset. It is really nice to just surround myself with beauty like that, and take some time to relax and reflect. I had the opportunity to do this tonight for the first time this season, and most assuredly not the last! One thing that struck me was how wonderful it is to have 'front row center' seats to the greatest show in the known universe, human life.
Lately, though, I've been feeling very... neutral, or unemotional, or numb. It is this emotionless state, rather than a state of subtle happiness as is normal for me, that the singular moments of joy and despair arise from and return to. Also many things that would usually make me feel sad or serene, haven't had as much of an effect. I know this is due, in part at least, to my Buddhist practices; the ideas of detachment and a quiet mind. I recognize that I have some conscious control over the emotions I feel. Not how I express or act them out, but the actual experiencing itself. But now I don't know if I'm the wiser or more foolish for doing this. I suppose I've been thinking about my identity, you know, who I am, a lot. I'm not sure where I should go from here. Should I try to allow emotions that result from circumstances in my life to surface within me more, bringing both the bad and the good? Or should I simply try to regain a base mood of subtle bliss? The humanist in me tells me to dive deep into this life, with all it's joys and sorrows. But the transcendentalist in me says, "Forget the toils of the world, just seek truth and harmony with the natural world." Maybe a balance of the two would be the best way to go. This is the ideal expressed in Li Mi-an's "The Half-and-Half Song":
"By far the greater half have I seen through
This foaling life Ah, there's a magic word
This "half" so rich in implications.
It bids us taste the joy of more than we
Can ever own. Halfway in life is man's
Best state, when slackened pace allows him ease;
A wide world lies halfway, twixt heaven and earth;
To live halfway between the town and land,
Have farms halfway between the streams and hills;
Be half-a-scholar, and half-a-squire, and half
In business; half as gentry live,
And half related to the common folk;
And have a house that's half genteel, half plain,
Half elegantly furnished and half bare;
Dresses and gowns that are half old, half new,
And food half epicure's, half simple fare;
Have servants not too clever, not too dull;
A wife who's not too simple, nor too smart
So then, at heart, I feel I'm half a Buddha,
And almost half a Taoist fairy blest.
One half myself to Father Heaven I
Return; the other half to children leave
Half thinking how for my posterity
To plan and provide, and yet half minding how
To answer God when the body's laid at rest.
He is most wisely drunk who is half drunk;
And flowers in half-bloom look their prettiest;
As boats at half-sail sail the steadiest,
And horses held at half-slack reins trot best.
Who half too much has, adds anxiety,
But half too little, adds possession's zest.
Since life's of sweet and bitter compounded,
Who tastes but half is wise and cleverest."
Since my emotions are so tied up with, and under the influence of my cognitions, I tend to take the Cognitive approach to psychology. I also act accordingly, whether I'm aware of it or not. This can create problems when dealing with other peoples emotions, because I must remember not to treat them like I treat my own similar emotions. For example: If I am feeling down, I either do some mental exercises I've devised or read some literature that will get me out of that mode of thinking. However, when a friend of mine is feeling down, I may make the mistake of treating the mood more like a erroneous philosophical position to be defeated by philosophical argument. Though this works in myself, I know that everyone works quite different on the inside. When I do catch myself, I am still at a loss for words. I don't know any alternative, perhaps better ways of dealing with others emotions. So I usually just convey my sympathies then keep my mouth shut. I'm in a bind, wanting to help, but not knowing how else to do so.
I believe myself to be overly-intellectual at most times. I'd prefer the silent wisdom that entertains a certain calmness and joviality. Yet, this being such an essential part of who I am, it will truely be a task to change it. I do believe I can though, it can be changed, since change is the natural and inevitable state of all things.
I am, of course, just highlighting the personal 'struggles' I'm having, focusing on the negative as we all do, but on the whole I'm and doing very well. In fact, I feel more a complete and healthy person than I ever did before. Moving away from my parents had a great deal to do with this, and if things go as I would hope, I will remain on my own to a certain degree from now on. A pleasant outcome of this is that it does seem like my relationship with them is getting better, despite our reduced encounters; or perhaps due to our reduced encounters. So yes, everything is quite alright in levi-land. Until next time, dear journal.
-Levi
Lately, though, I've been feeling very... neutral, or unemotional, or numb. It is this emotionless state, rather than a state of subtle happiness as is normal for me, that the singular moments of joy and despair arise from and return to. Also many things that would usually make me feel sad or serene, haven't had as much of an effect. I know this is due, in part at least, to my Buddhist practices; the ideas of detachment and a quiet mind. I recognize that I have some conscious control over the emotions I feel. Not how I express or act them out, but the actual experiencing itself. But now I don't know if I'm the wiser or more foolish for doing this. I suppose I've been thinking about my identity, you know, who I am, a lot. I'm not sure where I should go from here. Should I try to allow emotions that result from circumstances in my life to surface within me more, bringing both the bad and the good? Or should I simply try to regain a base mood of subtle bliss? The humanist in me tells me to dive deep into this life, with all it's joys and sorrows. But the transcendentalist in me says, "Forget the toils of the world, just seek truth and harmony with the natural world." Maybe a balance of the two would be the best way to go. This is the ideal expressed in Li Mi-an's "The Half-and-Half Song":
"By far the greater half have I seen through
This foaling life Ah, there's a magic word
This "half" so rich in implications.
It bids us taste the joy of more than we
Can ever own. Halfway in life is man's
Best state, when slackened pace allows him ease;
A wide world lies halfway, twixt heaven and earth;
To live halfway between the town and land,
Have farms halfway between the streams and hills;
Be half-a-scholar, and half-a-squire, and half
In business; half as gentry live,
And half related to the common folk;
And have a house that's half genteel, half plain,
Half elegantly furnished and half bare;
Dresses and gowns that are half old, half new,
And food half epicure's, half simple fare;
Have servants not too clever, not too dull;
A wife who's not too simple, nor too smart
So then, at heart, I feel I'm half a Buddha,
And almost half a Taoist fairy blest.
One half myself to Father Heaven I
Return; the other half to children leave
Half thinking how for my posterity
To plan and provide, and yet half minding how
To answer God when the body's laid at rest.
He is most wisely drunk who is half drunk;
And flowers in half-bloom look their prettiest;
As boats at half-sail sail the steadiest,
And horses held at half-slack reins trot best.
Who half too much has, adds anxiety,
But half too little, adds possession's zest.
Since life's of sweet and bitter compounded,
Who tastes but half is wise and cleverest."
Since my emotions are so tied up with, and under the influence of my cognitions, I tend to take the Cognitive approach to psychology. I also act accordingly, whether I'm aware of it or not. This can create problems when dealing with other peoples emotions, because I must remember not to treat them like I treat my own similar emotions. For example: If I am feeling down, I either do some mental exercises I've devised or read some literature that will get me out of that mode of thinking. However, when a friend of mine is feeling down, I may make the mistake of treating the mood more like a erroneous philosophical position to be defeated by philosophical argument. Though this works in myself, I know that everyone works quite different on the inside. When I do catch myself, I am still at a loss for words. I don't know any alternative, perhaps better ways of dealing with others emotions. So I usually just convey my sympathies then keep my mouth shut. I'm in a bind, wanting to help, but not knowing how else to do so.
I believe myself to be overly-intellectual at most times. I'd prefer the silent wisdom that entertains a certain calmness and joviality. Yet, this being such an essential part of who I am, it will truely be a task to change it. I do believe I can though, it can be changed, since change is the natural and inevitable state of all things.
I am, of course, just highlighting the personal 'struggles' I'm having, focusing on the negative as we all do, but on the whole I'm and doing very well. In fact, I feel more a complete and healthy person than I ever did before. Moving away from my parents had a great deal to do with this, and if things go as I would hope, I will remain on my own to a certain degree from now on. A pleasant outcome of this is that it does seem like my relationship with them is getting better, despite our reduced encounters; or perhaps due to our reduced encounters. So yes, everything is quite alright in levi-land. Until next time, dear journal.
-Levi