Been working on something of my own again, trying to write ten pages a day for each day in May. Yet another attempt at a publish-able piece of work, if you care to give it a glance.
Lizard Rat out. Watching the Cambrian Epoch Explode in Albany NY
Your work looks good. Articulate and well constructed. You introduce a number of speakers right up front, but get to sorting them out before too much time passes.
You might consider standardizing the colors a bit -- and be careful when using quoted dialog. Word processors tend to want to capitalize the next word after a period, and this happened to you in several places. For example,
"Call me Molli." Molli said with a smile.
should be
"Call me Molli," Molli said with a smile.
Similarly,
"Ho there, travelers..." The equine said.
should be
"Ho there, travelers," the equine said.In the latter case, since the dialog break tends to create a pause, you would only use the trailing ellipses when you're really forcing the reader to note that the speaker's attention had trailed off. That didn't seem to be appropriate for the context here
( ... )
And while I think about it, I AM planning on changing font colors for each character, as well as the font itself for their speaking style (Mordecai's a bit gruff; Juvessa sounds like Xena).
He was going to sell it -- but that didn't work out. As an alternative, he seemed to hope that the "threat" to release what would probably be considered an environmental toxin of sorts would be enough to bargain for his freedom.
He might have showed up on "This Is True" as one of the dumb thieves, if that race had such. But such is desperation. ];-)
So if the container was pierced by Jarni's projectile, that would imply either that Lon's heart is in (or near enough) to his leg or that Jarni completely missed his easy shot.
Here's what I don't get though -- which of Lon and Jarni is the intelligent designer?
Lon's body -- and suit -- didn't stop it on the way out.
I suppose, if you were inclined that way, Lon's boss (or team) is the Intelligent Designer, Lon his Earthly prophet, and Jarni the Agent of his Transfiguration.
If I was inclined that way?!?! The evidence is obvious! Notice, for example, that no explanation is given for the origin of Lon's team (I prefer team to boss -- design by committee would explain a lot about modern man). They have obviously always existed.
Why, even the pursuit towards the craft shows that it wasn't put there by any sort of random chance. It -- and the weapon used to kill Lon -- were clearly designed.
The suggestion that he might have been manipulated into stealing the containers even has a ring of Adam and Eve's time in the garden.
(actually, now that I'm in this mindset, I'm reminded of crisper's writings. this and this are two particularly good examples.)
I just came across this again while cleaning out old comments I've left behind -- it's still an enjoyable story.
I'm still at a bit of a loss for the trajectory of that projectile. It seems that Jarni is at a higher elevation than Lon at this point. The projectile hit Lon's heart and the container in his leg. Given that Lon's leg pouch is most likely lower than his heart, then the suggestion is that the projectile had to have done some "magic bullet" tricks bouncing around off of bone to penetrate the container or the slope would have had to have been very steep indeed.
I don't know if there's a name for this particular genre of story, but it fits square into it. The "Events taking place on primordial Earth" genre.
Anybody remember a short story where a guy took off in a rocket, but there was something about his rocket exhaust that got loose and pretty much destroyed the biosphere? And he and his greyhound were the only ones left, so he went and died in th ocean? (presumably to jumpstart life again)
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Been working on something of my own again, trying to write ten pages a day for each day in May. Yet another attempt at a publish-able piece of work, if you care to give it a glance.
Lizard Rat out.
Watching the Cambrian Epoch Explode in Albany NY
Reply
Your work looks good. Articulate and well constructed. You introduce a number of speakers right up front, but get to sorting them out before too much time passes.
You might consider standardizing the colors a bit -- and be careful when using quoted dialog. Word processors tend to want to capitalize the next word after a period, and this happened to you in several places. For example,
"Call me Molli." Molli said with a smile.
should be
"Call me Molli," Molli said with a smile.
Similarly,
"Ho there, travelers..." The equine said.
should be
"Ho there, travelers," the equine said.In the latter case, since the dialog break tends to create a pause, you would only use the trailing ellipses when you're really forcing the reader to note that the speaker's attention had trailed off. That didn't seem to be appropriate for the context here ( ... )
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Hmmm... will do. It just got updated with 18 pages of new material. I'm ahead of myself.
Cut and pasted to my notes for later. Thanks for the input! :)
Lizard Rat out.
Scribbling Lupine in Albany NY
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Lizard Rat out.
Making More Notes in Albany NY
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Did the cop live? What was in the other package? Why did Lon decide that jumpstarting multicellular life on another planet was a ditch worth dying in?
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He might have showed up on "This Is True" as one of the dumb thieves, if that race had such. But such is desperation. ];-)
===|==============/ Level Head
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Here's what I don't get though -- which of Lon and Jarni is the intelligent designer?
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I suppose, if you were inclined that way, Lon's boss (or team) is the Intelligent Designer, Lon his Earthly prophet, and Jarni the Agent of his Transfiguration.
Or something. ];-)
===|==============/ Level Head
Reply
Why, even the pursuit towards the craft shows that it wasn't put there by any sort of random chance. It -- and the weapon used to kill Lon -- were clearly designed.
The suggestion that he might have been manipulated into stealing the containers even has a ring of Adam and Eve's time in the garden.
(actually, now that I'm in this mindset, I'm reminded of crisper's writings. this and this are two particularly good examples.)
Reply
I'm still at a bit of a loss for the trajectory of that projectile. It seems that Jarni is at a higher elevation than Lon at this point. The projectile hit Lon's heart and the container in his leg. Given that Lon's leg pouch is most likely lower than his heart, then the suggestion is that the projectile had to have done some "magic bullet" tricks bouncing around off of bone to penetrate the container or the slope would have had to have been very steep indeed.
Reply
Anybody remember a short story where a guy took off in a rocket, but there was something about his rocket exhaust that got loose and pretty much destroyed the biosphere? And he and his greyhound were the only ones left, so he went and died in th ocean? (presumably to jumpstart life again)
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The story is set about 600 million years ago. I could poke holes in it -- but the sciece is tighter than anything written by Dan Brown. ];-)
Earth was very likely entirely covered with ice at this time. Do a Google ["Snowball Earth"].
===|==============/ Level Head
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===|==============/ Level Head
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